Author's Note: HA! I did it, and there should be another chapter too, before OotP. Ok, here's how this is going to go down: I publish this today (duh), there will be one chapter just before or around the release of OotP, then one more chapter after that to wrap things up, and finally, an epilogue. Now the story truly ends with the last chapter, for the epilogue… I've not decided how it goes, so far it's a scramble of scenes, and I can't decide whether to narrate what happens loosely or show these scenes in detail… It might just be a collection of scenes from their futures. I dunno, but the true end of the art is in the last chapter.
Alright people, I managed a chapter in about two weeks. Be proud, read and review. It can be done! You know, I think this chapter is pretty mild… hardly any swearing either… wow. I'm impressed with myself. Well, so all of you that have your hands over your eyes and ears can come out and peek at this mild chapter. And review after peeking!
Chapter 11: The Bitter Taste of Misery
That night, sleep did not find Severus Snape. The disturbing argument he had had with Cassandra earlier that day was still resonating through is mind, but the one phrase that resurfaced the most was "If you did know, you'd kill us both!" This simple sentence revealed three things about her mysterious actions that month. The first was obvious; even through her denials of nothingness, there was in fact something to be hidden. The second was the fact that her secret was heavy enough that he would kill her for it, despite that he would never entertain the thought for a second. And the third and most disturbing was that there was an unknown 'us'; a rather powerful 'us' that was stated in such a way that could not simply be himself and her. It was Severus' nature to then assume that he wasn't in the 'us' because it was now someone else's job.
Severus rolled over in bed, irritated at his inability to sleep. Or, he reasoned, my inability to maintain her fancy. Kicking off the covers, he pulled himself out of bed and began pacing around his room, occasionally reaching his hand out to touch the corner of the chair as he passed it. She, of course, would not be coming to bed tonight, or any other night, as she had presumably taken up her place in her old room. He growled.
Tracing back in his mind, he tried to remember when this had started. As far as he knew, everything was perfectly fine until the day he had come into their rooms to find her upset for reasons she wouldn't tell him. Their relationship had gone from day to night in one evening, the sun seemingly setting on their passion in less than an hour. He couldn't think of one thing to right it or one thing that had happened to make it take this sudden downward turn. He was at a dead end, and withdrew from the battle, resigning to his former life.
He had known from the very beginning that he would have never been able to keep her, because she was good, and good things simply did not come his way. He had almost been certain that this time it would be different, that her regard for him had matched his own (even though he found that hard to believe as well). But no, it could not be. It had been most right of him when he had sized himself up correctly last fall; he wasn't getting any younger, he was certainly less than attractive, and owing to his reputation as a cruel and uncaring man, he was surprised she stayed with him as long as she did. If he had listened to his own good advice, he would have spared both of them a lot of heartbreak and danger.
Tapping the chair, he drew his eyebrows together in concern, then relaxed them in acquiescence. He sat at his desk, rapping his fingers against the surface in thought, then pulled out a piece of parchment and began redesigning the final exam to keep himself busy. Having mentally reduced himself to nothing more than an insignificant, uninteresting man with an unsuitable temper, he worked all morning on the exams, achieving nothing more than designing two dozen mind-boggling questions and further breaking his spirit.
~
The next morning was hell. Throwing on some different robes at around six, he proceeded through his morning routine without thinking. He spent the rest of the time in his office, straightening bottles and dusting them, for he had long neglected his potion bottles' care in light of recent events. He had to keep himself busy, he had to keep his hands from being idle and he had to concentrate on his work, or he would dwell on things that would only further upset him.
By the time he had set down a violently green jar with one strand of hair floating in the center, he was nearly late for breakfast. Hurriedly, he walked with long strides out of his room, pattered up the steps, and sped down the corridor to the Hall, where several students were meandering out of the doors and going in the general direction of their next class. He pushed through them while rolling his eyes, made his way to his place at the table, and seated himself. Next to him, a plate sat empty, the silverware not a centimeter out of place, and the goblet unstained.
"Has Professor Talin been down to breakfast?" he inquired of a rising teacher.
"No," replied the teacher before hastily bustling off. "Haven't seen her all morning."
Shaking his head, he began eating breakfast… possibly the only good part of his entire day.
Directly after a rushed breakfast, he had second year Hufflepuffs (an especially incompetent group), followed by seventh year Slytherins (not as bad as those damned Hufflepuffs), and then his break, followed by fourth year Ravenclaws (still not as bad as the Hufflepuffs, though rather smug). Then he had lunch.
At this meal, Cassandra actually beat him there, eating quickly to leave the area. As Severus was sitting down, he considered saying something to her, but turned his eyes from her and stared hard at his food, stealing glances at her every now and then.
God, it hurt. She looked unwell, it was obvious but… she was so beautiful. Her pained lavender-light blue eyes peered around the Hall wistfully, framed in heavy lashes and red-rimmed eyelids. A permanent blush was fixed on her cheeks, no doubt from the stress of crying, and the corners of her pouty mouth were level, neither smiling nor frowning, just… being. Severus berated himself for not being able to cure her of her sadness, though it appeared the other man wasn't doing so well either. With a second of hope, he thought that if the other man failed miserably, she might come back, but he immediately pushed the thought out of his mind. He didn't even know who this man was, though Severus was not inclined to befriend this man even in another life.
Silently, he finished his meal, avoiding her eyes completely from then on. It hurt too much to look at her, and he hated himself for letting it hurt. He felt so entirely downtrodden though that she could have turned to him, punched him in the face, and he would be grateful for the attention.
Without thinking, he stood from the table and stormed out of the room, not able to sit there any more. Besides, more bungling Hufflepuffs were next in class, and he had to make sure he had enough of the counter-potion in store to suffice half of them. Counter-potions kept his mind off her.
Severus wove through the hall and dungeon expertly, slammed into his empty room, and shut the door behind him, though he heard a creak from behind him moments later. Turning, he saw the doorframe was tilted and the door did not fit in it right, and the sudden memory of when this last occurred played before his eyes. She had come to tell him there was a Defense meeting in her cold and usual manner while he had Harry Potter in detention, but she pulled him out to the hallway and … no. No more. It's not sensible to reminisce like this. Severus reached up and gave the frame a good thump with the heel of his hand, righting the wooden frame and allowing the door to fit snugly into it. He stalked to his shelves and took inventory of his counter-potions, counting twenty-two medium sized flasks of basic counter-potions. Damn, it was plenty, so there was no luck in busying himself to needlessly make more. Drumming his fingertips on the shelf, he then turned away and sat down at his desk, easing himself into the chair as his muscles began to ache from an entire night's lack of sleep.
He sifted mindlessly through papers on his desk, until he came across a thick book underneath a stack. Curious, he flipped it over and read the title from the dingy blue cover, Potente Potions. Automatically, he flipped the potion number 585, Anxiety Relief potion. Staring at the page, he allowed his mind to wander back to the time he first realized her addiction to this potion, and how he cradled her in his arms. Slamming the book shut, he swiftly put it away alphabetically on his bookshelf, not allowing himself to look over it a moment longer. He was lucky though, the students were arriving.
A crowd of sixth year Hufflepuffs walked into the room, talking at the tops of their voices about the final Quidditch match that was to be held in a little over a week. Unimpressed, Severus ordered them to take their seats in a quiet fashion as another group came in behind them.
"I'm well aware of the fact that the Quidditch match is Hufflepuff versus Gryffindor, but while you're in my dungeons, your concentration is solely on your work," he hissed to a now dead silent class. "Today we will be brewing a very simple potion that heals bruises, something I hardly think to be beyond your level as it's entirely herbal, though I have no doubts you will have trouble with it all the same. Start by copying the notes off the board, and then begin brewing. At the end of the hour, three potions will be tested, so make sure someone's doing it right for once. If in the likely event you do end up poisoning one another, I have the counter-potion… well, why aren't you copying the notes down?" Immediately everyone scrambled to pull out parchment and began taking messy notes so as to have time to finish the potion. He sat down at his desk, watching everyone carefully as their heads bobbed up and down to get the notes. After about fifteen minutes, the clunking of cauldrons was heard and the catching of fires roared softly through the room. The student cabinet was open and shut several times, and soon bubbling potions were echoing around the room.
He stood and walked slowly around the room, observing everyone as they worked and scolding a student every few desks. "It's vervain, then arnica, Miss Steele!" he would comment. "No no no Peters, you'll blow us all up if you do that. Turn the fire down. Well, Mr. Sullivan, that's perfect… if you want to have one less Hufflepuff in your House." He made his rounds and wandered back to his desk, exhaling loudly and picking up his quill to create more questions for his test. He looked up every now and then to silence a pair of Hufflepuffs with venomous glances, but mostly kept his eyes on his work. However, when he ran out of ideas, he would look up and around his room for a bit of inspiration. This only served to bring back memories.
At first it was a student's cauldron. A sudden flash before his eyes forced his mind into remembering when she came to his classroom to brew her godforsaken potion, almost as meticulous as he is in her brewing. He had stood over her, watching the potion and her with interest, and when he automatically suggested a different way of stirring and took her hand in his, she began shaking like a nervous bird, unsure of what to do. Ah, but she had said his name. Abruptly, he interrupted this train of thought and brought his mind back to the present.
Upon searching for the right phrasing of another question, he looked to a desk and was taken back to the night when Cassi killed Donovan. He walked her down to his dungeon where he knew she would be safe, then gave her a potion. Upon insisting she stay there while he helped Dumbledore, she fell asleep at a desk. He always loved watching her sleep.
Quickly, he stood and walked into his office without a word to his students, locking the door behind him and leaning back against a wall. His hands were running through his hair, over his chin, and crossing his arms several times before he was content with his state of mind. He wouldn't allow himself to think like that, it was detrimental to his state of health. Not only that, but remembering her wouldn't change his current situation. He cursed himself quietly for not being more stable. Finally, he unlocked the door and walked out, sitting out the remainder of class.
Twenty minutes before the bell sounded for the change of classes, he chose three students to test the potions on, and three potions. Both the makers of the potions and the takers were shaking with nervousness, but nothing went wrong as each student was given a magically induced bruise, then watched it vanish (much to Snape's disappointment, although he was mildly amused at the frightened look of the class as each drinker became translucently pale, then restored to their normal color). The bell rang and everyone rushed to clean up and get out of the dungeons with one more class period that day to help them forget Potions. Severus was still barking orders to students as the last class of the day left his room.
That evening, after a fast dinner with minimal interaction with the rest of the staff, Severus locked the doors to his classroom and wandered through the short hallway to his bedroom. Upon entering, he smelled the faint mint he was so familiar with, and knew Cassi had been back to grab a few things. There were books and papers here and there that were gone, and a few personal articles of hers were missing. He did spy something however, that was out of place. On the pillow of his bed was the pendant he had given her so many years ago, the iron snake wrapped around a heart. Next to it was a note, which Severus took up slowly and read aloud.
"Severus, it didn't feel right having this after yesterday. I'm sorry, signed Cassi," he said in a quiet voice, taking the pendant into his palm and wrapping his fingers over it. He sat back on the bed, thoughtful, and let the note slip to the ground, now only gripping the pendant. He closed his eyes and sighed, then put it down and begrudgingly got ready for bed and his much-neglected sleep.
This carried on for three days, this sort of morose, robotic routine, when on that Saturday as Severus worked at his desk in his classroom, a light knock was heard at the door. Instantly knowing who it was, he called for her to come in, and in stepped Cassi, looking nervous.
"I suppose you've come to officially move your things out of the room," Severus said while not looking up from his parchment he was writing on.
"Yes," she answered, not knowing exactly what to say.
"Go ahead, tell me if you need help with anything," he replied in a monotone voice. She nodded and walked past him, hesitating when she was about half a meter from him, enough so that he glanced over at her. She turned away though and disappeared through the passage, reappearing half an hour later with a small bag of things, probably many of them shrunk to fit into the bag. He watched her step out of the door and back into the classroom.
"Did you find everything?" he asked flatly.
"Yes, I did. Severus… I'm…. sorry I'm doing this," she said with effort, gazing down at the floor with her eyes full of sorrow.
"Then why are you doing it?" he asked now looking over at her.
"I have to, I have to. It's the only way," she said ardently.
"And you're still not going to tell me why, I imagine, even though I've spent many nights trying to figure you out?" he asked, a little more warmth coming into his voice.
"Not yet, not just yet," she replied.
"Yes, well, schedule me in when you can. I'll be right here, as always," he said tartly. She turned to go, clutching the bag so tight in her hands that her knuckles turned white. "It would at least be a bit easy on the mind if I knew who," he called out after her, and she turned around, face twisted with puzzlement.
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
"Who. I was simply referring to who the 'us' is in 'If you did know, you'd kill us both,'" he replied.
"Severus, I didn't mean tha-"
"It sounded as if you did. Who is the 'us'?" His voice was never raised above a normal speaking voice, and it was hard to decide whether it was more defeated or bitter.
"I didn't mean it. I'm half out of my-"
"Do you love him?"
"What?"
"Do you love him? It's a simple enough question."
Cassi looked stricken suddenly, then composed herself. "Severus, do you think I'm having an affair?"
"Well, it's not technically an affair anymore, as you did just move out."
"It is too! You think I'm cheating on you!" She dropped her bag on the ground and put her hands on her hips.
"I didn't believe it at first, but honestly Cassi, if you were in my position, what would you think?" Severus steepled his fingers together, setting his hands on his desk.
Cassi stopped and glared. "I'd probably think no different than you have," she replied and took up her bag from the floor, walking to the door. She left without looking back at him.
Slapping his hands to his face, he paused like this, then peeked out them to the door. No, she still was gone. He slammed his fist against the desktop, then took up his quill and worked furiously into the night.
Soon, his work was ritualistic, as he stayed up late several nights writing and reading, pulling things from memory and designing difficult questions. His work became his obsession; he worked to fill the void. Rarely did he leave his dungeons, and sometimes took his meals in there, enslaved to his work.
The entire school was becoming hyped as the end of the year approached. Though exams were closing in, the promise of freedom hung in the warm air, and several students would look out longingly at the green grass, wishing it was beneath their feet instead of the stone floors. Not only did the end of the school year mean exams, it also meant Quidditch. This year's Gryffindor team was on fire; they hadn't lost a game yet, and though the Hufflepuffs had greatly improved, they were still going to be no match for the Gryffindors. And a week after the Quidditch Cup was awarded, there was one last Hogsmeade visit, just before the week of exams. Even as eventful as this month was, Severus wanted nothing to do with anyone. He did not talk to the other staff members (except when forced to at staff meetings), and he was outright cruel to his students. Dumbledore sometimes came down to visit him, talking of school happenings and silly resolutions passed by the Ministry of Magic. They never touched on anything more personal than that, but Severus appreciated it all the same.
Classes carried out through the week with more and more struggle as the students grew rowdy. Only a few teachers still maintained control of their classes and kept them sobered enough to learn more. Severus maintained this kind of control of his classes by scolding and severity, while Cassi kept them busy with days worth of work in one class period. However, by the time the last bell rang on Friday, Severus was ready for them to be out of his hands because he had several things to do if he wanted to have the exams prepared by two weeks time. They were shaping up quite nicely, probably one of the hardest exams he had given yet, and making seven of them (one for each grade level) was no easy task. However, this year, he had thought, it will be a good assessment of what they know. The test would be given on the day of exams, and then they would brew a potion the class period before exam week.
It was therefore with a heavy heart that he left his work to go to the Quidditch match on Saturday morning. He woke up with a groan and rolled over in bed, convincing himself that if he did not attend, no one would notice. Except Dumbledore. Sighing, he sat up, then stood slowly and walked to the bathroom to take a shower. After getting dressed in his usual black robes, he stalked out of his room and marched over to the Great Hall, where breakfast was half-empty with people already rushing outside. He dodged around them and went up to the High Table, where the entire staff sat talking excitedly of the game. All, except Cassi, that is. He walked up to the table and sat down in his chair, picking up his fork and concentrating on his food. Eventually, a few teachers around him asked him what team he thought was going to win, but he replied with a grunt and rolling of his eyes, so most knew he thought it was Gryffindor.
By the time he had finished his eggs, the staff was looking as restless as the children, so they stood up in unison when most of the students had gone and filed out across the grounds. It was a lovely day with a slight breeze; the sun was shining, the grass was crisp and green, and no clouds darkened the sky. Severus already despised that day. He could see a crowd already forming outside the pitch, waiting to get in, and he was grateful the teachers sat in their own box and not amongst the students. The staff walked amidst the crowd of students through an opening, then veered away from them and up a flight of wooden steps to their box. In front of him walked Cassandra and Minerva, talking in low voices about something, but he heard Hogsmeade in the conversation a few times, and assumed Minerva was trying to recruit her for the next trip. At the top of the stairs he turned down the hallway and into the box, finding a spot out in the back near the corner. From there he had a good view of the pitch, and no one would sneak up on him, clap him on the shoulder and declare it was 'a fine day indeed' when in reality, rain would have suited Severus far better. Watching the referee enter onto the grass with her broom, he caught a snippet of conversation in front of him.
"No no, I've been writing to him lately. We've been corresponding for a month now." That was Cassi's voice, to be sure.
"So you'll be meeting him there?" was McGonagall's reply.
"Yes."
"Good for you, good for you."
"Severus," hissed a suave voice from beside him, and he turned to see Professor Trelawny in all her elaborate mystique and shawls sitting next to him closely. "I saw the most interesting thing while crystal gazing last night, and it involved you and an unknown shadowy figure."
"Really?" he drawled, unnerved at being interrupted while he was eavesdropping. When he looked back to Cassi, both of the women had finished their conversation and were watching the Quaffle being thrown up into the air as the game began. Gryffindor immediately took possession of the ball and became red blurs in the air.
"Yes, yes! It was most disturbing! I was sitting up in my tower, doing my evening gazing when I saw your face arise in the crystal as clearly as ever! You can imagine my shock, because I only see your face when it's associated-"
"With my horrible demise, I know," Severus said, paying attention to the game now and only scarcely hearing her over the roar of the crowd. Hufflepuff had captured the Quaffle and was weaving it back to their hoops. There was a player clad in red swiftly approaching though, and if they did not move the ball faster, it would not be theirs for very long. "Sibyll, are you sure this isn't like the last time? I've yet to drowned by a hoard of dragons."
"No! This is entirely different!"
"I'm sure." The Gryffindors stole the Quaffle, flew back, and scored ten points. It looked like the two Seekers were dashing after something too, but it soon became obvious that the Hufflepuff Seeker was faking the dive. "At any rate, I'd rather not know what hideous end I'm to meet this time. It's best not to know."
"But don't you want to prevent it?"
"Would that not prove you wrong? Surely you don't want that." As much as Professor Trelawny annoyed him, he found befuddling her just as amusing.
She scowled and turned away, muttering something about Fate striking him down at that very moment. He put his elbow on his knee and rested his chin in his palm, watching the game play out extremely favorably for the Gryffindors. Landslide game, really. Try as the Hufflepuffs might, the Gryffindors always had about a thirty point lead on them, with the Seekers battling it out for the elusive Snitch.
Severus' eyes wandered from the game, landing on the raven-haired girl in front of him without consulting his mind if they were allowed to do so. Every now and then, Cassi would put her hands to her head and stare at the ground, then look back up at the game. Forcibly, he lifted his eyes to see Hufflepuff score, but their triumph lasted a second too long and Gryffindor took possession of the Quaffle and began barreling down the field. Eventually, another Hufflepuff ran straight into the Gryffindor, and a foul was called. The crowd booed loudly.
"What's the name of that foul?" Cassi asked McGonagall.
"Hmm…. It's been awhile since we've seen that. Severus?" she asked, now turning around to look up at him. "What foul was called?"
"Blatching, flying with the intent to collide," he said gruffly.
"That's right, that's right. You still remember all those terms too, it's quite amazing," she said warmly, and then turned to Cassi. "You know, he used to announce for the games back when he was in school. Such accurate descriptions of the plays, and he was never out of line on the magical microphone. What a nice few years those were." McGonagall looked pointedly at the student announcer who was making hasty comments about the blatant fouling of the winning team.
For the briefest moment, he thought he saw Cassi's eyes light up at this, but her usual sharp look had returned by the time he noticed it. The game started up again as the Gryffindor penalty shot whooshed through the hoop and the Keeper handed it off to a yellow Chaser. Hufflepuff had come back into the game, and was now trailing by a mere twenty points. As soon as it looked like Hufflepuff had a shot at winning, the Gryffindor Seeker shot off through the middle of the field. Flying in corkscrew twirls, he zipped through the air at blurring speeds, then slowed, fist raised in the air in triumph. In his fist was a small flapping ball that glittered in the sun. The game was over, Gryffindor had won yet again, and the crowd was cheering. Grimly, Severus stood with the others as both teams made a victory lap and then shook hands, floating slowly back to the ground only to be surrounded by Housemates. He had seen it before, and he would see it again. These thrilling victories never had even the shelf life of some of the simplest potions; the feelings of it were quite short-lived. Severus followed the mass of people (Professor Trelawny shooting dark, pitiful glances at him every so often) out of the box and into the hallway that would lead them down to the mass of shouting students. It was giving him a headache, really.
He was pondering his headache when a small figure collided with the back of him, and he turned to see Cassi stepping back from him looking dizzy and overwhelmed.
"Sorry," she muttered, shaking her head. "Tripped."
"Don't bother yourself with it," he replied shortly, now heading down the stairs, looking around for someone before they disappeared off. Reaching the bottom, he looked back up the stairs and caught a glimpse of McGonagall just as she was nearly down the stairs. He wove a little through the crowd, putting himself in the perfect place to intercept her, and caught the old woman's arm as she passed. "Watch after Cassi, she's unwell," he whispered in her ear, then let go and disappeared into the crowd of students as they left the stadium.
Cleverly, he concealed himself behind a bit of shrubbery and listened as a small stream of people headed back to the castle, while others remained outside for awhile. After waiting some time, he finally heard the voices he was listening for.
"I swear I'm fine Minerva," said Cassi, sounding slightly unnerved.
"Well we'll have Madame Pomfrey look at you all the same," answered the older witch. "You're rather pale."
"I'm naturally pale," retorted Cassi.
"We'll see, we'll see." The voices trailed off.
Severus pressed his fingertips to his temple, his headache growing. How he hated weekends.
The next weekend was no better than the last, if not worse. After much pressure from McGonagall, he had agreed to accompany the children to Hogsmeade on Sunday morning, even though he had stated openly that he had much to do for exams the next day and the following days after. He had given in more to his curiosity than his sense of duty, but had convinced himself it was more about the latter than the former. Therefore, he found himself standing in the Entrance Hall bright and early Sunday morning as several, excitable students (who should have been studying for his exam) milled around him. Professor Talin was standing on the other side of the hall, her arms crossed and her hood up on her traveling cloak as she leaned again the wall. McGonagall stood at the head of the group, and when she decided that enough students had arrived, she looked over her roll and then the crowd briefly, then signaled that they could go. The crowd began moving forward and Severus walked near the back and to his side, immediately scolding a pair of rowdy boys for disturbing the people around them. He kept his eyes flickering towards Cassandra though as they traveled on foot to the village, watching her movements and hand gestures as she conversed stiffly with a seventh year.
When the group did finally arrive at the village, they dispersed from their large pack into several groups, spreading through the street and leaving the teachers standing around, watching them off, and then leaving the street themselves. Severus hung back, watching Cassandra out of the corner of his eye as she looked around, then slipped down an alleyway. Not sure if he should go after her, he followed her path from a reasonable distance, just to see where she was headed. It wasn't like he was going to spy on her… he was just curious. Cassi turned right in the alleyway, and came out on a little street corner away from a lot of the hustle of the inner city. Cautiously, Severus followed and stood behind a staircase as he watched Cassi approach a man also cloaked in black. Angrily, Severus sneered to himself as the two embraced warmly, kissed the other's cheeks, and she flung her arms around his neck.
"Ah! It has been too long!" he heard her say.
"Only most of my life," the man replied in a thick Russian accent, contrasting with Cassi's light accent worn smooth by years spent here. He put an arm around her waist loosely and they began to walk in a slow, steady manner, with nowhere particular to go.
From this angle, Severus could better see that he was a younger man with blonde hair and blue eyes, a rather Cossack look about him, though he stood tall and slender under his cloak. He seemed friendly enough though, but for this Severus hated him all the more.
"Practically," she replied, smiling more than he had seen her do so in nearly two month's time. "Speak to me in our language, it's easier for you." He smiled down at her and spun off a long string of things Severus couldn't understand, and the two walked off, now speaking in a language he never thought he would understand.
Severus straightened himself and headed back the way he had come, arms folded across his chest and his eyes set on the ground as he thought to himself. So this was him, was it? Some handsome young man. No, he refused to believe it. It did not seem like her at all. Then again, a lot of her actions lately did not seem like her. Now in a very foul and depressed mood, he turned out of the alleyway and wandered aimlessly around.
In all his life, he'd never been so confused. He hated confusion, things ought to be evident at all times, and if they weren't obvious, then the solution or problem should at least be clear, thus proving a way to fix it. But this, this was in a class of its own. It was as if the Cassi he knew had got in the bad way of a Mind Switching curse and was now a completely different person. He would suspect that too if it hadn't been for those brief moments when he saw her true self shine out from behind the mask. It grew more disheartening by the day. Thinking that he should go back to the castle to do some work on the exams, he started off in that direction. He halted after a few steps though and remembered that he had had the tests ready for some time, and he really did not have anything to do at the castle. Everything in his room had been cleaned, organized, re-organized, filed, catalogued, graded and prepared. Unfortunately, trying to distract himself only made him an extremely diligent worker, and he had run out of distractions.
With nowhere to be and nothing to do, Severus looked around. Maybe he'd go sit in the bar for awhile and scoff at people. Deciding it was his best course of action, he turned and headed towards the bar. Several students were coming in and out of shops, bags full of wastes of money, chattering with their friends and enjoying themselves. Severus was nearly eager to see those smiles wiped right off when he dropped the exam on their desk and they realized they should have spent that time studying. This generation's students were slackers to the letter, and he would have none of it. Someone had to show them what hard work was, and if they weren't going to have the self-discipline to care, he was going to make them care. He was thinking this over when he pushed the door to the bar open and stepped into the smoky room.
The bar was always crowded, especially on school trip days, so today was no exception. People gathered around tables closely, talking and laughing over their drinks. The room was noisy and filled with pipe smoke, but no one seemed to notice. Looking around, he found a table out of the way of everyone and slightly hidden, so he took it, sitting down pensively and looking around.
His eyes fell on two people in cloaks sitting on the opposite side of the room, and he silently grumbled as he knew who it was immediately. Cassi looked up at the same moment as him and their eyes met, staring at the other. After a moment, both remembered themselves and tore their eyes away, and Severus knew both Cassi and the man she sat with were studying him. This is just how his luck went; the moment he wanted to forget, he was reminded. The man was now talking animatedly with her, and Cassi simply shook her head, and then the man put his arm around her shoulders and hugged her.
Severus rolled his eyes and turned his face away, looking out a window glumly at the people on the street milling about.
"Professor Severus Snape, it's been awhile since I've seen you here," came a sweet sounding voice, and he turned his head and saw Madame Rosmerta standing next to him in colorful turquoise robes with her hand on her hip. "I get all sorts every day, but you're the rarest of them all!"
"Rosmerta, it certainly has been awhile," he replied in his formal, stiff manner.
"As proper as usual, some things don't change. Mind if I sit down? I've been on my feet all day," she asked, and he gestured to the seat across from him.
"So Madame, what awful rumors have you been hearing of me now?" he asked her as sat down, and she laughed. Every once in awhile Severus would come in, usually during break, and was updated with some of the rumors about himself and the Ministry, as Fudge was becoming a frequent visitor. Through the years, they had struck up a correspondence when important information was needed and something resembling a friendship, even though they rarely spoke.
"Oh, you've been the talk of the town this year," she conveyed smilingly. "Students came in here last winter talking about you and the Defense teacher acting like lovebirds in the hallway!" Severus looked horrified at being associated with such a word, but this only served to her amusement. "I told them 'Surely not Professor Snape' but they insisted. So, I take it that might not be true?"
Severus shrugged slightly. "Maybe more 'outdated' than 'true', Rosmerta."
She looked at him with sympathy. "What happened?"
"Honestly, I've no idea," he answered, clasping his hands over the table.
"Oh, you probably wouldn't tell me if you did know, as secretive as you are," she said, still smiling. "Some things just aren't meant to be, I guess. Some things change, others stay rock solid. Don't worry yourself about it, there'll be someone."
"Barmaid talk," he mumbled, and she laughed again.
"Ah well, other than that, it's the same old thing around; how horrible you are in class, and unfair, and mean! I hear it all in here. The students will appreciate you when they're out on their own, that's for sure," she sat back in her chair. "I'd tell you to remember what it was like when you were a kid, but you were a teenager going on fifty all through school. So serious."
"I suppose," he replied. Rosmerta leaned back further and studied him hard, pausing for a moment.
"That woman had you going for loops, didn't she?"
"Pardon?"
"You really liked her, didn't you?" she said gently. Severus glanced out of the window again. "Aw honey, don't try to avoid me, I know that means 'yes'. If the woman in the cloak over there is her (the only Russian woman I've had in here lately), she's only looked over here about seven times since I sat down. Now, being a woman, I know that's interest, jealousy, or a little bit of both. Think about it." Madame Rosmerta stood up and put her hands on her hips. "Need something to drink?"
"No, I better not. I think it's time I went back to the castle to look over the exams," he said, now rising.
"Heard about your exams, they're killers."
"I only wish."
Madame Rosmerta laughed and patted his shoulder. "Give 'em hell Severus, and I'll see you around."
"Goodbye," he replied, and headed out through the door and onto the street. He tried to forget that a barmaid had given him romantic advice as he edged around people on the street, finally reaching a place where there were no students, the path back to the castle.
Today wasn't entirely fruitless, he thought to himself as he walked. No, I finally saw the other man. It's still hard to believe. Maybe I just want to believe it's someone else… Too tired to think about it anymore, he pushed the subject out of his mind. He'd go back to his nice, safe dungeon where he belonged, and go back to work. It was for the best really.
He was repeating this to himself over and over as he walked up to the castle and into the Entrance Hall. Starting for his dungeons, he heard a voice call out to him.
"Severus," said Professor Dumbledore. "So nice to see you out and around."
"I was just heading back to my dungeons," answered Severus firmly.
"I should have known," replied Dumbledore. "Did you enjoy being outside all the same?"
"Not in the least," said Severus, now folding his arms and looking longingly down the hall where his dungeon was waiting.
Dumbledore gave a small chuckle. "Don't let the sunshine depress you, Severus. It's not as bad as it seems. Good morning." Dumbledore continued on his way to the Great Hall, and Severus took off for the dungeons, his silent sanctuary.
He spent the rest of the day looking over the tests for any errors, and enchanting them so they could not be cheated from. This task took until late that night, and Severus collapsed into bed when he was done without giving a thought to what he had seen that day. Severus' best defense from himself was repression.
~
The week following the Hogsmeade trip was exhausting and nerve-wracking for Harry Potter. He had a few tests every day, but he was cramming like a madman at night to scrape together a decent grade. Today was the last day of testing, but it was his hardest; he had Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions back to back. On the first day he had had Transfigurations (in which he had to change a common fish into a toy train, but the trick was keeping the fish alive enough to do it) and Divinations (He read his partner's palm, but really just made up many things having to do with that person's doom, destruction, and heartbreak). The second day, he had Charms (The class had to teach random objects to react to touch) and Care of Magical Creatures (the substitute made their class list magical properties of a dragon and how professionals handle them). The third day, Wednesday, was a thankful break for him, and he studied for his last four tests, Herbology, Astronomy, Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Potions. Herbology had gone fine (he simply cared for a short-lived plant for the entire class and was graded on the amount of fruit it produced), and Astronomy that night went well enough (He remembered most of the stars and constellations). It was the next day that would be a challenge.
At breakfast on Friday morning, Hermione, Ron, and Harry all ate quietly, mentally preparing themselves for their tasks ahead. Hermione was especially nervous, because they had already done the parchment test portion of their final exam for Defense, but now came the actual hands on part. For Snape's test, they had brewed a potion last week that would count for fifty percent of their grade, and the other fifty percent came from a written portion today. The trio had seen other students who came from that class; all had that pale, haunted look as they worried about repeating the course.
People began to get up and move around, and Hermione looked near-panicked. "What? Surely it's not time to go. We just sat down. Wait. We can't go yet!"
"Hermione, what are you fussing for? You'll do fine," Harry commented.
"You'll jinx me, don't say that!" she shrieked. Ron and Harry exchanged their familiar 'she's having a weird moment' look from behind her, and then took her arms and stood her up.
"Come on," Ron said, and a rueful Hermione picked up her bags and began walking with them out of the Great Hall. She muttered to herself all the way down the hall, going over spells and deflection charms, until even Harry was rolling his eyes.
Pushing her the last part of the way, the three finally reached their classroom door, and entered in, looking around for some sign of what they would be doing that day. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, they became puzzled, but took their seats all the same. Cassi was at work at her desk, very diligently grading something, and did not look up until the bell rang. Silently, she took the roll, then stood up with her grade book and fetched her stool.
She gestured to the door. "Follow me." The class of sixth year Gryffindors stood, and followed her as she stepped through the doorway, walking calmly down the hall and up the stairs, arriving at the dusty third-floor corridor with comprehension on the students' faces. A few pedestals lit at the appearance of the group, and once everyone was inside the corridor, she started.
"Well, I think most of you understand what's happening here. I told you that you would be able to have another go at the corridor challenge, and here it is. It is the same as before; you'll start on this side, and end up on that side, making a horseshoe-shaped path. There are a few new tricks to the hallway, but I believe everyone here can master it. The difference this time is that I won't be following you; I've set up a system of mirrors which I can follow your movements with from this." She pulled a hand mirror out of her pocket. "Don't worry though, I control everything in that hall, so nothing will get out of hand. Neville, please sit down for now, you're looking pale. Alright, when done with the course, you will stay on that side of the hallway so as not to give pointers to your classmates, and when everyone is done, we'll go back downstairs. Any volunteers for first?" She looked around, and at first everyone seemed as frightened as Neville (who was breathing into a paper bag while sitting on the floor), but Hermione finally raised her hand. Cassi nodded knowingly at her, and walked off to the opposite side of the hall, setting down her stool. After getting out her grade book and quill, she shot off a few green sparks with her wand, and Hermione started down the hall, wand at the ready.
The sounds that reached the group further proved to terrify the students. Creaky metal echoed around the hall, along with loud thuds, sharp bangs, and drawn out wails of creatures unknown. However, Hermione emerged at the other end of the hallway at last, looking pleased with herself as Cassi said something to her in a low voice. The class clapped.
"Lavender Brown!" Cassi called out, and the little girl squeaked.
"Yes, alphabetical order!" said Ron enthusiastically, proud he was a Weasley.
Ron was correct. Cassi went alphabetically down her list, and Harry grew increasingly nervous as the letters came closer and closer to P. Inevitably, she called out his name, and he walked over to the hall and waited for the sparks. Three green sparks were visible very suddenly, and Harry pulled out his wand and started down the hallway, looking around himself sharply.
He kept in the middle of the hall to avoid the things on the side, but passed a suit of armor without incident. However, a few steps past it, and when Harry was looking at a rather odd portrait near the turn, he heard clunking footsteps behind him. Quickly, he whirled around and shot a blue stream of light at the suit of armor with its cold metal hands scarcely half a meter away from his neck. The suit clattered to the floor, now not a threat as it lay in shining pieces. A second after this victory, Harry felt a hot sort of steam at his shoulder, and realized that two pinpoints were burning into his clothes, the pinpoints lining up with the eyes of the portrait of an elderly Medieval man. Harry cast a spell around himself to protect from the burning eyes, and hurried on, turning the first corner.
The next part of the corridor seemed blank except for a trunk. Harry continued to walk down the corridor, wary of anything that could jump out. However, when he came to the chest, he heard his teacher's voice echo from all around.
"Hex it," she ordered. Harry was confused for a moment as to whether he should hex the box or open it, but his question was answered as the lid to the trunk burst open and a strange ghoul stood from the box, tall and formidable. His eyes were sunken and his face was human-like, but he had a mouth that would scare even the bravest of men. His jaws were powerful and muscular, and projected slightly like a dog's. Lips stretched over pointed, thin teeth, and Harry could see the blood thirst in its rubbery face.
"Uhh," he said, backing up. Ghouls didn't respond to much damage of their nervous system or organs, so he'd have to do something random and lock it back in the box. Harry tried to remember, and raised his wand in front of him, for if the thing lunged, he might try stabbing it with his wand. Quickly though, a thought surfaced in his mind. Hex it to put it into the box. "Ohh, ok… uuh… Complicare!"
The ghoul stopped in the middle of stepping out of the trunk and stared. Soon, he bent over like a giant hand had folded him in two, arms reaching to the ground, then his arms tucked in, and then his legs, until he had been folded into a little ghoulish mass, sitting at the bottom of the trunk. Harry grinned and slammed the lid of the trunk shut, and then hurried through the corridor, turning every now and then to make sure he wasn't being followed. In the corner at the end of the hallway stood a human-sized dummy, staring off into space. Harry approached it.
"You've two minutes, battle me," commanded the doll, and it raised a hand and shot a spell at Harry, which was deflected off his shield. Harry returned the spell, combating him back and forth easily. Person to person combat was nothing to him anymore, but it was these random unnerving objects that got him. Eventually, the dummy began to ease down, and then returned to its corner, defeated.
Taking the left, Harry looked down to see the last bit of hallway and his teacher sitting on her stool with her grade book and mirror. Indeed, Harry remembered that there was a mirror every few steps of the way, and was comforted somewhat by this thought. However, as he walked the last stretch of hallway, a funny sound followed him, like that of a flickering flame. Alarmed, he turned quickly and jumped out of the way of a floating candelabra. It was a floor stand one, and nearly taller than himself, he figured as it whooshed over his head. Thinking fast, Harry yelled "Finite Incantato!" and the wrought-iron candle stand stopped, hitting the ground after falling from its levitating height. He shook his head and quickly walked out of the hall, greeted with a smattering of applause from his peers.
"Good job Harry, I liked the way you handled the ghoul!" Professor Talin commented. "Full marks." He breathed in relief and went to find Hermione in a small group of who had finished.
They chatted until Ron was done (he had a bit of a problem with the portrait), and waited for Neville, who was the last person. Cassi had saved him for last, wanting him to be heartened by the others' success. He did well, too, except for a bit of panic with the ghoul and some problems with the dummy. However, when he stumbled from the hall, she patted his shoulder and told him he had passed well, and he broke into a grin. Everyone then stood and followed their teacher out of the third floor and down to her classroom, where they had a few minutes to spare, and spent them quizzing each other for Potions.
When the bell did in fact ring, everyone turned pale. From her desk, Cassi said, "Goodbye, my class. It was a privilege to teach you. Now run off and do well on your Potions final!" They stood, looking around, then shuffled out of the classroom and into the throngs of people in the hall.
"I don't think she's coming back next year," Hermione stated matter-of-factly as they pushed down the hall. Harry looked at her hard.
"I dunno, why wouldn't she?" he said.
"Snape," she replied. "That and she looks ill, maybe we were too overtaxing on her health."
Ron shrugged. "I sorta liked her, I mean, she wasn't like Lupin or anything, but she wasn't worse than him either… kinda strict, but encouraging."
"Ron, you liked her from the very beginning," Hermione pointed out flatly. "You thought she was pretty."
"Well, she is. Hey, I'm saying it like it's a fact. She's pretty. There. That's all I'm saying. That and she should have never ended up with a git like Snape, and I don't blame her if she leaves because of him," Ron said, ending growlishly.
"You should have seem them when we were kidnapped, though. It's different than how they treat each other in the halls, it's like they belong together," Harry reasoned. Ron looked thoughtful, and Hermione nodded.
"I think they're cute," Hermione said in a firm voice. "Or were, at any rate."
"Cute is not a word I would use in reference to Snape," Ron said, looking ill.
Hermione shook her head as they descended the dungeon stairs. Immediately, the chilled air reminded them they had one more test to take before they were free for a week before the end of the year ceremony. They walked down the hall and into his classroom. A few other students were already there, and more were coming. The trio took their seats in the back, and waited for class to start. Their professor was standing formidably in the corner of the classroom, a stack of papers in his hand and a thin smile of malice on his lips. When the bell rang, he wordlessly passed out thick packets of loose-leaf parchment to everyone, and their eyes widened.
"Begin, and know that these tests have been charmed so you cannot cheat," was all their teacher said while he enjoyed the look of their paling faces before he took a seat at this desk. Harry dropped his eyes to his test, and read the first five questions to himself, horrified. Hoping against hope that this was his lucky day, he began marking answers. For the next two hours, he scrambled his mind trying to remember some of the most obscure things he had written down in this class, and most of the questions were tricky anyway. However, at the end of the hour, he turned in his test with the rest of his classmates, and practically ran out of class when the final bell rang. He was, however, hindered by a slow-moving Hermione, who was still pondering over some of the questions after taking the test. Eventually though, he and Ron talked her into a game of chess in the Common room, and the trio commenced their week-long break on the grounds of Hogwarts.
The teachers, however, spent this week grading their tests. All were preoccupied with finishing before the end of the week so exam results could be given out, so the staff was keeping to themselves and working as quickly as possible.
It was nice for Severus to find himself up to his collar in work, because it meant that he actually had something to do, not work he had created for himself. He spent the hard week alone, keeping to himself and not joining into the usual staff room conversations after dinner. Most years, he would go to listen and sometimes throw in a bitter comment or two, but this year… it was different. He had lost any inkling he ever had to be a part of the social ring of teachers, and valued his time alone. Being alone meant no one changed your situation for better or for worse.
It was in this lonely solitude that Severus spent his grading week, except when he came out to eat and scold a few wild students in the hallway. The end of the year ceremony came and passed without incident; once again, Gryffindor won the House Cup, and everyone was joyous and happy. The nicest thing Severus managed was a scowl, but he was most grateful when the students got on their carriages and left the grounds to the train station. Then, and only then, he was free to come out at random times and step outside for a walk alone, usually when it was cloudy. It helped him think.
On one such day, he took a walk to help clear his mind. It was cloudy and windy, but Severus didn't notice until his robes began making it difficult to walk, as there was something of a sail effect in his billowing robes. After the wind picked up even more and it became a bothersome task to walk, he turned to go inside, and therefore found his way to the front path. When he reached the gravel way, he saw another figure in bright blue waiting on the path, and promptly recognized it as the Headmaster, for he was smoothing his beard to keep the wind from whipping it around. Severus continued up the walk as Dumbledore waited for him.
"Headmaster," Severus said in greeting.
"Severus, you've come out of the dungeon again, wonderful! It's rather breezy today," Dumbledore said cordially.
"Yes, quite a deal windy," replied Severus. "I believe though that you did not come out here to discuss the weather."
Dumbledore shook his head. "You are correct, I actually had the intention of talking to you about Ms. Talin."
"Oh really?" replied Severus, sounding mildly curious.
"Indeed. I think you should go see the professor right away."
"I don't see a reason for that, she's doing perfectly fine on her own," Severus said somewhat coldly.
Dumbledore looked around him, and then gripped Severus' arm sympathetically. "Not as well as you would think. She's moving out, Severus." Severus looked at him hard.
"Why would she do that?" he asked, astounded.
"She would be the one to tell you that. I would suggest asking her. Go on," he said, and gestured to the doors. Severus nodded, then set off with his long strides to her room.
By the time he had reached her rooms, he was honestly considering just letting her alone and going back to his rooms, but something inside his mind woke up and demanded to settle this problem once and for all. Therefore, without knocking, he put his hand on the doorknob and pushed the door open.
The scene before him was strange to his eyes. Books floated about the room and into certain piles, the desks were scrubbed and pushed against the wall, and the floor was swept. Cassi stood behind a barren desk, putting things into a box. She looked up at him in surprise, eyes shining out from dark sockets. Her robes hung on her figure for she had lost weight in her habit of skipping meals, but what Severus noticed most was that she had a very calm expression, marked by a look of indifference in her eyes.
"Severus, I figured you would be coming by sometime," she said in a formal tone.
"Dumbledore said you were moving out. You weren't fired, were you?" he asked, stepping through the floating mass of books by pushing through them with open palms and approaching the front of her desk.
"No no," she said, not looking at him as she continued her work. "No, I quit. I'm moving back to Moscow."
"When?" he asked.
"The day after tomorrow, if I remember my dates correctly." She brushed a piece of hair out of her face and continued to work.
"So you're just picking up and leaving, then?"
"Well, yes. I've got a place to stay there, and a job opportunity at a Muggle shop. I might come back for the August defense meeting."
"Why did you quit?" he asked firmly.
"Many reasons. Partially because I'm not physically up to the job, but mostly because I'm trying to save face for you." She continued packing, but he stopped her by taking the books out of her hands, and setting them down on her desk.
"Why would I need my reputation saved?" he asked warily. She bit her lip and left to go into her office, but faster than she had seen him move in a long time, he bolted around her desk and blocked her way. "Why would I need my reputation saved, Cassi?" he asked again, more firmly.
"Sit down, I'll tell you when I put something up," she responded, looking over his shoulder to her office.
"I'd prefer to stand. Continue," he said harshly. She picked a book up off the desk slowly and gripped it tightly.
She shook her head, then smiled sadly. "Because, Severus… rumors fly quickly at this school, and what would they say when they saw I was pregnant?"
The silence in the room was deafening. Severus stared openly at her, his whole face showing disbelief; his large black eyes were opened wide, his mouth hung open slightly, and he had become strangely pale as a rush of color left his face. She pushed past him and put the book away in her office, not really wanting to look at him in the other room. For the past few weeks, she had been taking a Calming Concoction so she could handle herself normally, but she had neglected it this afternoon, and she could feel the effects wearing off.
There was a creak and the rustling of fabric as she heard Severus sit down in her chair. Sadly, she walked back to the classroom, and saw him, his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his hands. Ebony hair cascaded over his hands and cheeks, and she felt sorry for him, truly, but exceedingly nervous about what he would say. The silence continued, and Cassi leaned against the wall, waiting for him to talk.
"It can't be… my child," he said finally, in a rather firm voice.
Cassi clenched her fists. "No, it's Flitwick's, you're absolutely right, because it has to be one of those electric affairs I'm having," she said savagely. Ever since he had made his comments about her cheating on him, she had been quite hurt and embittered by it. "Severus, whose do you think it is?"
He looked up at her strangely, and spoke to her as if giving directions to a small child. "What I'm trying to say is that it is not physically possible for it to be mine. The prolonged use of the Anxiety Potion makes it impossible for males to have children."
"Not so impossible. You see, I knew that, we've both talked about it. I researched in the library when Madame Pomfrey informed me of my condition, and went back to her to ask what they treated you with after the kidnapping. She replied that bezoars, phoenix tears, and a few other irrelevant plants were used," she explained.
He nodded slowly. "Yes, that would reverse everything…"
Cassi folded her arms. "You still don't sound convinced. Why? Why am I such an infidel to you?"
"The man at Hogsmeade?"
"Who, Sasha? My brother? Ha! I've been writing to him ever since the break we had, and he's been talking to my parents and explaining things. He found out about magic soon after I left, and things have been easier for him. I didn't tell you because I scarcely had time to, and then it didn't matter anymore after we started fighting." Cassi sat at the edge of her desk now, looking down at him as he rest his jaw on his fist, his eyes looking to the floor in realization and incredulity. "Anyone else I've been sleeping with in your mind?"
Severus looked up at her hard. "Cassi, I never thought you were with someone else because you were flighty, I thought you were with someone else because I wasn't good enough. I've yet to have a grasping as to why you would stay with someone like me."
She knelt down now to be eye level with him, searching his eyes. "And yet I tell you all the time that I love you, which has never been easy for me, and it doesn't penetrate that wall of low self-confidence you've built around yourself. It seems like I've always loved you though, and I always will. I can say it a thousand times for you but it doesn't matter." There was a silence.
His face grew stormy. "But you didn't have enough confidence in me to tell me that I'm the father of our child?"
She stood as she sensed him closing off to her. "That's different."
"How, exactly, is it different?"
She was touching the desk again, looking at the grain of the wood and tracing it with her fingers. "It's different because I've not been right in the mind. I didn't know for about two weeks, I just felt ill off and on. I was also so snappish. So, you forced me to go to the nurse, who gave me some pills to right me, which worked alright. She said she wanted to do a test out of curiosity, so I agreed and went back to her three days later. Obviously, that's when she told me I was pregnant, and I told her she was mistaken. I went to the library during break and looked it up, not finding much until I began to wonder if you had been given phoenix tears. I went back and asked her, and she confirmed my suspicions. I begged her not to tell you because I didn't know how you'd react. I also took myself off the pills because they weren't safe for me. I held myself together until that evening, when I came back to the room in tears, and you burst in a short while later and demanded to know why I was crying.
I felt terrible the entire time, I wanted to tell you everything but I was too afraid. In my mind, scenes kept replaying themselves. Times when you'd come back and fall on the bed, declaring that you hated the children because they were incompetent came to mind. And… and there were things Voldemort had said…' Do you honestly think Severus is going to be there for you for everything? Support you in all your dreams? Think again child, think again-'"
"So you agreed with his words?" Severus interjected loudly.
"No, you're not listening to me! I'm trying to tell you that there were a thousand things holding me back because I was emotionally unstable! Half the time I thought you had known all along and were tormenting me by pretending to be unknowing, and the other half I was sure that you didn't know, but you'd make me give it up if you did! I wanted this child, I wanted to keep it, and both prospects seemed frightening. I hated you for not knowing and not forcing me to tell you, and I hated myself for doing this to you. I wasn't emotionally balanced, and I'm still not. I've been taking Calming Concoctions for a few weeks now to teach and hold myself together."
"So you decided to quit and move out."
"I have to. The kids are too curious, and it will be rather obvious very quickly that I'm pregnant. The school board would have kicked me off anyway, especially if they get interested and try to do a background check on me; it would make them curious. I wouldn't be able to stand it here anyway, seeing you everyday and knowing how I've treated you," she said quietly as his presence grew louder.
"Yes, that's the obvious thing to do, leave me when I'm alone and desperate, yes," he said bitterly, glaring. "Do you know how many nights I've been kept up, wondering where I went wrong? Where I lost you? Who I'd lost you to?"
"I don't know, and I'm sorry, you have to believe that much," she said, still quiet.
"And now… now I've found out I've fathered a child! Severus Snape has fathered a child! …How far are you?" His mocking voice held more bitterness than it did surprise.
She detected a dangerous note in his tone. "Almost two months," she replied meekly.
"And in those two months, you couldn't find the words to tell me. What did you think I was going to do, kill you?"
Cassi touched his arm with caution, but he brushed her away roughly. "I told you I didn't mean it, Severus!"
"Did it not occur to you that I might want to have a child? Is that so far beyond you? Why wouldn't I want a child, am I so abnormal that the normal hopes and desires of a man are foreign to me?" he shouted, now standing up and towering over her and glaring with glittering black eyes. Silent tears were falling down her cheeks, and she couldn't respond for some time.
"And did it not occur to you that I've been too afraid to even hope it?" she managed to say.
"Of course that's not beyond me, I'm rather used to it! I'm widely known as a fear-striking, cold-hearted monster, I don't know why you'd see me any differently!" he thundered.
"You know that's not true Severus!" she yelled back desperately.
He turned away and stormed to the door. "It might as well be Snape to you, Ms. Talin," he said in a very cold voice. "I hope you find success in Russia, goodbye." And with that, he opened the door, stepped through it, and slammed it behind him.
Cassi fell down to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and sobbing hard, thinking over and over, "You know that's not true, you know I love you!"
~
Severus awoke with a groan, aching all over. What an awful dream he had had, something about Cassi being pregnant which caused him to fly into a rage… He remembered suddenly that it had not been a dream, but the events that had taken place two days before. Looking around his empty room, he collapsed back on his pillow. Getting up was pointless. He shook his head, trying to remember why this day seemed prominent though, and then realized that it was the day she said she was leaving. Moving a hand to his eyes, he felt something odd in his hand, and looked down at it. A black hair ribbon was tied loosely around his palm, holding a folded piece of parchment to it. Delicately, he removed the smooth ribbon, unfolded the parchment, and read it.
"I want to leave.
I don't think it would be acceptable to leave together in the middle of the meeting. Your boy toy would make the connection..."
It was in both her and his handwriting, and he remembered that it was the note they had written back and forth to each other on the night of the last defense meeting. Decidedly, he folded the paper back up, and still gripping the ribbon, went to get dressed in a rush.
***
Cassi looked to the Headmaster, whom she was shaking hands with just outside her carriage. "Thank you, Headmaster, for everything you've done this year."
Dumbledore smiled sadly at her. "I only wish you did not feel the need to leave. If you ever need anything, just send me an owl. Will you be coming to the meeting in August?"
"I'm afraid not, I believe I've done enough damage here," she said as she released his hand.
"He's still quite fond of you," Dumbledore said wisely. "He just has his ways."
"I fear I've undone his love for good now. Hopefully he'll move on," she said sadly. She had given up her calming potions now, for she was empty of emotion. A few days ago, this would have sent her into tears, but with no more tears to cry, she only stood now in the whipping wind as if chiseled from stone.
"Will you move on?"
"I don't know, sir." She looked back at the castle. "I will miss him. I will miss the castle as well. Thank you again."
"It was a pleasure to have you on the staff," he replied, and patted her shoulder. "It looks like it might rain again, you should hurry." She nodded and stepped into the carriage, her small suitcase already in the carriage on the opposite seat. He shut the door to it, and she peered out the open window.
"Goodbye, Professor Dumbledore," she said quietly.
With a bow, he said. "Goodbye, I am sorry that the parting is not a happy one."
"What parting is?" she asked. "If I need you, I will owl you, and if you need me, here is my address." She handed him a slip of parchment with her address in both Cyrillic and English.
"Goodbye my dear," he said, tucking it into his pocket. The horseless carriage started off further down the path and out of the gate, soon to disappear with the curve in the road. Dumbledore stood for a moment more, then turned. As he was walking back to the castle from the midway point to the gate, he distinguished the familiar lanky figure of Severus Snape from the shadows of the doorway, only to watch him vanish inside when the sound of wooden wheels in dirt faded into nothingness.
~
Ooh, makes you feel all cold and curious inside, doesn't it? Want to know what happens? I'll tell you in the next chapter. Ha. That's what I love about writing, I can hold the "I know something you do not" card over your head aaaaallll day. *grin* This is the review part.