Chapter 53

I woke up screaming, sitting up quickly to feel a cold sweat covering my body. I tried to catch my breath, plagued by the nightmare. Becky's hands were on me and she seemed extremely alarmed. I realized what we'd done and gasped, shoving her off and nearly jumping to my feet to glare down at her. I had on a pair of dress pants, no clothes other than that, and it appeared that she wore nothing, pulling the blanket we'd had on the floor over her chest. I felt filthy, unable to believe how I'd betrayed Amber, and now she was angry with me. I raked my hand over my scalp, thrilled by the sting it gave. Exhilarated, yet so appalled at my own behavior. I stared at her angrily.

"What are you trying to do?" I demanded of her, glowering, even more pissed off at all of it when I saw the look of confusion that spread across her, as if she didn't know what I was talking about. "Oh don't give me that look! You  know what you caused me to do," I spat.

"I-" she stuttered her reply. "I'm…sorry," she murmured, still as if she didn't know anything. I shook my head.

"What were you thinking, Becky?" I asked her in disbelief. "What were you trying to do?"

Her mouth hung open. "Me? Kane, you're the one who started it!"

I fell silent, knowing that she was telling the truth, that she was right, I was wrong, that it was my fault. I lowered my eyes and sighed. "…right. Sorry." I ran my hand through my hair again. "No offense, uhh…Becky, but I need to be alone…" I was incapable of looking at her as I said this. She sighed and I heard her moving and grabbing clothes from the floor. I shook my head to myself quickly, taking it back. "No…I'm sorry. You can stay here if you want…just leave me alone for a while…"

If she said anything after that I didn't hear it as I walked through the other door of the room, through the dining room and into the kitchen. Everything was so devoid of feeling and comfort without her, so gone from the truth that I didn't recognize it that much, like it was a mirror world or something. I turned and looked at the stove, and ahead to our open bedroom door and the bathroom door that was to the right in the hallway. I remembered coming out of the bedroom that once to see her and Eeyore making pancakes. I held back the heavy pain that rose in my chest and reached blindly to grab a chef's knife from the rack on the counter, not having to look to see where it was because I knew it was there. I staggered into the bedroom, locking the door and sulking to the corner of the room, falling against the wall and sliding down to curl there, beside the pile of CD's that had fallen and had yet to have been picked up.

The cuts that Amber had given me during the restless dream was vivid in my imagination, so much so that I felt that it would drive me mad because I thought I could see their traces. My eyes were open and my hands were steady as I recreated them, pushing the blade down strongly, making four lines across my wrist before putting the knife down on the floor. I stared down as the blood trickled, my arm red yet the cuts deeper in color, though were quite shallow to a point where they would do no permanent damage, only good, to let me vent. I liked it, enjoyed the color that I hadn't seen in so long, veritably blazing from the white snow that fell now before black skies.

The pain wasn't too great, really just a sting, nothing in comparison to what I felt inside. But I owed it to Amber, even if It didn't mean anything to me, it meant something to her as I sat there, with no shirt, cradling my wounded arm against my bare stomach. My eyes closed, feeling so heavy that I couldn't keep them open. I hadn't really slept at all in the hours passed, and fell drowsy, lethargic now as my head fell back, leaning against the wall.

"Amber," I mumbled. I coughed, feeling out of breath, exhausted. "I'm sorry, Amber. I love you more than the world. I'm so sorry, Amber, you have to believe me…" my words were slurring and I could hear that for myself. I was just so tired…and crying again, but gently. Very lightly, making no strangle on my words or stage of drowsiness. "Amber I'm bleeding for you, for your life, Amber…which I wish I could give back to you…just, please. Don't be angry with me. I can't stand for you to be angry with me…" I let my body go numb, felt the bit of wetness of blood against my stomach. Slowly it was drying, becoming sticky, giving me a horrible recollection of previous experiences such as this, again, things that I hadn't thought of in years. I remember cutting my arms lightly, leaving no scars, just shallow slashes which would heal, whose sting made my adrenal glands active, made inner pain lessen, if even for only a few minutes. I remember how sticky the blood would get as it dried, as the smell gets thicker then, so that it filled my head with that rusty kind of tang that blood gave off.

Everything was blurry, disorganized. I held my head with my uncut arm, fingers in my hair, palm against my forehead. Too silent. I hated it. The sound of nothing ate at my brain, burning a hole in my head, starting small and working to be bigger, corroding. I could visualize the underside of my skull, gray matter burning and singing, blood sloshing and draining out of my ears, my feeling numbing. I didn't react to the pain in this vision, just let it all happen, not fighting. But the silence…

In a clumsy motion I reached to the pile of discarded CDs, grabbing a random one, crawling to the other side of the room to put it in the stereo. All I saw was a gray disc, couldn't make out the letters, didn't even look at the case to see what it was as I hit the random button and fell back on my heels, leaning against the foot of the bed. By coincidence, as a joke, I don't know why, but I was met with a mellow, sweet tune, drowned and meeting a crescendo. My eyes darted to the face of the stereo, my blood smeared over the buttons, fingerprints just barely visible, kind of glossy. I stared in horror as it poured through the speakers, as my whole body felt a crashing pain, as if I'd been hit by a truck. I held my chest, taking in ragged breaths of air as the song played, and seemed to drip, like water, or tears, or the blood that ran down my arm. I started to cry pathetically, choking, strangles, holding my ears, the blood on my arm smearing onto the side of my face. "No…no, not this song…" I said out loud, yet made no effort to turn off the music as it continued to play, as the weight of the song kicked in. I thought my head would explode. That song…The Background.

It was the song I'd listened to that day, right before Claudette was born, and I hadn't known that to relate it to at the time, thinking only of my mother, unsure of why it was written. But it seemed perfectly clear to me now.

"Everything is quiet since you're not around. And I live in numbness now in the background. I do the things we did before. I walk Haight Street to the store. And they say 'Where's that crazy girl? You don't get drunk on red wine and fight no more.' I don't see you anymore, since the hospital. The plans I make still have you in them cause you come swimming into view. And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do. The words they use so lightly I only feel for you, I only know because I carry you around, in the background."

I grit my teeth, scalp in flames as I pulled my hair. "Fuck!" I screamed, the words passing through my mouth without me opening it. Very thinly I tasted blood, lightly running from my arm to my temple, rolling down the side of my face and falling to my lips. I closed my eyes, sobbing, listening to the song, hating it.

"Girls they come and memories all repeat. I lift your head while they change the hospital sheets. And I would never lie to you, no, I would never lie to you, no. I felt you long after we were through, we were though. The plans I make still have you in them cause you come swimming into view. And I'm hanging on your words like I always used to do. The words they use so lightly I only feel for you. I only know because I'm way, I'm way in the background. I'm in the background…"

With a guttural scream I kicked the stereo so that the CD changed, and it went onto one of Amber's mixes, one that she left in the CD player. I remembered that she liked it and had been going on binges of listening to it, but must've forgotten it from last time we were here together. I opened my eyes, tears fluidly falling, looking timidly at the digital display window, afraid of what would come on, like all the songs were out to get me.

I heard a building sound, like ones they use to test the surround on a television. I vaguely recognized the song, something by one of the Goth bands that Amber listened to. I enjoyed Goth music, just didn't listen to it as much as she did. But I recognized the band, The Crüxshadows, and knew that the song was called Even Angels Fall. The music came in and weighed me down, not and blind, sharp pain but just paralyzing. It came in, synthesizers and eerie, fantasy sounding chimes. I cringed as the lyrics came on, the vocals pained, drawn and miserable. Rogue seemed as pained as I was.

"Sorrow sings her kisses in silence. Adjusts the blinds to the keep the light from mocking everything I feel. She dances slowly, a silhouette upon the curtains, but her eyes seem to cry only empty tears. I bet for comfort with inadequate verse. It meant so much to me…and so little to her. And I am sinking into a mountain of self pity. Why can't I simply disregard all the things I feel? Where is my angel? Where is my angel? Where is my angel when I need him most? Tell me now-where did he go?"

The fact that my arm was bleeding all over me and cut open was forgotten. I reached over and in some act of masochism or impulse, something I couldn't even identify, I hit the repeat button, so that the song started all over again. And I listened to it again. And over and over. I don't know how many times I heard it, how many times I heard the lyrics and thought of my wife and my daughter and  my son. It could've been hours, I don't know, I don't remember and I wasn't paying attention at the time. But eventually I heard knocking at the door, and saw that the knob was turning back and forth, like someone was trying to open it but it was locked.

"What the fuck do you want?" I called, glaring at the door. Outside it was still snowing, and windy, so that it seemed that it fell sideways.

"Kane, open the door. Please…" it was a female voice. Becky's. I knew somewhere in the back of my head who it was but I didn't want to admit it. I wanted it to be Amber behind the door, so that she could come in and we could kiss and dance and…be together. My eyebrows came together and with that false hope I stood, walking across the room and opening the door.

"Amber?" I asked excitedly when I opened it, expecting to see her there. But I didn't. I didn't see purple hair, but golden. I felt a bad taste in my mouth and all the sorrow turned to anger. The Crüxshadows continued to play behind me as I took a step backward into the room, watching Becky's eyes travel to my arm, seeing the cuts, seeing the blood that was dried on my stomach and on my face. I had made a mess, not realizing it until just then, that blood was all over me, even though I wasn't bleeding anymore.

"No, Kane, I'm Becky…" she said softly, like she was afraid of me.

"I thought you were Amber," I mumbled. She winced, like my words struck her. Her eyes lifted back up to mine and took on some transition, like they had right before we'd slept together.

"Kane, how could you do this to me?" she demanded. Her voice didn't sound concerned, just pissed off. "What do you think I am, Kane? Do you think I'm just some doll for you to use because you miss her? Well I miss you, Kane! I know that she's dead, I know, and I understand that, but you can't go using everyone else to make up for it! What? Do you think I'm just gonna sit out here and not say anything with you in there listening to some tragic song on repeat with the volume all the way up? How can you ask me to do that? I care about you, Kane!! And then I come in here and you're arm is slashed up! What do you want me to do about that, Kane? Are you just gonna fuck me and then act like I'm some dog that you can kick around? What do you think I am?"

I glared at her. "I don't know, but you've got a lot of balls to say that to me."

"WHAT?" she looked outraged. "Why? Because I'm the first person that's sticking up for myself? Get yourself together, Kane! You can't just use people like you want to! The world doesn't revolve around you!"

"But it does," I almost said, but stopped myself. The world revolved around me. I was a brat and got what I wanted…I realized that, and felt suddenly invincible. I would apologize to her and she'd accept it and we would still be friends.

The expression on my face softened, I felt the muscles relax. I sighed. "I'm sorry, Becky," I said. "Really…I know I've been an asshole…just…I don't know. I'm confused."

Her face stayed hard and angry. "Well that's too fucking bad, Kane. I'm tired of this shit," she said, and pivoted, going through the kitchen and dining room, away from me. I ran down the other hallway and into the living room to meet her there. I stood in the doorway, watching her put on her shoes and grab her purse, watching her slip into her jacket. She was crying.

"Becky…" I said softly. She walked towards the doorway.

"Get the fuck out of my way," she said, frustrated, placing a hand on my chest and shoving me. She stormed through the foyer.

"Becky!" I said sharply. "Will you wait?! I want to talk to you!"

She stopped and turned around slowly, smiling like it was all some kind of irony. I saw the tears that stained her face, shining. My stomach twisted. "You want to talk to me? What about, Kane? Kane, I've never been so upset before and you don't even care. You don't care about me, all you care about is Amber."

"No…no, Becky, I do care about you, really…" I sounded so lost. I was at her mercy.

"Then stay with me!" she sobbed. "I don't want to be alone…"

I reached out and touched her shoulder, afraid that I'd get blood on her so I didn't hug her, just gripped her with my hand. "Becky…" I didn't know what to say, just her name, coaxing, like a canticle. She wriggled out from under me, stepping backwards and away from me.

"Don't…" she said under her breath, and turned, walking down the short hallway from the foyer to the door. I heard the door open.

"Becky, wait!" I called, and ran the few steps it was to the hall, looking down it as I heard the door closed. But she was right. The world didn't revolve around me, not anymore. And she was gone.