Chapter 55
Hollow xylophone chiming met my ears. I felt a wave of nausea as I sat up, not recognizing my surroundings. The music was so hollow, echoing off unbounded shining walls, white, glares from light bouncing all around, yet I could not find the source. I leaned on my elbows, narrowing my eyes, the walls around me constricting, the floor cold. The ceiling was all clean, clear glass, leading to blue skies. The beauty of it cause my breath to catch. The music continued, sounding slightly like a music box until I heard Maynard's voice. "Been over…been over this before…"
I ran my hands through my hair, realizing that I wore the glove and gauntlet that I would wear to the ring, looking down at my body to be met with bright red, stretching clothes which I wore when I wrestled, one sleeve, transparent slashes across the chest.
"Been over and over…been over this before…"
A Perfect Circle. For some reason I realized it this time. I could think clearly. I remember. Thinking of You. Thomas. Now it was Over. I was dreaming.
I pushed myself off the ground, lifting my knee. The moment my heavy wrestling boot contacted the floor, the heavy piano came on, loud, swallowing me. But it was a dream, I knew it, and tried not to panic.
"Amber?" I called out. My voice didn't echo back, seemed to be absorbed by the song. I knew that she must've been there, she had to be. I bit my lip, feeling the leather of my mask covering my face as I took a step forward, looking up, my head tilting back to see the glass ceiling. As I looked, the skies darkened, clouds drifting in, ominous and black, making the room fill with shadows.
"And over…been over this before…"
I couldn't suppress a sigh, wondering perhaps that she wouldn't come. I didn't want to lose faith in her, and I did believe in her…but it seemed to take so long, though it was perhaps seconds. I wanted her. I missed her completely too much to believe that she wouldn't come as she had before. I'd seen her twice already in dreams with A Perfect Circle, and both times she'd been panicked. Both times I'd been panicked, too. But I didn't want to be. I knew what was going on. I felt calm, I didn't want this to be the end. The clouds hanging above me wouldn't make me scared, I told myself that.
"So over this…been over this…so over this…been over this…so over this before…"
Light started to fill the room from the corner. I turned slowly, faintly nervous to see what it was, just seeing gold in the corner of my eye, and bright yellow light coming from it. The crescendo of the song came as I turned, the echoing chimes stopping, a greater sound from beneath creeping, becoming louder. Random vocals from different songs blended together as the sound increased, rattling my ears. As I pivoted and came to a stop, so did the music, abruptly.
Gold robes. Long gold robes like Greek togas, held together over her chest with some type of modern Gothic corset. I felt myself smile, softly, and some type of breeze came from behind her, pushing the fabric up in ripples. Her face remained expressionless as I walked toward her, calm, eased by the gentleness of her presence. She wore a small tiara, and that two was gold and very simple, only one piece of it showing through her purple hair.
"You came…" I stated. It was an observation, not surprised, because I'd expected her to come.
"You're smiling, aren't you? I can tell by the way your mask just moved," her voice sounded young, brilliant, happy, though her face bore no change. I nodded, pressing my lips together, wanting to be happy for her.
"Yeah…I guess I did."
I reached over and let my fingers graze her cheek. Warm skin, soft. She narrowed her eyes, tilting her head to the side slightly. "You miss me," she said without emotion. Her eyes lifted to look up at me. I bit my bottom lip hard, refusing to cry, refusing to let this touch of heaven be ruined. I simply nodded my head.
The breeze that came from behind her was warm, summer air, loosening my muscles. I reached my hand up, sliding it down to her neck, then up around the back of her head, my fingers woven in her hair. Oh…I really did miss her. I missed having her in my arms, I missed her warmth.
"I love you," I said softly, wrapping my other arm around her shoulders, pulling her against me. I felt her small arms embrace me as well, felt like I would have a heart attack. Everything was racing.
"Calm down…" she said softly. I pulled away just enough to be able to look down at her. She lifted her head to look at me as well, and smiled just barely, something that only I would notice, the slight change in her eyes, the way the corners just tightened a little. She put one of her hands on my chest, sliding it up and to my neck, her fingertips placed just barely under my mask, touching the hair of my goatee. I reached up and lifted the bottom of the mask, so that my mouth was exposed, remembering that night on Raw when we'd had the tag match. I leaned down and kissed her, soothed by the opposite of the cold I'd felt the past few times I'd contacted her physically. I moaned, and she giggled through it.
How long it last I'm not sure, but we remained fused like that for an eternity to me, something I treasured. When it was over, I kneeled in front of her, taking her hands in mine, kissing her wrists, her fingertips, her knuckles. "You are my Queen," I said to her softly, between my lavish blessings.
"Your queen?" she raised one eyebrow and smiled crookedly, in a very flourishing gesture raising her arms to put them around me, hugging me, holding my head against her chest. She slowly sank to her knees, shifting her arms so that they were around my neck and she was lying across my lap. "That means you'll do what I tell you?"
I nodded. "Anything, Amber…anything…"
"Take care of Jake."
I looked down at her, my eyes widening. She arched her neck and lay across me, stretching.
"You've been ignoring him, haven't you?"
I swallowed. "Yeah…kind of…"
"Don't do that," she said, and laughed a little. "If you love me, you'll love him. You remember why we have him, right?"
"Because you asked for him…" I said, my mind wandering, remembering how out of she'd been in the hospital, but that I didn't care and did whatever I could for her. "And because I loved you enough not to care that you were drugged and didn't know what the hell you were saying…"
"You really love me, don't you?"
"Yes…" the more I tried not to let it get to me, the more dead my voice sounded. She reached up and curled a strand of my hair around her finger, barely tugging on it. I inhaled sharply, feeling the pain in my scalp as she did it, wishing that we could stay there forever. I didn't want to let her go, didn't want her to ever let go of me. She hummed something very quietly to herself, thinly, sweetly, her voice honey and sunshine and bells. The room was so dark, yet she lit it up, her gold radiating light, life, voice seeming to stream colors into the air, like Fantasia's shapes, twirling abstractly, winding around me, binding us together with nonexistent strings, chords.
She started to sing, very softly, in a high, perfect voice that beat Melora's. "I'm the lucky one, always having fun, I tie back my hair…" Rasputina, Watch T.V. I sighed and pushed hair away from her face, my hands traveling over her body, one resting on her hip, the other underneath her, in the small of her back. I savored this, her warmth, her shape beneath me. "I sit and watch T.V., I see only me, though I look for you there. Oh, where have you gone? Were you canceled? I change to channel two. You were the one who gave me all my answers. I changed, so did you. Try another show, with the volume low. I make up what they say. Where it used to be your face, is an empty space. Your co-stars look away. Oh, where have you gone, and do you miss me? And what we used to do? You were the one who'd talk and smile for half an hour, always new," she paused. She knew that I was crying. She always hated when I cried, and at the same time used to tell me how beautiful the tears were. Her hands reached around behind me and slipped off the mask, pulling me down towards her, kissing my cheek. I thought of the first time she'd seen my face, saying that I looked like a raccoon. I laughed bitterly as she continued singing. "I'm the lucky one, I watch re-run, it looks a lot like you. One star lost a family, one family lost a star. That's why I wait and watch to find out where you are. One family lost a star, one star, they lost a family. That's why I sit at home alone and watch T.V." As she sang the rest of the song it seemed that her light became brighter and brighter. "I can watch forever. I can watch for hours. It just gets better. It gives me power. I can watch for hours. I can watch forever. It gives me pleasure. It makes me…better. I'm the lucky one, always having fun…"
"Amber no," I said, blinded, the light brighter so that all I saw was white. I held her body against me, flexing my fingers, trying to keep her close, in touch, but the warmth faded as well. I started to scream.
"Kane, Kane!" someone was shaking my shoulders. I thrashed my arms, unable to see, shouting. "Kane, stop! Kane calm down it's just a dream!"
Slowly the light faded and I saw purple and blue splattered paint on the ceiling, and…Raven. I rubbed my eyes and groaned.
"Shit, dude…" I moaned, shoving him away. "What the hell? Fuckin'…cocksucker…"
Raven scratched his head, looking kind of clueless. "Mark had to leave so he asked me if I'd come over and keep an eye on you…he said you were probably really hung over."
"Oh…" I got out of bed, slowly so that I wouldn't fall over or anything. "Yeah, I am."
He just stared at me as I walked past him and into the kitchen, seeing that the cabinets were filled with food. Mark must've gone shopping for me, or told Raven to. I sighed put pieces of the bread I'd bought the night before into the toaster. Raven followed me into the room, leaning against one of the counters.
"So where did Mark go?" I asked casually.
"Raw. D.C."
Why this bothered me, I don't know. I felt my throat tighten, and felt suddenly very alone. But I scolded myself inwardly, knowing that I shouldn't be surprised. It was his job, there was no reason for him to stick around forever. Raven pulled away from fraying strings from the ripped sleeves of his shirt.
"Umm…me and Saphrin are going to leave for the road again tonight…" he said. I could tell by his tone that he felt bad doing it. "Are you coming?"
The world seemed to stop moving. I hadn't even thought about wrestling. My words didn't come to me as I stared at him. Wrestling…for the first time since I'd started I actually questioned it, whether or not I still wanted to wrestle. All I could do was stare at Raven.
"Vince will probably be really lenient with you?" he said, the strings from his shirt falling through his fingers and floating down to the floor. He leaned up from the counter, grabbing a cup from one of the cabinets and walking to the refrigerator, pouring himself orange juice. "He was really loose with us, too, but I mean…we can't just take as long as we want to grieve. If we're going to live through this…we have to keep living, you know? And I don't want to test him. He's not paying us to take unscheduled weeks off. So…we're gonna go back tonight and make it to a house show tomorrow afternoon."
"Shit," I mumbled. The bell on the toaster went off and I could smell the toast, but I'd lost my appetite. "I haven't even thought about that this whole time…fuck."
"What are you going to do?" he asked. He was so quiet. I felt horrible, knowing why, knowing that he was, more or less, afraid of me. Not that he shouldn't have been. I'd been a real asshole to him.
"Umm…I don't know," I said, taking the toast and dropping it onto a plate. I picked at it, peeling away the crust. "I'll call Vince tonight and talk to him."
"Saphrin wants to see you before we leave…she didn't come with me though, she drove Mark and Becky to the airport."
"Becky?" I exhaled deeply. "Jesus Christ I've been such a dick!" I exclaimed. Raven cracked a smile.
"You seem to be in a good mood…" he said, and took another sip of his orange juice.
"Uh…yeah, I had a good dream," I said off-handedly. "Is she going home?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"Where's Jake?"
"He's here. He was at the hotel with us…you were being really negligent, you know…"
"Yeah…" I cursed under my breath and kicked the refrigerator. "Sorry. My head…hasn't been where it should be. What about Sugarbear? And…Evan?" I almost couldn't say the child's name, thinking of Armand.
"They're here too…in the living room. I was with them but I heard you yelling so I came to make sure everything was alright…"
For a while we just talked there until he heard Evan crying, and we went into the living room. Jake seemed cautious around me, which made me feel even worse than I already did. I gave him his space, not wanting to annoy him or anything. Sugarbear was in a little box on the table, just…sitting there like he usually did, occasionally making noise or moving. For the most part he remained pretty calm.
Later in the afternoon Saphrin came over and made an early dinner. She seemed calm, unshaken by everything and ignoring the fact that on and off I'd treated her like shit. She was a good friend. Both of them were, waiting on me in my own home. She gave me a hug goodbye, telling me to just calm down and she'd call me when they got where they were going. After they left I walked in circles in the apartment, through the foyer and down the hall, through the kitchen and dining room, through the living room and back into the foyer, over and over. It was a small apartment, made for a small family, which we were. We didn't need luxury apartments, even though we could afford them. Our apartment was luxurious enough, even if it was small. After about an hour I grabbed the phone, pacing back and forth in the living room with it in my hand. Finally I dialed the number.
"Hello?"
"Vince? It's Kane…"
"Oh…" he sounded surprised. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm okay…but I wanted to talk to you about my contract…" the pit of my stomach tightened.
"Oh…alright. What is it?"
"I don't want to wrestle anymore."
"Kane…" he negotiated. "Are you sure about that? I mean…it could be just the thing to get you back in your right mind after what's happened."
"I'm sure, Vince. I don't want to wrestle anymore. I…I can't do it. It reminds me too much of her…"
He sighed. "Okay. I'll tell you what…I won't hold you to any ties with your contract. You stop wrestling and I'll keep you in mind and when you decide that you want to again you just give me a call. Does that sound okay?"
I paused. By saying yes, like I wanted to, I wouldn't have a job. I didn't want it…really I didn't, but I wondered if perhaps I was making the wrong decision. Eh. "Yes. Thanks, Vince…"
"Right. Well, Kane, I hope you're successful in your future…good luck."
"Thanks," I said, and hung up the phone. I dropped it on the floor, a soft sound coming as it hit the carpet. I shivered, cold, and knelt next to the fire place, lighting a fire. There was nothing to do, now. I was bored. My mind fought me, making me wonder if I should've kept my job. Because now I was alone, in my apartment, without a daughter to play with or a wife to have sex with and my brother, my friends, were all on the road wrestling.
"Well Jake," I said, turning to look at him from where he sat under a chair. "It's just the two of us now."
The fire made my face feel hot, and I was struck by cold when I turned my head. I caught a glimpse of the window. There was snow on the building beside us. Snow. Snow snow snow.
"Oh, shit…" I said out loud, and stood quickly, running to the bedroom and picking up my jacket from the floor. I searched the pockets, pulling out a white envelope, thick and heavy. Sweat broke out over my head and I wiped it away with my hand, slowly walking back into the living room and sitting down in front of the fire. I sat cross-legged, staring at the flames, then down at the envelope in my hands. Back and forth, back and forth. My hands trembled as I finally pushed the flap back, seeing the gloss of the first picture, the one on the top. I looked at the flames, letting my hands guide the pictures away, discarding the envelope onto the floor. When I looked down I actually laughed.
It was of Raven, in a dressing room, laying on the floor, Sugarbear nesting in his hair. I couldn't help but to smile, his face placid. I turned to the next picture, holding my breath as I was met with Amber, upside down, hanging off the side of a bed. Saphrin must've taken it because I didn't remember it. After that one came the snow. Claudette in the snow, her cheeks full of red, bundled up in her puffy jacket and with her big white snow boots. I clenched my jaw, turning the next picture to see…me. Me holding Claudette, my hair down, one of Claudette's hands in it. I was smiling, my teeth showing, straight, with only the tiny flaw of a small gap. I could've easily gotten it fixed but Amber had always said it was cute. Claudette was laughing, her mouth open, a semi-circle, blissful smile, her eyes squinted with small wrinkles around them. I stared at my face, my skin, letting my eyes travel over it, examining. The area around my eyes wasn't so bad, nor was my mouth. My cheeks, my forehead, the bridge of my nose…all scarred, all hideous. I cringed and took the picture in my two hands, ripping it diagonally so that my head came right off, Claudette still in the image. I threw the other piece into the fire, satisfied as it melted and collapsed, as it burned.
The next picture was Amber with the midsection of the snowman, laughing, her breath in the air in front of her. The one after that was Claudette, just sitting in the snow and looking happily ignorant. Then one of just me, one hand in my pocket, the other holding a snowball. I growled at myself and threw the picture into the fire, the colors dripping before turning orange, then gold, then brown. There were pictures of Amber making a snow angel, of Claudette…laying in the snow with a half-snow angel. There was a picture of me and Amber that I had taken, my arm outstretched in the picture. I ripped it in half, placing Amber in the pile beside me and throwing the section with me to be eaten by flames.
After weeding out all my pictures and burning them I just stared at the pictures, looking down at Claudette and Amber, my finger tracing over her abdomen. My son. My fucking son.