Chapter 58

All around me I could hear crying and whispering, but it took a while for me to do anything about it. I could hear Mark's voice, and Raven's, some unrecognizable ones. I think the crying was Saphrin's. The last three people who cared about me all around me, teasing me almost. I felt weighed down and helpless as I listened to them for an eternity.

I felt hands, felt people touching my left hand, holding it. Probably Saphrin, maybe Mark. And someone combing my hair. I was frustrated, felt helpless. I hated being stuck there, wondered if that was what it was like when you were dead, if this was what it was like for Amber. Hearing things, barely feeling them, not being able to move. It made me want to cry.

"I'm so sorry," I kept hearing. And "I love you, Kane," and "Everything is okay, you're safe."

And then I would hear Mark's voice. "Kane I know you can hear me, I sense it. I want you to know, Kane, that we all love you, that you're in good hands, you're safe. Don't be afraid, Kane, just calm down. Kane, this is Mark and I love you."

He kept saying my name over and over, saying everything in the simplest of terms to let me understand. I was coherent enough in my own mind to know that he could grasp what was going on. Without difficulty he'd probably be able to know what I was thinking. For that reason I tried to communicate with him.

Mark, I'm scared, I was thinking. It's dark. Help me.

I could feel him squeezing my hand. "I know, Kane. Just hang on, it'll be over soon, Kane."

Where are you? I need you, Mark. Please don't leave me.

"I won't, Kane. Calm down, Kane, you're safe. I won't let anything happen to you, Kane. I'm right here with you."

I can't see you. I can't see anything.

"I know you can't. It'll be okay, just give it some time. I'll be here with you, don't worry about it."

Am I dying? Mark it hurts so much. Am I dead? Where am I?

"Don't worry, Kane. You're okay. You're not dead, Kane."

Other voices were in the background, I didn't recognize them, asking Mark what he was doing. I heard Mark snap at them and curse and tell them to fuck off, not much else. Then my hand felt cold, he was gone. I felt an overwhelming despair, afraid, not knowing where he was or why he was leaving me. I wanted to reach out to him but couldn't move, didn't know what to do. I began to panic, heard monitors going off because I started freaking out, heard the doctors telling Mark to leave the room so that they could tend to me. I was frustrated, couldn't feel anything, didn't know what they were doing but could feel myself getting subdued, felt things slowly fade out. I was screaming on the inside.

Mark please don't leave me! Come back! Mark where are you!? Please don't leave me here like this! I'm so scared, don't leave!

No one answered me. And soon it was over. I couldn't even think straight to be scared, just let it pool, let it sit. I don't know what happened then, I don't really remember. I remember that Mark never came back, that I didn't feel any pain.

And then I saw light. Actually it was a little dark, but compared to everything else, it was color, it was light, it was something rather than blackness. That was when the pain kicked in, when my whole right arm felt like it would start melting, when I could feel the soreness in my left arms from deep cuts. I could barely see that there were bandages and IV's, that my left are was heavily wrapped. The lights were off in the room but there was light coming in from the hallway, there was a nurse stationed at a little desk right outside the door. My vision was kind of blurry but I could also see Saphrin, sitting in a chair a few feet away. She didn't seem to notice that my eyes were open, just sat there crying. She was holding something. I tried to lift my arms, to reach for her, but I couldn't.

My voice sounded cracked and broken when I was finally able to speak.

"…Saphrin?" I couldn't believe how weak I sounded. It was barely a whisper, but she heard me.

"Oh my god," she choked out, and started crying. She stood up and stepped over to me, touching my hand. I saw what it was that she was holding. A paper. There was blood on it. It was mine. I felt really exhausted, and scared, and the monitor started going off again. Saphrin closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. "Shh, Kane calm down," she was saying, and ran her hand through my hair. The nurse in the doorway came over and checked some things, Saphrin backing away, crying for a moment before turning and walking out of the room. The nurse didn't say anything to me, and I closed my eyes, not knowing what was happening. When I opened my eyes again she was gone, someone else was stationed at the door.

She, like Saphrin, didn't see me right away. Until I tried to move, tried to sit up. She dropped what she was doing and looked up, looking kind of surprised and then stood up, walking over to me.

"Mr. Callaway?" she was asking me. I couldn't make my mouth move, couldn't concentrate. I think she understood and kept talking. "Mr. Callaway you're in a hospital, you're safe."

I started coughing. "Mark," I managed to say. "Mark. Where's Mark?"

She nodded her head. "Calm down, Mr. Callaway, he'll be sent for."

My body hurt. I took her word for it and stopped trying to talk, stopped trying to move, just tried to sit still and let the pain go away. She checked on a few things before walking back to her desk. I could hear her on the phone, saying "He's asking for you," and telling him my condition. My stomach felt like it would explode, anxiousness crawling. I was impatient and didn't want to wait for him. I closed my eyes, didn't go back to sleep, just closed them and rested, counting in my head, concentrating on my breathing, doing anything to not think of all the pain that I was in.

When Mark arrived I almost cried tears of joy.

He kind of just fell into the doorway, like he'd been running, and was out of breath. He was wearing black jeans and an long sleeved black t-shirt that was big on him. His hair had gotten longer since the last time I'd seen him, and it was tied back. There were tears in his eyes as he rushed over to me.

"Kane," he said. "Are you okay?"

"It hurts," I said to him softly.

He lowered his head and sighed. I knew that he was crying. "I know it does, Kane. Just hang in, it'll be okay."

"Where's Saphrin? She was here?"

"That was this morning," he said to me. I had no concept of time, it surprised me that he said that.

"What happened?" I asked him. All I could remember just then was blackness, and the dream. Nothing else. "Who was the woman?"

"What woman?" he asked, and looked back up. With the back of his hand he wiped away the tears that were falling, his eyes absolutely screaming lime green.

I felt confused. "The…woman. That looked like Amber. With the cigarettes."

His face went blank and he just stared at me for a minute. "No one, Kane. You were imagining her, don't worry about it."

"You know who she is, don't you?"

"Kane she's not real."

"Tell me, Mark."

"Kane…" he said, almost scolding. Before I could say anything he spoke again. "Stop it, you're gonna get all worked up. Just calm down, we can talk about it when you're feeling better."

"But I wanna talk about it now," I insisted.

"No, Kane. Stop it."

"Mark!" I started whining.

For a moment we were just staring at each other before Mark just started laughing, like he couldn't help it. It felt good to see him laugh, it had been so long. So long since I had laughed, even, so it was good. I was able to smile.

"It's good to see you awake," he said, and patted my bicep. I felt really tired, but happy that I'd seen him. I remembered Saphrin. The note. I remembered writing it, didn't remember much else from that night. Just bits and pieces. I remembered the note, remembered Amber's handprint, remembered vomiting outside.

My arms hurt. "I'm really tired," I mumbled.

"So sleep," he said, faintly smiling. He put his hand on mine.

"You don't mind?"

"No, go ahead."

I yawned. "Tell Saph I'm sorry," I said to him, and then fell back asleep.

The reason I remembered completely what had happened was because I had a dream about it. In my mind, I woke up on the plane again, and relived everything. When I woke up that time I was sweating and I couldn't calm myself down. The nurse came over and asked me what was wrong, and what I needed.

"Amber," I was crying. I wasn't asking for her, I knew she was gone, but I couldn't stop saying her name over and over. I don't think the nurse understood. She just told me to calm down.

"I'll get her, I'll get her, Mr. Callaway," she said to me, and told me to relax.

"No you won't," I cried. My body hurt so much. I wanted to tear off my arms.

She just looked at me for a moment and said nothing. I stopped crying and just glared at her, maybe it intimidated her or something because she left. I just sat there, didn't cry, didn't get upset, just tried to relax. I was so bored though, and so stiff and I wanted to move around but I couldn't because I was in so much pain. I had a headache, I hated feeling so pathetic and helpless. And when I couldn't stand just sitting around like that I urged myself to go to sleep.

And every time I woke up it was someone else standing there.

Like I said, I felt no concept of time. Everything was the same to me, and there were no windows in the room so I couldn't tell if it was night or day. There was a clock on the other side of the room way up on the wall but it was too dark for me to see what it said. So I would wake up, look around, get a little confused, and then go back to sleep. Anything to keep me out of the pain I was in.

But Saphrin came. I woke up at one point she was sitting in the chair, just staring at me. She didn't seem that upset, just very placid. When I opened my eyes and groaned a little she looked kind of relieved and came over to me.

"Saphrin," I said, looking up at her.

She tilted her head to the side. "Hey, Kane," she whispered. "How are you doing?"

I managed to smile. "I'm in a lot of pain…" I said, ready to start crying. Tears filled her eyes but she forced a smile, anyway, not saying anything. "You found my note…" I said to her. Again she didn't say anything, and the tears just fell from her eyes. She covered her face with her hands and shook. I felt horrible. "I'm sorry…" I said to her, weakly attempting an apology.

"Why did you do it, Kane?" she asked me. I could only stare at her. She took her hands away from her face and looked at me, causing a sharp pain to stab at my chest. Her face was streaked with tears, red, kind of puffy. "Why did you do it?"

An answer for her wouldn't come. She pulled the note out of her pocket, looked down at it, then to me. It was creased and worn down. She'd read it a lot, I could tell. "I…I've never been good at wrapping gifts…" I mumbled. She started to sob.

"I'm sorry," she said to me. I tried to reach up and touch her but I couldn't. Pain radiated from my forearm, right down the middle where I'd cut. I was kind of surprised that I hadn't succeeded, maybe it was some miracle, like Death was on my side and didn't want to take me.  All I could do was curl in my fingers around her hand.

"Why?"

"Because I haven't been here for you," she said, and grabbed a handful of tissues from a box on the table beside my bed and wiped her eyes. "I feel like it's my fault…"

"What? No…" my head started to throb. "Saphrin it's not your fault, don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about it?" she looked incredulous. "You're crazy, Kane, you know that? Look at yourself! And you're telling me not to worry. I care about you, Kane. I can't stand to see that you've done this to yourself. Is this because of me?"

"You?"

"The note, Kane. Who was gonna know what it meant except for me?" her eyes were so sad.

Tears started falling from my eyes. "I wrote it for you, yeah…I knew you would understand."

"But…but why?" she was so desperately miserable. I winced, couldn't bear to look at her and turned away.

I kind of blurted it out, didn't really mean to say it. But it was said. "Because I can't live without her, Saph, I can't…I don't know what to do. I miss her so much…"

She made this small gasp, not out of surprise though, just because she was crying too much. "I miss her too, Kane. She was my best friend, you know that. Don't be like this…I miss her as much as you do but you can't just…give up, can you? If we help each other get through all this everything will be okay."

"But Saphrin," I said to her, still unable to look. "You have so much! You're so pretty, and you have Rave and Evan, and your career and your clowns and all that…what do I have?"

"Oh god Kane…don't ask me that…"

I wanted to wipe my eyes but it hurt too much. Instead I just closed them, trying to prevent the tears. "See? You can't even answer. I know why you haven't been talking to me, it's because you miss her as much as I do. You can't stand to talk to me because you don't want to be reminded. And neither do I…but she was all I had."

"Kane…"

"I knew you would understand," I told her again, and opened my eyes to look at her. "And I know that I'm probably making this harder on you and I'm really sorry, but…" I didn't even finish what I had to say. I couldn't. She had an iron grip on my hand as she held me. She cried for a while, I managed to hold myself together. After a while she calmed down, and pulled over the chair and sat down next to me, holding my hand in both of hers. I closed my eyes but didn't sleep, just rested. I think she thought I was sleeping. At one point she began to brush my hair. I smiled.

"So you're the one who's been doing that," I said. I must've startled her, like I said I don't think she knew I was awake, and then she just laughed.

When I opened my eyes she looked much better, not so stressed. The smile really helped. "Yeah…you knew?"

"I could feel it."

"What, when you were out?" she kept brushing my hair, running her hands through it.

"Yeah…"

She laughed a little again. "I didn't know you could feel it. That's cool…"

"I could. It made me feel better actually," I said to her.

"Oh, good," she stopped and looked down at me. "Do you feel okay now?"

"Except for the blinding pain in my arms, yeah, just duckie."

She winced. "Oh."

"What?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it. Why don't you get some sleep? You seem tired."

I narrowed my eyes. "What?" I said again. Her mouth tugged into a frown. Tears rushed her eyes again.

"You know, Kane, I can barely start to keep up with you," she said, and stood up, putting the brush down and grabbing her bag and jacket.

"Saph, wait," I begged, flexing my fingers, trying to lift my arm.

"No, I have to go," she said, and stormed off. I was left dizzy, smelling her perfume. I watched the doorway for a long time, wishing that she would reappear but she never did. The nurse just sat there, writing away. I couldn't tell what she was doing, wasn't sure that I cared, even. The only reason I observed it was because I was so damn bored.

After some time a doctor came in and started writing down vital stats, some other people came in to change the bandages on my arms. I didn't look, just kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything to any of them. They didn't speak to me, either. And some time after that, a few other people came in to talk to me. Doctors. A man and two women. I just stared, I didn't know what they wanted. They all looked at me for a moment, too, then to each other, before one of the women started to speak.

They gave me all their bullshit, told me that my condition had greatly improved and they wanted to move me to a different floor. They told me that I'd have to be there mandatory for about a week, for physical healing, but due to the nature of the injuries I'd have to stay for another few days for psychological observation and evaluation. I wanted to curse at them. Forcing me to get help. I hated it.

But I kept my mouth shut, just nodded my head and listened to them run their mouths. I was angry, didn't like their stupid policies, didn't want to stay there any longer than I had to. I hated feeling so helpless, because I was. I had no say in what they were doing, couldn't do anything about it, didn't like not having control over myself.

Also, they informed me that once I was in the other room they were going to take all the tubes and stuff out, let me have actual food. That was kind of cool, I supposed, though I didn't say anything at the time. I didn't want to give them that satisfaction. I wasn't about to do that to myself. When they were done feeding me all that crap they asked me how I was feeling, and I told them that I was in a lot of pain. They said they'd give me some drugs for it, and that's all I remember. One of the things was a sedative, so that when I woke up I was in the new room.

When I opened my eyes I noted that my arms were less bandaged, that the pain was significantly gone. I was able to sit up, crack my back. I took a step of adventure and got out of bed, too, dizzy for a moment as I walked slowly over to window, left hand holding my right arms. It stung a lot, though it wasn't such a loud pain anymore.

I pushed the curtains aside and looked out. The view was over a parking lot. In the distance I saw mountains, between there and where I stood was a town. It was dusk, everything dusted in darkness, quiet and sad. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the window. I felt like I was in prison.

"Amber…where are you?"