Chapter 62

Mark agreed to let me sign myself out of the hospital. I don't know if they would've let me on my own, they all thought I was unstoppably insane, but now if there was like a consenting seven foot tall intimidating guy standing there telling them to let me sign myself out…

They didn't even try to stop us. It was actually a little bit funny.

He was really nice about it, and we spent one night in that hotel before going to Texas to his house. He didn't make me go to therapy, just let me stay in the guest room and kick back as he took time off, helped me tend to wounds and all, bought some disposable razors to let me shave. I still don't know if he did that because it was cheap and I wasn't staying long or if he didn't trust me with real razors. Didn't matter very much, really. It was just something I noticed.

A couple days after we got there, I got a call from Saphrin.

"Kane…" she said. "I have some stuff to tell you."

For some reason this made me nervous, because she didn't seem all bubbly and dying like she usually was when she had good news. But I tried to stay relaxed, I was in one of Mark's living rooms. His house was goddamn huge, and I don't know how he did it but it was really comfy and warm for a place where only one guy lived. I leaned back in one of the arm chairs, my burned arm still not completely mobile as I held the phone in my left hand. The wounds on my left arm were mostly healed, I'd had the stitches taken out but the skin was still red where the cuts were, still very delicate. "Shoot," I told her.

I heard her sigh through the phone. "Listen…this isn't like…bad news or anything, I just don't know how to tell you or how you'll take it or anything. Cause of…what happened…"

My eyes closed. "Just tell me," my heart pounded.

"Umm…well…" she paused. Sighed again. "Kane, I'm pregnant," neither of us said anything. "I just wasn't sure how to tell you…I don't know how that makes you feel or whatever…"

I actually chuckled a little. Not because it was funny, not because I was happy. Just  because I thought it was interesting how alike we were, I think we both forgot it sometimes. She didn't have to say anything, she knew exactly how I would feel. And that made my eyes tear a little. There was an extended pause, I didn't know what to say, I was waiting for her to say something, she was probably in the same situation.

Finally she said: "Alright, well…I'm not gonna be going back to work with Raven, so I just wanted to tell you. Call me back sometime, a'ight?"

"No…Saphrin…" I groaned. "You know how I feel, right? I know you do."

"Yeah…"

"You knew I wouldn't know what to say," again she said yeah. "So umm…how far along are you?"

"Not that far…it's actually really really early," she let out a dry laugh. "I didn't even know, I hope the little kid's okay in there. Raven just had this feeling so wanted me to go see a doctor or whatever…"

We were both thinking the same thing, I knew her too well. I really lightly traced the scars on my arm with the opposite hand, cradling the phone on my shoulder. "So…it'll be born in February?"

"Yeah…" she whispered. I bit my lip, held everything back, swallowed the lump forming in my throat.

"Well ah…" I choked on the words, breathed deeply to make my voice work. "I'm really happy for you…"

"I figured you would be. I just…it was hard to tell you, you know?"

"It's okay, I understand," I told her. It was true. "Keep me updated," I added, for good measure. I did care, it was just that…I don't know. I was too upset, too depressed to want to have anything to do with it. I was happy for her, but it just made me feel so hollow. My daughter was gone, my unborn son was never gonna have a life…but this mantra was getting worn out, wasn't it? The headache rose as I tried not to get upset over it.

Another pause.

"So…how you feeling?" she asked me. I rubbed my temples.

"A lot better, actually," I admitted. "It's uhh…" my voice was catching in my throat again. "It's getting a lot…easier. Really."

"That's great," she sounded really sincere, but that she was trying not to cry. God…we were so perfect for each other. It was strange. We were the same. "Is Mark treating you okay?"

I laughed a little. "Yeah, he's been really nice…"

"How are your arms?"

"Stitches are out," I told her, and looked down at them. "The burns aren't healed but they're doing okay…"

"Oh, that's cool…" she fell quiet. We both did. It was so awkward.

"I'm sorry," I said to her finally. I closed my eyes again, still thought about that horrible dream that I'd had. "I'm really sorry that I put you through all this…I mean…there's nothing I can do about it now, everything wasn't my fault, but I should've been there for you instead of just ruining myself over it…and I just wanted you to know that I apologize."

"Don't."

"I mean it, though. Really."

"Well then I have to apologize, too. I think we both know that if I'd been nicer to you and if I'd done something about how depressed you were, none of that shit would've happened…"

"Yeah…I guess we're even then."

"Okay…well I'm gonna let you go, Kane…"

Tears. I felt like I was going to choke. "Wait…"

"Hmm?"

"Could you, uh…will you stay on the phone for a while? I need someone to talk to."

After that night we made it kind of a ritual. Instead of going to therapy, I just talked to Saphrin for an hour or two twice a week. She'd call, tell me how she was feeling, I'd tell her how my arms were doing…then we'd just…talk. In truth, it was better for me than anything else could've been, better than actual therapy, than meds, our talks had more to offer than any hospital I could ever go to…

We talked about many things. Sometimes we cried, sometimes we laughed. Usually it was both, though. We'd talk about her mom, about Amber, about politics, wrestling, Raven…it was pretty random. Then…she brought up Jake. It was the fourth week I'd been at Mark's house, he was getting ready to go back on the road and was letting me use his house. I was on my bed, in the room in Mark's house that I'd been staying in, lying down. My right arm was mostly okay, I was holding the phone with it that night. We were laughing about something, talking about when we first met and when Amber and I had asked her and Raven to watch Claudette and Jake. After laughing over it for a moment I just fell silent, asking her a question that I'd been avoiding since the hospital, that I hadn't asked anyone.

"Where's Jake?" I asked her. Her laughing came to a halt and she didn't say anything. I rubbed my eyes. "I mean…I've kind of been ignoring the thought of him since the hospital, I've been kind of afraid to ask, no one ever told me what happened to him. I remember…when I first woke up I used the word 'duckie' and you got all upset…" I sighed. "He's dead, isn't he?"

She cleared her throat. "Yeah, he's dead, Kane…I'm really sorry, I thought you knew…"

"Where is he, though?"

"Raven buried him in our backyard. Is that okay?"

I found it in myself to laugh. "Well, what would happen if it wasn't? Exhumation of the duck? I don't think so…besides, it's probably better this way. He was afraid of me when Amber wasn't around. It made me feel bad…" I let the rising pain in my chest just flow, and dissipate. "And he really liked you, I think he wouldn't mind being buried in your backyard."

"Yeah, I thought it was sweet, it was all Raven's idea, he didn't even tell me…funny, since he was so deathly afraid of the poor duckie for the longest time…"

"I know…" I brought myself to laugh a little bit. "Hey…remember that time that you like…trained Jake? And harassed Raven with it? God…that was funny…"

She started giggling. "Yeah, those were good times…man. I really miss that, we had a lot of fun on the road, you know?"

"Yes, I know," I was all sarcastic, it made me feel bad, so I tried to ignore that I'd just said that. "Fuck, Saph. I was really happy, you know? I'd never really been happy before. When we were all friends, I was really happy."

"Kane, we're still friends."

"Yeah, yeah, but like…Amber was there. And that was when I wasn't talking to Mark so we had like a little quatrain thing going on and we had a lot of a fucking fun. I miss it. I miss them, you know?"

"Me too." We both got really quiet.

"You're birthday is coming up," I pointed out, thinking about it.

"In a couple days."

I groaned. "Fuck, I completely forgot until just now. I'm sorry. You want anything? I can mail something if you want…"

Instead of answering me she brought something else up. "Kane…you remember when you used to read to Claudie? We'd be on the road and we'd all hang out in the hotel, and me, Raven, and Amber would be like watching TV or something, and you'd be over on the side of the room reading the Vampire Chronicles to Claudie. Remember?"

"Of course I remember," it made my heart sore to think about it.

"How far did you get?" she asked. I laughed.

"I got up to Merrick. Then…it was all boring and I didn't finish it. Why?"

She was biting her lip. I couldn't see her, since we were on the phone, but I knew her, and she was pausing, and I knew she was biting her lip in thought. I could see it in my head. "You don't have to do this directly for my birthday, if you wanna wait for your arms to heal a little more you can wait a few weeks…but for my birthday, Kane, can you…go read to Claudette?"

I thought my heart would stop. "Excuse me?"

"I'm serious. I just…I want you to go to the cemetery and read to her. And talk to her. And Amber. I think you should go talk to them, they need to know you still love them."

"Saphrin, I tried to kill myself because I missed them, I think they know that I love them," I said to her. I couldn't believe she was asking me. It made sense, yeah…but I wasn't ready for it. It was like when Amber wanted me to take my mask off, and I was being a wimp about it. It didn't want to have that conflict, just now I didn't want to have to go deal with all the pain of being at their graves.

"No, but…you gotta respect the dead, man. You don't know where the fuck they are, do you? I don't either, and it bothers me as much as it probably bothers you. But you need to talk to them. They can be in Shangri-La or something, or in Hell, if they even exist, you never know. They could be in your old house, they could be bound to the cemetery, they could just be completely gone…how are you gonna know? You can't! But if you go talk to them…wherever you are, I think it'll reach them…"

"Exactly, I can talk to them right now and they have a chance of hearing," I was arguing with her. I pulled the phone away from my ear for a moment and shouted "AMBER I LOVE YOU!"

When I put the phone back to my ear she sounded impatient with me, as she should've been. I was giving her a hard time, really. "Kane…" she scolded. "I'm not saying this just to be superstitious, but I think it would do you a lot of good. Have you even been there since the funeral?"

I hated her sometimes for being able to read me. "No…" I whispered.

"My point exactly. You need to heal, man! It would do you good. Look, I'll come with you if you want…but please? For me will you go? For Saphrin's birthday!?"

I laughed. She could get so childish and funny, speaking of her birthday like that. "Alright, alright…"

Her tone got more serious. "Do you need me to come?"

For a while I didn't answer, and she as patient again, giving me time. "Yeah. Would you?"

"Silly bastard, of course I would. For you? I'd do just about anything," she told me. This made me smile, made me warm.

"So when do you want to go?"

"When are you gonna be ready?"

I looked at my arms again. The cuts were healed, just sore, could probably reopen if I was straining myself, but I wasn't. The burns still hurt, but they were healing properly. I could wear sleeves over them by now, in public…I would be okay. I swallowed back the fear that was getting in my head. "You wanna go tomorrow?"

"Really?"

"Just answer before I change my mind."

"Sure, Kane!" she sounded really happy. The more I thought about Saphrin, and less about the cemetery, the easier it got on me. I held the phone on my shoulder, wrapped my arms around my stomach. I wasn't on the meds I'd been in the hospital or anything, but still…maybe because I was healing from what happened I was just confused. I was used to feeling everything so sharply that healing, not having as much of an opinion on it, felt strange to me. I was getting sad thinking about Amber, at the same time I was starting to accept the fact that she was gone. It screwed everything up.

"Well then we'll go. You wanna stay at the apartment or find a hotel?"

"We can stay at the apartment," she told me. I nodded to myself.

"Cool then, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. You wanna meet me there?" she said yeah, we arranged some times, and then we were off the phone. The room surrounded me with silence, my heart was pounding just thinking about it.

When the silence got to me too much I finally just got up and walked out into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and took out a beer. Mark appeared there a few seconds later, getting one himself and sitting down at the table with me.  We didn't talk to each other for a while, didn't even look at each other, just sat down and drank. I wasn't drinking to get drunk or anything, just felt really thirsty, one beer wasn't even going to effect me. I didn't have a high tolerance or anything like Mark did, but being seven feet tall, by default, meant that one beer wasn't going to do anything to me.

"I'm going to Indianapolis," I said after a while. "Tomorrow."

I looked up at Mark, his eyes were round, that emerald color burning into me. "Why?"

"Saphrin's birthday. She's gonna come, too, we're gonna go to the cemetery and all…"

"Can you do it? Will you be okay?" he looked really concerned for me. I watched one of his hands curl into a nervous fist on the table.

I laughed to break the tension. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Saphrin will be there, too. It'll be good."

"You're sure?" he smiled at my laughter. I nodded. "I'm heading to New York for tomorrow, you wanna ride with me? I can jack the ticket around and see if I can change at Indianapolis."

"No, you don't have to do that," I sipped the beer. "I'll be okay, really."

After staring for a moment he just laughed, so did I. Not something that was funny, not laughing at me or anything…just happiness. I felt it in myself, too, radiating through the pieces of my broken heart.