Chapter 63

Saphrin met me at the apartment, she got there after me so I was already inside and trying to clean everything up since I'd left it such a mess. At first when I got there my hands had been shaking, but after I paced around a little and opened the windows to get some fresh air I felt a lot better. I stayed mostly in the living room, watched TV for a little while…it took me a while to work up the nerve to go into the bedroom to change my clothes. The long sleeves that I'd been wearing had been irritating my arms, so I changed into a sleeveless shirt, one of the ones I used to wear when I worked out.

It was loose on me.

I made a promise to myself that I would start working out again after the wounds healed more, because this shit was really humiliating to me.

While I was in there I just looked around. The room was a mess, Amber's things were relatively untouched but everything else was a mess. I'd lived there for three months in a haze, I couldn't remember it really, other than one or two generic days that would repeat themselves. I knew that I hadn't really been alive in those times, I just kind of…existed.

The knock on the door saved me, and I rushed to open it. Saphrin came in with her bags and everything, gave me a hug and then stared at my arm for a while, not saying anything. I broke the silence by asking if she wanted to help me clean up the apartment, and she was really enthusiastic about it, cleaning everything and then making lunch with what food was still good in the house (AKA Ramen noodles and frozen Elios). It was pretty gross, which enabled us to laugh at ourselves.

After we had most of the place cleaned up she asked if I wanted to go just then, or should we give it a day or two. I told her that we might as well get it over with, so I grabbed the book from the shelf and then went in Claudette's room, finding some random small toys, ones that could fit in my hand. I put them in a bag and we left.

Saphrin's plan was that she wanted to give me time alone with them, so said she'd drop me off and then borrow the car and do some grocery shopping, then come back. I said that was fine, it was, really. I didn't care that much anyway, I was too nervous to argue with her. So we did that. I drove the car there, and she stood with me for a second in the parking lot at one end of the church, telling me that everything would be fine, that she'd be back in a little while, give or take forty minutes. I felt like I was going to vomit, I was so nervous. She got back into my car and drove off and I stayed there until I couldn't see her anymore.

I clutched the bag to my chest as I walked up into the cemetery, breathing deeply, hugging myself. I'd put on a sweatshirt once we'd left the house. It wasn't chilly or anything, being that it was June, but I felt cold. And covering my arms was like wearing a mask, to me. All those years that I'd worn a mask on my face, I'd done it because I felt better about being in public. Now my face went uncovered, by hiding my arms made it easier.

Even though I was trying to stall as I walked, I ended up at the site quicker than I'd intended. The stone was there now, I hadn't seen it, and taking one look at it made my heart hurt.

AMBER MUSICK CALLAWAY. CLAUDETTE PEARL CALLAWAY. It didn't mention Armand, and rather than an epitaph had a song lyric from that song Away by Bella Morte. I'd listened to it that night…and Amber had loved the song. I can't remember who suggested it be on the stone but I didn't object really. In letters below their names and the dates stating the span of their lives, it said: Our time lives on in a land within so our eyes my find smiles from our distant days and at night our stars burn as long as before. I just…wanted to hold her.

The stone was kind of dusty, dirt riding up the side from the ground. I don't think anyone had come to see it really. We hadn't said where she'd be buried, I doubted that any wrestling fans had come to see it, and I think Mike just wanted to focus on his job and forget that everything had happened.

She would've been thirty that year.

Instead of freaking out and sobbing, I tried to control myself, calmly sitting down on the grass, rubbing dirt off the headstone with my hand and trying to clean it up a little. I reached in the bag and took out the toys I'd brought. A little plastic toy of Simba from The Lion King, a small rubber duck, and angel with glittery wings. The angel was more décor than a toy, it had been on a shelf in her room. I felt a little nervous as I rested the toys down on the little shelf at the bottom of the stone, that the base made, beneath the line of lyrics. For some reason I felt strange leaving her things here, because part of me knew that they'd be gone next time I came…but what was I going to do with them? They were hers, I didn't have a use for them.

The tears came and went, would burn in my eyes for a  while until I made them go away. I didn't talk to them, to the grave. I couldn't bring myself to, I didn't know if it would even mean anything if I did. But finally I pulled the book out, opened to the worn little bookmark that I'd been using the whole time I'd read to Claudette. It left off on page seventy-one, and that's where I started reading, my voice cracking now and then trying not to cry.

Certain parts stick out in my memory. For one, Louis talking about daguerreotypes. "'Think of mirrors,' he said, 'to which everyone is accustomed. Think of the reflection suddenly frozen forever. That is how it was. Except the color was gone from it, utterly gone, and there lay the horror, if there was one; but you see, no one thought it was so remarkable, not while it was such a miracle.'"

In the back of my mind I was thinking of photo albums, now I felt strangely compelled to go dig up some old pictures of Amber and Claudette, even of my mother, maybe me and Mark when we were really little. I'd ask Saph if she wanted to with me when she came back.

A couple pages later I was convinced that this was some horrible act of fate that I needed to read this part, like nature deliberately gave me this part because it new how upset I would get.

He looked at me.

I stood up to receive the picture, and he placed it in my hands most carefully, as though it were about to shatter of its own accord.

I was dumbfounded. How small and innocent she seemed, this irresistible child of fair locks and chubby cheeks, of darkened Cupid's bow lips and white lace. Her eyes veritably blazed from the shadowy glass as I looked at her. And there came back that very suspicion of years ago, that I'd suffered so strongly with Merrick's pictures, that the image was gazing at me.

I must have made some small sound. I don't know. I shut the little case. I even worked the tiny gold clasp into the lock.

"Wasn't she beautiful?" he asked. "Tell me. It's past a matter of opinion, isn't it? She was beautiful. One cannot deny that simple fact."

Calmly I closed the book, having read only two pages, though I used to read ten to her at a time. But I couldn't do it anymore. The pain was rising in my chest, throbbing in my head, my arms were sore…I couldn't do it. I lowered my head, rubbed my eyes. They were gone. They were gone. I knew it, of course I did, but the realization never ceased to shock me. When I thought about it…really thought about it…it just hit me. I started to feel sick, like I would start to cry, felt incredibly cold. I started to shiver, and hugged myself. The tears came after that, soft, not sobbing or anything but just crying. I couldn't feel the pain of why I was crying anymore, it wasn't like a hammer hitting me in the head telling me that they were gone…it was like I was supposed to cry, I couldn't help it.

I wasn't paying attention to anything else, just held myself, let my arms be sore, let my hair fall all around my face as I leaned my head against the stone. Was this the only way I could be with her? Was leaving toys there the closest thing I could have to playing with my children? Sure, everything was getting easier, but still…it was so fucking hard.

"I miss you," I mumbled. Chills ran up my spine, up on my neck. I tugged at my hair, remembering how Amber would pull on the curls. I had those curls…ones where you would pull on them and they'd pop right back into place. She had loved them.

How long this went on I'm not sure, I can't say that I was looking at the clock or anything, but Saphrin's voice startled me when she finally came. I wasn't paying attention, hadn't heard her approaching or anything.

"Kane?" she called to me. I was crying silently, and stopped, then turned around to look at her. She was standing there holding flowers. I didn't know what to say to her as her eyebrows shot up in concern, as she put the flowers down and fell to her knees, wrapping me in a hug. It felt really good to be held like that, to have someone to cry on. I leaned my head on her shoulder and let myself weep. And she let me do it, not saying a thing as I carried on.

"You okay?" she asked after a while. I pulled away from her to see that she'd been crying, too.

"Yeah, as okay as I can be…" I told her. She gave me a smile, kissed me on the cheek, then grabbed the flowers. She had a bouquet of red roses, which she handed to me, and then a tray of yellow tulips. She put on a pair of gardening gloves and dug the holes with her hands, putting the bulbs in and securing the dirt around them. I squeezed the roses, holding them at my chest, leaning my head sideways so that the petals brushed against my cheek. They smelled nice, as roses smell…I started crying again.

Saphrin took off her gloves and put her hand on my shoulder, without words. There were no words, I knew. Nothing would've made me feel better just then. She gave me time, taking the bag that I'd brought the toys in and the plastic tray from the tulips and the gloves that she knew she'd never wear again and walking down the hill to a trash can, leaving me alone for a moment. I turned my head, looked over past where she was standing, looking at me, waiting, to where Lydia was buried. Amber's mother. Three generations of women from her family buried here. I couldn't get sad over it though, it was like they were together.

Finally I turned back to the grave, to the newly planted yellow tulips and the toys, to the names there that made me so fond and miserable. I sighed as I placed the roses down, not breaking my eyes away from her name.

"I love you," I said out loud. There was a tree near the grave, a huge one that left me in the shade. I looked up at it, at the broad branches and wondered if Claudette would've liked tree climbing when she was older. I pictured her climbing around up there, imagined her having fun. It made me laugh a little.

There was another grave right nearby, under the tree. The name on it said ROMAN and the rest of it was too worn down and old to be read. It was obvious that no one had visited it in a long time, it was worn and covered in leaves and bird shit. There was some person that had died a long time ago, and no one remembered, that no one cared about.

As far as I was concerned, Amber was very alive as long as I could remember her. If I didn't forget about her, and I don't know how I could've, and if I kept visiting her grave, and talking to her, and bringing her flowers…she wasn't really dead was she? She was still active in my heart, in my mind, in my life…and when I thought about it, she'd had fans from wrestling and all…right?

Even if I would never touch her, hold her, have a mutual conversation with her…even if her body was rotting in the ground the nightmare I'd had, if she didn't have pulse and I would never really see her again…she was still alive. She would always be alive to me.

I stood up and turned to Saphrin, nodded to her and started walking down the hill, then to the car. She'd gotten enough groceries for the two of us for the next few days and made a real dinner for us back at the apartment while I took a shower. It meant the world to me.

After dinner she had a short phone conversation with Raven, then handed me the phone to talk to Mark, since they were on the road together. Once that was done with we just sat in the living room, in silence, not sure what to do. Finally she said: "You wanna watch some wrestling?"

No, I don't, was what I was thinking, but I said yes. I don't know why I did, I just had a feeling it was the right thing to do, I trusted Saphrin and knew she wouldn't do that to upset me or annoy me. So I pointed to the cabinet under the television and leaned back in the couch, staring at the ceiling. It had been a rough day, but I had gotten through it. Saphrin was filling me with this energy…that I could get through anything. I loved her for that.

She picked out a tape and put it on, then sat down in the arm chair that was next to the couch, picking up a remote and hitting play.

Amber's debut.

I knew the tape when I saw it, when I saw the match right at the beginning of the show. I had watched it a lot…when she was alive. Sometimes when we were at the apartment (where we kept the wrestling tapes) I would wake up in the middle of the night and watch the tape. I don't think she ever knew. Since she'd died I hadn't looked at any of the tapes, hadn't even wanted to acknowledge them. But now…now…

It didn't bother me so much. I actually wondered why I'd never watched them.

We didn't skip around on the tape and didn't say anything, just put it on and started watching. This had been before Raven and Saph had gotten contracts, only days after I'd met Amber. Saphrin didn't say anything that wasn't expected, laughed at all the funny parts, commented on the spectacular moves. About an hour into the tape was when Mark came out, said a few things to taunt me, then I came out.

Watching the tape made me miss wrestling, watching the pyro and hearing the music and seeing the costume…I wonder what happened to it…the people at the hospital had probably thrown it out or something, had probably ruined it even before that worse than I had by cutting it here and there and everywhere to get it off of me.

Mark and I wrestled…I missed it so much. And then he hit me with a chair. I remember how much that had hurt. I knocked out on the ground, and while Mark was signaling to the crowd and being a dick, Amber jumped over the barricade and got into the ring, kneeling over me and putting her hands on my chest.

I watched this feeling kind of detached, trying to see it from an outside view, trying not to get emotional over it. She looked great, she really did. Like what Louis said, I don't think I was being biased, and I don't think it was an opinion. She was beautiful. It was a fact.

Mark got back into the ring, picked her up by the hair. It reminded me of some slasher B-movie, the look on her face, the way she started screaming. It only took me a second to get up, walking towards Mark before he shoved her down onto the mat. After fighting him for a second longer I picked Amber up and walked up the ramp.

I'd watched the tape so many times that I'd memorized the words that J.R. and King were screaming, asking who she was, how it was so strange that I was showing affection…then about thirty seconds of King ranting about "puppies". I rolled my eyes, me and Saphrin actually both laughed.

J.R. was acting like such an imbecile. I hated when he did that, even to that day when I watched the tape I hated having to hear his voice rant about me. He blew the character so out of proportion, it made me kind of angry.

Of course I ignored this, the tape was three years old and there was nothing I could do about it. Instead I sat back, watched the backstage cut after the commercial break, me throwing a fit and destroying a locker room. When all of that was over with I just looked up at Saph. She turned her head to me.

"You okay?" she asked for about the three thousandth time that day. I smiled.

"Yeah…" I looked away, looked at the TV to see Steve Austin cutting a promo, then turned back to Saphrin, trying to word it all. I was going to give her a little speech, but as soon as I met her eyes again, all I could say was: "Thanks."

She leaned over the small space between the couch and the chair to pat my shoulder. "No problem, duck."

I stood up, told her that I wanted sleep, told her that if she wanted she could sleep in my bedroom and I'd take the couch, but she insisted that I go use my bed, that she would use Claudette's if it was okay, and I told her it was fine. I went to the bedroom, laid down, listened to her watching television for a little while before going in to Claudette's room. She was listening to music, I could hear that it was Insane Clown Posse. This really sweet song called Pass Me By was playing, I'd heard it before, I liked it. It made me think of that Roman person.

Roman…the name burned my mind.

When I thought of it, I could smell flowers. I remembered that there had been a wilted lilac bush around the base of the tree, dead petals on the top of the headstone. I could smell them from Amber's grave.

I thought that was funny, kind of confusing, since they were out of season.