Chapter 5 - Looking Back
Disclaimer - Don't own The Outsiders or most of the characters in my story.
Johnny's P.O.V.
"I killed him," I said. "I killed that boy."
I can't believe what I had done. I didn't know I had it in me to use my switchblade. I don't really remember doing it. I remember being knocked to the ground and being kicked several times. I remember Ponyboy being shoved under the water in the fountain, coming up and gasping for air, and then being pushed back down again. I remember Stephi thrashing violently as she watched. The big guy holding her got fed up and cracked her head into the light pole next to him. She crumbled to the ground as he headed to the fountain to help the others. Then, I remember.nothing. Why can't I remember?
Ponyboy sat up next to me. He glanced over to where Stephi had lain on the ground. She was also starting to sit up. She had a gash on her temple and blood running down her face. Pony then glanced over to the body lying on the concrete in a pool of blood.
"I think I'm going to be sick," he said, holding tightly to his midsection.
He turned his head and threw up as I stood up to go check on Stephi. She was crying and only nodded when I asked her if she was okay. I helped her stand up and move over to the bench to sit down. The bleeding from her wound was slowing. I picked up her shirt from the ground where it had been tossed earlier, and held it up to her head.
Ponyboy slowly staggered over to us. "What happened, Steph?"
She didn't answer, so I answered for her. "She went wild when she saw you pushed under the water. The big Soc holding her slammed her head into that light pole over there."
Pony looked at me. "You really killed him, huh Johnny?" His voice wavered.
My head was spinning. I knew I had killed him. I was holding my knife and it was covered with blood. Why couldn't I remember? "I.I think so. I had to. They were gonna drown you. They were gonna hurt us all. They coulda killed us. What else could I do?" My voice was quiet. Why did I sound so calm? I wasn't calm. Panic was setting in. Oh my god, I killed him. That thought kept running through my head. I didn't even hear what Pony said next. Then I noticed him shaking and screaming.
"Oh my god! What are we going to do? Johnny?"
"Pony, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. You're scaring Stephi to death." We both looked over to her sitting on the bench. She staring at the two of us, sobs racking her body.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm sorry," he said to her, dropping on the bench at her side and hugging her. He looked back up to me. "What are we gonna do?"
The look in his eyes spooked me even more. He was putting all his trust in me to get us out of this. Shit. My eyes darted around the park. "We have to get outta here." That I knew for sure. But what else were we gonna do? We couldn't just go back home and pretend nothing happened. Those Socs were going straight to the cops and this place would be swarming with fuzz real soon. We've need somewhere to go, money, maybe a gun. Dally. As soon as his name popped into my head, I knew that was our only hope.
I told Pony and Stephi we were going to find Dally. They nodded and got up off the bench. They didn't ask any questions, and I knew they understood that he was the only person that could help us. We walked to Buck Merril's place in silence, sticking to shadows and alleys whenever we could.
The walk gave me time to think. I knew that Dally would help. Dally knew everything. He would know what to do. He was the most streetwise person I had ever met and I admired him more than anyone knew. He was a tough hood, but he looked out for his buddies unquestionably. I was sure glad that I was on the buddy side. Questions with no answers rattled around my head. Why was Stephi in the park? Why didn't Pony or I run for help? What would happen if the police found us? Where would we go if we couldn't find Dally? Thank goodness I didn't have to come up with an answer for that last one. We were standing on the front porch of Buck's place and he had just gone in to get Dally.
He came to the door with jeans and an open flannel shirt. "Okay kids, whatta ya need me for?" he asked. Then his eyes got huge. "What the.Stephi, where in the hell is your shirt?" I suddenly realized that Stephi had only her bra on. I had given her shirt back to her for her head, but we didn't have it with us now. Dally took off his flannel shirt and draped it over her shoulders. "Johnny," he said, looking me in the eye, "what the hell is going on here?"
The look he gave me almost sent shivers into me - compassion, fear, expectation, and most of all respect. I didn't know anyone else that showed me respect like Dally. It wasn't obvious, but I knew. One look from him and I spilled the whole story. At the end, Dally just grinned. Thank goodness, because I was fighting back tears. He pulled us into Buck's and back to a bedroom. He tossed Ponyboy a towel and left the room for a few minutes. We all sat down on the bed, too stunned to talk. Dally came back a few minutes later. He handed Ponyboy some rubbing alcohol and gauze.
"Here," he said, "help her clean up that cut." He took a hard look at her. "Is she going to be okay?"
"I hope so," Pony said. He turned to busy himself with Stephi, who had pulled her knees up to her chest and was slowly rocking herself.
Dally came to me and gave me a gun and fifty dollars. He had a shirt for Ponyboy and a couple of extra jackets. He had a plan. I knew he would. He told us which train to jump and where to get off - some small town called Windrixville. He sent us out the door. "Git goin." He reached out and messed my hair, and in a voice only I could hear, said, "Take care, kid."
After a long, lonely ride on the empty rail care, the three of us jumped off into the wet grass just outside of Windrixville. My legs had fallen asleep because Pony had slept on them. I was rubbing and rubbing, but the pins and needles feeling wouldn't go away. I convinced Ponyboy that he should be the one to go ask directions to the church. I couldn't walk yet, and neither of us wanted to send Stephi off. She hadn't looked either of us in the eyes and hadn't said a single word since we left the park.
Pony came back with the directions to the abandoned church Dally has told us about. It wasn't too far from where we were. I was glad. I was tired. Stephi and I neither one slept on the train. We sat in silence the whole bumpy ride, her head on my shoulder and my arm holding her tightly. I had wanted to talk to her so badly, but couldn't find the right words.
We got to the church after about 45 minutes. It was kind of creepy, but I didn't care at that point. The hill we had to climb to get up there was steep, and we had to help Steph along the way. We all slipped and stumbled on the way up. I stretched out onto the floor and was asleep before my head hit the concrete.
Ponyboy's P.O.V.
I was drifting in and out of sleep, unaware of where I was. I was sure I was home in bed and that Soda and Stephi were sure to be waking me up any minute now. I rolled over on to my side, and suddenly remembered where I was. The concrete floor was a harsh reminder that I was in a small, eerie church in a town far from my brothers and my nice warm bed.
I pushed up off the floor, rubbing my eyes. The silence was disturbing. I saw Stephi sitting there, watching me. She gave a small wave. I waved back. I looked around the church and suddenly realized that Johnny wasn't there.
"Stephi, where's Johnny"? I asked.
"He went to the store to get some supplies." It was the first time I had heard Stephi speak since we were at the park the night before.
I walked over and sat down beside her. She didn't look good. I could tell that she hadn't slept at all. "How ya doin' Steph?"
"I'm okay."
"Are you sure? You look awfully tired."
She didn't say anything, just pulled her knees into her body a little tighter and looked down at her feet. "Did you get any sleep," I asked.
"I couldn't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see them."
"They're gone. They won't get us here."
She glanced up at me. "I know," she said, looking back down to her feet.
I sighed and gave her shoulders a squeeze. I went to the pump out back to get a drink, and heard someone coming. I jumped back into the doorway of the church, my imagination running away and thinking that it was the cops to arrest Steph and me and take us away. Only after the long, low whistle used by our gang and Shepard's, did I realize that it was only Johnny.
He came in with two sacks of food and supplies that I readily helped him unpack. I only slowed down when I came to the peroxide. "Johnny, you ain't thinking of."
He cut me off and pulled out his knife. He really was planning on cutting our hair and bleaching mine. Stephi's hand flew to her hair. "Oh no! Johnny, not my hair."
I backed her up on that one. My hair was my pride and joy - something I could have that no Soc could take away. I was a greaser, and my hair showed that. I really liked my hair.
Johnny pleaded with us. "It'll grow back."
Stephi stepped forward. "Okay," she said reluctantly. "If I have to, I will do it, but do it now before I change my mind."
"Thanks, Stehpi," Johnny said, relief in his voice. "You know I don't really want to do the. We have to."
"I know. Just do it." She sat down on one of the few pews that were left standing. Johnny quickly cut Steph's hair just above her shoulders. She winced, but did not say a word.
We found an old, cracked mirror in a closet. Johnny asked, "Do you wanna see?"
"Not right now." She sat down in the corner of the church, hugging her knees to her chest and watching us.
Johnny turned to me. "Pony." he pleaded.
"Fine. Get it over with." I had to let him do it after Stephi had agreed. There was no point in arguing. I wasn't happy about it, though. We put the bleach in and I sat in the sun for 15 minutes. I did a double take when I looked in the mirror. That wasn't me. I cut Johnny's hair and he washed the grease out. We all looked weird, not like ourselves at all. It was going to take some getting used to.
Johnny and I sat on the back steps of the church. I kept on complaining about my ruined hair, and broke into tears when Johnny told me that we were in big trouble and that it was our looks or us. That really hit me hard. He looked at me, shocked that cutting my hair would set me off into tears. He apologized.
"It ain't that," I said. I was upset about my hair, but that wasn't near all of it. I was spooked, and didn't know what was going to happen to us. I looked into the church. Stephi was still sitting in the corner, but was no longer watching us. She was staring blankly towards the front of the church. "I'm just mixed up. I don't want Stephi to see me like this. She's mighty scared, and I'm worried about her. She's in shock and that cut on her head is still bleeding a little. I don't know what to do for her."
"Me either. She's being brave, but it's just a front," Johnny added.
"I'm just so scared, Johnny."
"I know." He went prattled on - something about Two-Bit swiping stuff from the country store the supplies came from. Boy, was I homesick, and this wasn't helping.
I started in about Two-Bit - memories from the night before - when Johnny abruptly jumped to his feet, yelling at me to stop talking about last night.
"Shut up. I killed a kid last night." He was crying by then. "I didn't mean to, but they were hurting Stephi, maybe even gonna rape her. They were drownin' you. What else could I do? I was scared, man."
He was pacing and I was crying. Stephi was still staring blankly. Thank goodness she hadn't noticed. We were just gonna scare her even more. Johnny dropped down beside me, apologizing for his remarks about bringing along a kid. I leaned into his shoulder and cried myself to sleep.
I woke up late that night. Johnny was sleeping, sitting up with me having been asleep on his shoulder. I moved off him gently, so as not to wake him up. I walked over to the corner where Stephi was. She was still sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, and she had her head down on her knees. "Steph, are you awake?"
Without lifting her head, I heard a soft, "Yeah."
"Why don't you lay down and go to sleep?"
"I can't," she answered.
"You need to sleep. You've been up for about two days and you have a nasty cut on your head. You.we've all been through a lot, but you need to get some rest."
She finally lifted her head. Her face was streaked with tears. "I can't. I just." she broke down. Her whole body was trembling. I wrapped my arms around her. "Every time I close my eyes I see them. I hear them, the things they said they were gonna do to me.I can't Pony. I don't wanna sleep, not now. Okay?"
"Sure, honey, sure." I gave her a tight hug and curled up beside her and fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and saw that Johnny was already awake. Stephi had moved to the doorway, and was watching the sunrise over the countryside. Johnny was playing solitaire in the back of the church. I stretched, yawned, and walked over to him.
"Pony?" he asked.
"Yeah?"
He nodded towards Stephi. "Did she sleep at all last night?"
"I don't think so," I answered. "She said she can't - she sees and hears those Socs when she closes her eyes.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. "Johnny?"
"Yeah?" he said quietly?
"We ain't gonna cry no more, are we?"
He agreed and we both relaxed a little. We were stuck, but we knew we could handle whatever came our way. We had handled things so far, and we would get by.
A/N - Thanks for reading! And special thanks to my reviewers (along with a few slicks from my puppy - he likes it when I'm happy):
Two-BitGortez - Thanks for the wonderful review. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Pony's Girl - Yeah, unfortunately for Johnny, things are not going to go his way. Thanks for reviewing.
Anja - Sorry, but there's not good news for Johnny. I'm glad you're liking him and Stephi, though. It's weird giving him a bit of a love interest - it's not like him.
Jessie C. - Thanks for finding my story and reviewing. I love hearing from readers.
SkiMing Bitch - Thanks goodness I don't know anyone who was ever really in that situation either, but I'm with you - it would be horrible. The effects are not going to be seen immediately, because there is so much else on everyone's mind right now. The effects are pretty subtle now compared to later - hang on. And thanks - I liked that ending too - it was a great place to stop.
Disclaimer - Don't own The Outsiders or most of the characters in my story.
Johnny's P.O.V.
"I killed him," I said. "I killed that boy."
I can't believe what I had done. I didn't know I had it in me to use my switchblade. I don't really remember doing it. I remember being knocked to the ground and being kicked several times. I remember Ponyboy being shoved under the water in the fountain, coming up and gasping for air, and then being pushed back down again. I remember Stephi thrashing violently as she watched. The big guy holding her got fed up and cracked her head into the light pole next to him. She crumbled to the ground as he headed to the fountain to help the others. Then, I remember.nothing. Why can't I remember?
Ponyboy sat up next to me. He glanced over to where Stephi had lain on the ground. She was also starting to sit up. She had a gash on her temple and blood running down her face. Pony then glanced over to the body lying on the concrete in a pool of blood.
"I think I'm going to be sick," he said, holding tightly to his midsection.
He turned his head and threw up as I stood up to go check on Stephi. She was crying and only nodded when I asked her if she was okay. I helped her stand up and move over to the bench to sit down. The bleeding from her wound was slowing. I picked up her shirt from the ground where it had been tossed earlier, and held it up to her head.
Ponyboy slowly staggered over to us. "What happened, Steph?"
She didn't answer, so I answered for her. "She went wild when she saw you pushed under the water. The big Soc holding her slammed her head into that light pole over there."
Pony looked at me. "You really killed him, huh Johnny?" His voice wavered.
My head was spinning. I knew I had killed him. I was holding my knife and it was covered with blood. Why couldn't I remember? "I.I think so. I had to. They were gonna drown you. They were gonna hurt us all. They coulda killed us. What else could I do?" My voice was quiet. Why did I sound so calm? I wasn't calm. Panic was setting in. Oh my god, I killed him. That thought kept running through my head. I didn't even hear what Pony said next. Then I noticed him shaking and screaming.
"Oh my god! What are we going to do? Johnny?"
"Pony, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. You're scaring Stephi to death." We both looked over to her sitting on the bench. She staring at the two of us, sobs racking her body.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm sorry," he said to her, dropping on the bench at her side and hugging her. He looked back up to me. "What are we gonna do?"
The look in his eyes spooked me even more. He was putting all his trust in me to get us out of this. Shit. My eyes darted around the park. "We have to get outta here." That I knew for sure. But what else were we gonna do? We couldn't just go back home and pretend nothing happened. Those Socs were going straight to the cops and this place would be swarming with fuzz real soon. We've need somewhere to go, money, maybe a gun. Dally. As soon as his name popped into my head, I knew that was our only hope.
I told Pony and Stephi we were going to find Dally. They nodded and got up off the bench. They didn't ask any questions, and I knew they understood that he was the only person that could help us. We walked to Buck Merril's place in silence, sticking to shadows and alleys whenever we could.
The walk gave me time to think. I knew that Dally would help. Dally knew everything. He would know what to do. He was the most streetwise person I had ever met and I admired him more than anyone knew. He was a tough hood, but he looked out for his buddies unquestionably. I was sure glad that I was on the buddy side. Questions with no answers rattled around my head. Why was Stephi in the park? Why didn't Pony or I run for help? What would happen if the police found us? Where would we go if we couldn't find Dally? Thank goodness I didn't have to come up with an answer for that last one. We were standing on the front porch of Buck's place and he had just gone in to get Dally.
He came to the door with jeans and an open flannel shirt. "Okay kids, whatta ya need me for?" he asked. Then his eyes got huge. "What the.Stephi, where in the hell is your shirt?" I suddenly realized that Stephi had only her bra on. I had given her shirt back to her for her head, but we didn't have it with us now. Dally took off his flannel shirt and draped it over her shoulders. "Johnny," he said, looking me in the eye, "what the hell is going on here?"
The look he gave me almost sent shivers into me - compassion, fear, expectation, and most of all respect. I didn't know anyone else that showed me respect like Dally. It wasn't obvious, but I knew. One look from him and I spilled the whole story. At the end, Dally just grinned. Thank goodness, because I was fighting back tears. He pulled us into Buck's and back to a bedroom. He tossed Ponyboy a towel and left the room for a few minutes. We all sat down on the bed, too stunned to talk. Dally came back a few minutes later. He handed Ponyboy some rubbing alcohol and gauze.
"Here," he said, "help her clean up that cut." He took a hard look at her. "Is she going to be okay?"
"I hope so," Pony said. He turned to busy himself with Stephi, who had pulled her knees up to her chest and was slowly rocking herself.
Dally came to me and gave me a gun and fifty dollars. He had a shirt for Ponyboy and a couple of extra jackets. He had a plan. I knew he would. He told us which train to jump and where to get off - some small town called Windrixville. He sent us out the door. "Git goin." He reached out and messed my hair, and in a voice only I could hear, said, "Take care, kid."
After a long, lonely ride on the empty rail care, the three of us jumped off into the wet grass just outside of Windrixville. My legs had fallen asleep because Pony had slept on them. I was rubbing and rubbing, but the pins and needles feeling wouldn't go away. I convinced Ponyboy that he should be the one to go ask directions to the church. I couldn't walk yet, and neither of us wanted to send Stephi off. She hadn't looked either of us in the eyes and hadn't said a single word since we left the park.
Pony came back with the directions to the abandoned church Dally has told us about. It wasn't too far from where we were. I was glad. I was tired. Stephi and I neither one slept on the train. We sat in silence the whole bumpy ride, her head on my shoulder and my arm holding her tightly. I had wanted to talk to her so badly, but couldn't find the right words.
We got to the church after about 45 minutes. It was kind of creepy, but I didn't care at that point. The hill we had to climb to get up there was steep, and we had to help Steph along the way. We all slipped and stumbled on the way up. I stretched out onto the floor and was asleep before my head hit the concrete.
Ponyboy's P.O.V.
I was drifting in and out of sleep, unaware of where I was. I was sure I was home in bed and that Soda and Stephi were sure to be waking me up any minute now. I rolled over on to my side, and suddenly remembered where I was. The concrete floor was a harsh reminder that I was in a small, eerie church in a town far from my brothers and my nice warm bed.
I pushed up off the floor, rubbing my eyes. The silence was disturbing. I saw Stephi sitting there, watching me. She gave a small wave. I waved back. I looked around the church and suddenly realized that Johnny wasn't there.
"Stephi, where's Johnny"? I asked.
"He went to the store to get some supplies." It was the first time I had heard Stephi speak since we were at the park the night before.
I walked over and sat down beside her. She didn't look good. I could tell that she hadn't slept at all. "How ya doin' Steph?"
"I'm okay."
"Are you sure? You look awfully tired."
She didn't say anything, just pulled her knees into her body a little tighter and looked down at her feet. "Did you get any sleep," I asked.
"I couldn't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see them."
"They're gone. They won't get us here."
She glanced up at me. "I know," she said, looking back down to her feet.
I sighed and gave her shoulders a squeeze. I went to the pump out back to get a drink, and heard someone coming. I jumped back into the doorway of the church, my imagination running away and thinking that it was the cops to arrest Steph and me and take us away. Only after the long, low whistle used by our gang and Shepard's, did I realize that it was only Johnny.
He came in with two sacks of food and supplies that I readily helped him unpack. I only slowed down when I came to the peroxide. "Johnny, you ain't thinking of."
He cut me off and pulled out his knife. He really was planning on cutting our hair and bleaching mine. Stephi's hand flew to her hair. "Oh no! Johnny, not my hair."
I backed her up on that one. My hair was my pride and joy - something I could have that no Soc could take away. I was a greaser, and my hair showed that. I really liked my hair.
Johnny pleaded with us. "It'll grow back."
Stephi stepped forward. "Okay," she said reluctantly. "If I have to, I will do it, but do it now before I change my mind."
"Thanks, Stehpi," Johnny said, relief in his voice. "You know I don't really want to do the. We have to."
"I know. Just do it." She sat down on one of the few pews that were left standing. Johnny quickly cut Steph's hair just above her shoulders. She winced, but did not say a word.
We found an old, cracked mirror in a closet. Johnny asked, "Do you wanna see?"
"Not right now." She sat down in the corner of the church, hugging her knees to her chest and watching us.
Johnny turned to me. "Pony." he pleaded.
"Fine. Get it over with." I had to let him do it after Stephi had agreed. There was no point in arguing. I wasn't happy about it, though. We put the bleach in and I sat in the sun for 15 minutes. I did a double take when I looked in the mirror. That wasn't me. I cut Johnny's hair and he washed the grease out. We all looked weird, not like ourselves at all. It was going to take some getting used to.
Johnny and I sat on the back steps of the church. I kept on complaining about my ruined hair, and broke into tears when Johnny told me that we were in big trouble and that it was our looks or us. That really hit me hard. He looked at me, shocked that cutting my hair would set me off into tears. He apologized.
"It ain't that," I said. I was upset about my hair, but that wasn't near all of it. I was spooked, and didn't know what was going to happen to us. I looked into the church. Stephi was still sitting in the corner, but was no longer watching us. She was staring blankly towards the front of the church. "I'm just mixed up. I don't want Stephi to see me like this. She's mighty scared, and I'm worried about her. She's in shock and that cut on her head is still bleeding a little. I don't know what to do for her."
"Me either. She's being brave, but it's just a front," Johnny added.
"I'm just so scared, Johnny."
"I know." He went prattled on - something about Two-Bit swiping stuff from the country store the supplies came from. Boy, was I homesick, and this wasn't helping.
I started in about Two-Bit - memories from the night before - when Johnny abruptly jumped to his feet, yelling at me to stop talking about last night.
"Shut up. I killed a kid last night." He was crying by then. "I didn't mean to, but they were hurting Stephi, maybe even gonna rape her. They were drownin' you. What else could I do? I was scared, man."
He was pacing and I was crying. Stephi was still staring blankly. Thank goodness she hadn't noticed. We were just gonna scare her even more. Johnny dropped down beside me, apologizing for his remarks about bringing along a kid. I leaned into his shoulder and cried myself to sleep.
I woke up late that night. Johnny was sleeping, sitting up with me having been asleep on his shoulder. I moved off him gently, so as not to wake him up. I walked over to the corner where Stephi was. She was still sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, and she had her head down on her knees. "Steph, are you awake?"
Without lifting her head, I heard a soft, "Yeah."
"Why don't you lay down and go to sleep?"
"I can't," she answered.
"You need to sleep. You've been up for about two days and you have a nasty cut on your head. You.we've all been through a lot, but you need to get some rest."
She finally lifted her head. Her face was streaked with tears. "I can't. I just." she broke down. Her whole body was trembling. I wrapped my arms around her. "Every time I close my eyes I see them. I hear them, the things they said they were gonna do to me.I can't Pony. I don't wanna sleep, not now. Okay?"
"Sure, honey, sure." I gave her a tight hug and curled up beside her and fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and saw that Johnny was already awake. Stephi had moved to the doorway, and was watching the sunrise over the countryside. Johnny was playing solitaire in the back of the church. I stretched, yawned, and walked over to him.
"Pony?" he asked.
"Yeah?"
He nodded towards Stephi. "Did she sleep at all last night?"
"I don't think so," I answered. "She said she can't - she sees and hears those Socs when she closes her eyes.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. "Johnny?"
"Yeah?" he said quietly?
"We ain't gonna cry no more, are we?"
He agreed and we both relaxed a little. We were stuck, but we knew we could handle whatever came our way. We had handled things so far, and we would get by.
A/N - Thanks for reading! And special thanks to my reviewers (along with a few slicks from my puppy - he likes it when I'm happy):
Two-BitGortez - Thanks for the wonderful review. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Pony's Girl - Yeah, unfortunately for Johnny, things are not going to go his way. Thanks for reviewing.
Anja - Sorry, but there's not good news for Johnny. I'm glad you're liking him and Stephi, though. It's weird giving him a bit of a love interest - it's not like him.
Jessie C. - Thanks for finding my story and reviewing. I love hearing from readers.
SkiMing Bitch - Thanks goodness I don't know anyone who was ever really in that situation either, but I'm with you - it would be horrible. The effects are not going to be seen immediately, because there is so much else on everyone's mind right now. The effects are pretty subtle now compared to later - hang on. And thanks - I liked that ending too - it was a great place to stop.