Chapter 67

The redebut was the Raw after Halloween. It was…really fun. I didn't admit it at the time but I had a really good time. And it felt incredible to be there again.

Everyone backstage was really nice about it, and they didn't crowd me, which I appreciated. See…the week before, on the Halloween show (even though it wasn't actually on Halloween), Mark came out dressed as me. He'd done it before, that time with the Ministry and everything…this was different though, for the Halloween show. It was a teaser, he came out dressed like me, with the mask, with his hair curled…the works. And the crowd freaked out. And just because of the impact it made, there were all kinds of rumors all over the internet.

So then I came out, everyone in the crowd wasn't that excited, just like "Oh, great, it's Taker again…"

I was wearing the costume with two sleeves, the one that Mark would wear to cover up his tattoos…I was considering wearing it from then on just because I was kind of self conscious that both my arms were scarred then, not just my one hand. It made me angry at myself. That night I wore it just to trick everyone, I hadn't made my mind up yet. I liked having one sleeve better, though.

As I was pacing the ring, Mark's music came on. I turned to look up at the 'Tron, to the entranceway…I knew when Mark had jumped the barricade behind me just from the reaction. There was an insane pop. I guess the fans liked me, or maybe it was just the shock that I'd made a big return. Whatever it was, the crowd went nuts as they saw both of us in the ring, as Mark came up from behind to attack me, as the lights came back on from the purple teaser entrance lights. We wrestled for a few minutes, I came out on top, chokeslammed him, stood over his body.

For the first time in all those months I stood over him, clenched the muscles in my arms, slowly raised them. God, I hadn't realized how much I'd missed wrestling until I brought my arms down, shaken by how loud the explosion was, how bright, how it drove the fans crazy. It made me feel powerful doing that. It made me notice that in pining for Amber I'd forgotten about the one other thing I loved.

Backstage everyone clapped for me, and I shared a hug with Raven which was perhaps a little too long. I had missed him, really. And before the show was over he and Mark brought me out to dinner, then to the hotel. We hung out, like old times, except…without our women. And children. And pets. So okay, it was almost like old times. Close enough.

They both knew that this was some heavy stuff I was going through, that this was just another huge step that I was taking, and they were both really supportive of me. We split a case of beer back at the hotel and watched some movies that were on one of the cable channels, just tried to relax. We watched Dracula from 1931, with Bela Lugosi and Dwight Frye, which Mark and I used to watch all the time before the fire. Also some girly Audrey Hepburn movie called Sabrina, that we watched only because it was on. It was cute, I guess, as most of her movies were. When it was over, Raven left, Mark stayed because we were sharing a room. After Raven was gone he changed into pajama pants and a t-shirt, I did the same. We both sat down on our respective beds but didn't lay down, just sated at each other.

I thought of that time in the hospital, that stupid stupid fight we'd gotten in. I'd been so angry…I'd just let it go because he was all I had. And right then he was all I had, alone in the room with me. I ignored me anger towards him just because…because…I needed him. We'd fought before, we'd gone on those periods of silence…I never enjoyed them. And I didn't want to go through that again, especially not after all the shit that had happened. Looking at him then made my body ache, feel the effects of that day, wearing me out in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time.

"So, uhh…" Mark averted his eyes nervously and tied back his hair. "Have fun?"

"Yeah, it feels really great, you know?"

"Yeah."

"The crowd really enjoyed it, I think. That makes it better."

"Yeah."

I groaned. "You know talking to you is like talking to a fucking wall sometimes, you know?" he started to say something but I pointed at him and cut him off. "Don't say 'yeah'!"

Mark laughed and looked back up at me. I was slammed with the urge to cry when I met his eyes. I don't know what it was about him, but it just made me want to cry. I think it was just this overwhelming fear that I felt just being there, looking at him. He was all I really had left. I mean, sure, Raven and Saph were around…but Mark was my brother. It frightened me to think that he wouldn't be around. The only reason I thought of it was because…I don't know why. Because I was upset, because I was thinking about the stupid argument, because…it was just really stressful, all of it, I guess.

"You okay?" he asked me after a moment. I guess he sensed my fear. I played with my hair a little, it was dry and all fucking poofy and annoying. Everywhere. God I hated when it swelled out like that. My hands started fidgeting, against my will, and I looked away from him.

I sighed. "I don't know, Mark…" I admitted. I didn't look but I heard him stand up and take a couple steps across the room, felt the bed shift down under his weight when he sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. My body felt like water, weak as I fell against him, leaning my head against him. "I'm just…scared."

"I know."

"Yeah I guess I don't need to tell you, huh?"

He shrugged. "You can if it makes you feel better…"

The tears were rising. I bit my lip as I shifted, somehow ended up with my head in his lap, on my back, looking up at him. "Mark…"

"What is it, Kane?"

"I'm…" I started to cry. "I'm just…scared." I started to shake, curled up. He held my hand, pushed my hair away from my face, rubbed my shoulder. So this is how things work, right? You think you're recovering from something…you don't cry, you feel fine…then it all comes back at once. That was why I'd been mostly fine for the past few weeks…just then though I was just crying. Mark didn't seem to mind, though.

"Kane, I'm not going to leave you," he told me. "I'm not lying to you, and you know it."  I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to hold back from screaming out in anguish. He spoke softly to me, repeating the same words, trying to comfort me as I sat there sobbing. After a while I pulled away from him, slid over a couple feet from him, rubbed my eyes. I just stared.

"But Mark…" my lip was quivering. I felt so weak. "You knew that it was going to happen. You knew and you never told me…"

He started to answer me and again I cut him off. "Why couldn't you have just told me? I would've done something about it, I could've stopped it from happening…and now she's gone…"

"Kane, even if you'd known it would've happened anyway. It was what was meant to be, you can't just changed it. And what would've you have done if you'd know that it was gonna happen but couldn't do anything? You'd be crazier than you are now…"

"I know, but…" I couldn't stop shaking, pressed my palms against my eyes and tried to stop crying. "Mark I trusted you…"

He didn't say anything. I moved my hands away to look at him, he looked sad. I couldn't fucking stop shaking, it was almost violent. It made me feel vulnerable, not being able to control myself, even when I wasn't sobbing and just shaking, I just…couldn't grab a hold of myself, and Mark was just staring.

"I love you," I blurted out, and a fresh wave of tears came on. I cried silently, not sobbing. "Mark I just…oh fuck. Just please don't…please don't get mad at me. I can't take it…" I don't know why I was freaking out so much, like an anxiety attack or something. I just…I couldn't help it. All at once I was just thinking about it, staring at him, watching him watching me, watching him witness my downfall. All I saw was pity in his eyes, maybe regret, definitely pain. We'd been through so much, it was torture for either of us to bring up all this shit.

"Calm down," he said to me, and put his hand on my knee. All I could see in my head was Amber's body sprawled on the kitchen floor, the blood everywhere. It was haunting me, making me feel cold. She left me. She left me after I'd stupidly convinced myself that all the shit in my life was going to stop, that it was all going to be good for a while. I couldn't…I didn't know what to do. I felt like she'd lied to me, felt paralyzed, couldn't do anything but stare at Mark, afraid that he would leave me to. I loved him so much, he was my brother, he was the only friend I had left, Amber had told me that hse would never leave me, either…I didn't know who to believe.

I reached out one of my hands to rest on top of his, shaking so much that it actually hurt my arm. "M-Mark…" I stuttered. He moved over and sat next to me, put his hands on my shoulder. "Please…" my eyes stung, hurt really. I was trying to look at him straight on like how he was looking at me but it was hard to. It was easier when the tears made him look blurry.

Blood. I wanted Amber back. That's all I've ever really wanted, you know.

What were greens and red were starting to mix in my vision, emerald and blood. God…I was just scared all of a sudden, that was what made me freak out like that. I was just scared. I needed Mark, I needed to know that I could trust him, I needed to know that he wouldn't leave me like she did. It was strange how that desperation had just suddenly…hit me the way it did. Just out of nowhere. One second teasing Mark, the next sobbing. Jesus Christ. What a mess I was. Mark slid closer to me again, held me again, hugged me. I leaned my forehead on his shoulder, closing my eyes, trying to feel comforted by the way he rubbed my back as I wrapped my arms around his waist. Wonderful that I didn't have to struggle wording any of these feelings, that he kind of just…knew.

"Don't be so scared, Kane," he said to me. He was so gentle, his voice was so soothing. I slowly lifted my head to look at him, letting the tears leave my eyes, clear my view. All I saw was green. And then…

He kissed me.

He fucking kissed me.

I was taken by surprise, as you can guess. I didn't really know what to do, why should I have known? Most people wouldn't have had a fucking clue, anyway. But you know what was strange? It made me feel better. So I kissed him back. I had never kissed a man before, either. It was strange. Yet…so comforting. He wrapped his arms around me, eased me down onto the bed, kept kissing me until I'd stopped shaking.

It was so wrong. He was my brother. While I knew that in my head, and was kind of disgusted, I couldn't make it feel wrong. Don't take it the wrong way- it didn't turn me on or anything, and I could tell it didn't turn him on, either. But just…I don't know. It made me stop shaking, that was all that mattered.

I think I may have moaned against his mouth, against out goatees pressing against each other, against him on top of me, right as he pulled away, when I realized that I'd closed my eyes, when I opened them. He looked kind of drunk, and sad. I couldn't say anything, even felt empty when he pulled away. Neither of us said anything. For a moment he just stayed there on top of me until just kissing me on the forehead, then reaching over to turn the light off, then rolling over and sleeping beside me in bed.

Nothing like that ever happened again. I didn't really want it to or anything, but just for the record- it's not like we started just making out left and right all the time. Just that once. And it worked, whatever he was trying to pull off, because I felt safe with him, and I stopped being paranoid that he was going to leave me, and I relaxed a little.

Traveling just felt like I'd picked up when I left off, I got back into the groove of it after only a few days, got used to the sleeping cycles and everything. I felt safe with Mark, when we were at the arena I stuck by his side, I tried to keep it so that we were sharing hotel rooms and all. Sometimes here and there he would have a girl up in the room, so I'd go hang out with Raven until they were done. I trusted Raven, too, don't get me wrong, but Mark was just more important to me. I didn't want to be far away from him.

My second shot at wrestling didn't last that long, honestly.

When I first came back, for the first couple weeks everything was going great, I was happy that I was wrestling again, I was having a lot of fun, I was feuding Mark so didn't really have to wrestle anyone except him. But then…once I got into the swing of everything again, when I got used to being on the road and used to rushing to airports and eating meals in the car…I don't know. I couldn't make it feel right anyone.

In the beginning it had been that way and I was miserable, as miserable as I had been the second time. What separated was my innocence at the time. I was destined to be lonely and I knew it, as long as nothing fucked around with that I would be fun. But guess what? Something fucked around with it. I met Amber and fell in love with her, had something with her… If I just hadn't known what that felt like, this loneliness would never bother me the way it does now. And then, too.

My name- The Big Red Machine. I was turning into a machine, really, some stolid monster that couldn't feel anything anymore. I just had to block it all out, fall into the system, let the inertia keep me sustained, let Mark keep me safe.

I had too much of a heart to keep it up though.

Vince came to me some time in December. He told me that he noticed that my performance was declining, asked if everything was okay. I told him I was sorry for fucking up a little and told him that everything would be okay, which was my rushed and nervous lie. As soon as we were done talking I rushed to find Mark, he was getting ready in the locker room, putting on his eyeliner. Raven wasn't around, was probably off eating or on the phone with Saph. What else would he do with himself? I closed the bathroom door with me and Mark in there, he must've seen the panic on my face instantly.

"What's wrong?" he asked me.

"I…I don't know if I can do this anymore," I told him.

"Do what?"

My hands made a clumsy gesture to show the room. "This. All of this. Wrestling. I just…I don't know if I can do it anymore." I ran my hands through my hair, stood there nervously, waiting for him to give me some piece of advice that I knew he could help me with.

Instead he just stared. "Kane…Kane don't be silly."

"Silly?" I felt like I was falling. "Mark, I'm not being silly. I just…I don't know if I can do this. I…I…"

He put his things down on the sink counter and put his hands on my shoulder. "Kane you're just getting anxious. Calm down. Breathe…" he tilted his head back and looked down at me a little, giving me a second. I did what he said, took in a deep breath, tried to calm myself down. I could feel the panic attack coming up, rising in my chest. I'd been getting them now and then, this was my gift instead of crying. He gave me a moment. "Kane listen. You're just upset. You miss Amber, I know you miss Amber. And Christmas is coming up and you're gonna miss her even more but you're just overreacting to think that you don't  want to wrestle anymore, you're just being weird. Just think about it."

Fuck. I hadn't even thought about Christmas or considered it at all. Well now that he mentioned it… "Mark…I can't. I can't do it anymore, it's not the same…I…" the tears swelled and shrunk in my eyes but didn't fall. "I just want to go home." I said the word with such a tenderness.

Mark narrowed his eyes, trying to tell what I was thinking, if I was serious or not. "I know you want me to give you advice," he said. I nodded, childishly. "Here's what you can do about this. You can see if you can get the night off, go back to the hotel, relax a little. And then just think about all of this. Think about if you really want to go back to being alone all the time or if you want to stay on the road. Think about the fans, think about Vince, think about me. I think you should get over this, and I think Amber would want you to stay around to. It would kill her all over again if she saw how miserable you were…" he paused. "But anyway. Just…look in the mirror, ask yourself if you really want to quit. Try to find in yourself that love for wrestling and decide if you really want to part with it…"

He patted me on the shoulder again, I almost collapsed. "Thanks," I said, nearly inaudible.

I got back to the hotel within maybe ten minutes, flopping onto one of the beds, staring up at the ceiling. There was a clock on the wall, the second hand ticking. I focused in on that, found myself lost in it, swimming somewhere in my head or in my heart, misplaced. I felt kind of stupid for wanting to quit, only when I'd just redebuted. And I knew that Mark was probably right saying that Amber would've been upset for me quitting again…but…

She wasn't around. She wasn't there for me. I had no reason to stick around for her when she couldn't have done it for me.

After a while I looked up at the clock, seeing that a couple of hours had passed, that Mark would be in any second. The mirror on the other side of the room laughed at me. My heart pounded as I stood up, walked over to it. I was wearing a t-shirt, looking at the scars from the cuts on my left arm, then moving to see the creased and ugly burn scars on the right. I avoided my face for a few minutes, examining my arms, my eyes slowly lifting to my biceps stretching the shirt sleeves, to my shoulders which always seemed crooked in posture, to my neck…to my face…

It hadn't changed all these years. It had never gotten better or worse. Maybe the only thing that wouldn't leave me now, these scars, my only friend was those imperfections. I saw my eyebrows come together as I fixed on my own eyes, the blind one, the one that was just pale blue, the other one, dark gray-blue, sometimes almost brown. Sometimes green. Kind of absorbing colours all the time.

The part of me that loved wrestling just wanted to stay. The scared side of me just wanted to run away. I didn't know what to do as I stared at myself.

I leaned down against the dresser, my face mere inches from the reflective glass. I searched deep in myself for some expression, some beam of light, some spark, anything that would make me want to stay. I tried to see the Kane that the fans saw, the monster, the powerful demon monster heel that wouldn't be stopped.

In those shattered irises I tried to see the reflection of a big red machine, the thing I wanted to be.

But all that was seen was my big red broken heart.

Yeah. It was time to call it quits again. This time I wasn't coming back.