Chapter 3
----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
"Damn," Tanker sighed to himself, taking another swig of the tankard of ale he found in front of him on the heavy wooden table he was seated at, and wondering not for the first time why on earth he was garbed in a heavy suit of armour. "Where is everybody? Hell, come to think of it, where is ME?"
"That would be 'where am I,' Ed," a remarkably pretty blonde girl in a loose, ruffled white blouse and a full blue velvet skirt just the colour of her eyes giggled as she dropped into the chair next to him.
Tanker stared incredulously at her.
"Jennifer?" he croaked uncertainly.
The girl stared strangely at him.
"You okay, Ed?"
"Uh...sure," Tanker said lamely, uncertain of whether he wanted to laugh or cry. "So...remind me again. Who are you?"
She rolled her eyes, in that action resembling Jennifer more than ever.
"Garneiko, you idiot. Your best friend's only had a crush on me, like, forever."
Tanker nodded, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that the name sounded familiar, but uncertain as to why.
"Right. So...remind me again. Who is he?"
"Who is your best friend of years? Gods, doesn't T'arlynath require that their knights have ANY brains?"
"Knight," he mused, nodding. "At least the armour makes sense now." Then he blinked, realization suddenly hitting him. Of course, the name 'Garneiko' sounded familiar! She was the healer from Ultimate Whimsy XII! Suddenly, being referred to as 'Ed' made sense! He was The Flaming Ed, Sir Edward, greatest knight in all of the kingdom of T'arlynath! "Oh, shit on a stick," he breathed. Then he motioned over another serving girl, suddenly recalling that, at this point, Garneiko was already off duty. When a girl approach the table and requested his order, he pointed to his tankard, recently emptied. "Can I get another one of these? I have a feeling I'll need it before long."
"Sure," the caramel-haired girl chirped, bustling off.
"You okay?" Garneiko asked, frowning at the knight.
"Yeah, great," Tanker replied too brightly.
Garneiko frowned.
"Well, if you're sure. I've got to pick up my money for the day, so I'll see you in a minute. If Rain comes in tell him not to go anywhere."
"Sure," Tanker agreed, smiling gratefully at the serving girl who was currently placing a large mug of something amber-coloured and foamy in front of him.
Letting out a shaky breath, the quarterback-turned-knight lifted the tankard and downed much of it in one gulp.
--------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
"I think this is the tavern," Sam called over his shoulder to Sydney, who was still struggling with the yards of green and white material impeding her progress forward.
"Great," she said fervently, and immediately after, tripped over the hemline of her dress and pitched forward to the ground. "Ow..."
Sam held back a laugh with great difficulty as he peeled her from the ground and led her into the small brown building in front of which hung a sign reading, 'The Rabbit and Turtle.'
-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
From his vantage point behind a pickle cart, Malcolm laughed derisively to himself, although loudly enough to draw odd looks from everyone around him.
"Well! I must say, Sam looks even stupider than I do."
"I don't know," a nearby voice began slowly. "You look pretty stupid, after all."
He turned to glare at the source of the voice, a rather more than stout woman of horrifying familiarity.
"Mrs. Starkey?!" he exclaimed, horrified.
The mysterious figure frowned, tugging at the sleeves of her steel-studded leather jacket.
"Who?"
"Er, sorry," he said sheepishly, realizing his mistake as the situation came back to him. Any resemblance to Mrs. Starkey was purely coincidental...wasn't it? This was simply the hired thug he, Seikujiroth, had, predictably, hired to take out Rain and his cronies. Although, he was fairly certain that the thug had been a man when he played the game... "You looked like someone else. Adelbarret, right?"
She rolled her eyes.
"You hired me, kid. You should know. So, are we agreed on my fee?"
"Which is?"
"Five hundred gold pieces. In advance."
"Five hundred?!" he sputtered. "What the hell did I hire you to do?"
"Hey, for kidnapping the princess of T'arlynath, I'd say five hundred's pretty good," she said defensively. "Now, can we stand up? My legs are beginning to cramp. Why the hell are you hiding behind a pickle-cart, anyway?"
"I don't know," he pouted. "The bush has been done, and the horses I tried to hide behind kept moving away."
"Whatever you say," Adelbarret sighed. "Now. Let's dance."
With that, she leapt from behind the pickle cart, her weapon brandished.
"Wonderful," Malcolm sighed. "I'll bet she doesn't manage it. Not that I care especially. I don't want to have Sydney around making me miserable. Hmph! Some 'beautiful princess'!"
With this, he hurried down the street, away from the tavern. After all, he wanted to be far away when the carnage unfolded and suspects were taken.
--------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
"Sam!"
The young man glanced up abruptly as the familiar voice hissed his name.
"Tanker?!" he hissed back in surprise and delight, dropping into the chair next to the taller boy.
"Yeah," Tanker sighed, his morose expression shifting to one of fond amusement as his gaze lit on the girl seating herself next to Sam. "Hi, Syd. So, you're stuck being the princess?"
"Yes," she muttered resentfully, glaring down at her trailing skirts. "Stupid dress."
"Aw, it looks cute," Sam grinned.
Tanker nodded emphatically, his fond smile only growing when she shot them both loathing death-glares.
"So, do you two know what the hell's going on?" he asked, leaning in closer to his friends.
"Virus, we figure," Sam murmured back.
"Of course," Tanker sighed, rolling his eyes. "Is North Valley some kind of big virus hot-spot or something?"
"Well, alien attacks have Lake Okobogee," Sam noted thoughtfully.
"You've got to stop watching The X-Files," Sydney told him, patting him gently on the shoulder.
"Hey, at least I don't have a crush on the big bald guy," Sam shot back smugly.
"His name is Assistant Director Walter Skinner," she began through gritted teeth, "and it's just a passing interest."
"Sure it is," Sam agreed mildly. "Hey, Tank, you might wanna think about shaving your head."
Tanker shrugged.
"It'd get rid of helmet-hair."
"And everything else hair," Sam snickered. "Anyway, back onto the situation."
"Why does he always do that?" Sydney asked Tanker in a whisper.
"Why does he always do what?" Tanker asked, frowning.
"Get the plot moving again. It hardly seems fair that he always gets to be the logical, down-to-business guy, when we ALL know what a lie that is."
Sam glared at her.
"Well, obviously no one else's gonna do it, so I have to, or we'll just drift along in these meandering conversations forever! So. What was I saying again?"
"At least, we'll have meandering conversations if Mr. Attention Span can remember what they were from one second to the next," Sydney murmured, smirking.
"Shut up!" Sam commanded. "I just remembered."
"Congratulations," Tanker grinned.
"Hey! Do you mind? Anyway, we were talking about the situation. Yeah. I don't know if you've figured it out, Tanker, but we've been sucked into Ultimate Whimsy XII."
"Yeah, I know. I'm the Flaming Ed, right?"
"I guess so," Sam shrugged. "And Syd's Yuluku. How appropriate."
Tanker frowned.
"Why's that?"
"Well...I read ahead in the strategy guide," Sam admitted sheepishly. "There's a bit of a romantic subplot between them."
"Oh," the two other teens commented together, each blushing slightly.
--------------------------------------
Meanwhile, on the other side of the tavern, Garneiko's expression, an angry glare at the dark-haired young woman, relaxed into her more customary bright smile. With the way Ed was blushing at her, she, Garneiko, had nothing to worry about. Although she still didn't approve of Rain's apparent habit of picking up strange girls on the street, if he was only picking them up for the benefit of his friends, that made it a little better.
Decisively, she started over to the table that the three were occupying.
"Hello, Rain," she purred as she sat down across from him.
"Uh...hi...Jennifer?" Sam choked nervously.
Garneiko rolled her eyes.
"Who is this Jennifer girl?"
"Um...she's..." Sam floundered helplessly, recalling seconds too late that the lovely tavern girl, Garneiko, was remarkably possessive of Rain. "No one. No one at all."
"Apparently a no one who looks a lot like me," Garneiko shrugged before turning to Sydney. "So, honey, what's your name?"
"Um...I'm...er..."
"Pointy," Sam interjected.
Garneiko stared at him in bewilderment.
"Pointy?" she repeated. "What kind of a name is that?"
"Hey, my grandmother named me!" Sydney told her defensively, at last getting into this whole business of acting, despite Sam's frantic gestures not to mess with the script of the game. "It was her dying wish."
"Oh! I'm sorry," Garneiko murmured. 'She looks familiar...'
"Well, hi, there!" the tavern-girl who had earlier brought Tanker his much- needed beer greeted Sydney brightly. "Can I get you anything?"
Sydney thought carefully.
"Um...do you have chocolate milk?"
The tavern-girl raised one eyebrow.
"Er, no."
"Normal milk?"
"No."
"Soda?"
"No."
"Juice?"
"No."
Sydney sighed.
"Well, in that case, what DO you have?"
"Beer," the other young woman replied immediately.
A pause.
"Okay, I'll have that."
"You sure?" Tanker murmured to her. "Remember your fabled low alcohol tolerance."
"Shut up!"
"I'm serious! You're the only person I've ever seen who gets tipsy from the communion wine."
"You said we'd never talk about that again!"
"They only let you have a sip! I'd hate to see you drink a whole glass."
"Hey!"
Garneiko leaned closer to Sam.
"What are they talking about? Do they know each other?"
"They must be old friends or something," he replied, shooting his friends a surreptitious glare at this blatant breaking of character. How on earth would they stay undetected for an entire game if these two kept saying things to give them away? "Tanker! Sydney!" he barked. "Stay in character!"
At these fatal words, the entire tavern fell silent, and every head within it, attached to a body or not, swivelled to stare at Sam, who coloured and tried to shrink down inside his leather tunic.
"Oh, good going," Tanker snorted.
Sam sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily.
"I think we'd better just get out of here."
"And go where, exactly?" Garneiko demanded suspiciously.
"Well, I was going to head over to Meillo, which is a really crazy coincidence, because Pointy was telling me earlier that she had to go over there, too! Weren't you, Pointy?" he asked brightly, kicking Sydney underneath the table.
"Ow!" she yelped. "Uh...I mean, oh, yes! Yes, I was. That whole mess with...um..."
"Weren't you saying that you wanted to go ask your old teacher about a problem with your mother?"
"Yes! Of course! He should know. He's known my mother a lot longer than I have, after all," Sydney laughed, rubbing the back of her head nervously.
"Yeah," Sam agreed. Then he turned to Tanker. "So, Ed, are you coming with us?"
Tanker didn't respond, engrossed as he was in watching the enticingly swaying hips of a girl across the tavern.
"Ed?" Sam called again, suppressing a laugh.
"Ed!" Sydney barked, showing absolutely no signs of amusement.
Tanker looked at them, blinking.
"What?"
"We're going to Meillo," Sam told him, pushing out his chair and standing.
"But I haven't finished my beer yet," Tanker whimpered.
"Deal with it," Sydney suggested through gritted teeth, very aware that his gaze still hadn't left the plunging neckline of that same girl across the tavern, who now seemed to be winking at him.
"I'll see you later, Garneiko," Sam told the young blonde as he followed his now-bickering lifelong friends from the tavern.
"You'd better," she called after him cheerfully. "If you don't, I'll find you and kill you!"
Then she sighed.
"He's so dreamy!"
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
"Ha-HA!" Adelbarret was meanwhile cackling with delight from her vantage point up a tree a league from T'arlynath. "What a brilliant place to hide! Now those kids are sure to wander right into my trap! Uh...at least, I hope. They WERE supposed to come out of that tavern, but they cleverly eluded me, taking the back door instead of the front. Damn them...but at last, they will fall into my clutches, and I can get the rest of my pay at last! Unless they took a different forest... I know Seikujiroth said they'd be coming this way, but just between you and me," she confided to the squirrel sitting next to her on the branch, coincidentally the one who had earlier sustained injury from having a summoner's staff thrown at him, although neither Adelbarret nor Sydney ever had any way of knowing that, "I think the guy's a little half-baked."
The squirrel said nothing, being a squirrel.
"Yeah, I think so, too," Adelbarret laughed, slapping the squirrel heartily on the back.
"Eek!" the squirrel would have said as it flew from the tree, if squirrels had the ability to make such noises.
----------------------------------
----------------------------------
"Come on, you guys! Just one traveling song, and then I'll leave you alone?" Sam pleaded, his eyes wide and hopeful.
Tanker sighed as the three trudged along the well-worn path through the forest that covered most of the route from T'arlynath to Meillo.
"For the last time, Sam, we're NOT singing 'John Jacob Jinkleheimer Schmidt' with you!"
"Eek!" a small, furry comet did not shriek as it flew overhead.
Its flying overhead, however, caught the attention of Sydney, who was getting tired of listening to her two traveling companions arguing about travel songs, and was desperate for something to distract her.
"What was that?"
Sam glanced up.
"Uh...a flying squirrel?"
Sydney frowned.
"Squirrels can fly here?"
"Oh, yeah. There's all sorts of weird crap in this forest," Sam told her easily. "Scary killer flowers that can darken you and crush your bones in their vines, rabid goats and weasels, squirrels..."
"Assassins?" a voice overhead suggested.
"Yeah, and assassins," Sam agreed absently as he culled his brains for other examples. Then, as the words floating down from the branch hit him, he stopped short. "Hey, Tanker," he called in a hushed tone.
"Yeah, Sam?"
"That tree just reminded me. Don't we meet up with an assassin in these woods at some point before we hit Meillo?"
Tanker's eyes grew wide with horror.
"Damn, Sammy, you're right!"
"Uh...guys?" the voice prompted, sighing in dismay as Sydney joined in the panic.
"Oh, no! An assassin?! This is terrible! It could happen at any moment!"
"Yeah, like right now!" the voice from the branch agreed, by now rather annoyed.
Sadly, it was again ignored.
"And we'll have no warning! It's just going to be an attack out of the blue!" Sam groaned. "Everyone be really careful. Especially you, Syd. It's Yuluku they're after."
Tanker growled.
"Anyone goes near her, I'll rip his guts out through his nose."
"Hey! Guys!" the voice from the tree overhead called as the trio passed beneath the branch, neither heeding the words nor halting at them.
-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
Adelbarret rolled her eyes, heaving a long sigh.
"Dumb kids."
With that, she leapt down from the branch, drawing a large machine gun from hammerspace.
-----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
Sam, Tanker, and Sydney whirled about at the sound of a thump echoing through the woods behind them.
"Who are you?" Sam demanded, drawing his sword.
"I am Adelbarret," the large woman clad in an armless leather jacket, studded with steel, and similarly studded leather pants, with one arm covered from shoulder to elbow with an intricate tattoo of...twisty things. "Learn that name well, because I have the oddest feeling that our paths shall cross again. I don't know why," she continued in a mutter, "because I'm planning to kill you and all. Oh, except for the little princess, there."
"Hey, don't call me that!" Tanker exclaimed.
"I think he meant Pointy," Sam muttered, choking back a laugh.
"Oh, yeah. I guess that makes sense," Tanker said thoughtfully.
"She looks familiar, doesn't she?" Sydney murmured to Tanker.
"No, not really," Tanker replied, frowning. "In fact, I'm a little fuzzy on who you are."
"I'm your girlfriend, idiot," she said, quite annoyed.
"Really?" Tanker grinned, stepping back and looking her up and down appreciatively. "My girlfriend's hot!"
"Aw...that's sweet," she said, eyes growing shiny. "But seriously, she looks familiar!"
"Yeah, I was just thinking that," Sam commented, scratching his chin. "But I can't quite place her..."
"I don't know..." Tanker frowned.
"The buckey thing sounds familiar, doesn't it?" Sydney noted.
"Well, my mom calls me bucko sometimes," Tanker mused.
"Uh...that doesn't really help us," Sam informed him gently. Then he looked up at Adelbarret. "What do you want?"
"I've been charged with the task of bringing Princess Yuluku back with me."
"On whose orders?" Sam demanded, reflecting that going along with the dialogue of the game kind of sucked. Frankly put, he could have pulled better dialogue out of his...er, nose.
"That isn't for you to know, little boy," Adelbarret laughed. "Now, Princess, shall we?"
"Not a chance!" Tanker snarled, putting up an arm to protect her.
"Ow!" she shrieked as Tanker's protective arm slammed into her nose.
Adelbarret glared at them.
"Okay...if you don't want to do this the easy way, we can do this...the hurty way!"
With that, she lunged forward, brandishing her gun and drawing a ladle from an oddly shaped scabbard on her belt.
"Oh! Mrs. Starkey!" Sydney exclaimed delightedly. "THAT'S who she reminds me of!"
"Hey, yeah," Tanker agreed.
Adelbarret came to a halt.
"Uh...who?"
"Never mind," Tanker replied hastily.
Adelbarret shrugged.
"Whatever you say, kid. Now, let's go! You win, you get to keep the princess. I win, you get to die."
"Not much of a runner-up, is it?" Sam grumbled.
"Then we'd better win, man," Tanker said through gritted teeth, trying to be heroic as he drew his sword, but just sounding rather foolish.
"What can I do?" Sydney asked eagerly.
Sam and Tanker looked from her eager expression to her staff, nearly useless for the time being, to each other, rather pained.
"You're on lookout, Syd," Sam told her, gently guiding her over to a tree. "Go on up and tell us if anyone's coming."
"You're trying to get rid of me, aren't you?" she asked, glaring at him.
"No, no, of course not!" Sam assured her.
"Oh. Okay!" she chirped, hiking up her skirts high enough to make Sam, Tanker, the various and sundry forest creatures scampering about, and Adelbarret stare in varying degrees of delight and converse consternation.
Then, as she disappeared up the tree, Sam, Tanker, and Adelbarret assumed defensive stances, and the forest creatures went about their business. Suddenly, Sam looked up with a frown.
"Hey, where's that music coming from?" he demanded as a rather ominous sort of guitar song started up.
"I think it's the boss theme!" Tanker replied.
"She's a boss?! Uh-oh! Full-life! Full-life!"
"Rain, we don't have Full-Life, or even Life. We don't even have a Phoenix Down!"
"AND Tanker's being the rational one?! Apocalypse is nigh!" Sydney exclaimed from her tree-branch.
"Hey!" Tanker exclaimed, outraged. Then he turned to Sam. "Honestly, though, Sammy, I don't think we have to worry. I mean, she's got a LADLE!"
"I only use my ladle when my gun doesn't finish the job," she growled. "Be warned, boys, this is no ordinary ladle."
"I'm not a boy," Sydney called from the tree.
"You shut up! You're hiding, so you're not allowed to participate in the witty dialogue."
"That isn't just because I'm hiding," the younger woman sniffed contemptuously, somewhat hurt.
"Anyway, as I was saying, be warned, buckeys. I have learned the art of wielding a ladle from the finest warriors in the land. The true iron chefs."
"Do you know Emeril?!" Sydney shouted down from the tree. "Can you get me his autograph?"
"KNOW him?" Adelbarret repeated, quite aghast. "He was my tenth husband! Bam, indeed!"
"Argh! My eyes! They burn with the terror of the mental image!" the tree howled. Or rather, the girl in the tree.
"Hey, Syd, no offence, but could you pipe down so we can finish the battle?"
"Maybe if you START the battle, Mr. Bossy!"
"Listen to the girl, buckey. Bring it," Adelbarret snarled.
"Bring what?" Tanker asked, scratching his head.
"Never mind," Sam sighed, rather glad that balance had been restored and Tanker was once again the idiot.
With that, he leapt forward and swung his sword at the large woman, who went down immediately.
"Agh!" she grunted as she hit the earth solidly. "Gotta hand it to you, kid. You won fairly. Now," she continued, glaring up at him, "finish the job."
Sam shook his head, putting his sword away.
"No way, man. Er, I mean, ma'am. I can't do it."
"Look, kid, you won the fight! You showed me up! You let me live, I'm in your eternal debt!"
Sam shrugged and looked at Tanker.
"Sounds pretty cool to me!"
"You can come down now, Syd!" Tanker hollered up the tree.
"What?" she called back. "It's over already?! I suppose those six hours of levelling up really WERE worth it!"
"No kidding," Sam grinned. "Now Adelbarret here is eternally in our debt!"
"I wish I were dead," she grumbled, climbing to her feet and brushing the dirt and pine needles off her jacket.
"Hey, we're not such a bad crew," Sam chuckled before glancing around. "Hey, Syd - er, Pointy?"
"Yeah?" a mournful voice called back.
"You coming down?"
"W-well, I'm kinda...stuck," she replied sheepishly. "Every time I try to move, my skirt rips!"
"I'll come up and save you, Pointy!" Tanker called immediately, starting up the tree.
"Oh, brother," Adelbarret sighed.
"Cute, aren't they?" Sam grinned. "I'm Rain, by the way. The big guy's Ed - The Flaming Ed - and you already know Pointy."
"Pointy?!" Adelbarret repeated incredulously.
"Yeah," Sam shrugged. "Good a nickname as any. So, since you're travelling with us, how about telling us who was after Pointy?"
"Shouldn't we wait for them?" Adelbarret suggested, gesturing toward the tree.
As if on cue, the sound of cracking wood rent the air, and the next moment, two very startled young people lay on the ground, very startled female atop very happy male, amid scraps of broken wood.
"I really wish I was dead," Adelbarret groaned.
------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------
End Notes: Hi!
----------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------
"Damn," Tanker sighed to himself, taking another swig of the tankard of ale he found in front of him on the heavy wooden table he was seated at, and wondering not for the first time why on earth he was garbed in a heavy suit of armour. "Where is everybody? Hell, come to think of it, where is ME?"
"That would be 'where am I,' Ed," a remarkably pretty blonde girl in a loose, ruffled white blouse and a full blue velvet skirt just the colour of her eyes giggled as she dropped into the chair next to him.
Tanker stared incredulously at her.
"Jennifer?" he croaked uncertainly.
The girl stared strangely at him.
"You okay, Ed?"
"Uh...sure," Tanker said lamely, uncertain of whether he wanted to laugh or cry. "So...remind me again. Who are you?"
She rolled her eyes, in that action resembling Jennifer more than ever.
"Garneiko, you idiot. Your best friend's only had a crush on me, like, forever."
Tanker nodded, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that the name sounded familiar, but uncertain as to why.
"Right. So...remind me again. Who is he?"
"Who is your best friend of years? Gods, doesn't T'arlynath require that their knights have ANY brains?"
"Knight," he mused, nodding. "At least the armour makes sense now." Then he blinked, realization suddenly hitting him. Of course, the name 'Garneiko' sounded familiar! She was the healer from Ultimate Whimsy XII! Suddenly, being referred to as 'Ed' made sense! He was The Flaming Ed, Sir Edward, greatest knight in all of the kingdom of T'arlynath! "Oh, shit on a stick," he breathed. Then he motioned over another serving girl, suddenly recalling that, at this point, Garneiko was already off duty. When a girl approach the table and requested his order, he pointed to his tankard, recently emptied. "Can I get another one of these? I have a feeling I'll need it before long."
"Sure," the caramel-haired girl chirped, bustling off.
"You okay?" Garneiko asked, frowning at the knight.
"Yeah, great," Tanker replied too brightly.
Garneiko frowned.
"Well, if you're sure. I've got to pick up my money for the day, so I'll see you in a minute. If Rain comes in tell him not to go anywhere."
"Sure," Tanker agreed, smiling gratefully at the serving girl who was currently placing a large mug of something amber-coloured and foamy in front of him.
Letting out a shaky breath, the quarterback-turned-knight lifted the tankard and downed much of it in one gulp.
--------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
"I think this is the tavern," Sam called over his shoulder to Sydney, who was still struggling with the yards of green and white material impeding her progress forward.
"Great," she said fervently, and immediately after, tripped over the hemline of her dress and pitched forward to the ground. "Ow..."
Sam held back a laugh with great difficulty as he peeled her from the ground and led her into the small brown building in front of which hung a sign reading, 'The Rabbit and Turtle.'
-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
From his vantage point behind a pickle cart, Malcolm laughed derisively to himself, although loudly enough to draw odd looks from everyone around him.
"Well! I must say, Sam looks even stupider than I do."
"I don't know," a nearby voice began slowly. "You look pretty stupid, after all."
He turned to glare at the source of the voice, a rather more than stout woman of horrifying familiarity.
"Mrs. Starkey?!" he exclaimed, horrified.
The mysterious figure frowned, tugging at the sleeves of her steel-studded leather jacket.
"Who?"
"Er, sorry," he said sheepishly, realizing his mistake as the situation came back to him. Any resemblance to Mrs. Starkey was purely coincidental...wasn't it? This was simply the hired thug he, Seikujiroth, had, predictably, hired to take out Rain and his cronies. Although, he was fairly certain that the thug had been a man when he played the game... "You looked like someone else. Adelbarret, right?"
She rolled her eyes.
"You hired me, kid. You should know. So, are we agreed on my fee?"
"Which is?"
"Five hundred gold pieces. In advance."
"Five hundred?!" he sputtered. "What the hell did I hire you to do?"
"Hey, for kidnapping the princess of T'arlynath, I'd say five hundred's pretty good," she said defensively. "Now, can we stand up? My legs are beginning to cramp. Why the hell are you hiding behind a pickle-cart, anyway?"
"I don't know," he pouted. "The bush has been done, and the horses I tried to hide behind kept moving away."
"Whatever you say," Adelbarret sighed. "Now. Let's dance."
With that, she leapt from behind the pickle cart, her weapon brandished.
"Wonderful," Malcolm sighed. "I'll bet she doesn't manage it. Not that I care especially. I don't want to have Sydney around making me miserable. Hmph! Some 'beautiful princess'!"
With this, he hurried down the street, away from the tavern. After all, he wanted to be far away when the carnage unfolded and suspects were taken.
--------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
"Sam!"
The young man glanced up abruptly as the familiar voice hissed his name.
"Tanker?!" he hissed back in surprise and delight, dropping into the chair next to the taller boy.
"Yeah," Tanker sighed, his morose expression shifting to one of fond amusement as his gaze lit on the girl seating herself next to Sam. "Hi, Syd. So, you're stuck being the princess?"
"Yes," she muttered resentfully, glaring down at her trailing skirts. "Stupid dress."
"Aw, it looks cute," Sam grinned.
Tanker nodded emphatically, his fond smile only growing when she shot them both loathing death-glares.
"So, do you two know what the hell's going on?" he asked, leaning in closer to his friends.
"Virus, we figure," Sam murmured back.
"Of course," Tanker sighed, rolling his eyes. "Is North Valley some kind of big virus hot-spot or something?"
"Well, alien attacks have Lake Okobogee," Sam noted thoughtfully.
"You've got to stop watching The X-Files," Sydney told him, patting him gently on the shoulder.
"Hey, at least I don't have a crush on the big bald guy," Sam shot back smugly.
"His name is Assistant Director Walter Skinner," she began through gritted teeth, "and it's just a passing interest."
"Sure it is," Sam agreed mildly. "Hey, Tank, you might wanna think about shaving your head."
Tanker shrugged.
"It'd get rid of helmet-hair."
"And everything else hair," Sam snickered. "Anyway, back onto the situation."
"Why does he always do that?" Sydney asked Tanker in a whisper.
"Why does he always do what?" Tanker asked, frowning.
"Get the plot moving again. It hardly seems fair that he always gets to be the logical, down-to-business guy, when we ALL know what a lie that is."
Sam glared at her.
"Well, obviously no one else's gonna do it, so I have to, or we'll just drift along in these meandering conversations forever! So. What was I saying again?"
"At least, we'll have meandering conversations if Mr. Attention Span can remember what they were from one second to the next," Sydney murmured, smirking.
"Shut up!" Sam commanded. "I just remembered."
"Congratulations," Tanker grinned.
"Hey! Do you mind? Anyway, we were talking about the situation. Yeah. I don't know if you've figured it out, Tanker, but we've been sucked into Ultimate Whimsy XII."
"Yeah, I know. I'm the Flaming Ed, right?"
"I guess so," Sam shrugged. "And Syd's Yuluku. How appropriate."
Tanker frowned.
"Why's that?"
"Well...I read ahead in the strategy guide," Sam admitted sheepishly. "There's a bit of a romantic subplot between them."
"Oh," the two other teens commented together, each blushing slightly.
--------------------------------------
Meanwhile, on the other side of the tavern, Garneiko's expression, an angry glare at the dark-haired young woman, relaxed into her more customary bright smile. With the way Ed was blushing at her, she, Garneiko, had nothing to worry about. Although she still didn't approve of Rain's apparent habit of picking up strange girls on the street, if he was only picking them up for the benefit of his friends, that made it a little better.
Decisively, she started over to the table that the three were occupying.
"Hello, Rain," she purred as she sat down across from him.
"Uh...hi...Jennifer?" Sam choked nervously.
Garneiko rolled her eyes.
"Who is this Jennifer girl?"
"Um...she's..." Sam floundered helplessly, recalling seconds too late that the lovely tavern girl, Garneiko, was remarkably possessive of Rain. "No one. No one at all."
"Apparently a no one who looks a lot like me," Garneiko shrugged before turning to Sydney. "So, honey, what's your name?"
"Um...I'm...er..."
"Pointy," Sam interjected.
Garneiko stared at him in bewilderment.
"Pointy?" she repeated. "What kind of a name is that?"
"Hey, my grandmother named me!" Sydney told her defensively, at last getting into this whole business of acting, despite Sam's frantic gestures not to mess with the script of the game. "It was her dying wish."
"Oh! I'm sorry," Garneiko murmured. 'She looks familiar...'
"Well, hi, there!" the tavern-girl who had earlier brought Tanker his much- needed beer greeted Sydney brightly. "Can I get you anything?"
Sydney thought carefully.
"Um...do you have chocolate milk?"
The tavern-girl raised one eyebrow.
"Er, no."
"Normal milk?"
"No."
"Soda?"
"No."
"Juice?"
"No."
Sydney sighed.
"Well, in that case, what DO you have?"
"Beer," the other young woman replied immediately.
A pause.
"Okay, I'll have that."
"You sure?" Tanker murmured to her. "Remember your fabled low alcohol tolerance."
"Shut up!"
"I'm serious! You're the only person I've ever seen who gets tipsy from the communion wine."
"You said we'd never talk about that again!"
"They only let you have a sip! I'd hate to see you drink a whole glass."
"Hey!"
Garneiko leaned closer to Sam.
"What are they talking about? Do they know each other?"
"They must be old friends or something," he replied, shooting his friends a surreptitious glare at this blatant breaking of character. How on earth would they stay undetected for an entire game if these two kept saying things to give them away? "Tanker! Sydney!" he barked. "Stay in character!"
At these fatal words, the entire tavern fell silent, and every head within it, attached to a body or not, swivelled to stare at Sam, who coloured and tried to shrink down inside his leather tunic.
"Oh, good going," Tanker snorted.
Sam sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily.
"I think we'd better just get out of here."
"And go where, exactly?" Garneiko demanded suspiciously.
"Well, I was going to head over to Meillo, which is a really crazy coincidence, because Pointy was telling me earlier that she had to go over there, too! Weren't you, Pointy?" he asked brightly, kicking Sydney underneath the table.
"Ow!" she yelped. "Uh...I mean, oh, yes! Yes, I was. That whole mess with...um..."
"Weren't you saying that you wanted to go ask your old teacher about a problem with your mother?"
"Yes! Of course! He should know. He's known my mother a lot longer than I have, after all," Sydney laughed, rubbing the back of her head nervously.
"Yeah," Sam agreed. Then he turned to Tanker. "So, Ed, are you coming with us?"
Tanker didn't respond, engrossed as he was in watching the enticingly swaying hips of a girl across the tavern.
"Ed?" Sam called again, suppressing a laugh.
"Ed!" Sydney barked, showing absolutely no signs of amusement.
Tanker looked at them, blinking.
"What?"
"We're going to Meillo," Sam told him, pushing out his chair and standing.
"But I haven't finished my beer yet," Tanker whimpered.
"Deal with it," Sydney suggested through gritted teeth, very aware that his gaze still hadn't left the plunging neckline of that same girl across the tavern, who now seemed to be winking at him.
"I'll see you later, Garneiko," Sam told the young blonde as he followed his now-bickering lifelong friends from the tavern.
"You'd better," she called after him cheerfully. "If you don't, I'll find you and kill you!"
Then she sighed.
"He's so dreamy!"
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
"Ha-HA!" Adelbarret was meanwhile cackling with delight from her vantage point up a tree a league from T'arlynath. "What a brilliant place to hide! Now those kids are sure to wander right into my trap! Uh...at least, I hope. They WERE supposed to come out of that tavern, but they cleverly eluded me, taking the back door instead of the front. Damn them...but at last, they will fall into my clutches, and I can get the rest of my pay at last! Unless they took a different forest... I know Seikujiroth said they'd be coming this way, but just between you and me," she confided to the squirrel sitting next to her on the branch, coincidentally the one who had earlier sustained injury from having a summoner's staff thrown at him, although neither Adelbarret nor Sydney ever had any way of knowing that, "I think the guy's a little half-baked."
The squirrel said nothing, being a squirrel.
"Yeah, I think so, too," Adelbarret laughed, slapping the squirrel heartily on the back.
"Eek!" the squirrel would have said as it flew from the tree, if squirrels had the ability to make such noises.
----------------------------------
----------------------------------
"Come on, you guys! Just one traveling song, and then I'll leave you alone?" Sam pleaded, his eyes wide and hopeful.
Tanker sighed as the three trudged along the well-worn path through the forest that covered most of the route from T'arlynath to Meillo.
"For the last time, Sam, we're NOT singing 'John Jacob Jinkleheimer Schmidt' with you!"
"Eek!" a small, furry comet did not shriek as it flew overhead.
Its flying overhead, however, caught the attention of Sydney, who was getting tired of listening to her two traveling companions arguing about travel songs, and was desperate for something to distract her.
"What was that?"
Sam glanced up.
"Uh...a flying squirrel?"
Sydney frowned.
"Squirrels can fly here?"
"Oh, yeah. There's all sorts of weird crap in this forest," Sam told her easily. "Scary killer flowers that can darken you and crush your bones in their vines, rabid goats and weasels, squirrels..."
"Assassins?" a voice overhead suggested.
"Yeah, and assassins," Sam agreed absently as he culled his brains for other examples. Then, as the words floating down from the branch hit him, he stopped short. "Hey, Tanker," he called in a hushed tone.
"Yeah, Sam?"
"That tree just reminded me. Don't we meet up with an assassin in these woods at some point before we hit Meillo?"
Tanker's eyes grew wide with horror.
"Damn, Sammy, you're right!"
"Uh...guys?" the voice prompted, sighing in dismay as Sydney joined in the panic.
"Oh, no! An assassin?! This is terrible! It could happen at any moment!"
"Yeah, like right now!" the voice from the branch agreed, by now rather annoyed.
Sadly, it was again ignored.
"And we'll have no warning! It's just going to be an attack out of the blue!" Sam groaned. "Everyone be really careful. Especially you, Syd. It's Yuluku they're after."
Tanker growled.
"Anyone goes near her, I'll rip his guts out through his nose."
"Hey! Guys!" the voice from the tree overhead called as the trio passed beneath the branch, neither heeding the words nor halting at them.
-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
Adelbarret rolled her eyes, heaving a long sigh.
"Dumb kids."
With that, she leapt down from the branch, drawing a large machine gun from hammerspace.
-----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
Sam, Tanker, and Sydney whirled about at the sound of a thump echoing through the woods behind them.
"Who are you?" Sam demanded, drawing his sword.
"I am Adelbarret," the large woman clad in an armless leather jacket, studded with steel, and similarly studded leather pants, with one arm covered from shoulder to elbow with an intricate tattoo of...twisty things. "Learn that name well, because I have the oddest feeling that our paths shall cross again. I don't know why," she continued in a mutter, "because I'm planning to kill you and all. Oh, except for the little princess, there."
"Hey, don't call me that!" Tanker exclaimed.
"I think he meant Pointy," Sam muttered, choking back a laugh.
"Oh, yeah. I guess that makes sense," Tanker said thoughtfully.
"She looks familiar, doesn't she?" Sydney murmured to Tanker.
"No, not really," Tanker replied, frowning. "In fact, I'm a little fuzzy on who you are."
"I'm your girlfriend, idiot," she said, quite annoyed.
"Really?" Tanker grinned, stepping back and looking her up and down appreciatively. "My girlfriend's hot!"
"Aw...that's sweet," she said, eyes growing shiny. "But seriously, she looks familiar!"
"Yeah, I was just thinking that," Sam commented, scratching his chin. "But I can't quite place her..."
"I don't know..." Tanker frowned.
"The buckey thing sounds familiar, doesn't it?" Sydney noted.
"Well, my mom calls me bucko sometimes," Tanker mused.
"Uh...that doesn't really help us," Sam informed him gently. Then he looked up at Adelbarret. "What do you want?"
"I've been charged with the task of bringing Princess Yuluku back with me."
"On whose orders?" Sam demanded, reflecting that going along with the dialogue of the game kind of sucked. Frankly put, he could have pulled better dialogue out of his...er, nose.
"That isn't for you to know, little boy," Adelbarret laughed. "Now, Princess, shall we?"
"Not a chance!" Tanker snarled, putting up an arm to protect her.
"Ow!" she shrieked as Tanker's protective arm slammed into her nose.
Adelbarret glared at them.
"Okay...if you don't want to do this the easy way, we can do this...the hurty way!"
With that, she lunged forward, brandishing her gun and drawing a ladle from an oddly shaped scabbard on her belt.
"Oh! Mrs. Starkey!" Sydney exclaimed delightedly. "THAT'S who she reminds me of!"
"Hey, yeah," Tanker agreed.
Adelbarret came to a halt.
"Uh...who?"
"Never mind," Tanker replied hastily.
Adelbarret shrugged.
"Whatever you say, kid. Now, let's go! You win, you get to keep the princess. I win, you get to die."
"Not much of a runner-up, is it?" Sam grumbled.
"Then we'd better win, man," Tanker said through gritted teeth, trying to be heroic as he drew his sword, but just sounding rather foolish.
"What can I do?" Sydney asked eagerly.
Sam and Tanker looked from her eager expression to her staff, nearly useless for the time being, to each other, rather pained.
"You're on lookout, Syd," Sam told her, gently guiding her over to a tree. "Go on up and tell us if anyone's coming."
"You're trying to get rid of me, aren't you?" she asked, glaring at him.
"No, no, of course not!" Sam assured her.
"Oh. Okay!" she chirped, hiking up her skirts high enough to make Sam, Tanker, the various and sundry forest creatures scampering about, and Adelbarret stare in varying degrees of delight and converse consternation.
Then, as she disappeared up the tree, Sam, Tanker, and Adelbarret assumed defensive stances, and the forest creatures went about their business. Suddenly, Sam looked up with a frown.
"Hey, where's that music coming from?" he demanded as a rather ominous sort of guitar song started up.
"I think it's the boss theme!" Tanker replied.
"She's a boss?! Uh-oh! Full-life! Full-life!"
"Rain, we don't have Full-Life, or even Life. We don't even have a Phoenix Down!"
"AND Tanker's being the rational one?! Apocalypse is nigh!" Sydney exclaimed from her tree-branch.
"Hey!" Tanker exclaimed, outraged. Then he turned to Sam. "Honestly, though, Sammy, I don't think we have to worry. I mean, she's got a LADLE!"
"I only use my ladle when my gun doesn't finish the job," she growled. "Be warned, boys, this is no ordinary ladle."
"I'm not a boy," Sydney called from the tree.
"You shut up! You're hiding, so you're not allowed to participate in the witty dialogue."
"That isn't just because I'm hiding," the younger woman sniffed contemptuously, somewhat hurt.
"Anyway, as I was saying, be warned, buckeys. I have learned the art of wielding a ladle from the finest warriors in the land. The true iron chefs."
"Do you know Emeril?!" Sydney shouted down from the tree. "Can you get me his autograph?"
"KNOW him?" Adelbarret repeated, quite aghast. "He was my tenth husband! Bam, indeed!"
"Argh! My eyes! They burn with the terror of the mental image!" the tree howled. Or rather, the girl in the tree.
"Hey, Syd, no offence, but could you pipe down so we can finish the battle?"
"Maybe if you START the battle, Mr. Bossy!"
"Listen to the girl, buckey. Bring it," Adelbarret snarled.
"Bring what?" Tanker asked, scratching his head.
"Never mind," Sam sighed, rather glad that balance had been restored and Tanker was once again the idiot.
With that, he leapt forward and swung his sword at the large woman, who went down immediately.
"Agh!" she grunted as she hit the earth solidly. "Gotta hand it to you, kid. You won fairly. Now," she continued, glaring up at him, "finish the job."
Sam shook his head, putting his sword away.
"No way, man. Er, I mean, ma'am. I can't do it."
"Look, kid, you won the fight! You showed me up! You let me live, I'm in your eternal debt!"
Sam shrugged and looked at Tanker.
"Sounds pretty cool to me!"
"You can come down now, Syd!" Tanker hollered up the tree.
"What?" she called back. "It's over already?! I suppose those six hours of levelling up really WERE worth it!"
"No kidding," Sam grinned. "Now Adelbarret here is eternally in our debt!"
"I wish I were dead," she grumbled, climbing to her feet and brushing the dirt and pine needles off her jacket.
"Hey, we're not such a bad crew," Sam chuckled before glancing around. "Hey, Syd - er, Pointy?"
"Yeah?" a mournful voice called back.
"You coming down?"
"W-well, I'm kinda...stuck," she replied sheepishly. "Every time I try to move, my skirt rips!"
"I'll come up and save you, Pointy!" Tanker called immediately, starting up the tree.
"Oh, brother," Adelbarret sighed.
"Cute, aren't they?" Sam grinned. "I'm Rain, by the way. The big guy's Ed - The Flaming Ed - and you already know Pointy."
"Pointy?!" Adelbarret repeated incredulously.
"Yeah," Sam shrugged. "Good a nickname as any. So, since you're travelling with us, how about telling us who was after Pointy?"
"Shouldn't we wait for them?" Adelbarret suggested, gesturing toward the tree.
As if on cue, the sound of cracking wood rent the air, and the next moment, two very startled young people lay on the ground, very startled female atop very happy male, amid scraps of broken wood.
"I really wish I was dead," Adelbarret groaned.
------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------
End Notes: Hi!