The Utterly Ridiculous Monty Python Registration

by sacred-soul

Astronomy has been cancelled. The Hogwarts sixth years (all of them--maybe fifth years later) are sitting in Muggle Studies instead, where they are filling out.....the registration to a Monty Python game (slightly modified). Hilarity ensues. Minor cursing

3. Ron's form

Ron frowned as he stared at the paper before him. He looked around the room. Most people seemed to be arguing with somebody who wasn't really there. He turned back to his paper and picked up his dark purple pen.

Why can't I have puce?

Because you don't know what "puce" is.

Oh, okay. Well, I'd better get started.

~~~

1) What is your name? Ron Weasley

2) What is your address? The Burrows

3) What is your hair colour? Red

4) What is your eye colour? Blue

5) What is your other eye colour? See question four

6) What is your quest? To seek the Goldy Mail

7) What is your favourite colour? Puce, but I am mistakenly thinking of a primary colour because I don't know what 'puce' is.

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? 45,000 mph

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way? It was discovered by an astronomer named Edmund Milky.

10) What was the name of the princess? Zoot

11) Who was King Arthur? A real stupid king

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg? 180 seconds

13) How many fingers am I holding up? Public Education

14) What is the square root of twenty-five? Don't you get it? I attended public school.

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill? With a public school education, I'll never get a job where I can earn a five-dollar bill.

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? Oh, I see, you attended public school too!

17) How many goats have stood for parliament? Cardinal Reginald, 17 Princeton Way, Essex

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they? Yes

19) Is this a trick question? Yes, but then this might be a trick answer, so choose carefully.

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden? No

21) Have you ever been to Sweden? No

22) Do you know why God created Sweden? No

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit? Yes

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually… Become head of a studio

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce? No. I avoid Australians at all costs.

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce? Yes, that's why I ignore Australians—because of the possibility that they might be named Bruce.

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE. Muggles!

28) Are you wearing underwear? Yes.

29) What colour is it? Red-and-green plaid.

30) What type is it? A special kind designed to lift, fold, and separate

31) Will you send it to me? Yes (Why not? It sure beats washing it.)

32) Is it edible? By now? Probably.

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

33) Do you have a modem? Is this some Muggle contraption?

34) Is it wearing underwear? Do they usually?

35) What was the answer to question eleven? L

36) What is today? March 12, 1995

37) Where did you get this questionnaire? Stole it

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time? No

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it? No

40) Is this question redundant? No

41) Is this question redundant? No

42) Is this question redundant? No

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying? No

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying? What does "redundant" mean anyway?

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy? My hovercraft is full of eels.

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear? Yes, please.

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place? You'll never get any friends young lady unless you clean up your mouth.

48) What have I got in my pocket? I'm just happy to see you.

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should. Poop!