The Utterly Ridiculous Monty Python Registration

by sacred-soul

Astronomy has been cancelled. The Hogwarts sixth years (all of them--maybe fifth years later) are sitting in Muggle Studies instead, where they are filling out.....the registration to a Monty Python game (slightly modified). Hilarity ensues. Minor cursing

4. Harry's form

This form is a disgrace to society.

Would you rather fill it out or do detention with Snape?

Let me think about it for a minute…

Oh, just fill out the bloody form.

Why should I?

Because there are about fifty people looking over your shoulder waiting for you to fill out the bloody thing. Besides, Ron and Hermione have already done it.

Oh, fine, have it your way.

~~~

1) What is your name? Harry Potter

2) What is your address? Number four, Privet Drive

3) What is your hair colour? Black

4) What is your eye colour? Green

5) What is your other eye colour? Same as my mother's

6) What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail

7) What is your favourite colour? Red

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? African or European?

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way? Ancient astronomers thought it was a giant swirl of milk.

10) What was the name of the princess? Guenevere

11) Who was King Arthur? A real English king

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg? 1/20 of an hour.

13) How many fingers am I holding up? Two

14) What is the square root of twenty-five? Five

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill? Erm…Lincoln's?

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? A hundred years

17) How many goats have stood for parliament? Goats?

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they? Yes. Look, I'm actually serious about this here!

19) Is this a trick question? Yes

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden? No

21) Have you ever been to Sweden? No

22) Do you know why God created Sweden? No, and I really could care less.

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit? Yes (but not really)

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually… What kind of question is that? I'm not even going to bother answering.

Fine. See if I care when you spend a month in detention with Professor Sn—

Eat a banana. Happy now?

Thank you.

Grrr…

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce? No

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce? My mother is dead.

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE. Good!

28) Are you wearing underwear? Yes! What kind of question is that?

29) What colour is it? White. What does this have to do with anything?

30) What type is it? Briefs. So?

31) Will you send it to me? Eurgh! You perverted freak! No!

32) Is it edible? Okay, what kind of sick imbeciles wrote this questionnaire?

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. It had better not!

33) Do you have a modem? Not personally, but my cousin does and lets me use it occasionally.

34) Is it wearing underwear? Eurgh!

35) What was the answer to question eleven? Apparently, it was L.

36) What is today? March 12, 1995

37) Where did you get this questionnaire? Received it as an instrument of torture (I'd almost rather do detention with Snape. Almost.)

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time? Yes—well, my cousin does, but I've played it.

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it? What, and waste my time?

40) Is this question redundant? No

41) Is this question redundant? Yes

42) Is this question redundant? Yes

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying? Yes

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying? Yes!!!!!

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy? Go away, you weirdo!

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear? No, thank you.

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place? Certainly not!

48) What have I got in my pocket? A magic ring stolen from another story.

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should. It's about time!