Well, minna, it's that time again. The next chapter of Primary Colors will be up as soon as my laptop comes back from the repair company, but until then, I figured I'd entertain my loyal readers (do I have loyal readers?) with a brand new parody! This probably isn't going to be as good as Whodunit? was, but it should still be, at the very least, mildly entertaining.
Characters are desperately needed for this super-sized casting list, so there will be no director this time, and just about everybody—and I mean everybody—gets at least a brief cameo. I'll do my best in terms of updating, but my schedule's gonna be nuts until I finish all this college applying and stuff.
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DISCLAIMER: The characters of X-men:
Evolution are not mine. The movie Austin
Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is not mine. I am simply using them for my own entertainment. Oh, and yours, of course. The only thing I own in any possible way is
Ryo, and I wonder about her sometimes….
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"Pyro Powers:
The Spy who Shagged Me"
A parody of Austin Powers 2
Written and Directed by: DragonBlond
Apocolypse [voice-over]: Previously on X-men: Evolution…Oh, I'll tell you what happened. I kicked some major mutant ass, that's what happened! You see, it all began—
Oops…wrong script. *shuffles though papers* Sorry 'bout that Nur, baby, sweetheart. Here you go.
Apocolypse [voice-over]: Hey! This isn't about me!
Just read it.
Apocolypse [voice-over]: *mumbles* Fine. In his last adventure, Austin Powers—a swinging spy from the sixties—was unfrozen in the nineties to battle his archenemy, Dr. Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth…hmm, never though of trying that one before…and banished him into space forever. Or so he thought…
Elegant double doors of the French Riviera can be seen, with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A Do-Not-Disturb sign hangs from the handle.
Pyro and Amara snuggle together in bed. She plays with his chest hair.
Amara: I love you, Mr. Powers
Pyro: And I love you, Mrs. Powers
He pauses, then turns to the camera.
Pyro: Hold on a sec, mate…couldn't I get in trouble, since she's…y'know…underage?
Director's License.
Pyro: Schweet.
Pyro gets out of bed. We see Amara putting on her robe from behind. She and Pyro kiss.
Amara: Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night; we can look at the stars!
Pyro: Works for me.
The two of them step outside, where they gaze upwards at a beautiful, star-filled sky.
Pyro: Look how beautiful the night sky is.
Amara: *points* Isn't that the big dipper?
Pyro: *also points* Yeah! And that looks just like Uranus.
Amara: Pervert.
She smacks him, rolling her eyes. But as she does so, her sight sets on something…unusual.
Amara: Hey, I've never seen that big star before.
Pyro: Yeah…what is that?
He pulls a big-ass telescope from virtually nowhere and takes a look.
Inside the Bob's Big Boy rocket you ALL remember from the first movie…we see Magneto!
Magneto: This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. There's more than one way to skin a cat…isn't there, Mr. Bigglesworth?
He pets a half-frozen Lockheed, who is wearing cat-ears.
Lockheed: *growls*
Magneto: Sorry. Maybe I should've worded that better.
A hatch in the rocket's butt opens up, and Magneto's silver egg capsule poops out…literally.
Egg Capsule: PFFT!
The capsule begins its fiery re-entry to Earth.
Pyro: *eyes light up* Fire?
Not now, John.
Pyro: aww…
Pyro walks inside, shutting the balcony door behind him.
Pyro: Oh, well…I guess it was nothing
Amara crosses, carrying a bouquet of flowers that obscure her face. Pyro walks over to the room service cart.
Pyro: *to Amara* Care for some champagne?
He pours himself a glass, and raises it.
Pyro: Here's to monotony—I mean—monogamy!
He downs the glass…then, as an after thought, downs four more.
Amara sits at the vanity table with her back turned.
Pyro: …hello? Vanessa? What are you doing, luv?
Amara: Just putting on my—
As she turns around, she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE, revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be.
Fembot Amara: *computerized voice* —MAKE-UP!
Pyro recoils in fear.
Pyro: Vanessa! You're a fembot!
Fembot Amara: You're a quick one.
They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Amara's breasts. Pyro stares.
Pyro: Is it cold in here, or is it just you? I mean—machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those?!
Fembot Amara: *computerized voice* Perhaps. Next. Time. You. Should. Try. Foreplay.
Pyro: Ouch.
Her machine-gun breasts fire, spraying the room with bullets in slow-motion. Then they run out of ammo…
Machine-gun breasts: CLICK! CLICK!
Fembot Amara: Crap…
Pyro empties his gun into the robot, but it does very little. She rushes at him. He tries a judo chop, but also to no avail. Then he notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it.
Amara starts to twitch. Her head spins, and she explodes.
Pyro: That's handy.
Fembot parts fly everywhere. Pyro sits on the bed, saddened. He holds Fembot Amara's hand, which has wires hanging out of the wrist. One of the fingers still holds her wedding ring.
Very sad piano music plays.
Pyro: I can't believe Vanessa…my bride…my one true love…the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another…the person who taught me the meaning of love…was a Fembot. How will I ever go on?
There is a pause as he realizes something, lifting his head up. The sad music comes to a screeching halt.
Pyro: Wait a tic! That means I'm single again! Oh, behave!!!
Fembot Amara's Head: *dryly* Nice. To. See. How. Much. I. Meant. To. You….
[cue music: "The Streak," by Ray Stevens starts to play]
As non-important credits roll across the screen, Pyro goes streaking through the entire hotel.
Pyro: *laughing insanely* Hahahahaha! Yeah, mate!
Most of the cast covers his/her eyes…although more than a few girls peek.
Pyro: Yeah, baby, I'm free! Naked and free!
He runs through a hotel lobby…joins a nude marching band…goes to a nude beach…and jumps on a trampoline.
Once again fully-clothed, he does a super-double flip into the drivers' seat of a Jaguar.
Pyro: Shaguar, baby, yeah!
A close-up of the script on the grill is seen, reading "Shaguar" where Jaguar is supposed to be.
The car speeds off.
A full-screen TV appears, with the JERRY SPRINGER show on the air.
On-stage, we see Logan—a Klansman father—and Bobby—his Klansman son—as well as Sabertooth and Graydon Creed, and Todd all seated on a panel. Graydon is wearing a "DESTROY ALL MUTANTS!" t-shirt, while Logan and Bobby are wearing KKK hats.
In the lower part of the screen, the caption reads: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"
Lance faces the screen with a microphone.
Lance: If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world." Now, Bobby…you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break?
Bobby turns to Logan.
Bobby: Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone…
Logan: Don't say it!
The crowd WHOOPS.
Logan: SHUT UP!
The crowd goes silent as he bares his claws at them.
Bobby: I met someone…and he's black.
The crowd goes crazy.
Logan: He?
Lance: Please welcome…Tim.
Evan appears from backstage, and high-fives Bobby as soon as he appears. The crowd screams.
Ignoring a now cracking-up Bobby and Evan…and a slightly-paler-than-usual Logan…Lance moves on to Todd.
Lance: Now Scott, tell us about your problem. Share with us.
Todd: My problem? I'll tell you my problem…just because the guy who played Scott Evil in the original movie was named Seth GREEN, DragonBlond thinks she's sooooo funny. WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YA, BLONDIE—NO ONE'S LAUGHING!!!
…
Lance: …I meant about your father.
Todd: Oh, yeah. Him. Well, he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination. You know, the usual.
Lance: Uh…huh. And where is your father right now?
Todd: *casually* In outer space, like, frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Lance: Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott…. Let's bring out Scott's father, Dr. Evil.
Todd turns around just in time to see Magneto entering. A caption reading "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" appears at the bottom of the screen.
Magneto: Hello, Scott. I'm back.
Todd: You're my father?! I mean…I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television!
Magneto shrugs.
Magneto: They offered me a free makeover.
Lance: Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share?
Magneto: Share?
Lance: Yes. Don't you have any secrets?
Magneto: I see dead people.
Lance: I mean any other secrets.
Magneto: Okay. I have a vestigial tail.
The audience is slightly grossed out by this.
Magneto: It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot—but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank—not Beast, but another Hank—hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a talented Jennifer Lopez. Dancer, singer, actor…and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four.
Lance: But of course.
Magneto: DON'T INTERUPT! Ahem…I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor tooth and perhaps a grudging respect for a weaker sex. It didn't last very long, though. I love toe cleavage. For the post part, I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men," or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh, yes…I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in a coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash…but who, at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that?
The Springer audience—those who are still awake, at least—are stunned, slack-jawed and for once, silent.
Conscious Springer audience members: *blink*
Logan: What are you, some kind of freak?
Todd: Shut up, jagoff!
The unconscious Springer audience members wake up just in time to start WHOOPing.
Logan: WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!
Even that doesn't stop them…for no power is greater than a Springer audience.
Logan: Grrr…*to Todd* I'll kick your ass, punk!
Magneto: No one talks to my boy that way!
Magneto charges Logan and starts to bitch-slap him silly. Colossus, in metal form and wearing a headset, runs to separate them.
Magneto: *takes a deep breath* I'm okay, I'm okay.
There is a pause, then Dr. Evil charges him again, knocking him down.
Graydon: …and you people wonder why I hate mutants?
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Kinda short, I know…but we're just getting started! ^_~
R+R. All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed towards the characters themselves. Starting next chapter, they will be answering your reviews. Cool, huh?