I had to post this up a couple days early, actually, otherwise you wouldn't hear from me for another week. My weekend's gonna be pretty rough: ACTs first thing in the morning…a shopping trip to the new Target (hopefully *crosses fingers*)… work on Sunday… a ton of homework… and practice for my road test on Monday. Wish me luck!
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REVIEWS!
Amara: *dryly* So nice to see you all enjoyed watching me explode.
Pyro: Lighten up, luv…all in good humor, right?
todd fan
Todd: …haven't I heard that penname somewhere before?
LOL!
This proves my theory that Parody writing is an addictive illness, you can't just write one. I'm exhibit A, you can be exhibit B *twitch twitch*
Pyro: She's right. They're both crazy.
Oh, you're one to talk.
No power is greater than a Springer audience.
…I couldn't agree more *shudder*
Brotherhood: *chanting* Al-vers! Al-vers! Al-vers!
Lance: *twitch*
MoonlightPhoenix3
Hey! This is really funny and you should write more soon!
^_^ Glad you like it!
All: Don't encourage her!
Too late!
Pyromaniac1
Pyro: Ah, a sheila after my own heart.
*Giggles* Brilliant, I tell you! Would I be able to have permission to host this on Acolytes 'R' Us? You'll have credit, of course.
Logan: Huh. So that's where Magneto gets his lackeys.
Magneto: *sighs* What was I thinking, going for the three-for-one sale?
The Resident Psychopath
Great, I love it. Hope you have even better chapters to come. ^_^ -Streak 2
Pyro: Ah, my adoring fans!
[He receives glares from the rest of the cast]
Pyro: *nervously* Er…I mean our adoring fans…yeah, that's it.
* * * * *
We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top, and we see a giant STARBUCKS logo and the words: "Starbucks World Headquarters."
Inside the penthouse boardroom, we see everything adorned with STARBUCKS paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans…and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks. Naturally, it's getting quite crowded.
Around a large table are Magneto (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot)…
Magneto: I could've taken him; really…I just chose to remain the civilized of the two. I wasn't raised in the wild, you know.
Logan/Sabertooth: *off-stage* [low growl]
…Mystique, Todd, and a few random henchmen. Taryn is briefly seen serving everyone steaming hot coffee products.
Remy steps into the spotlight, wearing a patch over one eye.
Remy: Dr. Evil, as the legitimate front man of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small, Seattle-based coffee company several years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far-flung empire with two thousand outlets worldwide.
Magneto: What happened to the factory that built mini models of factories?
Remy: That was the first movie.
Magneto: Aww…*sniff* I really liked that factory. Oh, well. I do enjoy a good cuppa joe.
Remy: If I may continue…I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold.
Magneto takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a white, frothy milk moustache on his upper lip.
Magneto: Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Might I remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect!
Remy motions towards the milk mustache.
Remy: Dr. Evil, I think you—
Magneto: Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time?
~Flashback to: scene from the first movie. Remy disappears backwards into the fiery pit.
Remy smiles weakly, breaking into a nervous sweat.
Remy: May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little…misunderstanding.
Magneto: Nobody likes a brown-noser.
He turns to Mystique.
Magneto: Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen?
We see Mystique, looking slightly more…masculine than usual.
Mystique: You know, just because my son speaks German doesn't mean I do.
Just say the line.
Mystique: *nods her head* Zehr gut, Herr Doctor.
Magneto: How are things?
Mystique: I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover.
We then see Irene sitting in the seat directly to Mystique's right. She is wearing a [very fake] uni-brow.
Mystique: Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour.
Magneto: Makes sense. Good for you. Welcome, Unibrau.
He takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy, milk mustache even larger.
This time, Mystique is the one to motion to the moustache.
Mystique: Doctor, you have a…
Magneto picks up a random mirror and finally notices.
Magneto: Got milk?
Slightly embarrassed, but trying to act cool, he wipes it away.
Remy: Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus.
We see Sabertooth sitting in one of the chairs, arms folded and glaring.
Magneto: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Sabertooth: Um…no.
Magneto: Okay then. Welcome to my price army, Oedipus. Excited?
Sabertooth: I could give a shit.
Magneto: Kiss your mother with that mouth?
Sabertooth: Yes.
Magneto: Of course you do…
He begins to reach for a button on the console labeled "Oedipus," but Remy interrupts.
Remy: Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them.
Magneto: *sighs* I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life is to rotate your vices. One day, it's executions, another day it's creamy, French cheese…it's like frickin' heroin!
Remy: Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you.
Magneto: Cool.
Remy: We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results.
Mystique: SEND IN THE CLONE!
Dramatic music begins to play as we see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil…only much larger and scarier.
Remy: He is identical to you in every way…except he is one-eighth your intelligence.
The door slides open to reveal…PIETRO!
Pietro: Hehehehehehehehehehehee!
He steps forwards, grinning madly, even wearing Magneto's signature bucket-helmet and oversized cape. In doing so, he mimics the signature Dr. Evil mannerism of holding his pinky to his mouth.
Magneto is amazed.
Magneto: Breathtaking. I shall call him…Mini-Maggie!
Pietro: Hehehehehehehehehehehe!
Magneto: Mini-Maggie, will you sit to my right?
Pietro zips over to the table, and climbs into a slightly smaller version of Magneto's command chair.
Magneto: Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!
The cat-eared Lockheed runs and jumps into Magneto's lap. A slightly smaller cat-eared Lockheed jumps into Pietro's lap.
Todd: *in fear* Dear god, there's TWO of them!
Magneto: Mini-Maggie…something to eat?
Pietro shakes his head furiously, holding up two-dozen chocolate bars and grinning evilly.
Magneto: All right, then. *to room* Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States. That's what he likes to think, anyways. But he is just that—a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with—and this is the kicker…
Pause.
Magneto: With a White House intern!
Magneto gloats. Seeing him do so, Pietro gloats too.
Remy clears his throat.
Magneto: …what, that already happened?
Remy nods.
Remy: It's just as well, sir…all that came out of it was a long, boring trial, and a life-long career in the spotlight for that hussy, Monica.
Magneto: This is ri—goddamn—diculous! Oh, well…how about a frickin' time machine? Does the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that?
Remy: Probably, but we can do it anyway.
Magneto: All right, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Todd: Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope?
Pietro zips onto the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button, but Mystique squirts him with a water bottle. He hisses at her briefly, gives Todd the finger, and zips back into his seat to sulk.
Pietro: *mutters* I wanna push the button!
Magneto: No, because Austin Powers has "mojo."
Remy: Mojo?
Mystique: Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff."
Magneto: It's what the French call a certain "I-don't-know-what."
Todd: If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something?
Magneto: No, no, no. That would make sense, and you know how I feel about that. Plus, without him, the movie would end right here and now.
Todd gives him a "Duh!" look. Magneto stops and thinks it over for a second.
Magneto: Hmm…tempting…
Remy: Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to pay the stock market? We could literally make trillions.
Magneto grins smugly to himself.
Magneto: Why make trillions when we could make…billions!
Remy: Uh—wha?
Magneto: Why think small, is all I'm saying.
Todd: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.
Magneto: Less talk, you. Unveil the time portal!
A wall panel opens to reveal a wall of shimmering energy. It looks just like something out of Stargate.
Todd: …was that there the whole time?
Magneto: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, Austin Power was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. Security will be lax, and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. First, I take Austin Powers' mojo…then, I begin my domination of the world!
Todd: Can I come?
Magneto: No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose…or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad. I don't know animals. But I do know this: this time, it's personal. Frau, Number 2…I'll see you both in 1969!
He starts to run towards the portal.
Mystique: Wait! We haven't—
He runs into the portal. Literally.
Mystique: —turned it on yet.
Magneto: *holding his head* Well, thanks for the warning. Come, Mini-Maggie!
Pietro: Hehehehehehehehehe!
Throwing the chocolate over one shoulder, Pietro zips to Magneto's side. The two of them jump into the portal, and there is a freeze-frame effect, and they fade away. Very Star Trek-like.
Can you see the lawsuits? Huh? CAN YOU?!
Magneto and Pietro emerge on the other side seconds later, into a new lair. It is a large, hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces.
Pietro: I helped with the decorating! *big, cheesy grin*
Mystique and Remy stand, awaiting their arrival.
As Magneto makes his way to the center of the room, a chairs start to rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Magneto gets caught in the middle as chairs rise all around him. He is visibly frightened…until…
Magneto: Wait a second. I control metal!
With a wave of one hand, he sends the mo' fo's across the room, then pulls new ones out of the floor. He then sits down, smugly satisfied.
Magneto: Much better. Mini-Maggie…I want you to meet Number Two.
Remy: Bonjour, ami.
Pietro says nothing, just stares at Remy.
Magneto: Mini-Maggie?
Pietro slowly walks (yes, walks) over to Remy, looking at him with wide-eyes. Remy looks down at the slightly shorter boy. Then, Pietro suddenly kicks him in the shin and runs back to his chair before Remy even grabs his leg.
Remy: *mutters obscenities in French*
Magneto: Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine!
He gets up, walks over to a nearby window and looks out.
Magneto: *laughs manically*
We cut to outside to see that the window is, in fact, the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-like depiction of Magneto, carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island.
Magneto: [v/o] *laughs manically*
Remy: [v/o] *sarcastically* Oh, yeah…real inconspicuous. They'd never think of looking for us here….
* * * * *
R+R. (If I get enough, I might be inspired to update a bit sooner *hint, hint*) All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.