The Utterly Ridiculous Monty Python Registration

by sacred-soul

Astronomy has been cancelled. The Hogwarts sixth years (all of them--maybe fifth years later) are sitting in Muggle Studies instead, where they are filling out.....the registration to a Monty Python game (slightly modified). Hilarity ensues. Minor cursing

6. Seamus's form

Okay, Seamus, can you do this for me? Everybody else has been giving me some form of lip.

What do you need me to do?

I just want you to fill out this form.

I'll give it my absolute best shot, but what company is it from?

It's the registration form for Monty Python and the—

I'm all over it!

~~~

1) What is your name? Seamus Finnigan

2) What is your address? 156 Falls Road, Belfast

3) What is your hair colour? Blond

4) What is your eye colour? Blue

5) What is your other eye colour? Brown

6) What is your quest? To tweak the Mouldy Tail

7) What is your favourite colour? Green—the colour of freedom

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Fifteen feet

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way? It expires next Tuesday.

10) What was the name of the princess? Elizabeth

11) Who was King Arthur? Graham Chapman in a dress L

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg? 180 seconds

13) How many fingers am I holding up? Forty-seven

14) What is the square root of twenty-five? Ten

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill? Kennedy

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? Three weeks

17) How many goats have stood for parliament? Seven

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they? A rat does.

19) Is this a trick question? Yes

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden? Yes

21) Have you ever been to Sweden? Yes

22) Do you know why God created Sweden? No

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit? Yes

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually… Get his skinny little chum-chum wedged painfully between the keys. I'm really enjoying this!

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce? No

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce? Yes!!!

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE.

28) Are you wearing underwear? No

29) What colour is it? N/A

30) What type is it? N/A

31) Will you send it to me? I'll send you a pair I have in my trunk.

32) Is it edible? Yup. It's made of spun sugar.

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. Aww…

33) Do you have a modem? Dad does.

34) Is it wearing underwear? Wire underwear, but underwear nonetheless.

35) What was the answer to question eleven? L

36) What is today? March 12, 1995

37) Where did you get this questionnaire? Bought it

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time? Yeah, Dad got it for me as a present last year.

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it? Yes, it was delicious.

40) Is this question redundant? Yes

41) Is this question redundant? Yes

42) Is this question redundant? Yes

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying? Yes

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying? Yes

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy? I am from another planet.

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear? First we must glean it from the neighbour's porpoise.

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place? I'm not that kind of girl.

48) What have I got in my pocket? I'm just happy to see you.

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should. Hey, I'm going to ask if I can switch from Arithmancy to Muggle Studies. This is fun!