…what can I say? I'm too lazy to do my real work, so I thought I'd type up a new chapter. It's not my fault! This thing's just too much fun to write! ^_^() Plus, I'm in such a good mood anyways after seeing Justice League's "Hearts and Minds" yesterday (big HG/GL shipper here), I figured I'd share the joy!
Small note: the script I managed to retrieve is slightly different from the final copy. Even I noticed a number of changes in both dialogue and stage directions…but hopefully, they're not so significant as to take away from any of you loyal fans out there.
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REVIEWS!
Daheim
^^ I loved it! Even though I've seen the movies about 100 times each,
Todd: Who hasn't?
and knew basically what to expect, I still sniggered out loud drawing a curious glare from my sister sitting across the room. I'm glad you worked Piotr in, if only for a brief part, he's gotta be my favorite character in Evo, and I hope you can give him a bit more screen time.
Poitr: *blushes* I am flattered you are fan.
Pyro: Wait! But if he gets more screen time, that'll take away from me!
Lance: Oh, get over yourself. You're already the star! Of DragonBlond's second parody in a row, no less!
Pyro: *sniff* Don't hate me because I'm loved.
Other than that, kudos, and a free Popsicle for your good work. I look forward to future submissions!
todd fan
one eighth his INTELIGENCE?!
Pietro: I resent that remark!
Lance: Don't you mean, "resemble"
Pietro: Yeah, I—HEY!
LOL Oh man, that was too much for my poor brain this early in the morning. I'll be laughing all day in work, ah well, they already know I'm crazy 0_o
Magneto: After all, couldn't hurt to verify it.
JCKIDSMART
PLEASE UPDATE!
All: Ahhhh!
Logan: No so LOUD, damn you! Some of us have enhanced hearing, you know…
Rurouni Ryriel
Pyro: Must be a Kenshin fan.
Oh, this is too frickin' awesome for words. And I thought your last movie parody was silly, this is frickin' insane.
Pietro: Of course it is. Look who's starring in it.
Pyro: *grins proudly*
And now that I saw your second chapter, your choice of Toad as Seth Green was brilliant.
Todd: …I fail to see the brilliant-ness.
Pietro makes a much better Mini-Maggie.
Pietro: Hehehehehehehehehehehehe!
Oh that was priceless.
Lance: Cost of miniaturized bucket-helmet and cape?
Todd: Fifteen dollars.
Lance: Cost of excessive amounts of pixie sticks and chocolate.
Todd: Fifteen hundred dollars.
Lance: Image of Pietro running around, calling himself "Mini-Maggie."
Todd: Priceless.
Evan: Some things, money can't buy…for everything else, there's fanfiction parodies.
Can't wait to see who else you've brought into the twisted parody world. I do however predict perhaps Boom-Boom taking over as the blonde shagwell?
All: *ponder the thought*
Lance: …naw…
Todd: Too easy.
Can't wait for more, please don't disappoint me. Or, or, or…I'll sic X23 on you!
Pyromaniac1
…I don't remember this movie.
It was the second one…so Austin goes back in the past and meets that girl, then goes back to the present and proceeds to angst about something for thirty minutes?
Wait…didn't that happen in the third one?
I'm confused.
Pyro: Lemme see if I can clear things up for you, luv. The second one takes place mostly in the sixties. There's not much angst; the angsty-ness was in the first movie, when he first realized how much his world had changed by the nineties while he stayed the same. Well…you'll see for yourself as the fic progresses.
Anyhoo…yeah. Great chapter. Mini-Maggie. That's just plain cute! I'm still trying to remember what happened in the second movie, so I don't really have any comments or stuff.
**ANNOUNCEMENT: Pietro as Mini-Maggie is officially copywrited by me. Don't steal. I bite. ^_~
* * * * *
We see Pyro's frozen body in cryogenic storage…naked, except for his hands in a conveniently placed position. Above it, there are two digital clocks. One reads: "CURRENT DATE: May 25, 1969." The other reads: "DATE FROZEN: November 11, 1967."
A few random, Scottish soldiers all for a line inside the cryogenic storage room…including a kilt-wearing Fred.
Scott steps forward to address the group.
Scott: We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert.
Fred: *fake Scottish accent* Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee, naked, hairy popsicle, sir!
Pyro: *muffled protests at the "wee" comment*
Scott: Very good. And…uh…try and lose some weight, for God's sake!
Fred: I'm not fat…I'm just big-boned, is all.
They exchange salutes, and the Colonel exists. Fred's smile suddenly turns to a glare.
Fred: I aughta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer, Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing-Our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize-Our-Scottish-Independence! AND A TIC-TAC WOULDN'T KILL YA, EITHER!
Fred begins to play his bagpipes. A white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. The other soldiers collapse to the floor, unconscious.
Drilling a tiny hole in the ice holding Pyro, he pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe-like device, with an LED graph on the side.
Fred: …this looks soooo wrong….
He places it at Pyro's navel and begins to drain the MOJO.
The scene switches to Pyro driving in modern traffic, drinking a Starbucks' coffee and listening to the in-dash CD player.
Pyro: *singing along* Burn, baby, burn! Disco Inferno! Burn, baby, burn!
Suddenly, he droops. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge reads EMPTY.
Pyro: Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny…I just filled the Shaguar up this morning.
He hits a button on the dashboard, activating the picture phone.
Xavier—wearing a VERY fake, cheesy toupee—appears on the screen.
Xavier: Hello. I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence.
Pyro: No shit, Sherlock. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened. I've run out of petrol.
Xavier: We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon?
Pyro: Vanesa tried to kill me! She was a Febot!
Xavier: Ah, yes. Sadly, we knew all along.
Pyro: …and it didn't occur to you to tell me?!
Xavier: Hindsight's always a gift. Moving on, let's discuss your new case.
Pyro: New case? Very shagadelic, Basil!
Xavier: You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is an ex-KGB agent selling top-secret material to the highest bidder.
Pyro: That sounds easy enough. You know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man!
Scene changes to inside a ski lodge. Pyro sets up his photo equipment as we look around the room. It is decorated in classic Hugh Heffner-style: bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire…etc.
Pyro looks around.
Pyro: Tres chic, baby.
Ray, the photo assistant, enters.
Ray: Austin, the models are ready.
Pyro: Ta, Reg. Bless your polyester socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies.
Ray: …I don't know what they told you, but it isn't true! I swear!
Pyro: Chill, man. I, for one, enjoy making models!
It's at that moment the models make their entrance. Two of them, Jubilee and X23, are "real" supermodels…quickly followed by Tabby.
Ray: *drooling slightly* Huzzuh…
Pyro: Pull yourself together, mate.
The girls all circle Pyro as if he were a celebrity.
Girls: It's him! Oh, my God! It's Austin Powers!
Pyro shoots Ray a look that says 'still got it, baby.'
Pyro: One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time!
Jubilee steps forward.
Jubilee: Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Pyro: Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure." We just met, baby, yeah!
Jubilee glares and slaps him across the face for the remark, storming off.
Pyro: Little firecracker, that one.
~*rimshot*~
Pyro: *looks around* Where'd that come from?
X23 steps forward. However, she seems a bit more out-of-place and unfamiliar with her surroundings.
X23: How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca. Your equipment is quite impressive.
Pyro: Thank you. Your breasts are amazing.
X23: You do realize I could gut you like a fish in less than half a second?
Pyro: Yes, ma'am.
Austin then comes upon the "unknown" Tabby. She, quite obviously, stands out from the other two.
Pyro: And what's your name, baby?
Tabby: *thick, Russian accent* Ivana Humpalot.
Pyro: …come again?
Tabby: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.
Pyro: And I "vanna" toilet made of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards, now is it?
Pyro looks over the three girls, trying to decide who is the spy.
Pyro: *in-thought* Now, which one is the Rusian spy? Cindy Crawford…Rebecca Romajin…or Ivana Humpalot? This is gonna be a toughie…
He begins snapping pictures.
Pyro: All right, baby! Love it! Now, turn and pout for me!
Jubilee and Tabby put on pouty faces. X23 just kinda stands there, glaring.
Pyro: Smashing!
Jubilee gets on all fours.
Pyro: Great, darling. Give me some shoulder…yes, yes, yes—NO! NO!
We wee a full-frame cover of Vogue…including Jubilee with her head framed out.
Pyro then focuses on X23…who continues to stand there, glaring. Her arms are folded across her chest.
Pyro: Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger! Be a tiger, baby!
X23: Don't encourage me.
Pyro: Er…okay…now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur.
Her glare is now replaced with a look of confusion.
X23: A lemur?
Pyro: A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon, baby, you know…like this!
He tries to imitate a lemur.
Pyro: Okay, predator coming! Now burrow…burrow! You're a lemur! It's all you've got.
He pauses, realizing that she's looking at him like he's crazier than usual.
Pyro: I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing!
We see a full-frame of X23 on the cover of National Geographic.
Pyro: And…done! I'm spent!
Pyro throws the camera to Ray, who catches it.
Ray: Hel-lo? You forgot about Ivana.
Pyro: I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session.'
Ray starts to protest violently, but X23 and Jubilee drag him out of the room, leaving Pyro and Tabby alone. Pyro clasp twice, and the lights dim. He claps again…and nothing happens. Shrugging, he waves one hand and the fire goes up.
Pyro: I love my powers.
"I'm Never Going to Fall in Love Again," by Burt Bacharach plays in the background.
Tabby: Are you cold, Mr. Powers?
Pyro: I once had a bad experience with frostbite. Had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter.
Tabby: That's…interesting…
She pauses for a moment, thinking over what he just said, then shakes it off and moves over to a chessboard set up nearby.
Tabby: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Pyro: I can guess.
Tabby: We play chess.
Pyro: …I guessed wrong.
Tabby: It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you?
Pyro: …they wear larger hats?
Tabby: No. They make better lovers.
Pyro: Wrong again.
Tabby starts playing with the chess pieces very seductively.
Tabby: I assume you know how to play.
She teasingly runs the bishop across her lips.
Pyro: *stuttering slightly* Of course. The…horsey…moves in an L-shape.
He tries to regain himself and mimic her movements…accidentally choking on a chess piece. After he coughs it out, he stands up.
Pyro: Let's stop playing games with each other…especially difficult ones. My brain hurts enough already. May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot?
Tabby: Fire away.
~*rimshot*~
Pyro: *looks around* Where is that coming from?
Tabby: You were saying?
With a grin, he makes a running jump for the polar bear rug.
Pyro: Do I make you randy, baby? Do I?
Tabby joins him.
Tabby: Yes! I'll tell you anything you want to know…just make love to me!
Pyro: I love being the star.
She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair.
Tabby: *gasps in delight* You are hairy, like animal!
Pyro: Grr, baby, Grr!
Tabby: Make love you me, monkey man!
Pyro: …okay.
The scene briefly switches back to Freddie as he draws the last of the MOJO into the tube. The LED meter goes from RED to GREEN, indicating FULL MOJO. He holds it up, observing the purple liquid.
Fred: Looks kinda like grape juice to me.
We pan around the room with Pyro and Tabby, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife. It's almost as if they're watching. Suddenly, the camera stops. So does the music.
The two of them are in-bed, though fully clothed, and Pyro has lipstick all over his face. He sits up abruptly.
Tabby: What's the matter?!
Somewhere, a tall flower wilts and bends over. A soufflé falls. A flag is lowered to half-mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period is shown.
Pyro directly faces the camera, a look of horror on his face.
Pyro: Crikey! I've lost my mojo!
~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~
* * * * *
I hope you all don't mind the chapters are going to be kept pretty short. The movie itself is very choppy, moving rapidly from one scene to the next, so it's much easier to stick to 7 or 8 pages per upload.
Besides…as you can tell, it makes for more frequent updates!
R+R. All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the character's themselves.