Okay, Dean—

Sergeant Pepper to you.

Okay, okay, Sergeant Pepper, just—just fill out the form, okay?

Is Seamus doing it too?

Yup.

What about Padma?

She will eventually, yes.

Okay, no problem.

~~~

1) What is your name? Dean Thomas, Sergeant Pepper to you.

2) What is your address? A cardboard box behind the convenience store at 34th and Main.

3) What is your hair colour? Black

4) What is your eye colour? Black

5) What is your other eye colour? Black

6) What is your quest? To seek the Holy Grail

7) What is your favourite colour? Black

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Nine meters/second/second

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way? It expires next Tuesday.

10) What was the name of the princess? Zoot

11) Who was King Arthur? A real stupid king

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg? Do it yourself, you lazy turd.

13) How many fingers am I holding up? Three

14) What is the square root of twenty-five? Public education

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill? Nixon's

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? Last Thursday

17) How many goats have stood for parliament? A gaggle

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they? No

19) Is this a trick question? Yes, but then this might be a trick answer, so choose carefully.

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden? Yes

21) Have you ever been to Sweden? No

22) Do you know why God created Sweden? No

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit? Yes!!!

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually… Become head of the studio. I'm starting to enjoy this.

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce? Yes, actually. I met five of them in a bar one night.

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce? Yes, but I really don't give a crap what my mother thinks.

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar— They would meet a boy named Dean Thomas—Sergeant Pepper to you—and commit mass suicide by jumping off the Tallahassee Bridge.

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE. Oh, you weren't serious.

28) Are you wearing underwear? Yeah, but only under duress. If I had my way, I wouldn't be wearing underwear—or anything else, for that matter. And I'd be in bed with Padma Patil. Mmmm…Padma…

29) What colour is it? What, Padma? Oh, my underwear…white.

30) What type is it? Thong

31) Will you send it to me? Sure, once I'm in bed with Padma.

32) Is it edible? I wouldn't.

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. Why?

33) Do you have a modem? Wait-a-minute, did I actually write all that stuff about being in bed with Padma? Oh, God!

That's not an answer to the question. Honestly, I was beginning to hope you'd be different than the rest…

Of course I have a modem! Who doesn't?

34) Is it wearing underwear? Probably. Mum has a really odd sense of humour.

35) What was the answer to question eleven? L

36) What is today? You mean there's a date for today?

37) Where did you get this questionnaire? Family member

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time? Yes! That game RULES!!!

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it? Life, what life?

40) Is this question redundant? Nope

41) Is this question redundant? Not yet

42) Is this question redundant? No, but you're pretty close.

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying? No.

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying? Of course not! If the question is redundant, you know what to answer for it!

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy? You have beautiful thighs, baby.

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear? Wazzle um wakka dakka de neer.

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place? I like you as a friend.

48) What have I got in my pocket? A magic ring stolen from another story.

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should. You're probably right.