Ugh. This week has been crazy! Between the quarter ending on Friday for grades…Leader of the Pack rehearsals at least three nights a week…not to mention college applications (those should be done by Monday, at the latest), it's no wonder it took me this long to update!
Well, like I said, here's the next installment…featuring some scenes that actually look familiar! Not word-for-word, mind you…but at least faintly similar to what happened on the screen.
**Primary Colors update: Well…it looks like my laptop has finally won the war. *sigh* What does that mean? It means I have to type the whole damn thing all over again…all 12+ pages! I think I'm gonna cry….
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REVIEWS
(wow…I can't believe how many reviews I've gotten since I uploaded chapter 6! I can't even retype 'em out anymore, or the REVIEWS section would be longer than the actual fic! ^_^')
todd fan
Pyro: I'M NOT IMPOTENT! I'M FULLY FUNCTIONAL, THANK-YOU-VERY-MUCH! *fumes*
Lance: …did not need to hear that.
The Son of Logan and Ororo
Todd: They have a son?
Magneto: I highly doubt that's going to happen, because it would mean DragonBlond'd actually have to do Goldmember.
Evan: Why would Auntie O be…oh, wait. Never mind. I get it.
Daheim
Lance: Don't feel bad. I know a few people who don't even have ADD, and stuff still goes right over their heads.
Wanda: You mean three-fifths the Brotherhood?
Lance: Well, I wasn't going to mention any names…
ASGT and Kat Maximoff
Magneto: Ack! Don't tell me I have another one!
Xavier: Which asylum did you stick her in, Magnus?
Magneto: You know…you're not really in any position to be giving me parenting advice, Charles.
Remy: Watching the movie won't help, mes amis…believe me.
Pyromanaic1
Wanda: Don't get too excited. They're very brief scenes.
Pyro: *reads the part about him being secretly sane* I've never been so insulted in all my life! Humph!
Mystique: It is a completely different movie…but the excuse she's giving us is that it's a first-version draft. Not surprising, considering some of the stuff in here would probably push an R rating, let along PG-13.
Forge: Trust me, the laptop is dead and buried. Even I couldn't fix it.
The Resident Psychopath
Lance: Y'know…Wanda and Pyro might be giving you a run for your title pretty soon.
SSJ Tokya
Agatha: Many people are humbled by my superior knowledge. It is the way of life.
Morlocks: Ahhhhhhhh!
Agatha: I told you to stop doing that already!
Rurouni Tyriel
Evan: I think Ryo had something to do with the "hussy" comment. She doesn't like Callisto for some reason. Not sure why, though…
Pietro: I'm loved! Huzzah! *holds up mirror and smiles in it*
Magneto: …this is my clone?
X23: *beats the reviewer within an inch of his life and returns to the set*
RahneMan
Pyro & Lance: Ahhhhhhh! *run away in fear* It's loose!
Gifted Empress
Todd: I DON'T! Where do people get the idea that they'd actually make a good pair, HMM? TELL ME!
Lance: Whoa…easy there, pal.
Pyro: *perks up* Fire?
ASGT
Remy: Actually…the resemblance was pretty close. She looked like just like Rogue…'cept for the blonde, of course.
Fire Raven3
Callisto: Don't bother. We gave up a long time ago trying to figure out what she was saying.
Agatha: Confucius once say, "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Caliban: Right…sssssure he did…
Agatha: Don't mock me, snake boy.
Mysfit Chyld
Pietro: *grinning* One at a time, please…you'll all get your chance to worship me soon enough.
Fred: Is it just me, or do I not get to talk much?
MoonlightPhoenix3
Wanda: Trust me, I'm not too fond of that thing, either.
* * * * *
Back at Magneto's evil laid, Fred walks into the room, carrying the bottle of mojo. He is obviously moody and glares at anyone who gets on his bad side.
Magneto: Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo?
Fred: First things first…where's my money?
Magneto: Right. Bring in the money!
Pietro enters the room backwards, dragging a suitcase almost as big as he is.
Pietro: Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney…heheheheheheehehehehe!
Mystique: I could've sworn the midget was supposed to be a mute…
Fred, meanwhile, stares at Pietro hungrily. Wait…maybe I should rephrase that….
Fred: Holy, shit, he's tiny. In fact…he kinda looks like a baby!
Pietro: I do not like where this is going.
Fred: Hey, Evil! I'll make a deal with you. You keep your money and your mojo…and I get your baby!
Pietro gulps nervously and hides behind his dad. Magneto gives Fred an odd look.
Fred: *sings softly* I want my baby back-baby back-baby back…ribs. I want my baby back-baby back…
Magneto: All right, enough of this…Mini-Maggie, fetch!
Pietro zips over to Fred, grabs the mojo from his hands, and zips back over to Magneto before the boy can do anything about it. Magneto takes the mojo, caressing it gently before placing it on a specially prepared pedestal.
Remy enters the room.
Remy: Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the Sixties. One of our best assassins spotted him, but he got away.
Magneto: This is ri-goddam-diculous. We have his mojo!
Remy: There is another with him. A Miss Felicity Shagwell, CIA.
Suddenly, the time portal is activated and Todd pops though.
Todd: Heeeere's Scottie!
Magneto: Scott, what are you doing here?
Todd: I don't know. I was sitting around, watching the tube…minding my own business, I swear! Anyways, The Courtship of Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song—
He tries to hum the theme song…but realizes neither he nor the Author knows it.
Todd: Er…you know the one. Anyway, it make me think that maybe we could try and work things out. You know…you are my Dad and I need you.
Magneto: You had your chance, Scott. Besides, I already have someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
He looks around for Pietro, who has suddenly vanished.
Magneto: Mini-Maggie! Has anyone seen Mini-Maggie? *calls out* Mini-Maggie…Mini-Mouse…Mini-Driver…Hello!? Can we put a frickin' bell on him, or something?!
A very hurt Todd sits back in his chair and sulks. Magneto hits a button, and a model moon and earth appear.
Magneto: Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Allow me to demonstrate…
There is a pause.
Magneto: …dude, where's my laser?
He looks around and sees Pietro gnawing on the model laser a few feet away. Groaning at the fact that he has to get up, he takes it from his mini-clone's mouth.
Magneto: Mini-Maggie, don't chew my laser. I thought you went through the teething stage already.
Pietro: Seventeen. Wisdom Teeth.
Magneto: Oh…carry on…
He hands him the laser again, reaches behind his chair, and pulls out another model laser.
Magneto: Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a… "Death Star."
He uses air quotations as he says this. Pietro briefly looks up from his gnawing to mimic him.
Todd snickers.
Magneto: …what?
Todd: Nothing, Darth.
Magneto: What did you call me?
Todd: Nothing. *pretends to sneeze* rip-off!
Magneto stares at him, unsure.
Magneto: Bless you? Anyways, since my "Death Star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons, I thought we'd name it in his honor—the Alan Parsons Project.
Todd snickers again.
Magneto: Oh, for the love of—what now?
Todd: The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982.
Magneto: Well, technically this movie is taking place in 1969, so that would mean they're coping off of me, now wouldn't it.
Todd: No, because the movie was MADE in the late nineties. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung? …ass.
Magneto indicates to the laser.
Magneto: When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want, mister. Until then…leave Daddy to his business, hmm?
Todd: Whatever.
Magneto: *to room* Gentlemen…allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser!
Mystique: Um…don't you want to contact the White House and other world leaders, sir?
Magneto: Not until I test this thing…now FIRE!
A screen appears, with images of the laser beam smashing through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode.
Everyone gasps at the sight.
Remy: My God, Dr. Evil! You destroy the White House with no warning!
Magneto: Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you think, Scott?
Todd: *sarcastically* Yeah. Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive. Or was it Olson Twins? …Hilton Sisters?
Magneto: Shhhh!
Todd: I'm nineteen years old. I don't—
Magneto: Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh-Shh! It's morse code.
He pretends to read from an imaginary piece of paper.
Magneto: Le me decipher…it says 'shhhhh!'
Todd: You are so lame—
Magneto: How many times do I have to SHH you before you shut up?!
Todd: I dunno. Wanna try?
Remy: Dr. Evil, I hate to break-up the father-son bonding moment here…but what are you going to do about Austin Powers?
Magneto: Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. Take care of it.
Fred: It'll be my pleasure…
He walks out of the room, singing the baby-back ribs song. Pietro hides behind the model laser.
Magneto: It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be…powerless!
He is greeted with silence. A cricket chirps somewhere.
Magneto: Oh, work with me, people. I've heard you chuckle at Avalanche's stupid rock puns, for Heaven's sake!
The scene switches back to Pyro's shag-pad. A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe and polkadot, is in full swing.
We briefly see Jean dancing in an oversized birdcage.
Wanda: *whispers* How long before we tell the redhead that we lost the keys.
Pyro: *grins* Wait 'till she actually wants to get out. Those martinis she drank should last her another hour at least.
The following numbers of sequence shots are very choppy, occurring very quickly from one to the next.
Pyro sees a VERY PREGNANT Rahne—with a pillow obviously shoved under her shirt—smoking from one of those prop cigars left over from "Whodunit" and sipping her own martini. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her.
Rahne: Hey!
Pyro: You'll thank me later, baby.
Cut to another angle, where Wanda and Pyro are dancing together on the floor. Pyro turns his head and notices somebody.
Pyro: Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you?
We see Roberto, smoking a hukka on a round chair.
Roberto: Hello, Austin! "Balls," said the queen, and the king laughed because he had to.
Pyro turns to the camera.
Pyro: Crazy, man!
Wanda: Let's split up and scope the scene.
Pyro: Don't do anything I wouldn't do…at least not without me.
Wanda slaps him in the butt as he walks off.
Pyro: Eep!
Cut to a scene of Pyro sitting at the bar next to Ryo…who is dressed as an exotic-looking mod chick.
Pyro: You're very exotic, baby.
Ryo: I think it comes from being part Asian.
Pyro: Do you have a little English in you?
Ryo: No.
Pyro: Would you like to?
Cut to…Sam, pretending to be an Alan Zeus-type *very* gay guy.
Sam: *rolls his eyes* This is ridiculous!
Cut briefly back to…an image of Pyro lying dazed on the floor, his check red from where Ryo smacked him.
Pyro: I think she likes me; I'm still conscious.
Cut to Pete Wisdom, a London cop, and Wanda sitting on hanging chairs.
Wanda: DragonBlond's really desperate for characters, isn't she?
Wisdom: I'll say. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Wanda: No, but I bet it really hurts.
Cut to…ex-Principal Kelley, wearing a raincoat and riding a tricycle, shot undercranked, riding through the party before he falls over.
Pyro pops up with a book reading, "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY."
Pyro: The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty.
Cut to…Tabby, dressed as an Eskimo in a fur parka, over by the bar.
Tabby: *to camera* I don't get it.
Cut to…a camera panning up of Wanda's cool hip-huggers, which are *very* tight.
Pyro: Those are skintight! How do you get into those pants, baby?
Wanda: Well, you can start by buying me a drink.
Pyro does a double take.
Cut to…Wanda standing next to Poitr (Colossus), in his regular form, wearing a Viking's hat.
Poitr: *blushing slightly* You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor.
Wanda: You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit!
Poitr blushes even harder.
Cut to…Pyro, wearing a silly, spiked German helmet…kinda like in Hogan's Heroes.
Logan: *pops up* Somebody call me?
Pyro: She said Hogan, not Logan.
Logan: Oh. Okay. *disappears from view*
Pyro: *cheesy German accent* Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night, I had German-Chinese food. An hour later, I was hungry—for power!
We briefly see Jubilee and Kurt off to one side, shaking their heads.
Sam: Oh, puh-leez…why don't you take a handful of F-off pills?
Cut to…Pyro and Wanda back on the dance floor together.
Pyro: Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married?
Wanda: Yeah. I heard she broke it off.
Pyro does another double take at her.
Cut to…Kurt, pretending to be Artie Johnson in a German helmet behind a plant.
Kurt does a double take as he sees the plant.
Kurt: Ahhh! It's AUDREY II!
He runs away, screaming.
Cut to…Pyro taking of his glasses to clean them. We briefly see things in his POV, which is completely fuzzy. He looks and sees what appears to be a nude girl: two round globes and a dark triangle.
Pyro excitedly puts on the glasses and looks again. To his dismay, it's only Risty (y'know…Mystique's teenage alter-ego) in a flesh-colored dress. Between him and her are two completely bald men—namely, Xavier and Caliban—and a triangular martini glass filled with Cosmopolitan.
Cut to…Pyro and Wanda, together again.
Wanda: Look at that.
She points to where Fat Bastard and Amanda, his date for the evening, are standing.
Pyro: That is not a pretty sight. Who is he?
Wanda: Until recently, he worked security for the MOD…but we think he might be a double agent, possible for Dr. Evil.
Pyro: How do you know?
Wanda: We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with pretty girls who enjoy his company, and he's become quite a fixture on the London party circuit.
Pyro: Hmm…sounds suspicious. Who's the girl?
Wanda: Don't tell me you're checking her out.
Pyro: No, ma'am. Purely case-related.
Wanda: Well, I don't know…but it looks like he's splitting.
Fred exits.
Wanda: I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll rendezvous later.
Wanda follows Fred out the door as Pyro makes his way over to Amanda.
Pyro: Hello, hello.
Amanda: Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party.
Pyro: Who are you today, baby?
Amanda: Robin. Robin Swallows.
Pyro: Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English?
Amanda: German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz.
Pyro: Well, which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure.
Amanda: The pleasure is mine.
She extends her hand, which Pyro takes. As they shake hands, Kurt runs by them, still screaming about evil plants trying to take over the world.
Pyro: Is this another one of DragonBlond's pathetic attempts at fic plugs?
Amanda: Probably.
Pyro: That's what I figured. So, who was your friend?
Amanda: His name is Fat Bastard.
Pyro: Nice name for you to call a friend.
Amanda: He's my…er…lover.
She winces noticeably as she says this. Kurt runs by screaming again, this time in the opposite direction.
Pyro: Whatever floats your boat, luv. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil?
Amanda: I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
Pyro: Really? I said Mister Evil.
He does a smug take.
Pyro: Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper?
Amanda: Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper.
Pyro: Really? I said Mister Pepper.
He does another smug take. Amanda glares suddenly and grabs him by the collar.
Amanda: You know, I'm really a gypsy sorceress in disguise. Don't make me use you for a guinea pig.
Pyro: Oh, behave!
* * * * *
Whew! That was actually a long one! Next time…we see what Wanda and Fred are "up" to. *snickers*
R+R. All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.