Whew…what a week. On the plus side, I finally got all my college apps. In. YAY! On the downside, starting Monday, I have rehearsals five days a week from 6-9 for Leader of the Pack. Doh!
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REVIEWS
MoonlightPhoenix3
Lance: She never does anything people tell her to do.
Pietro: It fits and it's funny.
Remy: With luck, Chere's far…far away from here…*motions towards Belladonna*
SSJ Tokya
Wanda: *twitching slightly* No. I didn't.
Fred: I probably should be offended…but I'm not. Oh, well. Anybody seen the turkey legs?
Vision: Few people have heard of me. Trust me…it's a loooong story….
Amanda: I can tell you right now; Wanda and Kurt do NOT get married. That must've been a fanfiction of something.
todd fan
Pyro: God bless us, everyone.
Wanda: That was cheesy.
Rurouni Tyriel
Jubilee: I dunno…I liked the He-bots.
Girls: *nod in agreement*
Ray: …there's a plot to this thing?
Magneto/Xavier: *shrug*
Madelyn: Actually…she reincarnated me from the time before I got my powers. Sorry, pal.
ASGT
Ryo: That wouldn't, by any chance, be Moonfairy2000, would it? She had a very large, bloodstained stick.
RahneMan
Pyro: *hides behind Wanda*
Wanda: *rolls her eyes*
Lance: …he's got the right idea, actually.
* * * * * *
We see the Wanda and Pyro shadows again outside the tent. This time, it looks like Wanda's putting things back into his ass.
Wanda: Do you want everything to go back in?
Pyro: Yes. Listen, Felicity…about Fat Bastard—
Wanda: It's my job, Austin. You—of all people—should understand that. Marakesh, 1962. Rome, 1964. Tokyo, 1966. I know your record backwards and forwards.
Pyro: Are you stalking me?
Wanda: "Stalking" is such an ugly word…
There is a pause.
Wanda: Yes.
The shadow of Wanda tries to cram the tennis racket into what appears to be the shadow of Pyro's ass.
Pyro: You're right, Felicity, I can't deny it. But the world changed, and I changed too.
Pull back to reveal the Vision He-bots watching them. Wanda shoves the tennis racket extra hard just as Pyro stands up abruptly
Pyro: Ow!
Wanda: Are you okay?
Pyro: My back hurts. I'm fine. Just keep packing.
The Vision He-bots looks at one another, shrug their shoulders, and march towards the tent.
Back in the lair, we see Magneto, Fred, Todd, Remy, and Mystique all seated.
Fred: Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.
Todd: He who smelt it, dealt it.
Fred: I may be kind-hearted in reality, but I will sit on you if you don't shut up.
Magneto: It's the volcanic sumptuous emissions. We've put up some air fresheners.
Fred: Hate to tell you this, but…not working.
Remy: Dr. Evil, the laser has been loaded into the rocket. You're ready for launch.
Magneto: I'm just waiting to taunt my nemesis. So few pleasures, remember?
As if on cue, Pyro and Wanda are brought in at gunpoint by the HYDRA soldiers.
Magneto: Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell…welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.
Pyro: We meet again, Dr. Evil.
Magneto: Yes. The only reason I'm keeping you alive, you know, is so you can feel the agony of watching my plan unfold.
Pyro: You mean just before I stop you?
Magneto: Ye—NO!
Pyro: Dr. Evil, your plan will never…
He trails off as he spots the MOJO in the beaker behind Dr. Evil.
Pyro: Fred was right. It does look like grape juice.
Magneto: *casually* Oh, is that yours?
Pyro: My mojo!
Magneto: You know what they say: finders keepers, losers weepers.
Wanda: Dr. Evil, do you like real estate?
Magneto: Of course. Why?
Wanda kicks him in the balls.
Wanda: Now you've got a couple of "achers."
Magneto keels over in pain.
Pyro: Feel better?
Wanda: Actually, yes. I've been wanting to do that since I was eight.
Magneto: Feisty temper. Gets it from her mother…
Pyro winces.
Pyro: I don't care if he is evil; you don't give a man a shot in the pills. It's just not cricket, baby.
Wanda: I'm sorry…did you want a shot at him?
Pyro: Well, no use seeing as you already did
Remy: [v/o] Is it just me, or does DragonBlond always kick a guy's nuts in her parodies?
Magneto: *in pain* Not…just…you…
He manages to stand up enough to shout orders.
Magneto: Take them away!
The HYDRA soldiers lead Pyro and Wanda away.
Todd: She just hoofed you in the sack and you're going to leave them alone in a jail cell with one inept guard? They'll escape, dipshit. You do this every time!
Magneto: You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, young man.
Todd: You don't own me!
Magneto pulls out a piece of paper.
Magneto: I do actually. Usually, it's illegal, but this buddy of mine…well, you get the picture.
Todd: There are child abuse laws, you know!
Magneto: Not in this decade.
Todd: …crap.
Magneto: Fat Bastard, I've leaving you in charge. I'm going up to the moon to hold the world ransom with my giant laser. I shouldn't be long.
Fred: What about Powers?
Magneto: He's tucked away safely in his cell. He's harmless without that mojo. Guard it with your life. Frau, begin the countdown.
Mystique nods and gets ready to count as Magneto and Pietro—both suddenly dressed in space-suits—climb into the rocket and the door closes.
Mystique: FIVE…FOUR…THREE…
Unfortunately, Magneto is not ready yet.
Magneto: Whoa! That's a little too quick for me. Try counting back from thirty, okay?
Mystique nods.
Mystique: THIRTY…TWENTY-NINE…TWENTY-EIGHT…TWENTY-SEVEN…
Magneto and Pietro hop into the rocket as the door slowly closes.
Mystique: …TWENTY FIVE…TWENTY FOUR…TWENTY THREE…
Sitting inside, Magneto checks his watch.
Mystique: …TWENTY ONE…TWENTY…NINETEEN…EIGHTEEN…
The door hatch opens and Magneto pops his head out.
Magneto: Tell you what. When the doors close, say "GO." Okay?
Mystique nods. Magneto sits back down, and the doors slowly close.
Mystique: GO!
The rocket enters space, appearing on a NORAD tracking screen. It has the silhouette of a flying…er…member.
Cut to…inside the tracking station.
Talbot: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel Ross: What is it, son?! Is it the Hulk?!
Talbot: Not this time, sir.
Colonel Ross: Then what is it?
Talbot: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant—
Cut to…a scene of Nightwing and Batman flying in the Batmobile.
Batman: —Dick!
Nightwing: Yes?
Batman: Take a look out of starboard.
He does so, eyes going wide.
Nightwing: Oh, my God…it looks like a huge—
Cut to…Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson, birdwatching in the woods.
Peter: —Pecker!
Mary Jane: Where?
Peter raises his binoculars.
Peter: Over there. A rare red-billed woodpecker!
As he looks though, he sees something else.
Peter: What sort of bird is that? …oh, goodness. It's not a bird, it's—
Cut to…Nick Fury, standing in front of a line of soldiers at an Army base.
Nick: —Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with—
Cut to…a baseball diamond, where Charlie Brown and co. are in the middle of a game.
Umpire: BWAH-BWAH! BWAH-BWAH! [translation: Two balls! No strikes.]
He looks up.
Umpire: BWAH-BWAH-BWAH-BWAH-BWAH— [translation: What is that? It looks just like an enormous—]
Cut to…the radar room again.
General Ross: Johnson!
Talbot: That's Talbot, sir.
Colonel Ross: Whatever. Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Pyro and Wanda are in a bare cell with cement walls and floors. The huge metal door has a window with bars in it.
Pyro: …wasn't there supposed to be a fiery-pit beneath us?
Wanda: Come one. You gotta give them some credit.
Pyro: Aww….
Wanda: How are we going to get out of here?
Pyro folds his arms, obviously in a bad mood.
Pyro: I dunno. Why don't you just shag Far Bastard again? I'm sure he'd love to tell you.
At this, Wanda explodes. Literally. A few lights in the hallway crack and even more burst.
Wanda: That's it! I don't know what happened to you in the nineties, but I'm still here in the sixties, and I still swing! Don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just because you lost your mojo!
That one hurts.
Pyro: Ouch, baby, very ouch. I'm wounded.
Wanda: I'm sorry, Austin. That was a cheap shot.
Pyro: No, baby, you're right. I was wrong to judge you. I guess I am…jealous.
Wanda: Well, as long as you're willing to admit it.
Wanda…
Wanda: *sigh* Fine. But the Austin Powers I knew was wild and crazy and free. He could never be jealous.
Pyro: That Austin is gone. I've changed. I knew someone, not very long ago. A very special woman. She taught me that life isn't about jumping into the sack with whoever comes along. It's about caring and responsibility. And while it is true she turned out to be an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil—which completely ruins the entire continuity of the first movie—I suppose I really did…love her.
Amara: *off-stage* And then you blew me up.
Pyro: Well, that too.
Wanda: Was that your wife?
Pyro: Yes. Vanessa.
Wanda is touched.
Wanda: Listen, Austin. I can't pretend to understand everything you've gone through…but I trust you. I'll make you a deal; if we get out of here alive, I'll give monogamy a try.
Pyro: With me?
Wanda grins slyly.
Wanda: I dunno…that Russian in the Viking hat was awfully cute…
Pyro: WHAT?!
She laughs.
Wanda: Just kidding. Of course I mean you, silly!
Pyro: Groovy, baby!
They kiss. All together now: "aww!"
Wanda: We need to lure the guard inside and get the key.
Pyro: All right…what if I pretend to be desperate ill with food poisoning? The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, will come to investigate. Meanwhile, you dig a pit and line it with makeshift punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, and we've got the key. What do you think?
Wanda: …Iceman's my uncle?
Pyro: I mean about the plan.
Wanda: Oh! That might work…but how about this?
Wanda charges towards the window in the door, her back to the camera. She opens her blouse, flashing the guard.
Wanda: *seductively* What do you think of these, my man?
Outside the cell, we see a very mesmerized Arcade.
Arcade: Mommy…
He unlocks the door and enters.
The cell appears empty. We see that Pyro is wedged, spread-eagle above the door, ready to pounce.
Wanda: It's very hot in here, don't you think?
Arcade follows her into the cell.
Wanda: *irrited* It's very hot in here, don't you think?
Arcade continues to advance.
Wanda: AUSTIN!
Pyro: I'm afraid I'm…firmly wedged up here for the moment. Can't seem to get down.
Wanda sighs in frustration.
Wanda: It you want something done right…
She punches the guard right in the face and he collapses.
Pyro: Almost…got it…
He finally comes loose…and falls flat on his face. But he pops up seconds later.
Pyro: Let's go get my mojo!
* * * * * *
…only a few more chapters 'till we reach the end, folks! With luck, I might be able to get there by the end of the weekend. *crosses fingers*
R+R. All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.