So, basically, I'm hiding up in my room today as mom runs all over the house trying to get ready for my brother's confirmation party. -_-() She's driving us nuts and won't stop bugging me about cleaning my room. Hey, if you can see the floor, it's clean enough!
There's only two or three chapters left, minna…we're nearing the end!
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REVIEWS
MoonlightPhoenix3
Ryo: It all started when she noticed the name "Dick" in the segment. Naturally, being a DC fan as well as Marvel…her first thought was of Nightwing. The rest just kinda fell into place.
Pyro/Wanda: *high five one another*
Wanda: Don't worry. I've got my guy right here. *motions to Pyro* God help me…
Rurouni Tyriel
Madelyne: You can't do anything to me 'cause technically, I'm not an Evo character…and therefore, only exist in DragonBlond's world. Ha!
Pyro: Oh, I'll keep up the good work, all right…along with other things.
Wanda: *smacks him* Pervert.
Ryo: Of course she's evil. I'm surprise you're just picking up on that now.
X23: Mmm…no.
Draco-luver
Lance: You've wasted two hours of your life reading this trash?!
Pietro: Just goes to show the intelligence level of her audience…then again, I am irresistibly cute.
Magneto: This soon enough for you?
ASGT
Xavier/Magneto: …
* * * * * *
Up in Magneto's evil moon base…we see a stark, steel girder and glass structure.
Magneto is trying to look all mighty and dignified. But it's kinda hard to do so when you're FLOATING AWAY. He grabs at the railing of his chair as his feet float up.
Magneto: Has anyone seen my gravity booties? Honestly, all I wanted was a frickin' moon base. Hello? We're on the moon—no gravity?
He calls out.
Magneto: Mini-Maggie? Are you all right?
Angle to the top of the room, where Pietro (Mini-Maggie) does a number of flips across the ceiling.
Pietro: WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Magneto: My frickin' mascot is floating around on the ceiling, okay? Not good. Papa not happy.
A couple of random HYDRA henchmen place boots on Magneto's feet. He drops to the floor.
Magneto: Somebody get the stick. Hold on, Mini-Maggie!
Pietro: *from above* WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Magneto rolls his eyes, then turns his attention to his microphone.
Magneto: Begin laser—
He is interrupted by terrible feedback. Tapping once on the mike, he tries again.
Magneto: Begin—
There's even worse feedback. He holds the microphone much farther away.
Magneto: Begin laser ignition sequence.
The laser's coils begin to glow red as a computerized voice speaks up:
Cerebro: Lunar. Alignment. In. Six. Hours.
Magneto: Wow…when she said she was using all the characters…she wasn't kidding….
Back in the volcano lair, Pyro and Wanda run into the main room. It is eerily dark and quiet.
Wanda: Where's you mojo, Austin?
Pyro: I'm not sure.
Suddenly, "It's Raining Men" by the Weathergirls starts playing. The lights dim. Three Vision He-Bots decend from the ceiling on trapeze and acrobatic rings, their muscles rippling.
Wanda: Oh, baby…
Pyro: Watch out, baby, He-Bots!
The He-Bots flip off their trapezes and land in unison, like a perfect Olympic dismount.
Pyro and Wanda each hold up a scorecard. Hers reads "10.0" but his reads ".001"
Suddenly, their crotch nozzles flip up, one by one. Pyro covers Wanda's eyes.
Pyro: I can't fight them without my mojo!
Wanda: *removes his hand from her eyes* Who said anything about fighting?
Very seductive music starts up.
Wanda does a very seductive dance, with hip thrusts…bumps…grinds…the works. One by one, the He-Bots explode as they succumb to her female mojo.
Wanda: Well…that's one way to ditch an Ex.
Pyro: Smashing, Felicity! You were making me very horny, man! Extremely randy, indeed!
Wanda grins proudly.
Fred: [v/o] C'mon…give the lads a show. Why not try taking off your top? Put 'em on the glass! Make 'em bounce!
The two of them turn to see Fred lurking in the background.
Pyro: Fat Bastard!
Fred: Looking for this, Mr. Powers?
He holds up the beaker, and is flanked by a dozen HYDRA soldiers.
Pyro: Give me back my mojo, Fat Bastard!
Fred: I give the orders, shit-for-brains. Guards, take them back to their cells!
The guards approach.
Wanda: Hold on. Let me ask you one question.
Fred: All right…I guess I owe you that much.
Wanda: Are you happy?
Fred: What kind of stupid-ass question is that? I'm rich, I'm employed, and I'm up to my armpits in clean stinky.
Wanda: You didn't answer my question. Are you happy?
Fred: It's about my girth, isn't it? I'm tellin' ya…I'm not really fat, I'm just big boned! Sure, I probably could lose a few pounds…but I could shiva git!
Wanda: Are you happy?
Fred: OF COURSE I'M NOT HAPPY!
Suddenly, Pietro zips onto the screen from out of nowhere, playing a sad tune on the violin.
Fred: Look at me! I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do! I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book. I've nay see ma willie in two years…that's enough time to declare it legally dead! I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy…and I'm unhappy because I eat.
He starts to cry.
Fred: I'm caught in a cycle and there's no escape!
Pyro: Well…maybe inside that Fat Bastard, there's a thin bastard, trying to get out.
Fred: Maybe there's a big crap inside me trying to get out, jack-ass!
The violin music comes to a screeching halt, and Pietro zips out of the scene before anyone realizes he was there.
Fred: Enough of your new-age aphorisms. Listen, I've run the gamut of self-help books. I'm so weak, I hate myself. I'm for shit. Here, take the mojo.
He hands over the bottle.
Fred: I appreciate you trying to reach me, but no one can do it for me. I know this now. There's a hole in my soul that food won't fill. This is the beginning of a new me. I'm gonna go to the gym everyday! Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I have to get in touch with and forgive: myself.
There is a pause as we hear a long, squeaky wind-breaking.
Fred: Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead.
Outside the lair, on the evil island, it is now daytime. We see Pyro and Wanda run up to the Beetle.
Pyro: Hold on. I've got something very important to do.
He drinks the mojo.
Pyro: Mmm…it is grape juice! Yummy.
Wanda: How do you feel?
Pyro: Sound as a pound. My spuds are boiling…fancy a shag?
Wanda: Austin, we don't have time.
Pyro: C'mon, luv. Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!
Wanda: Dr. Evil's taken his laser to the moon. The world's in danger!
Pyro: Right. The moon. I think I know someone who can give us a lift.
Cut to…Cape Canaveral, where the Apollo rocket looks ready for liftoff.
Beast: [v/o] There's been some sort of delay in the launch of Apollo 11, Walter, but we understand that America's first manned mission to the moon will be blasting off shortly.
Inside the capsule, we see both Pyro and Wanda in spacesuits. There is another astronaut standing next to them, wearing a helmet. The three are surrounded by hundreds of gauges, buttons, and meters.
Pyro: Gor blimey, you'd have to be a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out.
The astronaut flips up the visor of his helmet, revealing Forge.
Forge: I am a rocket scientist.
Pyro: Sweet.
The hatch begins to close, and we heard the Mission Commander (a.k.a. Kitty) begin the countdown.
Kitty: [v/o] We will have lift-off in T-minus ten seconds…nine…eight…seven…five…
Pyro: Whoa! What happened to six?
Kitty: [v/o] Just kidding.
The three inside the capsule groan at the obvious "Spaceballs" reference.
Pyro: Felicity, if you get frightened, just hold my hand.
Forge: What about me?! We've got Kitty sitting in front of the computer that controls this thing!
There is a pause as they realize what this means.
Cut to…am image of the rocket blasting off.
Pyro/Wanda/Forge: [v/o] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kitty: [v/o] Very funny. We have lift-off! Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading for a rendezvous with the moon.
Inside the capsule, Pyro is terrified. He clutches Wanda's hand, then grabs on to Forge, who is sitting on his other side.
Wanda: *yelling* Yaaaaaaa-hoooooo!
Wanda, on the other hand, loves it.
Back inside, with the NASA technicians, we see Xavier.
Xavier: Austin, you have achieved lunar orbit. How was that lift-off?
Cut to inside the rocket.
Pyro: To be honest, it was terrifying. It felt like sitting on top of a bomb. As I punched through the atmosphere, I said "Oh, my God!" and I'm not even that religious.
Xavier: *on com-link* Happens all the time in that situation.
Wanda: Basil, it was amazing!
Xavier: *on com-link* Prepare for moon landing. We only have on hour until Dr. Evil fires the laser!
The lunar module settles on the moon. No, I don't care if the time seemed too short…this is no time to be arguing Science!
Pyro: [v/o] Mission control, the swinger has landed!
Pyro and Wanda step outside in their spacesuits.
Pyro: This is one small step for man, but a giant step for shagging. Can you imagine it, baby? Weightlessness? The permutations are mind-boggling.
Wanda: Not now, Austin.
Pyro plants a UNION JACK on the moon.
Pyro: God Save the Queen.
Back in the control room, Kitty shakes her head.
Kitty: The Queen? This is an American show, goddammit! Let's roll that footage we shot last week in the studio.
A typical '60s American family gathers around the TV to watch Neil Armstrong's "real" moon landing.
* * * * * *
I'm in a very updating kinda mood this weekend…so look for the next chapter most likely some time this afternoon!
R+R. All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.