Mmm…still bored. Still trying to avoid doing actual chores. REALLY looking forward to this chapter. ^_~
**Primary Colors Update: Half done, minna! I only have two and a half scenes left to write before it's all set for posting…FINALLY!
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(From this point forward, I'm no longer answering reviews. It just takes up too much time. Plus, I know you really just want to get to
the actual fic anyway.)
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Magneto walks all the way around a tubular hallway—up the walls, across the ceiling, upside down and back again, settling into his chair. It's exactly like that shot in 2001 Space Odyssey.
Geez…with all these references, I'm starting to see why this script never made it to the big screen….
Magneto: Position the laser.
The laser shifts into place. An alarm goes off suddenly, and lights flash.
Cerebro: Warning! Laser. Calibration!
Magneto: Get me the President!
The screen flickers on. Trask is sitting in his chair, looking pissed-off as usual.
Magneto: Mr. President, your time is up. This is your last chance to pay 100 billion dollars, or see Washington D.C. destroyed.
Cerebro: Warning! Laser. Calibration!
The alarm continues to blare.
The scene switches to a split-screen, with Magneto on one side and Trask on the other.
Trask: What? I can't hear you.
Magneto: Pry me 100 billion dollars or see Washington D.C. destroyed!
The alarm blares.
Trask: I'm sorry, I just can't hear you.
Magneto: *louder* The Capital will be destroyed—
The alarm continues to blare.
Trask: Sorry! I just can't— I think it's that alarm.
Magneto: Could someone shut off that frickin' alarm? I'm trying to hold the free world hostage, here! Honestly….
He looks around the room for help, then turns back to the screen.
Magneto: I WILL DESTROY WASHINGTON DC UNLESS YOU PAY ME—
The alarm shuts off, but Magneto is still shouting.
Magneto: ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!
His yelling startles even himself.
Trask: Please, Dr. Evil, be reasonable. That's more money than is in the entire Federal Treasury!
Magneto: Oh well…I guess you have one minute to "show me the money"!
Trask: I still don't know what that means. I can't show you the money because we don't have the money!
Magneto: Then I suppose you're up shit's crick without a paddle.
We cut to inside the NASA control room, filled with a bank of old-fashioned computers and a tracking screen. Amidst the crowd of Generals, VIPS, and Mission Control Specialists, we see Xavier sitting nervously.
Xavier: Gentlemen, Austin has landed on the moon. We'll soon know whether he has succeeded…or whether the world will be destroyed.
In the hallway of Magneto's evil moon base, Pyro and Wanda enter through a hatch and step out of their spacesuits.
Wanda: Let's find Dr. Evil.
Suddenly, Pyro notices something.
Pyro: Shhh…
He points. We see a profile though a sheet of frosted glass. By the shape of the helmet and cape, it looks distinctively like Magneto, with a machine gun. Pyro takes careful aim and fires. We see the shadow take the hit and fall.
Wanda: Austin, you've done it! You got Dr. Evil!
Pyro: Of course I did, baby. I've got my mojo working overtime.
Wanda: Austin, I'm going ahead. Cover my rear!
Pyro: Now you're startin' to sound like me, luv.
Wanda runs ahead. Pyro runs over to where the shadow came from. He sees that it was not Magneto…but Mini-Maggie, Pietro, carrying a mini-machine gun.
Pyro is ashamed.
Pyro: Poor little bugger. He's so small…he's like a dog or something.
He chokes back a tear, then realizes something.
Pyro: Wait a second. Dr. Evil is still alive! Felicity!!!
He runs after her.
As soon as he is out of sight, Pietro opens one eye and grins.
Pietro: Sucker.
He gets up, dusts himself off, and zips out of there. His laughter echoes down the hallway.
Pietro: *echo* Hehehehehehehehehehehehe!
In the main room, Pyro rounds the corner and comes upon Magneto. He pulls his gun on the villain.
Pyro: All right, slap-head, turn around. Slowly.
Magneto: Aren't you…forgetting something?
A wall panel in the main chamber revolves, revealing Wanda enclosed in a glass tube.
Pyro: Felicity! What have you done to her?
Magneto: Don't worry, she's not dead…yet.
Wanda: *sarcastically* Ladies and Gentlemen…the father of the year!
Brightly colored gas starts to fill the glass chamber.
Wanda: Don't worry about me, Austin. You've got to save the world!
Magneto: It looks like you have a choice, Powers. Save the world…or save your girlfriend.
Pyro is torn. He looks back and forth between Wanda and the laser, which is on the other side of the room.
Pyro: I've got my mojo back, man. I can do both!
Magneto: We'll see. Fire the laser!
The woman manning the laser's joystick—namely, Ryo—begins to move it. Pyro leaps across the room and reaches her just in time.
Pyro: Hands off my joystick, baby.
He wrestles with her for a moment, surprised by her strength. The two of them knock it askew accidentally.
In space, the laser beam hits the Big Boy rocket right in the crock. The Big Boy's eyes cross in pain.
Remy: *off-stage* And again!
Hey, don't look at me…it's IN the script! *holds up script*
Back in the evil moon base…
Magneto: Damn you, Powers!
Magneto hits a SELF-DESTRUCT button. That stupid alarm starts blaring again.
Cerebro: Warning! Deafcon. 4. Sequence. Initiated.
Magneto: Why can't you just say "self-destruct" like all the computerized voices?
Cerebro: Don't. Make. Me. Come. Down. There.
The base is rocked by explosions.
Pyro: See, Dr. Evil? I told you I could do both.
Magneto: Perhaps you spoke too soon…
Pyro looks over. Wanda has slumped over in the tube.
Pyro: Noooooo!
He bangs furiously on the glass.
Pyro: Felicity! Felicity, wake up! Wake up! Please God, don't take her away.
It is too late. Magneto runs though the time portal and gets away.
Pyro: Felicity, you have to understand…I though I had my mojo back. This isn't fair….
Tears form in his eyes.
Pyro: I love you, Wa—er—Felicity! I know I couldn't say it before, but I really do love you!
If you look reeeeeeally closely, you can see Wanda blush at his Freudian slip.
Pyro: *enraged* Dr. Evil…I'll kill him!
Pyro starts to chase after him, but three private army men block his path. Fortunately, they're only Duncan and two of his football goons.
He charges the first soldier—a nameless Duncan flunky—and rips his heart out.
Pyro then turns to the second soldier—another nameless Duncan flunky—and rips his spine out. You know…all "Mortal Combat"-like. Told you there were a lot of references.
At this point, Duncan is pretty much scared shitless. Pyro swings both fists simultaneously, crushing his head…which explodes like a pumpkin.
Pyro: You know, if it weren't for the circumstances…I might have enjoyed that more.
He then runs to the time portal, which is set for 75 B.C." He runs though.
Somewhere in 75 B.C., in a Roman villa, we see Magneto…in a toga…with a laurel. Remy and Mastermind are feeding him grapes.
Mastermind: This was not in the job description.
Magneto: You make love to your wife out of duty…your mistress for pleasure…and a Roman boy for ecstasy.
Remy starts twitching.
Magneto notices Pyro.
Magneto: Shit.
He runs away as Pyro appears though the time portal. He then follows Magneto into another time portal.
Patrick Stewart, Halle Berry, Famke Jassen, James Marsden and Hugh Jackman are gathered in an office room.
Patrick Stewart: You'll be safe here from Magneto.
Hugh Jackman: What's a Magneto?
Just then, the time portal appears on one wall. Magneto and Pyro each run out of the portal, across the room, and into another time portal on the opposite wall.
Patrick Stewart: …that's a Magneto.
Somewhere, in the deep reaches of space, Pyro appears from the time portal just in time to see Magneto hoping into an escape pod. He runs across a familiar looking room, drawing stares from the entire cast, before hopping in the nearest pod and running after him.
Patrick Stewart, in a red and black spandex-y outfit, shakes his head.
Patrick Stewart: I just got the strangest Déjà vu feeling.
There is an escape-pod wash right in the middle of space, which is—of course—another time portal. Magneto disappears though it, quickly followed by Pyro.
Passengers in a period garb of the early nineteen hundreds walk past a lifesaver with the word "TITANIC" stenciled above it. Magneto comes running though a portal, with Pyro hot on his heels. Pun intended. Hehe.
The voice of the Captain Edward J. Smith rings out suddenly.
Bernard Hill: Iceberg, dead ahead!
Suddenly, the ship tilts at a radical angle. Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and James Cameron slide by.
James Cameron: I'm king of the world!
Leonardo DiCaprio: That's my line!
James Cameron: Shut up and look pretty so the fangirls swoon over you and buy more copies of the movie!
Pyro and Magneto both slide backwards—shaking their heads at the trio—and into the time portal they just came from.
In present day London, Pyro is still chasing Magneto on foot. In a slow-motion sequence, Pyro dives for a ridiculously long time and tackles Magneto, pinning him to the floor.
Pyro: I'm going to kill you, you bastard!
Magneto: Before you do that, know this: Austin, I am…your…father.
There is a dramatic fanfare as Pyro recoils in shock.
Pyro: Really?
Magneto: No. I can't back that up. I was just grasping at straws. I had nothing. But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers…you really have become a product of the nineties.
Pyro: How so?
Magneto: You're more interested in your job as glorified policeman than you are in love. You won the battle, but I won the war. Love means nothing, and you've proved it.
Pyro: I didn't think that Felicity was going to die.
Magneto: What a cowardly response. I'm disappointed really. You have the power to go back in time and save her…but it means letting me go.
Pyro looks over and sees another time portal. Though it, he can glimpse the lair and Wanda.
Magneto: Well, Mr. Powers…which is it going to be? Me or the girl?
Pyro: Felicity!
Without hesitation, he throws Magneto to the floor and runs through the portal.
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Stay tuned for the stunning and harrowing conclusion!
R+R. All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.