An A-Z of Reasons That The Monsters in LotR are Cool

By Mel and Rose G

A/N - Apologies for leaving this for so long but we've been busy. Gandalf and Boromir are coming soon, as is a hobbit one. But now, a celebration of Tolkien's monsters that no one loves, including some from Silmarillion and some from Unfinished Tales.

Arwen - The nearest example of a witch in LotR.

Balrog - these guys breathe flame! And kill Wizards! How great is that?

Curnir - Man of Skill. Where do you find one of those, if they really do exist?

Dragons - Powerful, rich, dangerous. And if you like pot holing, they'd be useful to have along.

Elves mutated into Orcs - Much more handsome than a certain blonde Elf with his hair in plaits, who sings and boasts about how great he is at shooting. More likely to register on the IQ scale as well.

Ferny - Alright, he isn't that cool but he did sell Bill to Sam, and he does sort of skulk around in the first book. People that skulk and lurk are interesting. (Mel - 'only to other dishonest Londoners who like to lurk in corners and plot about how to stitch people up.')

Gollum - You've got to admit, he's pretty funny in the film, and you have to feel sorry for him. (Mel - he still looks like Daniel, though and Rose fancies Daniel. Rose - no and NO!)

Haradrim - We can think of a few people who are less civilised than this bunch, but not anyone with a more impressive reputation for fighting. That can be useful at times.

Isildur's Bane - Made out of solid gold, with a personal inscription. Expensive and pretty. And it influences the whole story. And it turns Boromir insane. Hahahaha.

Khamul - First, see reasons for Nazgul. Then remember that he's their guv'nor. He just terrifies everyone and he had his own kingdom. For a little while, anyway.

Lord of the Ring - He gave his name to the greatest trilogy ever written. Talk about famous. And he ought to get paid loads in royalties.

Moria - It's important -Gandalf died there. It's dangerous - ditto. It's inhabited by a Balrog! It also frightens Elves.

Nazgul - What is it about men in black? And they terrify everyone, which can be very handy.

Orcs - If it wasn't for them taking Merry and Pippin, we would never have got a few chapters in Two Towers that are hobbit free. Thank you, Orcs!

Pharzon - Not quite a monster, but he was great and rich and brave. And nothing else fitted. And he was an ancestor of Aragorn.

Queen Beruthiel's cats - Probably the least known legend in Middle Earth, but black cats are pretty even if they do spy on men.

Rhun - A lovely little country inhabited by the Haradrim, we believe. And Aragorn went there once, which has to be good. And it's easy to spell.

Shelob - Just think of all the people you could terrify with a giant spider. (Mel - parents, Rose- English teacher, both of us - Orlando Bloom) And she hates Hobbits.

Trolls - Anything that tries to eat hobbits has to be alright, doesn't it?

Ungoliant - Hardly anything mortal ever got into Valinor, so would be a handy source of information on gaining immortal life as well as destroying kingdoms.

Variags - Just what the hell are these things? Oh well, mysteries make everything more interesting.

Wargs - Imagine using one of these for a guard dog. Anyway, they make pretty good torches when Gandalf's around.

X-files - A whole world just crying out for Mulder and Scully to come and investigate. Ooooh, Mulder and Viggo Mortension in the same film.... Lovely........

Yrch - Doesn't Orc just sound far more impressive in Elvish? But reasons for Orcs being brilliant still apply to Yrch.

Zoidbergs - Oh, for crying out loud, how are we meant to find a monster in LotR that starts with Z? Don't be picky.

Apologies are due to Orlando Bloom, his fans, Arwen and anyone else who's been insulted. And would anyone who knows what a Variag is, please let us know in a review.

And, the TRAILER for the Two Towers is out TODAY! Go see it, but you have to watch the Fellowship again to see it. How difficult....