An A-Z of ways to Kill Legolas!

Mel and Rose G

A/N - This is HUMOUR. Got that? A JOKE. Don't bother flaming us unless you can spell properly, all right? And to the idiot who accused us of not reading the books, where the hell do you think that we found the monsters like Ungolient, and Queen Beruthiel's cats? Does it mention them in the film? No. Or maybe you're just deaf.

Axed - From his role in the film.

Boiled alive - in Elf Wine or boiling pitch.

Chopped - into ickle pieces and fed to sharks.

Deprived of his hairbrush - Oh, the pain...

Executed - hopefully on camera.

Flayed - preferably alive, so we could make a rug from his hair.

Ground - Buried six foot under it, hopefully.

Hung - By his own ridiculous hair on a Mirkwood Tree.

Impaled - We'd say on his own sword, but that requires too much of a sure aim for him. we think.

Jousted - Mandorallean from David Eddings comes over to Middle Earth and knocks him off his horse.

Kissed - By rabid fan girls who then trample him to death.

Locked up - With a large, angry, armed Dwarf.

Monsters - See his face, start running from him, then trampling him.

Novice bowmen - Guess he isn't that good as a teacher, eh? All the girls faint when they see him, and the boys declare war on him.

Poison ivy - Just like in trinity's fic, only without Dr. Aragorn being in the house.

Queen's Orders - She gets sick of him stealing her husband.

Roasted - Slowly, by a giant spider that wants to eat him.

Squashed - By Gimli. Don't ask. Just don't ask...

Targeted - By Viggo Mortension fans.

Ultimate Torture - Tied to a chair and forced to listen to the Silmarillion on tape, on a loop for days. (Mel - this was what I was going to do to Rose til she read the books.)

Viggo Mortension - jealous of him getting all the attention and hits him over the head with an axe.

Water torture - Yes, not allowed any to wash his hair in.

Xxterminated - Just like the rat he is. (It's in the eyes.)

Yrch - Uses him as a football in the Middle Earth Cup. (Rose starts thinking hard about another fic.)

Zealots - Worshippers of Viggo declare a Holy War on him.

Please note - We have nothing against Legolas or Orlando Bloom, and done this as a joke, partly on the suggestion of a boy we know who is sick of his bird fancying Legolas more than him. Flames shall be laughed at.