The Bishounen Theories- Chapter 2
"The Plot Densifies"
Disclaimer: See first chapter. Additional disclaimers: Kid Phoenix belongs to himself. The "Men in Tights" song does not belong to me, but I did change its lyrics. I have a tendency to use unnecessarily long words. Pray forgive me. Also, despite appearances, I actually like Vincent. I just like him better in a slapstick violence situation.
Important note: When I say bishounen, I mean what it's generally taken to mean, not what it actually means. Among other reasons, I'd have to call most of them biseinen if I did that, and that would confuse everybody. So if you were going to point out anything like that, just halt the nerve impulses to your vocal cords, alright?
To my reviewers: Thank you! I intended to reply to you, but that would take effort that I would rather put into writing the story. I DO have reasons for the majority of the things that were pointed out, though, so no worries, eh?
Excuse for chapter delay below.
**********
(We are in a small room with a shiny computer. Slouched in front of the computer is a young man with long brown hair, glasses and a short beard, wearing a black pullover. This is the author, Jukashi. Standing behind him is a slightly immaterial young woman, human-shaped but with pale silvery smooth skin, large, long cat ears, a small black triangle nose, blue shoulder-length hair, a powerful reptilian tail with a tuft of blue hair at the tip, a pouch, and two small black wings protruding from two slits in the back of her t-shirt. This is Katelin, Jukashi's muse, conscience, inner critic and general psychological and imaginary handywoman.)
Jukashi: (Looks up) Ah, ba na weep ba weep ninny bong(It's a universal greeting)! You've caught me at a bad time. You see, I had a second chapter to my incredibly funny fanfiction, "The Bishounen Theories", but after reading it through a few times I, and my muse here, Katelin...
Katelin: Hi. Remember me?
Jukashi: ... Discovered that it was, unfortunately, complete and utter crap. So that's my excuse for the delay: I have to write a new second chapter. I'd also like to mention my good friends Kid Phoenix and Nuckpang, who will not only be making appearances in my story but are authors themselves! They are in fact writing a joint story together. Not that it's any good, but they're my friends so go take a look, 'k?
Voice: OI!
Jukashi: Uh-oh.
Kid Phoenix: (Walks in) Are you besmirching me and Nuckpang's writing skills without permission? You know what I said about doing that, back during that time, you know, the time with the pangolin.
Jukashi: Yes, yes, of course, I'm doing nothing of the sort, old chap, not at all...
K. Phoenix: And another thing: I would never use words like "besmirching", it's not what I do! You're portraying me out of character!
Jukashi: Why, didn't you read the disclaimer when you came in?
K. Phoenix: Uh...
Jukashi: You didn't, did you!? It EXPLICITLY states to expect Out Of Character-ness.
K. Phoenix: Damn. He's got me there.
Jukashi: (Sticks out tongue)
K. Phoenix: Well, you're going to use some of my ideas, aren't you?
Jukashi: You mean like the one about FFX's Yuna talking in stereotypical Ebonics?
K. Phoenix: Yes!
Jukashi: After MUCH deliberation the committee decided it was too stupid for words.
K. Phoenix: Oh, all right. (Rounds on Katelin) And why do you have a pouch? You're no marsupial!
Katelin: Why not? They're dead handy, y'know.
***
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
***
(Our viewpoint slides into the studio, which is unaccountably in a state of ruin. Several people are about the place, cleaning up as best they can. Sephiroth stands in the middle of the floor, looking around at the toiling people. As the camera closes in on him, Kuja comes up and taps him on the shoulder, indicating toward us as he talks to Sephiroth.)
Sephiroth: Ah, hello again! Jenov- I mean, Lifestre- DAMN! *ahem* As you can see, we have a spot of trouble. As you may remember, the last chapter saw Alan Shezaar being ripped apart by the feminine hoards. If you don't remember, go back and read it again! Looking at the chapters of this story out of order can cause plot holes to open in your brain! Fortunately for Alan, Kuja-san got Black Waltz 2 to fly him out.
Black Waltz 2(ff9): (Straightens up from the cleaning efforts behind Sephiroth.) Howdy!
Black Waltz 3(ff9): (Walks up with a bucket and mop.) I exist only to kill...... DUST BUNNIES! (Brandishes his mop at some dirt.)
Black Waltz 1(ff9): (Pops up.) He's Murder On Stains (TM).
Ramirez/Dilandau: (Sitting behind drums) * comedy drum beat *
Sephiroth: Um... Yes. Anyway, an unfortunate side effect of this was that the hordes of women went on a bit of a rampage until Alan's artificially enhanced charm could wear off. Thus, you now find us in this clear-up operation. Or you did, anyway. BACK TO WORK, SLACKERS! (cracks whip)
All: Aww... (Resume cleaning)
Kuja: Anyway, Seph-sama, as I was going to say... We cannot find Vincent Valentine. The White Mages had managed to save his life, but he was still unconscious when they stampeded Alan. He disappeared sometime afterwards.
Sephiroth: Maybe he just woke up and wandered off on his own?
Kuja: With two broken legs? And no materia?
Sephiroth: Hmm. I see. *sigh* Dammit. He was the only black-haired Bishounen we could get in time! Now we only have one person for the Unusual Colors segment.
Kuja: Actually...
Sephiroth: .... What is it?
Kuja: Seymour's refusing to do it on his own.
Sephiroth: ... Deal with him.
Kuja: *Bows slightly* Yes, Seph-sama.
Meanwhile...
Tidus (ff10): So then he says "What's a Vale for?", and she says, "An Aeon, silly!"
Terra (ff6): Oh, yes. So funny. Ha ha ha. (Makes a face)
Tidus: Well, excuse me for trying to lighten the mood.
Link (LoZ: Ocarina of Time): Lighten the mood!? Tidus, look at our present situation!
(The camera pulls away to reveal the three heroes tied together with rope, slowly progressing on a conveyor belt towards a large circular saw. They are being watched over by Kefka (ff6) and Ultimicia(ff8). Ultimicia is hugging Kefka tightly and has horseshoe-eyes.)
Kefka: I keep telling you, you damnable descendant of Hyne! Get off me!
Ultimicia: But you're a klown! I love klowns! They're kool, an' kreepy, an', an'... an' KUTE!! I'm never going to let you go!
Kefka: ARRGH! (Looks over to the heroes) Right! I'm going to leave you here, where you obviously can't escape, and find a crowbar or something to rid me of this accursed speech-impedimented Sorceress!
(Kefka shuffles slowly out of the room, dragging Ultimicia on the floor behind him)
Tidus: ... Cute couple, don't you think?
Terra + Link: (Give Tidus strange looks)
Link: You're weird!
Tidus: No, I'm not!
Terra: That's enough about Tidus's strangeness, Link.
Tidus: Heeeey!
Terra: How will we get out of this soon-to-be-bloody mess?
Link: Terra... Just turn into an Esper.
Terra: Do I HAVE to?
Link: Maybe not! It's Navi!
Navi: Hey!
Link: Quick, Navi! Untie these ropes!
(Navi quickly floats down and... steals Link's wallet.)
Link: HEY! HEEY! THAT'S MINE! COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE *bleep bleeep blip bleeeep*
Tidus + Terra: *sigh*
Tidus: Esper time.
Terra: I know, I know... *ahem*... TRANSFORM! (Turns into her Esper form)
Tidus: Ooh, glowing fuzziness...
Terra: Get off!
Link: You ARE weird!
(Terra frees them from the conveyer belt using her magic. Once they're free, she turns her wrath on the machine and blows it's gears out.)
Terra: ... And never, ever, try to cut me in half again!
Tidus: Say, Terra...
Terra: *sigh* Yes?
Tidus: Why is it that when you transform, you're naked, but when you turn back, your clothes return?
Terra: NO! YOU FOOL!
Tidus: What'd I do!?
Terra: There I was, nicely avoiding the laws of causality, but YOU had to ruin it all! It won't work now that you've pointed it out! I have to find some clothes before I turn back!
Link: Should be interesting. (Pulls up a chair and takes out some popcorn) It's only a matter of time.
Terra: (Kicks Link out the roof and over the horizon.)
Tidus: That was a bit much.
Terra: Shut up, and find me clothes or something!
Tidus: Use these! (holds out two censor bars).
Terra: .......
***
Meanwhile...
A bar on a city street. People are hanging around the entrances of nightclubs nearby in growing impatience, wondering if their chance to get in will ever come. This bar is fully lit and emits the sounds of merriment, but there is no-one trying to get in. Suddenly, Yugi (Yu-Gi-Oh) and Bakura (The same) come flying out, followed on foot by the bouncer who threw them, dusting off his hands)
Bouncer: And stay out! Damn kids, sneaking in, bothering the ladies... (goes back in)
Bakura: We're telling you, it wasn't us! It was our Yami selves!
Yugi: He's not gonna listen. You should tell your Yami self to not try stealing money from strippers. They always notice.
Bakura: Oh, like yours was a big help! Going on about proving himself the King of Drinking Games and then threatening to "send" the barkeeper to "the shadow realm" because he refused to keep serving him after he stuck olives on all his hair-spikes and fell off the stool...
Yugi: Stupid Yami forms. Get themselves drunk and leave us with the hangover...
Bakura: Yeah...
Yugi: So... Whatd'you want to do now?
Bakura: I dunno... Whatd'you wanna do?
Yugi: I dunno... Whatd'you wanna do?
Bakura: I asked you first!
Yugi: Weeell... You like time travel... and I like belly dancing... so whatd'ya say we combine the two, and-
Suddenly, Link comes hurtling down out of the sky, and strikes the ground head-first with a resounding crack before collapsing into a limp heap.
Yugi: ....
Bakura: ... I think he's dead...
Yugi: Wait... what's that?
(A fairy apparently floats out of links body, and circles around him)
Fairy: FREE! FREE AT LAST! HA HA! SUCKS TO BE YOU, HERO OF TIME! (Flies off)
(The fairy dust that fell from the fairy gently lands on links corpse, and...)
Link: (Opens eyes and suddenly jumps right up into a standing position) I'm okay!
Yugi + Bakura: AAH! UNDEAD!
Link: I'm not undead! I fight them sometimes, but I'm not one of them!
Yugi: Oh.
Bakura: I suppose that's alright, then. We've had problems with the undead.
Link: Really?
Yugi: Vampires, in particular.
Bakura: Stupid Kain... Stealing our magic beans... grumble...
***
Meanwhile, in the dark-cave...
Ansem: Come, sidekicks! To the Darkmobile!
Riku; We don't need to use the darkmobile!
Ansem: Yes we do! The Darkmobile is for emergencies, and this is one! Truly, the Darkness of this time is...
Riku: Running out of milk is NOT an emergency!
Ansem: (Whiny) But Rikuuuu, how will I eat my "Darkness-O"s!?
Riku: Sigh. Vincent, back me up here.
(The camera swivels dramatically to centre on a coffin, lying on the floor of the lair. The lid suddenly flies off, and a misty darkness pours from within. Vincent Valentine suddenly rockets out of the coffin, somersaults, floats in the air two meters above the ground and gently alights on the floor, the darkness flowing off him like a billowing cloak. Instead of his usual red and black garb, he is now wearing a version of it that is completely black, save some silver scrollwork. His scarf, no longer concealing his face but draped around his neck, is now a dark blue instead of red, and his eyes glow crimson behind a pair of dark glasses.. He has two guns holstered on a large belt going around his waist, which also has a number of other items hanging from it.)
Vincent: Dammit, these new clothes itch like crazy... (scratch scratch scratch)
Ansem: Vincent! YOU think not having any milk constitutes an emergency, don't you? This fool, in his Dark-brained state, says...
Riku: I am not dark-brained!
Ansem: Of course not, you're Dark-brained. It has a capital D.
Riku: GRAAAGH! (Sweat drop)
Vincent: (Starts walking towards them) Well, we do need milk, Riku, almost our entire food supply consists of breakfast cereaAAAH! (Trips over a bench and falls on his face. He gets up again, staggering sideways as he attempts to get his balance back.) Dammit, who put that there! I -(Walks into a roof support) OW! (Stumbles backwards... and falls down a stairs) WAAAAAAA- Oof ow dammit! (WHACK) Crap! (THUNK) F***! (CRASH) OW! (SLAM!) AAAAARG! (THUMP!)
Riku+ Ansem: ...
Vincent: Oooooooww...
Riku: I told you, dark glasses in a poorly-lit environment are -
Ansem: Shut up, just... shut up, right? Darkness is cool, whatever the situation.
Riku: Cool, maybe. But not safe.
Ansem: Didn't I tell you to shut up?
Vincent: Vision... fading.... the darkness is... so beautiful...
Ansem: I could have told you THAT.
Riku: (Thinking) I can't think how these idiots could possibly be thought of as a threat...(sigh) But I suppose I'll have to keep watching. I've been fooled before, after all...
***
MYSTERIOUS!
***
A long corridor, lined with doors, stretches before us, intersecting with another in the distance. There is not a sound, until...
Tidus' voice: Maybe there's some clothes in HERE!
(Sound of door opening, and a sound as of many balls falling out of an overstuffed closet.)
Tidus' voice: Damn. MORE stupid pink blitzballs.
(The camera slides forward and turns the corner, revealing Terra and Tidus standing in front of a door. Terra is in her human form again, and, lacking clothes, is making an attempt to cover herself with a smallish flag, some string, and a gamecube. Fortunately for this story's rating, two floating censor bars are availably to make up these item's failings. Tidus is standing closer to the door, and is waist-deep in a pile of glowing pink blitzballs.)
Terra: Hurry up and try the next door! I'm freezing my particulars off!
Tidus: (Struggles out of the pile) What IS this place, anyhow? Is it some kind of maze of randomness?
Terra: Close enough. It's a maze spell, cast by a wild mage. Kefka must have gotten one from the Forgotten Realms over to do it for him.
Tidus: Say wha'?
Terra: I am a magic user, y'know. I have to know things.
Tidus: You didn't know that trap was there.
Terra: Still thy tongue.
Tidus: (Instead of stilling it, he sticks it out at her, then goes over to the next door and tries it.)
Train beyond door: (Races toward him!)
Tidus: (closes door)... I wanna go home...
Voice: TOO BAD!
Tidus: Huh?
Kid Phoenix: (Rises slowly from a trapdoor that has just appeared in the floor.) Tidus, you have commited the uttermost crime of fanfic writing... You have PLAGIARISED ONE OF MY JOKES! For this you are compelled to accept my challenge... The challange of a court summons, a summons to the court of... JUDGE JUDY!
Tidus: Bring it on, Biznatch!
Terra: Oh dear...
*********
IT'S TIME FOR SOME WACKINESS!
*********
(A crowded courtroom, filled with characters from various universes. Kid Phoenix and Tidus look at each other darkly from their positions of prosocution and defence. Barret(ff7), dressed as a policeman, strides into the room.)
Barret: All rise.
Several people: (Stand up)
Barret: Hah! Yer out! Go on... get out o' here!
Outed people: (slink out in shame)
Barret: Alright, Simon Says all rise.
Everyone: (Stands up)
Barret: Excellent. Enter the honourable Judge Judy!
(Nothing happens)
Everyone: ?????
(Sounds of a scuffle in the Judges' chambers.)
Petulant voice: Hey, what are you-
(Chainsaw sounds.)
Petulant voice: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!
(Chainsaw stops.)
Everyone: (Silence.)
(Sounds similar to those of robes being put on.)
(Pause)
Zelda(Games with her name): (Enters, wearing judges robes and a crooked red wig.) Here I am! Please note that I AM Judge Judy, and definetly not the princess of Hyrule in a poor disguise! Isn't that right, Samus, Krystal?
Samus(Metroid): (Holding bloody chainsaw and attempting to clean a mysterious red liquid off her armour.) That's right!
Krystal: (Starfox Adventures): (Holding Zelda's princess clothes.) Of course!
Nameless extra: Come off it, missus! You carn't possibly be Judge Judy!
Judge Zelda: Um, of course I can, look, I've got the wig and all...
N. Extra: Yeah, roight!
Krystal: (Makes gesture at Samus.)
Samus: Hmm? Oh, right.
N. Extra: An' that's not all! If you ladies think-
(Suddenly, a chainsaw comes flying out of ABSOLUTELY NO-WHERE and embeds itself in his chest.)
N. Extra: This is wot oi get fer 'avin' unimaginative parents! (dies)
Inu-Yasha(His own series): Feh.
Barret: On with the trial!
J. Zelda: Tidus, you stand accused of plagiarism of Kid Phoenix's "Vale for" joke. How do you plead? Innocent, guilty, or not guilty?
Tidus: Not guilty!
J. Zelda: So you did it... but you're not guilty about it.
Tidus: That's right.
K. Phoenix: Hah! A confession! how do you expect to get away with it NOW!?
Tidus: With my two lawyers!
Squall(ff8): Whatever.
Leon(Kingdom Hearts): Whatever.
Zidane(ff9): You go, Tidus! You da man!
K. Phoenix: Well, aren't you well off?
Tidus: Sure am!
K. Phoenix: But you forget, I'm writing a Lord of the Rings fanfic... So I have access to... THE NINE NAZGUL LAWYERS!
(The door at the bottom of the court bursts open, and The Nine enter as mist spills into the room. They encircle Tidus and his lawyers as the slowly begin to open their briefcases...)
K. Phoenix: HA-HAHAHAHA!
Meanwhile, in the street outside...
Tellah(ff4): I am but an old man, my eyes are bent, my toes are crinkled and my nose knackered, slowly crossing the road without looking both ways...
Zell(ff8): (comes hoverboarding down the street) Look out, old man!
Tellah: What?
WHUMP!
At that exact moment, back inside the courtroom...
(The Nazgul suddenly turn their heads and screech in unison as they hurry out the door leading to the street outside, where ambulances can now be heard in the distance.)
K. Phoenix: Damn you, easily-distracted Ringwraiths!
J. Zelda: Well, now how will we decide the trial?
Terra: Actually, your honour, I've had the most strangely compicated yet plausible idea...
Later...
J. Zelda: (Wearing Samus' armour.) Well, that seems to have worked well, strange method though it is to decide justice.
(Everyone in the room is for some reason holding a balloon and wearing the clothes and hairstyle of the person to their left.)
Samus: (Wearing Krystal's weird tribal bikini-thing.) Can't... Breath... Bones... Deforming... Narrating... Own injuries...
Krystal: (Somewhere inside Barret's police outfit.) Oh shush, I'm sure you'll regain your original shape in a few days... Stupid policeman's outfit... (Mutters in dinosour language.)
Barret: (Dressed like Maechen(ffX)) hWhat hwas that about my siize?
Krystal: Nothing!
J. Zelda: (Bangs Samus' gun on the plinth.) Silence! Tidus has been found guilty! Take him away!
(Barret and Samus grab Tidus' arms.)
Barret: hWould you hlike to heah about our prisonns?
Tidus: NO! NO MAECHEN VOICE! ESCAPE!
(Tidus wiggles free and produces his sword from nowhere, as Final Fantasy characters often do.)
Tidus: Stay back! I've got a full overdrive bar and a hankerin' ta use it!
Maechen: You'd better do as he says!
J. Zelda: RANGERS!
( The doors suddenly collapse inward, andAragorn charges in, followed by dozens of rangers popping out of unlikely places and somersaulting at a dramatic camera angle towards Tidus making "Hyaah!" noises. They quickly surround Tidus, tie him up, and toss him out a window.)
Tidus: I WILL RETUUUUUURRRRRrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnn..... (THUMP)
(Silence.)
J. Zelda: ...Was that really neccasary?
Aragorn: (Shrug.)
J. Zelda: Oh well, I'm SURE it won't have any major repercussions to, say, THE PLOT. Anyway. Back to our original clothes, everyone!
Everyone: (Cheers, and then rushes towards the door at the same time.)
SPLAFATHUMPLAFUMP!
J. Zelda: Uh... Oh dear.
(Yes, you guessed it... They're all stuck in the door!)
Samus: Still... can't breath!
Inu-yasha: A demon of my arrogance shouldn't need to put up with this! Get out of my way, puny mortals! Feh!
Ranma(Ranma 1/2): Shut up!
K. Phoenix: Puny! That's it! Krystal, you're small! Wiggle free!
Krystal: I'm wiggling, I'm wiggling! Aah! Someone's got my tail!
Zidane: YOUR tail? I thought that was MY tail!
Squall: Whatever.
J. Zelda: Urf.. rrg... aagh!... RANGERS!
Aragorn: Swiftly, my fellow rangers... push!
(The rangers mass behind the trapped people and push with all their might... but to no avail!)
Aragorn: Hmm... Try kicking!
(The rangers attempt to kick the people through the door...)
Barret: Arrgh! My pancreas! Watch it, fools!
(...But find no success!)
Aragorn: Curses. Looks like i'll have to try... SOMETHING DRASTIC!
Everyone: Gasp!
Zidane: Hey! My bit! He's stealing my bit!
(Aragorn walks to the other side of the courtroom, and then turns back towards the door. The other rangers get out of the way. Aragorn then charges down the room, straight for the people in the door... not noticing the chair which has fallen in his path!)
Aragorn: SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN!
Rangers + People: WATCH OUT FOR THAT-
CRACK-WHAM!
Rangers + People: OOH!
Aragorn: ... (Gets up) ...Valar damn it! (He goes over and leans on on the squirming mass of people as he attempts to think of a solution... and in leaning on them, causes them all to pop out the other side of the door, right down the stairs on the other side.) Oops.
Halbarad( LotR: RotK): Don't worry. I'm sure they'll be all right.
Moments later, at the bottom of the stairs...
Ranma: *groan*
Inu-Yasha: Ha! I'm perfectly all right!
Ranma: Actuallly, it looks like your left knee is bending the wrong way.
Inu-Yasha: Feh! This is nothing!
Krystal: I think Barret cushioned my fall... hey, I'm wearing my own clothes and hair again!
Samus: My armour's back on me, but the legs are on my arms and the arms are on my legs...
Zelda: (Looks at herself) My dress... Barret's shirt... Kid Phoenix's hair...
(The two Squalls stand up. One has the Squall hair and the Leon clothes, and the other has the Leon hair and the Squall clothes.)
Squall 1: Dammit, how do we know which is Squall and which is Leon?
Squall 2: Eh... who cares?
Squall 1: Yeah.
Both: Whatever.
After a bit of sorting out...
Aragron: There you go. I'm sure the Squalls will remember who's who eventually.
Zelda: Thankyou, Mighty middle-earth rangers! But, um, may I ask...
Aragorn: Yes?
Zelda: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ALL WEARING TIGHTS?
Aragorn: Ah, those. It was Arwen's idea.
Samus: ... Why!?
Halbarad: Eell, um, with the tights...
Aragorn: We can do... THIS!
***
(Music begins. The rangers all line up, and begin... to sing.)
We're Men, Rangers in Tights. We go out and campaign For Halfling rights.
We're Men, Rangers in Tiiiiights. We kill those orcs and Evil things, That's Right!
We maaaaaaay look like Eeeeeeelf men,
But watch what you say Or else we'll put out your lights!
We're Men, Rangers in Tights! Always on guard 'gainst Creatures of the night
Dahdahdahdahdahdahdah
(Do the Can-can! Kick those legs, Rangers!)
Laa, la la la la LA LA la la la la LA LA La la la la la LAH LAH LAH lah lah la la
Laa, la la la la LA LA la la la la LA LA La la la la la la la la la.
We're Men MANLY MEN! Rangers in Tights - Yes!
We're out whether in sun Or in moonlight.
We're Men, Rangers in Tiiiiiiights. We watch the dwarves drink ale And break up the fights.
We maaaaaay look quite Giiiiiirly,
But watch what you say Or your back may sprout a knife!
We're Men, Rangers in Tights TIGHT tights!
Always on guard Defending by day or niiiiiight....
When you're in a fix Just call for the Rangers in Tiiiiiiiights! DUNEDAN!!
(Music end)
***
Samus: Wooo!
Zelda: That was great!
Aragron: Thank you, thank you...
Krystal: I thought I'd die laughing...
Voice: You may yet!
Everyone: HUH?
Elrond(LotR): There is a line in that song which insults elvish men. The Elvish Defamation Council thus demands that this song be stricken from the record, and in order for that to happen... Everyone who heard it must die.
Halbarad: And who's gonna kill us, huh?
Elrond: Why, we will.
Aragorn: We? There's just you!
Elrond: Yes. Me. But the great thing about me....
(Elrond grabs his robe and tosses it off, revealing a black suit over a white shirt. He calmly takes out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on.)
Elrond / Agent Smith(The Matrix): ... Is that there are so many of me!
(Hundreds of Elronds/Agent Smiths pour into the area from all directions, and surround the group, quickly eliminating all those that have not yet had any lines.)
Barret: Those damn fools! If they'd actaully done something they wouldn't be just nameless cannon fodder!
Zelda: Come on. Let's kick some ass. FOR HYRULE!
Barret: FOR DA PLANET!
K. Phoenix: PHOENIX SMACKDOWN!
Inu-Yasha: FEH!
Aragorn; SPOOOON!
Halbarad: DRAGON BALL Z STYLE!
Ranma: MOKO TAKABISHA!
Krystal: CRAZY LIKE A FOX!
Squalls: WHATEVER!
Zidane: PROTECT GIRLS!
Maechen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW HOW I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!?
Samus: DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Elrond/Agent Smith: As you say... Bring it.
(Everyone strikes a fighting stance.)
--------------------------------------------------
Y'know, I think that's a good place to break off and leave this scene until the next chapter, eh? Ha ha, cliffhanger! Onward with a different part of the story.
--------------------------------------------------
(A large shopping mall, full of people from various universes going about the business of shopping. Link, Yami Yugi and Bakura stroll into view.)
Link: And then, right, I hit it with my sword, and it bounced back, like.
Y. Yugi: And then I sent him to the shadow realm!
Bakura: Then I woke up and I was in a jail cell with two hippopotami and Bill Clinton's very own upside-down back-to-front cabbage tree.
Link: Bakura wins.
Y. Yugi: NOOOO! I AM THE KING OF GAMES! I MUST WIN ALL!
Bakura: It was only a Weird Last Line competition, Yugi, and yours was very unimaginative. It wasn't as if someone's life was on the line, which seems to happen with disturbing regularity these days.
Y. Yugi: I don't have to take this. I'm going back to Yugi's subconscious.
(Pause)
Bakura: Well?
Y. Yugi.: I don't wanna say it.
Bakura: You cannot deny the will of Strange Logic. If we say "transform" when we change, than when we change back we-
Y. Yugi: Oh, all right. MROFSNART! (Changes back into Yugi.)
Yugi: What... Oh, right. Not in a strip club, liquor store, high-security prison or specifically adults-only place this time, I'm glad to see.
Bakura: Great, isn't it?
Link: That happen a lot to you guys?
Yugi: Sure does. Hey, Bakura, remember the time we woke up in that apartment with-
(THUMP!)
(Wow, who would it be walking the other way but Ansem + Co.! What a story-driven coincidence!)
Vincent: (Falls backwards) Ow! Gor' crikey, me bum!
(A/N: IT IS FUNY BECUS IT IS OUT OF CHARACTAR!!! HA HA HA!!!!!1)
Ansem: Watch where you're going, you Dark- (Sees Bakura.) YOU!!
Bakura: ME!!
Ansem: So, THIS is where you've been hiding!
Bakura: Actually, I usually only come here every wedns-
Ansem: SILENCE! Your Dark wit shall not save you this time, Bakura-kun! (Darkness gathers about him.)
Bakura: But I thought you fled too, Ansem-san!
Ansem: ... Oh yeah. Forgot that. Sorry, old habit. (Brightens up) Ah, of course! Bakura-kun, you can join my Dark legion!
Vincent: I thought we weren't going to call ourselves legion until we got some more people...
Ansem: Screw the details, It's a good name! Well, Bakura-kun?
Bakura: If this "legion" of yours' purpose is as I think it is, then yes, I will join, Ansem-san.
Ansem: BRILLIANT! Oh happy day, Bakura, that we are no longer separate, but joined in our common cause, to resist the oppression of- (Realisation flashes across his face, and he slaps his hand over his mouth.) Whoops! Can't go revealing that much plot just yet!
Riku: Dammit! I wanted exposition!
Link: You and what readers remain. Me and Yugi, we'd like to get some small part in the proceedings.
Yugi: Yeah!
Ansem: Silence. I will not reveal my motivations just yet. Especially not to you, Riku, until I know what purpose caused you to join me.
Riku: ..... BUH?!?
Bakura: (Looks at Rikku.) Hmm. I don't recognise you, and Ansem-san gave you no suffix... You are not...
Ansem: He is not. He's natural.
Riku: (Now utterly perplexed.) ...huh?
Bakura: Wonder of wonders...
Ansem: You didn't think I wouldn't notice, did you, Riku? You have secret motivations, though I don't think you intend any harm. I think you'll be a powerful ally, but I won't trust you just yet.
Riku: I... suppose I'll just have to wait, so.
Ansem: Excellent. Now, let us away from this serious plot mystery, and get back to the zany hijinx! TO YE GROCERY SHOPPE, MY DARK LEGION!
Vincent, Riku + Bakura: AYE!
Bakura: (Suddenly remembers Link and Yugi.) Oh. I'm sorry, but.. I have things of personal importance to see to, following Ansem... Do you mind?
Link: 'Course not. I don't actually have anything better to do, so I'll probably follow you guys around for the heck of it.
Yugi: Me too. (Thinks of something) Link, didn't you say you had to stop Kefka?
Link: I don't think he'll be bothering anyone for a while.
(Meanwhile, deep in the dungeon of a dark castle, Kefka vainly attempts to open the lock to his cage.)
Kefka: Must... escape... must...
Ultimicia: (Enters the dungeon) Kefka, dear, I just remembered! It's time for your bath! I got a new shampoo I just have to try on you, and then its time for me to have a tea party with the other Sorceresses and YOU get to serve us! I got this darling French Maid outfit just for you!
Kefka: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(The walls of this dungeon have heard many screams of pain over the long centuries, but none such as this. It'll be a long night in the castle...)
Back with the main plot...
Yugi: Yeah, I get the feeling that Kefka is no longer a problem as well. Weird.
Link: Anyway, we're sticking with you, Bakura. We want to find out what all this business is about!
Bakura: You will... in time.
Ansem: Bakura-kun, Hurry up!
Bakura: Let's go.
Yugi: Yeah!
(They run off to join the Dark legion. The camera pans back... Revealing a solitary figure floating high above the city. She puts her hands on her hips, and a smile appears on her face.)
Ryoko (Tenchi Muyo): Oh, but the "serious plot mystery" has only just begun, Master of Darkness. you're smarter than Washu thought, but you'd better take good care of Riku... or you'll have to deal with me. (She teleports away.)
*CHAPTER END*
Mysterious, ain't it? Yes folks, we actually have a real plot! Tune in again, whenever I manage to get it done! AUTHOR AWAY!
"The Plot Densifies"
Disclaimer: See first chapter. Additional disclaimers: Kid Phoenix belongs to himself. The "Men in Tights" song does not belong to me, but I did change its lyrics. I have a tendency to use unnecessarily long words. Pray forgive me. Also, despite appearances, I actually like Vincent. I just like him better in a slapstick violence situation.
Important note: When I say bishounen, I mean what it's generally taken to mean, not what it actually means. Among other reasons, I'd have to call most of them biseinen if I did that, and that would confuse everybody. So if you were going to point out anything like that, just halt the nerve impulses to your vocal cords, alright?
To my reviewers: Thank you! I intended to reply to you, but that would take effort that I would rather put into writing the story. I DO have reasons for the majority of the things that were pointed out, though, so no worries, eh?
Excuse for chapter delay below.
**********
(We are in a small room with a shiny computer. Slouched in front of the computer is a young man with long brown hair, glasses and a short beard, wearing a black pullover. This is the author, Jukashi. Standing behind him is a slightly immaterial young woman, human-shaped but with pale silvery smooth skin, large, long cat ears, a small black triangle nose, blue shoulder-length hair, a powerful reptilian tail with a tuft of blue hair at the tip, a pouch, and two small black wings protruding from two slits in the back of her t-shirt. This is Katelin, Jukashi's muse, conscience, inner critic and general psychological and imaginary handywoman.)
Jukashi: (Looks up) Ah, ba na weep ba weep ninny bong(It's a universal greeting)! You've caught me at a bad time. You see, I had a second chapter to my incredibly funny fanfiction, "The Bishounen Theories", but after reading it through a few times I, and my muse here, Katelin...
Katelin: Hi. Remember me?
Jukashi: ... Discovered that it was, unfortunately, complete and utter crap. So that's my excuse for the delay: I have to write a new second chapter. I'd also like to mention my good friends Kid Phoenix and Nuckpang, who will not only be making appearances in my story but are authors themselves! They are in fact writing a joint story together. Not that it's any good, but they're my friends so go take a look, 'k?
Voice: OI!
Jukashi: Uh-oh.
Kid Phoenix: (Walks in) Are you besmirching me and Nuckpang's writing skills without permission? You know what I said about doing that, back during that time, you know, the time with the pangolin.
Jukashi: Yes, yes, of course, I'm doing nothing of the sort, old chap, not at all...
K. Phoenix: And another thing: I would never use words like "besmirching", it's not what I do! You're portraying me out of character!
Jukashi: Why, didn't you read the disclaimer when you came in?
K. Phoenix: Uh...
Jukashi: You didn't, did you!? It EXPLICITLY states to expect Out Of Character-ness.
K. Phoenix: Damn. He's got me there.
Jukashi: (Sticks out tongue)
K. Phoenix: Well, you're going to use some of my ideas, aren't you?
Jukashi: You mean like the one about FFX's Yuna talking in stereotypical Ebonics?
K. Phoenix: Yes!
Jukashi: After MUCH deliberation the committee decided it was too stupid for words.
K. Phoenix: Oh, all right. (Rounds on Katelin) And why do you have a pouch? You're no marsupial!
Katelin: Why not? They're dead handy, y'know.
***
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
***
(Our viewpoint slides into the studio, which is unaccountably in a state of ruin. Several people are about the place, cleaning up as best they can. Sephiroth stands in the middle of the floor, looking around at the toiling people. As the camera closes in on him, Kuja comes up and taps him on the shoulder, indicating toward us as he talks to Sephiroth.)
Sephiroth: Ah, hello again! Jenov- I mean, Lifestre- DAMN! *ahem* As you can see, we have a spot of trouble. As you may remember, the last chapter saw Alan Shezaar being ripped apart by the feminine hoards. If you don't remember, go back and read it again! Looking at the chapters of this story out of order can cause plot holes to open in your brain! Fortunately for Alan, Kuja-san got Black Waltz 2 to fly him out.
Black Waltz 2(ff9): (Straightens up from the cleaning efforts behind Sephiroth.) Howdy!
Black Waltz 3(ff9): (Walks up with a bucket and mop.) I exist only to kill...... DUST BUNNIES! (Brandishes his mop at some dirt.)
Black Waltz 1(ff9): (Pops up.) He's Murder On Stains (TM).
Ramirez/Dilandau: (Sitting behind drums) * comedy drum beat *
Sephiroth: Um... Yes. Anyway, an unfortunate side effect of this was that the hordes of women went on a bit of a rampage until Alan's artificially enhanced charm could wear off. Thus, you now find us in this clear-up operation. Or you did, anyway. BACK TO WORK, SLACKERS! (cracks whip)
All: Aww... (Resume cleaning)
Kuja: Anyway, Seph-sama, as I was going to say... We cannot find Vincent Valentine. The White Mages had managed to save his life, but he was still unconscious when they stampeded Alan. He disappeared sometime afterwards.
Sephiroth: Maybe he just woke up and wandered off on his own?
Kuja: With two broken legs? And no materia?
Sephiroth: Hmm. I see. *sigh* Dammit. He was the only black-haired Bishounen we could get in time! Now we only have one person for the Unusual Colors segment.
Kuja: Actually...
Sephiroth: .... What is it?
Kuja: Seymour's refusing to do it on his own.
Sephiroth: ... Deal with him.
Kuja: *Bows slightly* Yes, Seph-sama.
Meanwhile...
Tidus (ff10): So then he says "What's a Vale for?", and she says, "An Aeon, silly!"
Terra (ff6): Oh, yes. So funny. Ha ha ha. (Makes a face)
Tidus: Well, excuse me for trying to lighten the mood.
Link (LoZ: Ocarina of Time): Lighten the mood!? Tidus, look at our present situation!
(The camera pulls away to reveal the three heroes tied together with rope, slowly progressing on a conveyor belt towards a large circular saw. They are being watched over by Kefka (ff6) and Ultimicia(ff8). Ultimicia is hugging Kefka tightly and has horseshoe-eyes.)
Kefka: I keep telling you, you damnable descendant of Hyne! Get off me!
Ultimicia: But you're a klown! I love klowns! They're kool, an' kreepy, an', an'... an' KUTE!! I'm never going to let you go!
Kefka: ARRGH! (Looks over to the heroes) Right! I'm going to leave you here, where you obviously can't escape, and find a crowbar or something to rid me of this accursed speech-impedimented Sorceress!
(Kefka shuffles slowly out of the room, dragging Ultimicia on the floor behind him)
Tidus: ... Cute couple, don't you think?
Terra + Link: (Give Tidus strange looks)
Link: You're weird!
Tidus: No, I'm not!
Terra: That's enough about Tidus's strangeness, Link.
Tidus: Heeeey!
Terra: How will we get out of this soon-to-be-bloody mess?
Link: Terra... Just turn into an Esper.
Terra: Do I HAVE to?
Link: Maybe not! It's Navi!
Navi: Hey!
Link: Quick, Navi! Untie these ropes!
(Navi quickly floats down and... steals Link's wallet.)
Link: HEY! HEEY! THAT'S MINE! COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE *bleep bleeep blip bleeeep*
Tidus + Terra: *sigh*
Tidus: Esper time.
Terra: I know, I know... *ahem*... TRANSFORM! (Turns into her Esper form)
Tidus: Ooh, glowing fuzziness...
Terra: Get off!
Link: You ARE weird!
(Terra frees them from the conveyer belt using her magic. Once they're free, she turns her wrath on the machine and blows it's gears out.)
Terra: ... And never, ever, try to cut me in half again!
Tidus: Say, Terra...
Terra: *sigh* Yes?
Tidus: Why is it that when you transform, you're naked, but when you turn back, your clothes return?
Terra: NO! YOU FOOL!
Tidus: What'd I do!?
Terra: There I was, nicely avoiding the laws of causality, but YOU had to ruin it all! It won't work now that you've pointed it out! I have to find some clothes before I turn back!
Link: Should be interesting. (Pulls up a chair and takes out some popcorn) It's only a matter of time.
Terra: (Kicks Link out the roof and over the horizon.)
Tidus: That was a bit much.
Terra: Shut up, and find me clothes or something!
Tidus: Use these! (holds out two censor bars).
Terra: .......
***
Meanwhile...
A bar on a city street. People are hanging around the entrances of nightclubs nearby in growing impatience, wondering if their chance to get in will ever come. This bar is fully lit and emits the sounds of merriment, but there is no-one trying to get in. Suddenly, Yugi (Yu-Gi-Oh) and Bakura (The same) come flying out, followed on foot by the bouncer who threw them, dusting off his hands)
Bouncer: And stay out! Damn kids, sneaking in, bothering the ladies... (goes back in)
Bakura: We're telling you, it wasn't us! It was our Yami selves!
Yugi: He's not gonna listen. You should tell your Yami self to not try stealing money from strippers. They always notice.
Bakura: Oh, like yours was a big help! Going on about proving himself the King of Drinking Games and then threatening to "send" the barkeeper to "the shadow realm" because he refused to keep serving him after he stuck olives on all his hair-spikes and fell off the stool...
Yugi: Stupid Yami forms. Get themselves drunk and leave us with the hangover...
Bakura: Yeah...
Yugi: So... Whatd'you want to do now?
Bakura: I dunno... Whatd'you wanna do?
Yugi: I dunno... Whatd'you wanna do?
Bakura: I asked you first!
Yugi: Weeell... You like time travel... and I like belly dancing... so whatd'ya say we combine the two, and-
Suddenly, Link comes hurtling down out of the sky, and strikes the ground head-first with a resounding crack before collapsing into a limp heap.
Yugi: ....
Bakura: ... I think he's dead...
Yugi: Wait... what's that?
(A fairy apparently floats out of links body, and circles around him)
Fairy: FREE! FREE AT LAST! HA HA! SUCKS TO BE YOU, HERO OF TIME! (Flies off)
(The fairy dust that fell from the fairy gently lands on links corpse, and...)
Link: (Opens eyes and suddenly jumps right up into a standing position) I'm okay!
Yugi + Bakura: AAH! UNDEAD!
Link: I'm not undead! I fight them sometimes, but I'm not one of them!
Yugi: Oh.
Bakura: I suppose that's alright, then. We've had problems with the undead.
Link: Really?
Yugi: Vampires, in particular.
Bakura: Stupid Kain... Stealing our magic beans... grumble...
***
Meanwhile, in the dark-cave...
Ansem: Come, sidekicks! To the Darkmobile!
Riku; We don't need to use the darkmobile!
Ansem: Yes we do! The Darkmobile is for emergencies, and this is one! Truly, the Darkness of this time is...
Riku: Running out of milk is NOT an emergency!
Ansem: (Whiny) But Rikuuuu, how will I eat my "Darkness-O"s!?
Riku: Sigh. Vincent, back me up here.
(The camera swivels dramatically to centre on a coffin, lying on the floor of the lair. The lid suddenly flies off, and a misty darkness pours from within. Vincent Valentine suddenly rockets out of the coffin, somersaults, floats in the air two meters above the ground and gently alights on the floor, the darkness flowing off him like a billowing cloak. Instead of his usual red and black garb, he is now wearing a version of it that is completely black, save some silver scrollwork. His scarf, no longer concealing his face but draped around his neck, is now a dark blue instead of red, and his eyes glow crimson behind a pair of dark glasses.. He has two guns holstered on a large belt going around his waist, which also has a number of other items hanging from it.)
Vincent: Dammit, these new clothes itch like crazy... (scratch scratch scratch)
Ansem: Vincent! YOU think not having any milk constitutes an emergency, don't you? This fool, in his Dark-brained state, says...
Riku: I am not dark-brained!
Ansem: Of course not, you're Dark-brained. It has a capital D.
Riku: GRAAAGH! (Sweat drop)
Vincent: (Starts walking towards them) Well, we do need milk, Riku, almost our entire food supply consists of breakfast cereaAAAH! (Trips over a bench and falls on his face. He gets up again, staggering sideways as he attempts to get his balance back.) Dammit, who put that there! I -(Walks into a roof support) OW! (Stumbles backwards... and falls down a stairs) WAAAAAAA- Oof ow dammit! (WHACK) Crap! (THUNK) F***! (CRASH) OW! (SLAM!) AAAAARG! (THUMP!)
Riku+ Ansem: ...
Vincent: Oooooooww...
Riku: I told you, dark glasses in a poorly-lit environment are -
Ansem: Shut up, just... shut up, right? Darkness is cool, whatever the situation.
Riku: Cool, maybe. But not safe.
Ansem: Didn't I tell you to shut up?
Vincent: Vision... fading.... the darkness is... so beautiful...
Ansem: I could have told you THAT.
Riku: (Thinking) I can't think how these idiots could possibly be thought of as a threat...(sigh) But I suppose I'll have to keep watching. I've been fooled before, after all...
***
MYSTERIOUS!
***
A long corridor, lined with doors, stretches before us, intersecting with another in the distance. There is not a sound, until...
Tidus' voice: Maybe there's some clothes in HERE!
(Sound of door opening, and a sound as of many balls falling out of an overstuffed closet.)
Tidus' voice: Damn. MORE stupid pink blitzballs.
(The camera slides forward and turns the corner, revealing Terra and Tidus standing in front of a door. Terra is in her human form again, and, lacking clothes, is making an attempt to cover herself with a smallish flag, some string, and a gamecube. Fortunately for this story's rating, two floating censor bars are availably to make up these item's failings. Tidus is standing closer to the door, and is waist-deep in a pile of glowing pink blitzballs.)
Terra: Hurry up and try the next door! I'm freezing my particulars off!
Tidus: (Struggles out of the pile) What IS this place, anyhow? Is it some kind of maze of randomness?
Terra: Close enough. It's a maze spell, cast by a wild mage. Kefka must have gotten one from the Forgotten Realms over to do it for him.
Tidus: Say wha'?
Terra: I am a magic user, y'know. I have to know things.
Tidus: You didn't know that trap was there.
Terra: Still thy tongue.
Tidus: (Instead of stilling it, he sticks it out at her, then goes over to the next door and tries it.)
Train beyond door: (Races toward him!)
Tidus: (closes door)... I wanna go home...
Voice: TOO BAD!
Tidus: Huh?
Kid Phoenix: (Rises slowly from a trapdoor that has just appeared in the floor.) Tidus, you have commited the uttermost crime of fanfic writing... You have PLAGIARISED ONE OF MY JOKES! For this you are compelled to accept my challenge... The challange of a court summons, a summons to the court of... JUDGE JUDY!
Tidus: Bring it on, Biznatch!
Terra: Oh dear...
*********
IT'S TIME FOR SOME WACKINESS!
*********
(A crowded courtroom, filled with characters from various universes. Kid Phoenix and Tidus look at each other darkly from their positions of prosocution and defence. Barret(ff7), dressed as a policeman, strides into the room.)
Barret: All rise.
Several people: (Stand up)
Barret: Hah! Yer out! Go on... get out o' here!
Outed people: (slink out in shame)
Barret: Alright, Simon Says all rise.
Everyone: (Stands up)
Barret: Excellent. Enter the honourable Judge Judy!
(Nothing happens)
Everyone: ?????
(Sounds of a scuffle in the Judges' chambers.)
Petulant voice: Hey, what are you-
(Chainsaw sounds.)
Petulant voice: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!
(Chainsaw stops.)
Everyone: (Silence.)
(Sounds similar to those of robes being put on.)
(Pause)
Zelda(Games with her name): (Enters, wearing judges robes and a crooked red wig.) Here I am! Please note that I AM Judge Judy, and definetly not the princess of Hyrule in a poor disguise! Isn't that right, Samus, Krystal?
Samus(Metroid): (Holding bloody chainsaw and attempting to clean a mysterious red liquid off her armour.) That's right!
Krystal: (Starfox Adventures): (Holding Zelda's princess clothes.) Of course!
Nameless extra: Come off it, missus! You carn't possibly be Judge Judy!
Judge Zelda: Um, of course I can, look, I've got the wig and all...
N. Extra: Yeah, roight!
Krystal: (Makes gesture at Samus.)
Samus: Hmm? Oh, right.
N. Extra: An' that's not all! If you ladies think-
(Suddenly, a chainsaw comes flying out of ABSOLUTELY NO-WHERE and embeds itself in his chest.)
N. Extra: This is wot oi get fer 'avin' unimaginative parents! (dies)
Inu-Yasha(His own series): Feh.
Barret: On with the trial!
J. Zelda: Tidus, you stand accused of plagiarism of Kid Phoenix's "Vale for" joke. How do you plead? Innocent, guilty, or not guilty?
Tidus: Not guilty!
J. Zelda: So you did it... but you're not guilty about it.
Tidus: That's right.
K. Phoenix: Hah! A confession! how do you expect to get away with it NOW!?
Tidus: With my two lawyers!
Squall(ff8): Whatever.
Leon(Kingdom Hearts): Whatever.
Zidane(ff9): You go, Tidus! You da man!
K. Phoenix: Well, aren't you well off?
Tidus: Sure am!
K. Phoenix: But you forget, I'm writing a Lord of the Rings fanfic... So I have access to... THE NINE NAZGUL LAWYERS!
(The door at the bottom of the court bursts open, and The Nine enter as mist spills into the room. They encircle Tidus and his lawyers as the slowly begin to open their briefcases...)
K. Phoenix: HA-HAHAHAHA!
Meanwhile, in the street outside...
Tellah(ff4): I am but an old man, my eyes are bent, my toes are crinkled and my nose knackered, slowly crossing the road without looking both ways...
Zell(ff8): (comes hoverboarding down the street) Look out, old man!
Tellah: What?
WHUMP!
At that exact moment, back inside the courtroom...
(The Nazgul suddenly turn their heads and screech in unison as they hurry out the door leading to the street outside, where ambulances can now be heard in the distance.)
K. Phoenix: Damn you, easily-distracted Ringwraiths!
J. Zelda: Well, now how will we decide the trial?
Terra: Actually, your honour, I've had the most strangely compicated yet plausible idea...
Later...
J. Zelda: (Wearing Samus' armour.) Well, that seems to have worked well, strange method though it is to decide justice.
(Everyone in the room is for some reason holding a balloon and wearing the clothes and hairstyle of the person to their left.)
Samus: (Wearing Krystal's weird tribal bikini-thing.) Can't... Breath... Bones... Deforming... Narrating... Own injuries...
Krystal: (Somewhere inside Barret's police outfit.) Oh shush, I'm sure you'll regain your original shape in a few days... Stupid policeman's outfit... (Mutters in dinosour language.)
Barret: (Dressed like Maechen(ffX)) hWhat hwas that about my siize?
Krystal: Nothing!
J. Zelda: (Bangs Samus' gun on the plinth.) Silence! Tidus has been found guilty! Take him away!
(Barret and Samus grab Tidus' arms.)
Barret: hWould you hlike to heah about our prisonns?
Tidus: NO! NO MAECHEN VOICE! ESCAPE!
(Tidus wiggles free and produces his sword from nowhere, as Final Fantasy characters often do.)
Tidus: Stay back! I've got a full overdrive bar and a hankerin' ta use it!
Maechen: You'd better do as he says!
J. Zelda: RANGERS!
( The doors suddenly collapse inward, andAragorn charges in, followed by dozens of rangers popping out of unlikely places and somersaulting at a dramatic camera angle towards Tidus making "Hyaah!" noises. They quickly surround Tidus, tie him up, and toss him out a window.)
Tidus: I WILL RETUUUUUURRRRRrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnn..... (THUMP)
(Silence.)
J. Zelda: ...Was that really neccasary?
Aragorn: (Shrug.)
J. Zelda: Oh well, I'm SURE it won't have any major repercussions to, say, THE PLOT. Anyway. Back to our original clothes, everyone!
Everyone: (Cheers, and then rushes towards the door at the same time.)
SPLAFATHUMPLAFUMP!
J. Zelda: Uh... Oh dear.
(Yes, you guessed it... They're all stuck in the door!)
Samus: Still... can't breath!
Inu-yasha: A demon of my arrogance shouldn't need to put up with this! Get out of my way, puny mortals! Feh!
Ranma(Ranma 1/2): Shut up!
K. Phoenix: Puny! That's it! Krystal, you're small! Wiggle free!
Krystal: I'm wiggling, I'm wiggling! Aah! Someone's got my tail!
Zidane: YOUR tail? I thought that was MY tail!
Squall: Whatever.
J. Zelda: Urf.. rrg... aagh!... RANGERS!
Aragorn: Swiftly, my fellow rangers... push!
(The rangers mass behind the trapped people and push with all their might... but to no avail!)
Aragorn: Hmm... Try kicking!
(The rangers attempt to kick the people through the door...)
Barret: Arrgh! My pancreas! Watch it, fools!
(...But find no success!)
Aragorn: Curses. Looks like i'll have to try... SOMETHING DRASTIC!
Everyone: Gasp!
Zidane: Hey! My bit! He's stealing my bit!
(Aragorn walks to the other side of the courtroom, and then turns back towards the door. The other rangers get out of the way. Aragorn then charges down the room, straight for the people in the door... not noticing the chair which has fallen in his path!)
Aragorn: SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN!
Rangers + People: WATCH OUT FOR THAT-
CRACK-WHAM!
Rangers + People: OOH!
Aragorn: ... (Gets up) ...Valar damn it! (He goes over and leans on on the squirming mass of people as he attempts to think of a solution... and in leaning on them, causes them all to pop out the other side of the door, right down the stairs on the other side.) Oops.
Halbarad( LotR: RotK): Don't worry. I'm sure they'll be all right.
Moments later, at the bottom of the stairs...
Ranma: *groan*
Inu-Yasha: Ha! I'm perfectly all right!
Ranma: Actuallly, it looks like your left knee is bending the wrong way.
Inu-Yasha: Feh! This is nothing!
Krystal: I think Barret cushioned my fall... hey, I'm wearing my own clothes and hair again!
Samus: My armour's back on me, but the legs are on my arms and the arms are on my legs...
Zelda: (Looks at herself) My dress... Barret's shirt... Kid Phoenix's hair...
(The two Squalls stand up. One has the Squall hair and the Leon clothes, and the other has the Leon hair and the Squall clothes.)
Squall 1: Dammit, how do we know which is Squall and which is Leon?
Squall 2: Eh... who cares?
Squall 1: Yeah.
Both: Whatever.
After a bit of sorting out...
Aragron: There you go. I'm sure the Squalls will remember who's who eventually.
Zelda: Thankyou, Mighty middle-earth rangers! But, um, may I ask...
Aragorn: Yes?
Zelda: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ALL WEARING TIGHTS?
Aragorn: Ah, those. It was Arwen's idea.
Samus: ... Why!?
Halbarad: Eell, um, with the tights...
Aragorn: We can do... THIS!
***
(Music begins. The rangers all line up, and begin... to sing.)
We're Men, Rangers in Tights. We go out and campaign For Halfling rights.
We're Men, Rangers in Tiiiiights. We kill those orcs and Evil things, That's Right!
We maaaaaaay look like Eeeeeeelf men,
But watch what you say Or else we'll put out your lights!
We're Men, Rangers in Tights! Always on guard 'gainst Creatures of the night
Dahdahdahdahdahdahdah
(Do the Can-can! Kick those legs, Rangers!)
Laa, la la la la LA LA la la la la LA LA La la la la la LAH LAH LAH lah lah la la
Laa, la la la la LA LA la la la la LA LA La la la la la la la la la.
We're Men MANLY MEN! Rangers in Tights - Yes!
We're out whether in sun Or in moonlight.
We're Men, Rangers in Tiiiiiiights. We watch the dwarves drink ale And break up the fights.
We maaaaaay look quite Giiiiiirly,
But watch what you say Or your back may sprout a knife!
We're Men, Rangers in Tights TIGHT tights!
Always on guard Defending by day or niiiiiight....
When you're in a fix Just call for the Rangers in Tiiiiiiiights! DUNEDAN!!
(Music end)
***
Samus: Wooo!
Zelda: That was great!
Aragron: Thank you, thank you...
Krystal: I thought I'd die laughing...
Voice: You may yet!
Everyone: HUH?
Elrond(LotR): There is a line in that song which insults elvish men. The Elvish Defamation Council thus demands that this song be stricken from the record, and in order for that to happen... Everyone who heard it must die.
Halbarad: And who's gonna kill us, huh?
Elrond: Why, we will.
Aragorn: We? There's just you!
Elrond: Yes. Me. But the great thing about me....
(Elrond grabs his robe and tosses it off, revealing a black suit over a white shirt. He calmly takes out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on.)
Elrond / Agent Smith(The Matrix): ... Is that there are so many of me!
(Hundreds of Elronds/Agent Smiths pour into the area from all directions, and surround the group, quickly eliminating all those that have not yet had any lines.)
Barret: Those damn fools! If they'd actaully done something they wouldn't be just nameless cannon fodder!
Zelda: Come on. Let's kick some ass. FOR HYRULE!
Barret: FOR DA PLANET!
K. Phoenix: PHOENIX SMACKDOWN!
Inu-Yasha: FEH!
Aragorn; SPOOOON!
Halbarad: DRAGON BALL Z STYLE!
Ranma: MOKO TAKABISHA!
Krystal: CRAZY LIKE A FOX!
Squalls: WHATEVER!
Zidane: PROTECT GIRLS!
Maechen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW HOW I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!?
Samus: DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Elrond/Agent Smith: As you say... Bring it.
(Everyone strikes a fighting stance.)
--------------------------------------------------
Y'know, I think that's a good place to break off and leave this scene until the next chapter, eh? Ha ha, cliffhanger! Onward with a different part of the story.
--------------------------------------------------
(A large shopping mall, full of people from various universes going about the business of shopping. Link, Yami Yugi and Bakura stroll into view.)
Link: And then, right, I hit it with my sword, and it bounced back, like.
Y. Yugi: And then I sent him to the shadow realm!
Bakura: Then I woke up and I was in a jail cell with two hippopotami and Bill Clinton's very own upside-down back-to-front cabbage tree.
Link: Bakura wins.
Y. Yugi: NOOOO! I AM THE KING OF GAMES! I MUST WIN ALL!
Bakura: It was only a Weird Last Line competition, Yugi, and yours was very unimaginative. It wasn't as if someone's life was on the line, which seems to happen with disturbing regularity these days.
Y. Yugi: I don't have to take this. I'm going back to Yugi's subconscious.
(Pause)
Bakura: Well?
Y. Yugi.: I don't wanna say it.
Bakura: You cannot deny the will of Strange Logic. If we say "transform" when we change, than when we change back we-
Y. Yugi: Oh, all right. MROFSNART! (Changes back into Yugi.)
Yugi: What... Oh, right. Not in a strip club, liquor store, high-security prison or specifically adults-only place this time, I'm glad to see.
Bakura: Great, isn't it?
Link: That happen a lot to you guys?
Yugi: Sure does. Hey, Bakura, remember the time we woke up in that apartment with-
(THUMP!)
(Wow, who would it be walking the other way but Ansem + Co.! What a story-driven coincidence!)
Vincent: (Falls backwards) Ow! Gor' crikey, me bum!
(A/N: IT IS FUNY BECUS IT IS OUT OF CHARACTAR!!! HA HA HA!!!!!1)
Ansem: Watch where you're going, you Dark- (Sees Bakura.) YOU!!
Bakura: ME!!
Ansem: So, THIS is where you've been hiding!
Bakura: Actually, I usually only come here every wedns-
Ansem: SILENCE! Your Dark wit shall not save you this time, Bakura-kun! (Darkness gathers about him.)
Bakura: But I thought you fled too, Ansem-san!
Ansem: ... Oh yeah. Forgot that. Sorry, old habit. (Brightens up) Ah, of course! Bakura-kun, you can join my Dark legion!
Vincent: I thought we weren't going to call ourselves legion until we got some more people...
Ansem: Screw the details, It's a good name! Well, Bakura-kun?
Bakura: If this "legion" of yours' purpose is as I think it is, then yes, I will join, Ansem-san.
Ansem: BRILLIANT! Oh happy day, Bakura, that we are no longer separate, but joined in our common cause, to resist the oppression of- (Realisation flashes across his face, and he slaps his hand over his mouth.) Whoops! Can't go revealing that much plot just yet!
Riku: Dammit! I wanted exposition!
Link: You and what readers remain. Me and Yugi, we'd like to get some small part in the proceedings.
Yugi: Yeah!
Ansem: Silence. I will not reveal my motivations just yet. Especially not to you, Riku, until I know what purpose caused you to join me.
Riku: ..... BUH?!?
Bakura: (Looks at Rikku.) Hmm. I don't recognise you, and Ansem-san gave you no suffix... You are not...
Ansem: He is not. He's natural.
Riku: (Now utterly perplexed.) ...huh?
Bakura: Wonder of wonders...
Ansem: You didn't think I wouldn't notice, did you, Riku? You have secret motivations, though I don't think you intend any harm. I think you'll be a powerful ally, but I won't trust you just yet.
Riku: I... suppose I'll just have to wait, so.
Ansem: Excellent. Now, let us away from this serious plot mystery, and get back to the zany hijinx! TO YE GROCERY SHOPPE, MY DARK LEGION!
Vincent, Riku + Bakura: AYE!
Bakura: (Suddenly remembers Link and Yugi.) Oh. I'm sorry, but.. I have things of personal importance to see to, following Ansem... Do you mind?
Link: 'Course not. I don't actually have anything better to do, so I'll probably follow you guys around for the heck of it.
Yugi: Me too. (Thinks of something) Link, didn't you say you had to stop Kefka?
Link: I don't think he'll be bothering anyone for a while.
(Meanwhile, deep in the dungeon of a dark castle, Kefka vainly attempts to open the lock to his cage.)
Kefka: Must... escape... must...
Ultimicia: (Enters the dungeon) Kefka, dear, I just remembered! It's time for your bath! I got a new shampoo I just have to try on you, and then its time for me to have a tea party with the other Sorceresses and YOU get to serve us! I got this darling French Maid outfit just for you!
Kefka: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(The walls of this dungeon have heard many screams of pain over the long centuries, but none such as this. It'll be a long night in the castle...)
Back with the main plot...
Yugi: Yeah, I get the feeling that Kefka is no longer a problem as well. Weird.
Link: Anyway, we're sticking with you, Bakura. We want to find out what all this business is about!
Bakura: You will... in time.
Ansem: Bakura-kun, Hurry up!
Bakura: Let's go.
Yugi: Yeah!
(They run off to join the Dark legion. The camera pans back... Revealing a solitary figure floating high above the city. She puts her hands on her hips, and a smile appears on her face.)
Ryoko (Tenchi Muyo): Oh, but the "serious plot mystery" has only just begun, Master of Darkness. you're smarter than Washu thought, but you'd better take good care of Riku... or you'll have to deal with me. (She teleports away.)
*CHAPTER END*
Mysterious, ain't it? Yes folks, we actually have a real plot! Tune in again, whenever I manage to get it done! AUTHOR AWAY!