Author's note: This was written in response to the November challenge on OCOH. It was to write a fic about Carter and Abby's first meeting when he comes back from Africa, without using spoilers, and with someone saying "welcome home stranger". I would post a link to OCOH here, but it seems fanfiction.net won't let me! Try typing "One can only hope Carby" into google, it usually comes up. Hosted on proboards. ;)

Anyway, on with the fic! Please feedback, and let me know what you think. This was quite a random idea, so I hope it works and is good. Thanks in advance, as always! Oh, and there are no spoilers in this, unless you haven't seen S10 so far, so you're all safe! :-D

Jo xx

Mess

My life's always been a mess. That's an indisputable fact. What changes is the level of mess that it is. When I was married to Richard I'd say the mess was at a pretty high level. I think it rose even higher when I was drinking heavily. But for the last few years, the mess subsided a little. Although my life was completely mucked up thanks to having the most dysfunctional family ever, I had things I could rely on. I was certain of two things in my life: my ability as a nurse, and my love for and from Carter. And those two things were enough to get me through any of the mess.

Well, almost. It turns out they weren't quite enough, or he would have stayed, and I would still be a nurse. I found myself without those two certainties. I was no longer a nurse, and Romano's constant verbal batterings made me lack the confidence that I needed in my abilities. Carter had run off to Africa, only sending me a letter to let me know we were better off 'unfettered'. I had no idea what he felt for me, and for a while I was so mad at him I didn't know what I felt either.

Eventually I came to a realisation. If I didn't care about him, then I wouldn't be so mad for so long. In some ways there was a comfort in realising I still loved him. A part of my safety net of certainties was back in place. Granted it wasn't the whole thing, there was a big gaping hole in the middle, but it was a start. From that, my confidence in my medical abilities began to grow. I told myself that I could do it, if only to show him how much I had grown and changed when he came back. If he came back. I started to ignore Romano, play out little conversations in my head of Carter telling me how to avoid him or how to put up with him. I even found myself laughing at one of my imaginary Carter's jokes once or twice. Looking back on it now, it seems like I was on the verge of being certifiable. Well, why not complete the family set?

I think everyone thought I had got over Carter. I became much happier once I reminded myself that I loved him, and I had my little imaginary Carter. I confided everything in him. A bit like when I was a kid, with my imaginary friend Rachel. I would tell her anything and everything, she was my closest confidant. I couldn't tell Maggie anything, I was terrified of what she would think or do. Rachel was always there in my mind for me to moan to, or have a laugh with. Imaginary Carter took over the duty that Rachel had left in my early teens. It was almost as good as having him back again. In a way, it was better than how we'd been before he left. We didn't argue, or get upset with each other for letting family come first. He just listened. Almost like when we were first dating, or even before that. And in my mind, imaginary Carter loved me back. I had my little things to cling onto, the things to get me through the mess. And it helped so much. Being up at two in the morning still studying PKU wasn't quite so painful. I was as happy as I could be.

What I wasn't prepared for was the real Carter coming back. I'd resigned myself to a life with my imagination and my medical textbooks, and then one day I walked into the ER and he was stood at the admit desk. As simple as that. Before if I had ever imagined his return it was in a way similar to last time. Except I didn't ask for my keys back. And he didn't run off to Africa again. But this time was so simple and normal. I almost didn't notice he was back, it was a normal thing for Carter to be stood at admit. But then he looked up and smiled at me, and I realised that he was really back. And it was really him. Our eyes locked, and I felt like I was about to break down in tears. Except I couldn't decide if they were tears of anger or joy.

"Welcome home, stranger!" Susan called, walking through the invisible line between us and breaking our eye contact. I could just see him grinning at her as she babbled on about something, and then he began to enthusiastically tell her something else. Not knowing what to do, I took off to the roof, the place of deep thought. And usually the place of significant Carter and Abby moments. I don't think I was consciously thinking that then, but I realise now that I was probably drawn there for that reason. The fateful Valentine's day, nearly four years ago. "So they're having a party downstairs. Do you think they started without us?" "I certainly hope not. Heads will roll!" And more recently, the night I got that call to say Eric was alive. "I want to marry you!" "What?" "I want to marry you." "Oh you're proposing?" "Yeah." "You're crazy!" "Well then I'll fit right in."

As I stood on the roof, deep in thought, I didn't hear anyone come up the stairs behind me. I didn't even notice that he was there until he was standing next to me. "Penny for your thoughts?" he asked.

"What?" I was broken out of my reminiscing, shocked by his presence.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Oh nothing. It doesn't matter."

"You don't come to the roof for nothing."

"You know, you've got a cheek, coming here and demanding to know what I'm thinking, after you ran off to Africa and then broke up me in a letter," I snapped, not thinking what I was saying. At that moment I didn't care that I loved him. He'd hurt me, and he deserved to be hurt back.

"Sorry," was all he managed to offer. That just made me even more annoyed with him.

"Sorry? Is that all you can say to me? I can't believe you, after everything you expect to be able to come back and chat to me like everything's normal, with just a measly 'sorry' when I prompt you for it." He didn't respond to that. The silence which followed was almost eerie. I didn't know what to say. What more was there to say?

"Do you remember three and a half years ago?" he suddenly asked, breaking the silence. "There's warmer places to be alone."

"There's the furnace room in the basement, and the incubators up in the NICU," I found myself mumbling in response.

"Do you want the good news, or the bad news?" I was beginning to wonder if he was trying to replicate that conversation. I was pretty certain he didn't want the events that came after it again.

"Huh?"

"The good news is…" he took a deep breath, sighing slightly. "I'm so sorry I left you Abby. I was a complete idiot, I don't know what I was doing, I wasn't thinking straight. But Africa put a lot of things in perspective for me, made me realise how much I would actually be losing if I never had you again. I'd be losing the only woman I have ever loved, and still love."

"What's the bad news?" I whispered, unsure whether I wanted to hear it, and still trying to make sense of everything he was saying.

"The bad news is, I don't think I can just be your friend. I want to be with you Abby. But, I understand if you hate me…"

"No!" I exclaimed. Despite my annoyance at him I couldn't have him believing I hated him. I was then faced with a dilemma though: what should I tell him? Should I tell him I loved him, and I'd been playing out fantasies in my mind the whole time he was gone? Should I lie, and tell him I didn't want him anymore?

"Well?" he looked at me eagerly.

"You hurt me Carter. You really, really hurt me." I felt a pang of guilt when I saw the distraught look on his face. Let me finish, Carter. "But there's something, I don't know what, that keeps me from just brushing you aside and forgetting about you. I don't think there was a moment I didn't think about you while you were away. And that's because I love you. But I can't just forgive you with a snap of the fingers." I looked at him, my eyes blazing with passion: passionate love, and passionate anger. "I may love you, but that doesn't give you a free ticket home. I don't want to be hurt that much again. And there is no one else who can hurt me that much, because no one means as much to me." He watched me intently, a look of both hope and confusion etched on his face. "Do you understand John? I can't just go back to what we had. We have to start from the beginning again. Now I love you, but I have to learn to like you again."

"Yeah." He nodded his head. "Thank you for being honest with me." I smiled weakly, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it tightly. "So, where's the beginning? Me shooting up in a trauma room? Or Doc Magoo's?"

"Actually, I really have a lot of studying to do tonight."

"Do you want a hand?"

"Yeah, that would be nice. Thank you."

And so now, three months later, I'm sitting in my apartment, studying as always. John Carter, my fiancé, has gone to fetch us fish and chips for dinner. And I'm happier than I could imagine. Of course my life's still a mess. But I have my certainties to hold onto. I have John Carter's love, and I have the confidence to do my job, and to know that I am doing it well. When I was sat alone at home, with just textbooks and the Carter in my mind I thought that would be the happiest I could be. I thought that the real thing would be too complicated. But I was wrong. The real thing isn't complicated, it's amazing. Love is amazing. He's someone who I can have a laugh with, and then have a serious conversation with the next second. And I can tell him absolutely anything. Except maybe the fact that I used to have him as an imaginary friend.

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