***Author's Note:
I feel like I need to explain this one a bit. Impatient readers may skip ahead.
This morning when I got to work, I found out no one knew I was coming today. They thought I wasn't due back at that school for another week. Therefore, I had nothing to do all day. I started randomly jotting down the odd verses, and, four hours of bordome later, I had the epic of Baruffio.
The footnotes are because… well, frankly, it's a bit of a dig at the Norton Anthologies that I used all through college.
By the way, the thing is intended to be humorous, i.e., I'm not trying to write the Odyssey here. I'm no poet.
Anyway, enjoy this rather odd bit of fanfiction.
--neoepiphany****************************************************
"'Now don't forget that nice wrist movement we've been practicing!' squeaked Professor Flitwick, perched on top of his pile of books as usual. 'Swish and flick, remember, swish and flick. And saying the magic words properly is very important, too—never forget Wizard Baruffio, who said 's' instead of 'f' and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest.'" ---Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Chapter 10
The Mighty Epic of the Wizard Baruffio
A work in 62 iambic couplets
No doubt you know of Merlin, sage of old,
Or of Flamel who turned lead into Gold.
Cliodna enjoyed a most wide repute,
And Morgan's name's well known to the astute.
But there is one whose name does not appear
On any list of famous wizards here. (1)
His deeds were great, although his name is not,
And yet—alas!—they both have been forgot.
There is a wizard whom all our kind should know:
The Great and Wise Wizard Baruffio!
They say a shower of stars did mark his birth,
Golden lights that fell unto the earth.
His mother cried, despite her labor pain,
"I surely won't be doing this again!" (2)
So not a brother young Baruffio had,
And ran he wild, in only drake skin clad. (3)
While a small boy, he was a funny creature,
Had an aging centaur for a teacher. (4)
Watched all the games down at the Queerditch Pitch (5)
Built himself a broomstick out of a willow switch.
While still a lad, he went to Hogwarts School
And made an education his first tool.
In Rowena's own house the boy was taught, (6)
Where nimble wits and clever minds are sought.
At seventeen, he went into the world,
His new-trained powers and quick mind unfurled.
At twenty-one he met the Paris Sphinx,
A most notorious and beguiling minx!
Her riddle left most wizards well perplexed,
And she would spring upon them, sorely vexed.
The answer no one ever seemed to know
Until along came young Baruffio.
"What beast is cursed to know not rest or peace,
and challenges each creature that it sees?
Its lovely face belies a darker nature,
For comely limbs can be a sign of danger.
What beast then, Wizard? And tell me true!"
"Why, my dear sphinx!" Baruffio said, "It's you!"
And at these words, the sphinx jumped in the Rheine,
And was not heard from in those parts again. (7)
At twenty eight, he crossed the oceans blue,
To learn from Asian masters potions new. (8)
He put his mind into a real up-fixer,
And so invented Baruffio's Brain Elixer.
One swallow jogs the memory three-fold,
One glass will make the mind as good as gold. (9)
On Brain Elixer sales, his fortune bloomed,
Which Baruffio used to seek treasures entombed
In ancient cels of alchemists and kings,
And gained what fame such treasure hunting brings.
He found the mighty box of Ghengis Foo,
Whose fumes will fill the nostrils up with goo. (10)
The Chamber Pot of Shadows was his find—
A tricky feat! The pot strikes all eyes blind! (11)
He found the roots of Golgoth and of Ghent, (12)
He found bright jewels in Fiji when he went. (13)
At last to England our Hero returned,
To spend the mighty fortune he had earned.
But soon his peers did come to him for aid,
A gang of giants had their village made (14)
Into a place of fighting, shouting, fear;
They ate the cows and drank up all the beer.
Baruffio, no match for Giant strength,
Considered the problem for quite a length.
Then, to the Giant Gurg he made his way;
Legend tells us this is what he had to say:
"Against you all, my spells are strong enough,
Yet fighting foolish, for your hides are tough.
So it seams in deadlock we are met,
Unless you would enjoy a little bet?"
Barrufio most wisely chose this gambol,
For Giants, largely, do quite like to gamble.
The Gurg agreed, the termes were set in stone—
Whoever lost the match must leave the town alone.
Baruffio plungued a hand into his vest;
"Now think hard, Gurg, and say when you have guessed
What object now inside my pocket lies?"
The Great Gurg laughed and rolled his yard-tall eyes.
"You stupid man!" his rumbling tones did ring.
"Without a doubt, it is a magic ring!" (15)
Baruffio's eyes assumed an evil glint,
As he revealed a wad of pocket lint.
As one the giants were struck sadly dumb,
And left the town; their faces all were glum. (16)
And much the townsfolk did sing and rejoice
And offered him the reward of his choice.
At length he thought, and then suddenly cried,
"All I lack in my life is a bride!"
They offered up the prettiest maiden there,
Elwynne, often thought Ravenclaw's own heir.
She was just right, Baruffio decided,
And so the happy couple was united. (17)
With chlidren twelve their union was then blessed, (18)
And Baruffio had a time of happy rest.
At sixty five, he claimed such recreation
To be better than any prior occupation.
But while his youngest child was still baby-mewing,
Our Great Baruffio met his own undoing.
He tried to please his brood one rainy day
By showing them some charms with which to play.
A simple Dancing-Ears charm he did try,
And then, quite suddenly, did that mage die.
His ears, they failed to dance about his head,
For tragically, the spell was poorly said.
Baruffio spoke "s" instead of "f"
A conjured a buffalo to his chest.
They laid him low within a mighty tomb,
Bottles of his Elixir filled the room.
In front, a mighty iron door was placed,
His name in silver filigree was traced.
And so, the world was filled with awful woe (19)
Upon the loss of Great Baruffio.
And so this tale concludes, the course is run,
And with these final lines my poem's done.
But if from these words you will take naught,
There is a lesson not to be forgot.
When using charms, please mind your incantations,
Or else buy mourning garb for your relations.
Take care with every syllable you speak,
Or else the outcome's foul, the prospect's bleak.
And if with haste through charms class you would go,
Remember well the Great Baruffio.
______________________________________________________________
(1) "On any list of famous wizards here." The original version of this poem was, according to popular belief, penned in the margins of a History of Magic textbook by a bored 7th year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry approximately 527 years ago. It was revised and published in the celebrated volume "Marginalia," a collection of six century's worth of Hogwarts students' literary graffiti.
(2) "'I surely won't be doing this again!'" From the diary of Agnes Stoutwater, midwife at the birth: "Ande she [Baruffio's mother] did beate her husbande about the crowne with the bedpan, and did crie to him, 'It was you what donne this to me you son of a bludger! You shall not touche me againe!' Ande truly, that night, his slippers were removed from her chamber."
(3) "…in only drake skin clad." The only surviving childhood portrait of Baruffio depicts him at approximately ten years of age, wearing a dragon skin loincloth, and holding a very angry jarvey by the foot.
(4) "Had an aging centaur for a teacher." The reference is apocryphal, but could refer to Thadius, the famed centaur teacher of the Sorceress Evadne. Centaurs, however, rarely assume teaching positions.
(5) "Queerditch Pitch" Queerditch Marsh. By Baruffio's time, Quidditch would have spread beyond the Marsh. Baruffio was famously a quidditch fan—in his mid thirties, he offered to marry every member of the winning team of an all-witch quidditch game; unfortunately, the game ended in a draw when the Snidget was eaten by a passing thestral.
(6) "Rowena's own house" Ravenclaw. It is curious to note that despite Baruffio's later claims to have been a Ravenclaw, his name is curiously absent Sir Arthur Piggens's famous collection, "Of Nimble Mindes: Greate Ravenclaws," published just ten years after Baruffio's death. Modern scholars theorize that he was, in fact, a Hufflepuff.
(7) "…jumped in the Rheine…" From the diary of Baruffio's butler, Norbus Wilikins: "The greate sfinks growled as though in angerr, and she didd jumpe at us. But Masterre ducked and she fell into the river, where I didde clubbe her with my boote."
(8) "Asian masters…" Baruffio disguised himself and his butler as deaf and dumb Japanese wizards, and traveled to Edo, where they apprenticed themselves to the reknowned Potions Master, Mahoutskau Nakamura.
(9) "Good as gold…" The mind will be improved for about forty five minutes—just long enough for the seller to get out of hexing range.
(10) "…goo." The snuffbox of Ghengis Foo is on permanent display in the Aural Oddities section of the British Wizarding Museum.
(11) "The Chamber Pot of Shadows…" According to legend, Cleopatra commissioned this vessel from her head wizard, demanding a piece fit for a queen. Annoyed at the menial task, the wizard charmed the pot to become invisible when full, a popular prank in pre-privvy days. Unfortunately, the spell backfired, and strikes viewers blind instead. The pot is not on display anywhere, but is held in a lead-lined box in the basement of the Wizarding Wing of the Cairo Gallery.
(12) "The roots of Golgoth and of Ghent." Probably the Cognavita root, a central ingredient in Baruffio's Brain Elixir.
(13) "…jewels in Fiji…" Probably fire crabs.
(14) "village" Hogswill, a small village that became part of modern day Hogsmeade.
(15) "magic ring" Every account of the Hogswill incident agrees upon this point alone—that the Gurg believed Baruffio had a magic ring. Why he settled upon this particular object, and furthermore, why he was so certain Baruffio ha it, is unknown.
(16) "…glum." The most disputed portion of the poem; no one familiar with giants can accept the concept of them quietly shuffling away after being tricked in this way. Scholars believed a more accurate account is found in Wilikins's diary: "Ande masterre pulled out some fuzze from his pockett, and the Giantes were moste angry. The bigge one tried to squash us between two rockes, but Masterre hit him in the eye with a curse, and he did flail about so much that alle the giantes did fall fromme the cliffe, and did splatte upon the rockes, and there was a foule stench for many yeares."
(17) "happy couple" From the diary of Elwynne Baruffio: "I cannot believe I am beinge forced to marry this thicke headed haddock. They wille have to drag me to the altar at wande pointe."
(18) "children twelve" They had twelve children over the course of fifteen years, including the famous Terror Triplets, Donace, Glorid, and Floridia. Of course, the most esteemed of Baruffio's children was Estarchus the Odd who invented the nose-biting teacup.
(19) "awful woe" Baruffio's funeral was attended by exactly 25 people: 13 were his wife and children, his mother and father were two, the priest and caterers accounted for five more. The remaining five were apparently a bit confused about whose funeral exactly they were attending, as they continually referred to the deceased as "Buffalorio."
I feel like I need to explain this one a bit. Impatient readers may skip ahead.
This morning when I got to work, I found out no one knew I was coming today. They thought I wasn't due back at that school for another week. Therefore, I had nothing to do all day. I started randomly jotting down the odd verses, and, four hours of bordome later, I had the epic of Baruffio.
The footnotes are because… well, frankly, it's a bit of a dig at the Norton Anthologies that I used all through college.
By the way, the thing is intended to be humorous, i.e., I'm not trying to write the Odyssey here. I'm no poet.
Anyway, enjoy this rather odd bit of fanfiction.
--neoepiphany****************************************************
"'Now don't forget that nice wrist movement we've been practicing!' squeaked Professor Flitwick, perched on top of his pile of books as usual. 'Swish and flick, remember, swish and flick. And saying the magic words properly is very important, too—never forget Wizard Baruffio, who said 's' instead of 'f' and found himself on the floor with a buffalo on his chest.'" ---Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Chapter 10
The Mighty Epic of the Wizard Baruffio
A work in 62 iambic couplets
No doubt you know of Merlin, sage of old,
Or of Flamel who turned lead into Gold.
Cliodna enjoyed a most wide repute,
And Morgan's name's well known to the astute.
But there is one whose name does not appear
On any list of famous wizards here. (1)
His deeds were great, although his name is not,
And yet—alas!—they both have been forgot.
There is a wizard whom all our kind should know:
The Great and Wise Wizard Baruffio!
They say a shower of stars did mark his birth,
Golden lights that fell unto the earth.
His mother cried, despite her labor pain,
"I surely won't be doing this again!" (2)
So not a brother young Baruffio had,
And ran he wild, in only drake skin clad. (3)
While a small boy, he was a funny creature,
Had an aging centaur for a teacher. (4)
Watched all the games down at the Queerditch Pitch (5)
Built himself a broomstick out of a willow switch.
While still a lad, he went to Hogwarts School
And made an education his first tool.
In Rowena's own house the boy was taught, (6)
Where nimble wits and clever minds are sought.
At seventeen, he went into the world,
His new-trained powers and quick mind unfurled.
At twenty-one he met the Paris Sphinx,
A most notorious and beguiling minx!
Her riddle left most wizards well perplexed,
And she would spring upon them, sorely vexed.
The answer no one ever seemed to know
Until along came young Baruffio.
"What beast is cursed to know not rest or peace,
and challenges each creature that it sees?
Its lovely face belies a darker nature,
For comely limbs can be a sign of danger.
What beast then, Wizard? And tell me true!"
"Why, my dear sphinx!" Baruffio said, "It's you!"
And at these words, the sphinx jumped in the Rheine,
And was not heard from in those parts again. (7)
At twenty eight, he crossed the oceans blue,
To learn from Asian masters potions new. (8)
He put his mind into a real up-fixer,
And so invented Baruffio's Brain Elixer.
One swallow jogs the memory three-fold,
One glass will make the mind as good as gold. (9)
On Brain Elixer sales, his fortune bloomed,
Which Baruffio used to seek treasures entombed
In ancient cels of alchemists and kings,
And gained what fame such treasure hunting brings.
He found the mighty box of Ghengis Foo,
Whose fumes will fill the nostrils up with goo. (10)
The Chamber Pot of Shadows was his find—
A tricky feat! The pot strikes all eyes blind! (11)
He found the roots of Golgoth and of Ghent, (12)
He found bright jewels in Fiji when he went. (13)
At last to England our Hero returned,
To spend the mighty fortune he had earned.
But soon his peers did come to him for aid,
A gang of giants had their village made (14)
Into a place of fighting, shouting, fear;
They ate the cows and drank up all the beer.
Baruffio, no match for Giant strength,
Considered the problem for quite a length.
Then, to the Giant Gurg he made his way;
Legend tells us this is what he had to say:
"Against you all, my spells are strong enough,
Yet fighting foolish, for your hides are tough.
So it seams in deadlock we are met,
Unless you would enjoy a little bet?"
Barrufio most wisely chose this gambol,
For Giants, largely, do quite like to gamble.
The Gurg agreed, the termes were set in stone—
Whoever lost the match must leave the town alone.
Baruffio plungued a hand into his vest;
"Now think hard, Gurg, and say when you have guessed
What object now inside my pocket lies?"
The Great Gurg laughed and rolled his yard-tall eyes.
"You stupid man!" his rumbling tones did ring.
"Without a doubt, it is a magic ring!" (15)
Baruffio's eyes assumed an evil glint,
As he revealed a wad of pocket lint.
As one the giants were struck sadly dumb,
And left the town; their faces all were glum. (16)
And much the townsfolk did sing and rejoice
And offered him the reward of his choice.
At length he thought, and then suddenly cried,
"All I lack in my life is a bride!"
They offered up the prettiest maiden there,
Elwynne, often thought Ravenclaw's own heir.
She was just right, Baruffio decided,
And so the happy couple was united. (17)
With chlidren twelve their union was then blessed, (18)
And Baruffio had a time of happy rest.
At sixty five, he claimed such recreation
To be better than any prior occupation.
But while his youngest child was still baby-mewing,
Our Great Baruffio met his own undoing.
He tried to please his brood one rainy day
By showing them some charms with which to play.
A simple Dancing-Ears charm he did try,
And then, quite suddenly, did that mage die.
His ears, they failed to dance about his head,
For tragically, the spell was poorly said.
Baruffio spoke "s" instead of "f"
A conjured a buffalo to his chest.
They laid him low within a mighty tomb,
Bottles of his Elixir filled the room.
In front, a mighty iron door was placed,
His name in silver filigree was traced.
And so, the world was filled with awful woe (19)
Upon the loss of Great Baruffio.
And so this tale concludes, the course is run,
And with these final lines my poem's done.
But if from these words you will take naught,
There is a lesson not to be forgot.
When using charms, please mind your incantations,
Or else buy mourning garb for your relations.
Take care with every syllable you speak,
Or else the outcome's foul, the prospect's bleak.
And if with haste through charms class you would go,
Remember well the Great Baruffio.
______________________________________________________________
(1) "On any list of famous wizards here." The original version of this poem was, according to popular belief, penned in the margins of a History of Magic textbook by a bored 7th year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry approximately 527 years ago. It was revised and published in the celebrated volume "Marginalia," a collection of six century's worth of Hogwarts students' literary graffiti.
(2) "'I surely won't be doing this again!'" From the diary of Agnes Stoutwater, midwife at the birth: "Ande she [Baruffio's mother] did beate her husbande about the crowne with the bedpan, and did crie to him, 'It was you what donne this to me you son of a bludger! You shall not touche me againe!' Ande truly, that night, his slippers were removed from her chamber."
(3) "…in only drake skin clad." The only surviving childhood portrait of Baruffio depicts him at approximately ten years of age, wearing a dragon skin loincloth, and holding a very angry jarvey by the foot.
(4) "Had an aging centaur for a teacher." The reference is apocryphal, but could refer to Thadius, the famed centaur teacher of the Sorceress Evadne. Centaurs, however, rarely assume teaching positions.
(5) "Queerditch Pitch" Queerditch Marsh. By Baruffio's time, Quidditch would have spread beyond the Marsh. Baruffio was famously a quidditch fan—in his mid thirties, he offered to marry every member of the winning team of an all-witch quidditch game; unfortunately, the game ended in a draw when the Snidget was eaten by a passing thestral.
(6) "Rowena's own house" Ravenclaw. It is curious to note that despite Baruffio's later claims to have been a Ravenclaw, his name is curiously absent Sir Arthur Piggens's famous collection, "Of Nimble Mindes: Greate Ravenclaws," published just ten years after Baruffio's death. Modern scholars theorize that he was, in fact, a Hufflepuff.
(7) "…jumped in the Rheine…" From the diary of Baruffio's butler, Norbus Wilikins: "The greate sfinks growled as though in angerr, and she didd jumpe at us. But Masterre ducked and she fell into the river, where I didde clubbe her with my boote."
(8) "Asian masters…" Baruffio disguised himself and his butler as deaf and dumb Japanese wizards, and traveled to Edo, where they apprenticed themselves to the reknowned Potions Master, Mahoutskau Nakamura.
(9) "Good as gold…" The mind will be improved for about forty five minutes—just long enough for the seller to get out of hexing range.
(10) "…goo." The snuffbox of Ghengis Foo is on permanent display in the Aural Oddities section of the British Wizarding Museum.
(11) "The Chamber Pot of Shadows…" According to legend, Cleopatra commissioned this vessel from her head wizard, demanding a piece fit for a queen. Annoyed at the menial task, the wizard charmed the pot to become invisible when full, a popular prank in pre-privvy days. Unfortunately, the spell backfired, and strikes viewers blind instead. The pot is not on display anywhere, but is held in a lead-lined box in the basement of the Wizarding Wing of the Cairo Gallery.
(12) "The roots of Golgoth and of Ghent." Probably the Cognavita root, a central ingredient in Baruffio's Brain Elixir.
(13) "…jewels in Fiji…" Probably fire crabs.
(14) "village" Hogswill, a small village that became part of modern day Hogsmeade.
(15) "magic ring" Every account of the Hogswill incident agrees upon this point alone—that the Gurg believed Baruffio had a magic ring. Why he settled upon this particular object, and furthermore, why he was so certain Baruffio ha it, is unknown.
(16) "…glum." The most disputed portion of the poem; no one familiar with giants can accept the concept of them quietly shuffling away after being tricked in this way. Scholars believed a more accurate account is found in Wilikins's diary: "Ande masterre pulled out some fuzze from his pockett, and the Giantes were moste angry. The bigge one tried to squash us between two rockes, but Masterre hit him in the eye with a curse, and he did flail about so much that alle the giantes did fall fromme the cliffe, and did splatte upon the rockes, and there was a foule stench for many yeares."
(17) "happy couple" From the diary of Elwynne Baruffio: "I cannot believe I am beinge forced to marry this thicke headed haddock. They wille have to drag me to the altar at wande pointe."
(18) "children twelve" They had twelve children over the course of fifteen years, including the famous Terror Triplets, Donace, Glorid, and Floridia. Of course, the most esteemed of Baruffio's children was Estarchus the Odd who invented the nose-biting teacup.
(19) "awful woe" Baruffio's funeral was attended by exactly 25 people: 13 were his wife and children, his mother and father were two, the priest and caterers accounted for five more. The remaining five were apparently a bit confused about whose funeral exactly they were attending, as they continually referred to the deceased as "Buffalorio."