Chapter 4: Forgiveness.
Remus gazed up at the night sky.. Flashbacks of nightly prowlings with his friends played through his mind. He slowly brought his head down to where he could stare at the ground. He didn't want to be angry anymore. he didn't want these gaping holes in his heart and soul. He wanted to move on. He wanted to forgive him.. But could he?
Silently the tears began to fall. He could no longer hold them back. It was real. James And Lily were gone. Peter as well. And Sirius might as well be gone too. No matter how hard remus tried to pin all this pain on Sirius.. He couldn't. he just couldn't truly believe a man like Sirius would do all of this.
Guilt was now upon him ... thinking that writing such a harsh letter would free his soul was ludicrous.
" why wont you stop .. Why cant you let me be." remus breathed, wiping his eyes half heartedly.
He owed Sirius his life. for many a time he had saved him. and hurt himself in the process. He was his best friend.. And now he felt as though he was the traitor. The one betraying everyone else.
Remus sighed heavily, trudging back into his broken down house, on a vacant quiet street. He knew good and well that James would have forgiven Sirius without fail or second notion. They were brothers... perhaps not by blood, but by heart. Why couldn't he do the same? Why did he feel this undeniable urge to hate Sirius with everything he possessed?
He sat down at his mahogany desk and began rummaging through one of the many drawers. After a minute or so he pulled out a dusty, somewhat tattered looking scrapbook of some sort. He opened it and leafed through the pages at first, then stopped about a quarter of the way through the middle.
Remus stared at the page.. But not just the page.. But the single picture pasted to it.
"6th year." he mumbled to himself.. Shaking his head.
The picture showed all 4 boys in school uniform and robes. They stood in the snow with scarves and mittens.. Laughing and shoving each other around.
Starting from the far right was Peter.. Short and plump with brown hair and dull gray eyes. He grunted as james hit him hard on the back... laughing histerically. He never really smiled sincerely... he always had this nervous look about him. Remus smiled. He could remember that moment like it was yesterday.. Peter never really changed much in demeanor or looks as he got older.. Always the seem sort of weak disposition, still he was a good friend to remus.. Also to James and Sirius. Next to Peter was James... who was now horsing around with Sirius.. Remus could hear James laughing as Sirius got him into a headlock, then let him go easily. They then turned to face forward and waved... James looked same as always. Messy untamed black hair, brown eyes, genuine smile.
Remus turned away for a moment. God how he wanted to reach out and touch James.. Wishing he was still around. wishing he wasn't so alone. He would've given anything to go back to when days were carefree and the biggest woe on his mind was the next potions exam.
Next to James was none other then Sirius... he was tall with longish black hair and bright blue eyes. His hair flipped out in all directions.. Making him seemingly irresistible to almost every girl in the school at the time. He punched remus in the arm.. Then ducked quickly out of the way to avoid the repercussion.
Remus couldn't help but remember that some of the greatest times in his life consisted of Sirius making an ass of himself in some way.. Or simply just making a serious study session, a chaotic prank plotting meeting. He admitted it. he truly did miss his best friend. He even missed the often terrible double dating setups he made remus attend..
On the farthest right was Himself. Young and full of youth. Long sandy brown hair and light honey colored eyes.. He was smiling and waving at the camera as well. Happiness.. It was sheer happiness that he felt those 7 years. For the first time in his life he had belonged.
Remus closed the book solemnly and left it atop his desk. He left the den area and entered his room. lying down on his bed. Forgiveness was the first step to letting go... forgive was what he needed to do.
Remus gazed up at the night sky.. Flashbacks of nightly prowlings with his friends played through his mind. He slowly brought his head down to where he could stare at the ground. He didn't want to be angry anymore. he didn't want these gaping holes in his heart and soul. He wanted to move on. He wanted to forgive him.. But could he?
Silently the tears began to fall. He could no longer hold them back. It was real. James And Lily were gone. Peter as well. And Sirius might as well be gone too. No matter how hard remus tried to pin all this pain on Sirius.. He couldn't. he just couldn't truly believe a man like Sirius would do all of this.
Guilt was now upon him ... thinking that writing such a harsh letter would free his soul was ludicrous.
" why wont you stop .. Why cant you let me be." remus breathed, wiping his eyes half heartedly.
He owed Sirius his life. for many a time he had saved him. and hurt himself in the process. He was his best friend.. And now he felt as though he was the traitor. The one betraying everyone else.
Remus sighed heavily, trudging back into his broken down house, on a vacant quiet street. He knew good and well that James would have forgiven Sirius without fail or second notion. They were brothers... perhaps not by blood, but by heart. Why couldn't he do the same? Why did he feel this undeniable urge to hate Sirius with everything he possessed?
He sat down at his mahogany desk and began rummaging through one of the many drawers. After a minute or so he pulled out a dusty, somewhat tattered looking scrapbook of some sort. He opened it and leafed through the pages at first, then stopped about a quarter of the way through the middle.
Remus stared at the page.. But not just the page.. But the single picture pasted to it.
"6th year." he mumbled to himself.. Shaking his head.
The picture showed all 4 boys in school uniform and robes. They stood in the snow with scarves and mittens.. Laughing and shoving each other around.
Starting from the far right was Peter.. Short and plump with brown hair and dull gray eyes. He grunted as james hit him hard on the back... laughing histerically. He never really smiled sincerely... he always had this nervous look about him. Remus smiled. He could remember that moment like it was yesterday.. Peter never really changed much in demeanor or looks as he got older.. Always the seem sort of weak disposition, still he was a good friend to remus.. Also to James and Sirius. Next to Peter was James... who was now horsing around with Sirius.. Remus could hear James laughing as Sirius got him into a headlock, then let him go easily. They then turned to face forward and waved... James looked same as always. Messy untamed black hair, brown eyes, genuine smile.
Remus turned away for a moment. God how he wanted to reach out and touch James.. Wishing he was still around. wishing he wasn't so alone. He would've given anything to go back to when days were carefree and the biggest woe on his mind was the next potions exam.
Next to James was none other then Sirius... he was tall with longish black hair and bright blue eyes. His hair flipped out in all directions.. Making him seemingly irresistible to almost every girl in the school at the time. He punched remus in the arm.. Then ducked quickly out of the way to avoid the repercussion.
Remus couldn't help but remember that some of the greatest times in his life consisted of Sirius making an ass of himself in some way.. Or simply just making a serious study session, a chaotic prank plotting meeting. He admitted it. he truly did miss his best friend. He even missed the often terrible double dating setups he made remus attend..
On the farthest right was Himself. Young and full of youth. Long sandy brown hair and light honey colored eyes.. He was smiling and waving at the camera as well. Happiness.. It was sheer happiness that he felt those 7 years. For the first time in his life he had belonged.
Remus closed the book solemnly and left it atop his desk. He left the den area and entered his room. lying down on his bed. Forgiveness was the first step to letting go... forgive was what he needed to do.