Title: So You Wanna Date a SSX-er
Rating: PG-13 – we guess
Authors: Sparkle (RnBwRvrGrl) and Digital Tempest (Tempest)
Email: rnbwrvrgrl_and_digitaltempest@yahoo.com
Summary: The madness begins. Once again, high sugar intake and insanity have brought you another Sparkle and Tempest production courtesy of wacky MSN conversations. We were bored. *shrugs*
Authors' Notes: Don't kill us we were just having fun. Flame if you must but Flames toast s'mores! This isn't meant to be taken seriously at all. This is very tongue-in-cheek if you want to know what you're in for check out our other weirdo fic "So You Wanna Date A Duck". We do this from time to time just to have a little fun. It's odd. It's supposed to be. No regrets. Extreme OOCness and silliness ahead. Some of these questions were inspired by *cough*stolen from*cough* Bolt's honey quiz thingie. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
-x-
-Sparkle skips into the room, dragging Tempest along behind her because it's a common known fact that Tempest is always forced into these things.-
Tempest: It's freakin' cold here. Couldn't you pick another location to do this? *looks around* Where are we anyway?
Sparkle: ^____^ On a mountain.
Tempest: A mountain?! What in heavens name for? *glares* You're about to do something evil again, aren't you? I wants no parts of this. You remember what happened last time.
[Cut scene: Tempest in a ninja outfit throwing whizzing ninja disks at a boy in hockey gear.]
Sparkle: This time around it'll be better. *says sweetly* I promise.
Tempest: You promised me that last time, and you know what happened. Let's see, you got a kid kidnapped, your house nearly burnt down, you got me yelled at by some corporate bigwigs, you used me as ransom, you used me as ransom AGAIN. You—
Sparkle: Alright. Alright. I'm sorry. Geesh! Some people are so unappreciative. C'mon Tempest, this'll be fun.
Tempest: Where have I heard that line before? OH RIGHT! IN THE OTHER FIC WHERE YOU HELD ME FOR RANSOM!
Sparkle: I was gonna get you back. No worries, mate.
Tempest: So, what are we doing here?
Sparkle: Have you looked at the title for this fic, my friend?
-Tempest reads the title of the fic aloud, "So You Wanna Date…" she trails off.-
Tempest: Oh no… Sparkle… please, no… *backs toward the door* NOT AGAIN!
Sparkle: Oh yes. Again! THIS TIME WE SHALL BE SUCCESSFUL!
Tempest: We? Since when did this become a "we" thing?
Sparkle: Since right now.
Tempest: Hey, I gotta a great idea! Why don't we just not do this? It's not too late to pull out.
-Sparkle doesn't listen to Tempest as she pulls out her handy, dandy duct tape and walks out the door.-
Tempest: Uh-oh…
-Sparkle walks back into the room with a body hogtied in duct tape.-
Tempest: ~_~ … and the gods laughed.
Sparkle: *struggles to drag the body across the room* A little help here…
Tempest: *shakes head* Oh hell no. You're going down for this one alone. *crosses arms and sits on a sofa*
Sparkle: Now, let's start this fic off with a bang. That means: NO SURLY TEMPEST!
Tempest: If I can't be surly, then what's the point of even breathing? Who is that, anyway? Brodi? Cause I'd be very happy if it were Brodi… or Psymon… yeah…
Sparkle: No, it's not Brodi or Psymon. *peers at the person and swears* Allegra… Damnit! I thought this was Mac.
Tempest: Excuse me, you thought that was Mac?! How do you confuse Mac and Allegra? They aren't even the same sex for [expletive deleted] sakes. Did you just delete the word [expletive deleted]? YOU DID! YOU'RE CENSORING ME! HOW DARE YOU!
Sparkle: *drags Allegra and puts her on the couch between her and Tempest* This is A PG-13 fic.
Tempest: So, I can't say [expletive deleted]? Well, what's the point of being here if I can't say [expletive deleted]? Well, [expletive deleted]. *sigh* It's going to be a long fic. *pushes Allegra over toward Sparkle* … and the gods laughed more. FCUK!
Sparkle: TEMPEST! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT!
Tempest: You never said I couldn't say fcuk! You said I couldn't say [expletive deleted].
Sparkle: You'll always find a loophole, won't you?
Tempest: You're damn skippy I will.
Allegra: mmmmhmm-mmmm…
Tempest: She's talking to you. *mutters* We are so going to jail.
-Sparkle rips the tape off Allegra's mouth.-
Allegra: OUCH! Whatcha go and do that for? Any why did you jump on the slopes? That was not cool. You're worse than the boys.
Sparkle: We're here to help you.
Tempest: Correction. *points at Sparkle* She's here to help you. I'm just here, and I don't even want to be here. Make sure you note that when you make your police report. Sparkle was the one who kidnapped you. Sparrrrrkle.
Sparkle: *glares at Tempest*
Tempest: *looks innocent* What?
-Sparkle looks down at her clipboard while Tempest mouths the words "Sparkle's insane" and "Sparkle's [expletive deleted] crazy" at Allegra.-
Sparkle: *doesn't look up from clipboard* I hear you, Tempest.
Tempest: *deadpan* No, you don't.
Sparkle: *rolls eyes* Anyway, hello Allegra.
Allegra: Who are you? Where am I? Why am I here? Where are the boys?
oOTempest mentally contemplates whether Allegra's vocabulary extends beyond the words "boys".Oo
Sparkle: Well, um… we don't have any boys here right now, but we're going to hook you up with a boy…
Tempest: *chirps in a sing-song voice* Or a girl…
Allegra: *looks confused for a moment* What's a girl? Is that a boy spelled with a "g"?
Tempest: Uh-huh! Girl is just the word boy spelled with a "g". *shakes head sadly and says to Sparkle* You sure know how to pick 'em.
Sparkle: Don't blame this on me. I thought she was Mac.
Tempest: I'm still trying to understand that. I don't understand how you get MAC and ALLEGRA mixed up.
Allegra: Is Mac a girl? *thinks really hard*
Sparkle: *chuckles and pats Allegra on the head* No, you're a girl.
Allegra: No, I'm a grrl not a girl…
Sparkle: That's what I said girl.
Allegra: NO, I'M A GRRRRL!!
Tempest: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO BABBLING ABOUT? I'VE GOT TO GET OUT HERE.
-Tempest runs toward the readers' screen and starts banging.-
Tempest: LEMME OUT OF HERE!
Sparkle & Allegra: o_O;;
-Sparkle pulls Tempest away from the readers' screen.-
Sparkle: *whaps Tempest* PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, WOMAN!
-Tempest walks back to the couch and sits down.-
Sparkle: Alright, can we please continue? *says to Allegra* We're here to hook you up with a potential soul mate, as I was telling you before.
Allegra: Wha?
Tempest: She's gonna hook you up with a boy or a girl… I mean grrl, you dumb—
Sparkle: *whaps Tempest* Don't you say it.
Allegra: *says to Tempest* You're a big meanie. You're worse than the boys.
Tempest: Mean…? *laughs evilly* She thinks I'm mean. That's the cutest thing I've heard all day. Why, thank you.
Allegra: Is she this mean to everyone?
Sparkle: *nods* I'm afraid so. Anyhow, I'm supposed to be interviewing you to find you a possible love match.
Tempest: This is the part where I zone out…
Sparkle: *ignores Tempest* Now, as you should know, we are the world's best matchmakers—
Tempest: That's a lie.
Sparkle: *continues to ignore Tempest* We have the most reputable dating service on fanfiction.net—
Tempest: *yawns* Lie.
Sparkle: We will get you hooked up…
Tempest: Or kidnapped by some fanatical fan.
Sparkle: Frankly, we're the best in the biz.
Tempest: Lies. All lies I say. If I were you, I would run for my life.
Allegra: *whimpers* But she promised me a boy…
Sparkle: I like her. At least, SOMEBODY has a little faith in me.
Tempest: In case, you haven't noticed, she ain't the brightest crayon in the box… *says to Allegra* You sure do dress cute, but you're a bit on the dim side. I guess the term "daft punk" would apply to you literally.
Allegra: Hey! I resent that. Never in my life have I taken drugs. Okay, there was that one time when…
Tempest: *says to the readers* THIS IS THE REASON WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER DO DRUGS!
Sparkle: Ignore her. She's just bitter.
Tempest: And surly, you forgot surly.
Sparkle: *lets out exasperated sigh* Aren't you supposed to be zoned out? ZONE OUT ALREADY! Geesh!
Tempest: Fine! *huffs*
-Tempest mutters more, stands up, and walks around her new surroundings.-
Sparkle: Finally, a little peace. Now, Allegra. Let's get the thing started right. Tell us a little more about yourself.
Allegra: I'm Allegra Sauvagess. I'm 18. I'm French. And I like boys.
Tempest: *snorts* She likes boys.
Sparkle: And what don't you like?
Allegra: *thinks really hard* Boys.
Sparkle: *furrows brows* Ooookay, well let's move on. What would be your honey tagline?
Allegra: 1-800-Kiss-My-Snowboard.
Tempest: WTF? *shakes head and tries to zone back out*
Sparkle: Smoker? Drinker? Partier?
Allegra: No. And there was that one time… but that doesn't count… I like a good party.
Sparkle: We need to find out what type of guy… I mean… boy… sorry… you're interested in.
Allegra: *thinks really hard*
Tempest: She sure does think a lot. Christ, we're dealing with a [expletive deleted] here. Damn, and you didn't forget to delete my expletive. I thought I could slip one by you.
Sparkle: Never. *says to Allegra* Your answer please.
Allegra: I like competitive boys. I like boys who see me as competition and not their best Betty, boys that don't allow me to win because I'm a girl, boys that will play as hard against me as they will other boys. I like athletic guys with a sense of humor because you have to have a sense of humor to keep getting you ass handed back to you by me because everyone knows that: Girls do it better. I don't like being treated like some freakin' Barbie doll, and any guy who does treat me like some fragile doll will be eating my snowboard tracks.
Tempest: *facefaults* Wow… I'm impressed. That's the smartest thing she's said all night.
Allegra: *blinks rapidly* What happened? I blacked out.
Tempest: *mutters* I knew it was too good to be true. You just missed the best moment in your young life.
Allegra: I MISSED THE BOY?
Tempest: *throws hands in the air* I GIVE UP!
Sparkle: Next question: First date. What would be the perfect first date.
Allegra: Skateboarding or snowboard… no doubt. Also, It would probably be really cool to check out a band or something, and even better if the boy is in a band… playing lead guitar preferably.
Sparkle: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Tempest: TEN YEARS? She can't even think beyond ten minutes. That's like asking your average Joe what he thinks the world would be like in 1million years. They don't comprehend. *goes back to minding her own business*
Allegra: Hey! I do know where I will be in 10 years. Hopefully, I'll be top rider in ANY snowboarding division. If not, Tony Hawk can get ready to eat my grass.
Sparkle: SEE TEMPEST! She's not dumb.
Tempest: That's what you say. *says to Allegra* Besides, Tony Hawk ownz j00!
Allegra: *huffs* DOES NOT! I CAN BEAT TONY HAWK ANYDAY.
Tempest: Pshh! Only in your dreams. Tony Hawk is l337 like Ninja and well… you're… you and you not leet enough to beat Tony! Bruhaha!
Sparkle: Can we please not have any of your haxor speak, Tempest?
Allegra: *sniffles* But I am better than Tony. He's just a stupid boy.
Tempest: He's a stupid boy that will eat circles around you.
Allegra: *glares at Tempest* I hate you, too.
Adam (O.C.): Join the club.
Tempest: o_O;; How did Adam get in this fic?
Sparkle: He er… ah… I not know! *shrugs* I thought I had him chained to the floor… I mean… umm…
Allegra: *_* There are voices coming from the air… I hear invisible people. Is that a boy?
Sparkle: Yes.
Allegra: -squee- I like boys! Can I keep him… even if he is invisible?
Sparkle: *growls* Back off the boy… He's mine! MINE!
Tempest: *whaps Sparkle* Whoa girl!
Sparkle: Oh sorry… we need to be wrapping this up.
Tempest: Good, cause I'm freezing…
Sparkle: *gets all Barbara Walters serious* So tell us, what would make you a hell of a honey.
Allegra: I'm the best there is, and that's all there is to say about that.
Sparkle: Alright, and there you have it for the source herself.
Tempest: WAIT! I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS!
Sparkle: Tempest, I'm warning you… ~_~
Tempest: Enquiring minds want to know… is Viggo really a boy? I mean… he's awfully… *cough* womanly…
Allegra: How dare you talk about my friend like that. *offended* Viggo is a boy.
Tempest: *crosses arms* How do you know? Have you ever seen it…?
Allegra: It?
Tempest: Gawd, do I have to spell everything out? It… it… IT!! His [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted].
Sparkle: TEMPEST!! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!
Tempest: What?
Allegra: Viggo is a boy…
Tempest: I'm not convinced. I think the biggest scandal in SSX history is waiting to come out in the open. Viggo is really HELGA!
Allegra: VIGGO IS A BOY!
Tempest: YOU LIE! Fine if you don't want to share the goods. I will have to proceed to my next question. Why didn't Rahzel come back? Is it true he's battling a drug addiction?
Allegra: Who's Rahzel?
Tempest: Don't you play dumb with me. Wait, I forgot who I was talking to.
Sparkle: This is starting to turn into a tabloid gone wrong.
Tempest: Tell me this. Does Psymon really run around in his jock strap? ^_________^
Allegra: @_@;;;; Er… too many questions… brain… going… into… overdrive…
Tempest: JUST TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW ALREADY!
Allegra: Can't function…
Tempest: GRRR! I'm going to SMITE you.
-Tempest raises hand and the might smiting rod begins to descend from the sky.-
Sparkle: *grabs Tempest's hand before she can smite Allegra* You can't go around killing the clientele.
Tempest: WHY THE HELL NOT? She didn't answer any of my questions. That's a reason to smite her. *sniffles* I don't have to take this. I'm going home.
-Tempest opens the door and a big blast of wind comes in.-
Tempest: Okay, maybe I'll go home AFTER the snow stops, but I don't have to take this.
-Tempest storms off and locks herself in the bathroom.-
Sparkle: Oi…
*
Is Allegra capable of beating Tony Hawk? Will Tempest every find out if Viggo's really a girl? Will Allegra ever find the boy of her dreams? And what's up with the Psymon's Jockstrap? (Tempest: ehehehehe…) Will the insanity end? (Sparkle: No, it gets worse… much… much… worse) *cues the cheesy mystery music*