Title: So You Wanna Date a SSX-er
Rating: PG-13 – we guess
Authors: Sparkle (RnBwRvrGrl) and Digital Tempest (Tempest)
Email: rnbwrvrgrl_and_digitaltempest@yahoo.com
Summary: The madness begins. Once again, high sugar intake and insanity have brought you another Sparkle and Tempest production courtesy of wacky MSN conversations. We were bored. *shrugs*
Authors' Notes: Don't kill us we were just having fun. Flame if you must but Flames toast s'mores! This isn't meant to be taken seriously at all. This is very tongue-in-cheek if you want to know what you're in for check out our other weirdo fic "So You Wanna Date A Duck". We do this from time to time just to have a little fun. It's odd. It's supposed to be. No regrets. Extreme OOCness and silliness ahead. Some of these questions were inspired by *cough*stolen from*cough* Bolt's honey quiz thingie. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
* * *
-Sparkle walks into the room where Tempest is already rocking out to some really loud music.-
Tempest: ROCK the FCUK on! \m/ ^___^ \m/
Sparkle: *covers ears* What are you doing? Sometimes, I worry about your sanity, girl.
-Tempest continues to jump around the room.-
Tempest: I'm having a one-woman party on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere. Isn't it obvious?
Sparkle: *turns off the music* You scare me.
Tempest: *bobs head to the now non-existent beat* Thanks, chica. That's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long time.
Sparkle: *sighs* I would like to address a couple of reviews before we go on. Nick, you cannot have every girl in this fic. Isn't causing chaos in one fic enough for you.
Tempest: *pulls out dull fork* Don't make me debrain you, Nick!
Sparkle: Thanks for catching the typo for us, Nova. We actually know a guy named Viggio, and it that was sort of a slip of the keyboard. And thanks for pointing out that Allegra said she was French, but there is a reason we made her say that…
Tempest: Wait, I didn't make her say anything. In fact, I would have preferred if she said nothing at all. She's not French? What a load of [expletive deleted]. I told you the SSX circuit was full of scandal and I am going to UNCOVER it all.
Sparkle: Don't you ever get tired of harassing fanfiction characters?
Tempest: I don't harass them. You shouldn't write me into fics if you know I'm going to harass the characters. It's just that simple. Besides, I ask the important stuff that people WANT to hear.
Sparkle: For once, please, do the right thing.
Tempest: *evil grin* Of course, I always do the right thing. Now, where's my camera?
Sparkle: *grabs Tempest by the hood of her hoodie before she can get away*
Tempest: Sparkle, you're hindering progress. Enquiring minds want to know why Allegra told us she was French. I bet it's because she's dumb. She didn't know any better. She probably does think she's French. JP's French… I'm getting a connection here. Scandal and debauchery! I can already see the headlines: American girl pretends to be French to snag Jean-Paul Arsenault. Won't that just make his day? Will you let me go?
Sparkle: I can't let you go around spreading lies.
Tempest: I'm not lying. Just think of me as your daily tabloid. Half of what I say will be true, so it's half-truths.
Sparkle: Also known as lies.
-Tempest opens up a notepad.-
Sparkle: What is that?
Tempest: Oh nothing. Just a reminder.
-Sparkle snatches away Tempest's notepad.-
Sparkle: *reads aloud* Expose Viggo as being a girl. Break Rahzel out of drug rehab. Expose Allegra and JP's affair. Write a tell-all book about adventures in fanfiction.net land and then burn the evidence. Expose Sparkle as a… hey! I'm no fraud.
Tempest: That's not for you to see.
Sparkle: I knew you'd turn on me one day.
Tempest: Hey, I have to get something out of all this, don't I? *cough* Anyway, today is the day I go home, right?
Sparkle: Of course not. We have many, many snowboarders to go.
Tempest: *mutters* I'm never getting out of here. So… who are we interviewing today? *looks hopeful*
Sparkle: I don't know, yet. We have to go catch snowboarder hunting.
Tempest: You mean I have to help you kidnap them? There is nothing in my contract that says anything about helping you to kidnap snowboarders. Why didn't you catch them all when you caught Allegra like you did with the hockey players?
Sparkle: Snowboarders are a little harder to catch than hockey players.
Tempest: If they're harder to catch that means you shouldn't be catching them. They're not wild animals, you know. We shouldn't be catching wild animals either, but you get what I'm saying…
Sparkle: We have to go chase a snowboarder down. How else are we supposed to get them?
Tempest: Why is it always a "we" thing when you know you could possibly get into trouble?
Sparkle: Tempest, we're a team.
Tempest: So, how are we supposed to gp about catching snowboarders? I'm just curious. Doesn't mean I'm going to help.
Sparkle: *pulls duct tape out of her messenger bag* With Jesus duct tape, and… *walks to a closet Tempest never noticed before* and these!
-Sparkle opens the door to reveal two snowboards. One is rainbow colored and says Sparkle on it. The other has a shor of the X-Men on it and says, "Fear the Tempest".-
Tempest: *deadpan* I don't know how to snowboard, and I like my life thank you very much. I do actually want to live to see at least thirty.
Sparkle: It's not that hard… really. Besides, your board has X-Men on it…
Tempest: I'll put it on my wall, then.
Sparkle: You can wear a matching X-Men shirt. Won't it go well with your black UFOs that you added the gems too?
Tempest: *pauses and looks down at her black UFO pants* Where's the shirt?
-Sparkle pulls a screened Wolverine t-shirt out of the closet that has seen a little t-shirt surgery.-
Tempest: Wow, someone really took their time making this shirt. You don't know how to do T-shirt surgery. *eyes Sparkle warily* If I didn't know any better, I think you were trying to bribe me.
Sparkle: Yes, this is a bribe.
Tempest: Well, I guess if I'm going to die, I might as well go out in style.
Sparkle: *pats Tempest on the back* That's the spirit, my girl. If you can survive bungee jumping, you can survive this.
Tempest: But this isn't anything like bungee jumping.
-Sparkle pulls a reluctant Tempest out of the lodge.-
Tempest: o_O;; So much snow. Where do they keep it all? And will someone please turn up the heat out here? *shivers*
Sparkle: C'mon, Tempest!
-Sparkle goes whizzing off on her snowboard. Tempest steps onto her snowboard cautiously and crouches her knees and says, "WHEE" as she goes only three miles per hour.-
Tempest: Sparkle, wait for me! How do I control this thing? *flailing arms like a stork on crack* AH! I'M ABOUT TO RUN INTO A TREE.
-Tempest falls.-
Tempest: Steps off snowboard and kicks it. *gives her snowboard the middle finger salute* [expletive deleted] that! How is she still censoring my words from far away?
-Tempest runs backs to the lodge and finds her backpack. She puts her camera, a tape recorder, a notepad, cherry-flavored lipgloss, bubblegum, Mountain Dew Live Wire, three floppy disks, sunglasses, and various other objects in her bag.-
Tempest: Thank goodness for huge messenger bags.
-Tempest puts her hoodie back on cause it's cold and runs back outside, taking off in the direction that Sparkle disappeared in. Tempest runs forever until she hears Sparkle whooping in the distance.-
Sparkle (somewhere in the distance): TEMPEST, HEY TEMPEST! I CAUGHT ONE! SORTA! COME HELP ME! TEMPEST? WHERE ARE YOU?
-Tempest starts to run in the direction of Sparkle's voice, but slows down when she sees Viggo standing not too far away, preening.-
Tempest: Should I help Sparkle? Or should I harass Viggo? *contemplates*
-Tempest looks in the direction she heard Sparkle and then looks back at Viggo. She makes her decision.-
Tempest: *decides Sparkle can wait* YOO-HOO! VIGGO! I HAVE A FEW OF QUESTIONS FOR YOU! *pulls out her camera*
-Meanwhile, Sparkle is chasing down Nate, wondering where Tempest has gone. She nearly had Nate, but he did some insane jump and now she's chasing him again.-
Sparkle: Where is that confounded girl? *screams after Nate* WE JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU DAMMIT!
-Sparkle spots Tempest not to far from them and realized they have rode in circles. Tempest is running after Viggo screaming about him being a girl.-
Sparkle: TEMPEST! A LITTLE HELP.
-Tempest turns and run backs toward Sparkle and Nate, nearly tripping over her pants in the process. Tempest takes out a keyboard, which looks strangely familiar to Sparkle. Tempest starts typing away on the keyboard.-
Nate: You'll never catch… *oof!*
-Sparkle slows and watches as Terry Tate, office linebacker, tackles Nate to the snow. She winces as Terry Tate stands over Nate and says, "TO BE THE BEST! YOU GOT TO BEAT THE BEST! WOO! WOO!"-
Tempest: *does a train whistle motion and mimics Terry* WOO-WOO! *runs over to the Nate, Terry, and Sparkle*
-They stand over Nate's motionless body while Tempest high-5s Terry.-
Sparkle: *glares at Tempest* I told you to stop him, not kill him.
Tempest: …shoulda specified…
Sparkle: *pokes Nate* Nate? Nate? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Tempest: I think he's unconscious. I think this the part where you tie him up.
Sparkle: And what do we do with him? *jerks thumb in Terry's direction*
Tempest: Oh, I'll send him back. Bye Terry! Bye! *types on keyboard and Terry disappears*
Sparkle: I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Is that the same keyboard that I destroyed, the one that has caused me countless hours of torture?
Tempest: Nooo, this is the new and improved magical keyboard version 2-[point]-oh. Watch this.
-Tempest types on the keyboard and suddenly Viggo who has been watching the debacle from his hiding place has on a dress. Suddenly his hair grows long and he lets out a scream, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S SO NOT COOL!" Tempest giggles.-
Tempest: BUT YOU'RE SO PRETTY! *whispers to Tempest* Now one of us has to look under his dress, and then my theory will be proven.
Sparkle: I'm not looking under his dress.
Nate: *groans on the ground*
Tempest: See, even Nate thinks we should look.
Sparkle: But Nate is sorta dead, so he doesn't count. And I'm not looking under Viggo's dress.
Tempest: I'll do it.
Sparkle: *grabs Tempest's hoodie before she can get away* We have more important things to do. Besides, why did you just make him naked… Then… oh boy… forget I said that.
Tempest: ^_^ Hey! That's a good idea. *starts typing away, but Sparkle snatches the keyboard away*
Sparkle: There will be no nudity in this fic. It's a PG-13 fic.
Tempest: But they won't see Naked!Viggo. Only the people in the fic will see Naked!Viggo.
Sparkle: I can't let you do that.
Nate: *groans again and starts to stir* What happened? Where am I?
Sparkle: Quick sit on him, so I can tie him up.
-Tempest casts one last look at Girlie!Viggo and sits on Nate's stomach.-
Tempest: *smiles at Nate* Heylo!
Nate: o_O;; Who are you? And why are you sitting on me?
Tempest: I'm Tempest, and she's Sparkle. And she's kidnapping you.
Nate: *pushes Tempest who falls over*
Sparkle: *holds Duct tape in hand as Nate stands up* Uh-oh.
-Sparkle hides the duct tape behind her back and smiles innocently as Nate.-
Nate: *glares at Sparkle* You're next.
Tempest (from the ground): He did not just [expletive deleted] push me down. No more Ms. Nice Guy.
-Tempest stands up angrily and pushes her sleeves up.-
Sparkle: You should run, Nate. Tempest is the last person you want to piss off.
-Tempest clenches her first and kicks Nate in one shin. Then, she kicks him in the other. He falls to his knees. Tempest jumps on his back and starts choking him out.-
Sparkle: *watched amused as Nate's eyes start to close* You're killing him.
-Nate slumps to the ground.-
Tempest: No, I'm not. I'm just putting him in a sleeper. This time make sure you duct tape him BEFORE he wakes up.
-Sparkle duct tapes Nate hands & feet.-
Sparkle: Well, we've caught him. *rubs hands together*
Tempest: What do we do, now?
Sparkle: We drag him to the lodge. *pats a sleeping Nate on his head* Don't worry. We're going to take good care of you.
Tempest: I'm not dragging nobody.
Sparkle: Fine, I'll drag him myself.
-Sparkle starts dragging Nate as Tempest types on the magical keyboard and snickers. Viggo's screams can be heard in the distance.-
*
What will become of Nate? And will Tempest every publish her book full of debauchery and sordid secrets? (Tempest: You're damn skippy I will.) Why did Allegra say she's French when she's not? And what did Tempest do to Viggo. (Sparkle: Will someone please hide Viggo from Tempest?)