I climbed into the shower, being sure that the water was warm, not hot. I
needed to clear my head of the thoughts that came in when I saw my marks.
My forever reminder that not everyone is accepting with homosexuals.
I didn't want to have these reminders, who would? I had never even told anyone but my mother and Coach Bombay. No one else knew, how did they?
My mind filled with possible ways someone could know. Did my mother or Bombay slip? No, they'd never do that to me. How? Did a friend tip them off about me, or do they just know these things? I don't want to know what else they know about me. Hell, next thing they'll come out with is hurting someone they think I'm in love with, but that won't happen because I'm not in love with anyone.
I shut my eyes and saw a flash of the gang standing over me, looking down with scowls on their faces. I opened them as quickly as I could but it wasn't fast enough.
All of a sudden I was on the floor, feeling their kicks and punched. And the metal. It all felt so surreal, but I knew it's what happened. I felt blood leaking from my body and I looked down to see if I could see it, but there was nothing there. But I felt it!
I started to cry, becoming so confused I don't know what is real and what is fake. A noise escaped and I wasn't sure if it was from me or the men surrounding me. Wait, there is no one around me, and I'm in the shower. And I'm cold.
I relaxed against the bottom of the tub, hoping to somehow become warm, but failing miserably. I looked all around for something to pull myself up with because I had seemed to have lost all my strength.
I turned my head quickly. There-there was a shadow. My breathing increased as the object seems to move closer to me. No, don't. Not, not again. I shut my eyes but that just made it all worse. I screamed out, I screamed for Adam to help me. I screamed for Adam, but he didn't get here yet. I screamed louder and prayed silently. "Please, Adam." I whispered when I lost my voice.
"Charlie." I heard someone call my name and I looked towards the curtain that separated me and my nakedness from the rest of the bathroom.
"Adam." I said knowing it was him. "Help me." I said. And soon he was in view. I looked up at him with relief in my eyes. The tub was starting to become full and almost made me fall underneath the water. If I did I don't think I would have been able to see Adam's face.
"Oh, Charlie." I watched him go for the faucet and turn off the water. He moved my food off the drain and let the water go down. I focused on my breathing as he touched my face. I could barely feel his hand on my skin.
"Are you okay, Charlie?" He asked me. I looked up. I had barely heard him. I felt as if I had sunken into my body, where everything on the outside was somewhat unreachable.
"Adam, is that you?" I asked. I could faintly hear my voice. Was something going wrong with me? "Can you hear me?" I felt funny. I felt drifty, is drifty a word? What's going on with me?
"Charlie. Oh, Charlie, it's me. It's Adam. I can hear you. Oh, Charlie, can you hear me?" I nodded my head slightly. My body was still weak, I was in a daze and I could barely move.
"Adam, everything feels funny." I said voicing what I felt. "You're pretty." My hand had a mind of it's own as it reached up towards my best friend and touched his cheek the way he was touching mine.
"I need to get you to your bed. Charlie, can you help me get you to your room?" I nodded my head once more with a dumb smile on my face. I could feel his worry through his touch.
He left and soon came back to me with a towel in his hands. I looked up at him with a question in my eyes. But he didn't answer, just moved to pick me up. I rolled into his arms and he fixed the towel around me. "I'm cold." My bottom lip shivered in the cold air. His hand moved the towel up to my lips and he ran it across them, as well as the rest of my face.
"You feel so small." I faintly heard him whisper. I feel small to him? He could never understand how small I feel to myself. I feel as if I'm not even here, that I'm not me.
He brought my into my room and I felt him lay me back on my bed. I stared into his eyes as he dropped me downward and as he rewrapped the towel so I was covered. I slowly came out of my daze and came back to normal. "Adam." I paused his hand movements. He looked down at me. Straight into my eyes. Straight into my soul. "Thank you." I said.
"I'm here to help you. In any way you need me to, Charlie. That's what best friends are for." Adam said to me and continued with what he had been doing.
"No, that's what you're for." I said dropping my head back onto my bed as he continued to dry my body. I felt his stares on me, everywhere. "You wanted to see my scars." I whispered.
"Only when you wanted me to see them." He said. I felt the fright in his voice. He was scared for me. I didn't know how to react to that.
"I want you to see them." I said sitting up and moving further onto my bed, making room for him to sit next to me. He did and I continued to tell him what they did to me while pointing to each. He listened carefully, as if he actually cared about how I got them. But I didn't care. I was just happy there was someone to listen. I was just happy Adam was there to listen.
I didn't want to have these reminders, who would? I had never even told anyone but my mother and Coach Bombay. No one else knew, how did they?
My mind filled with possible ways someone could know. Did my mother or Bombay slip? No, they'd never do that to me. How? Did a friend tip them off about me, or do they just know these things? I don't want to know what else they know about me. Hell, next thing they'll come out with is hurting someone they think I'm in love with, but that won't happen because I'm not in love with anyone.
I shut my eyes and saw a flash of the gang standing over me, looking down with scowls on their faces. I opened them as quickly as I could but it wasn't fast enough.
All of a sudden I was on the floor, feeling their kicks and punched. And the metal. It all felt so surreal, but I knew it's what happened. I felt blood leaking from my body and I looked down to see if I could see it, but there was nothing there. But I felt it!
I started to cry, becoming so confused I don't know what is real and what is fake. A noise escaped and I wasn't sure if it was from me or the men surrounding me. Wait, there is no one around me, and I'm in the shower. And I'm cold.
I relaxed against the bottom of the tub, hoping to somehow become warm, but failing miserably. I looked all around for something to pull myself up with because I had seemed to have lost all my strength.
I turned my head quickly. There-there was a shadow. My breathing increased as the object seems to move closer to me. No, don't. Not, not again. I shut my eyes but that just made it all worse. I screamed out, I screamed for Adam to help me. I screamed for Adam, but he didn't get here yet. I screamed louder and prayed silently. "Please, Adam." I whispered when I lost my voice.
"Charlie." I heard someone call my name and I looked towards the curtain that separated me and my nakedness from the rest of the bathroom.
"Adam." I said knowing it was him. "Help me." I said. And soon he was in view. I looked up at him with relief in my eyes. The tub was starting to become full and almost made me fall underneath the water. If I did I don't think I would have been able to see Adam's face.
"Oh, Charlie." I watched him go for the faucet and turn off the water. He moved my food off the drain and let the water go down. I focused on my breathing as he touched my face. I could barely feel his hand on my skin.
"Are you okay, Charlie?" He asked me. I looked up. I had barely heard him. I felt as if I had sunken into my body, where everything on the outside was somewhat unreachable.
"Adam, is that you?" I asked. I could faintly hear my voice. Was something going wrong with me? "Can you hear me?" I felt funny. I felt drifty, is drifty a word? What's going on with me?
"Charlie. Oh, Charlie, it's me. It's Adam. I can hear you. Oh, Charlie, can you hear me?" I nodded my head slightly. My body was still weak, I was in a daze and I could barely move.
"Adam, everything feels funny." I said voicing what I felt. "You're pretty." My hand had a mind of it's own as it reached up towards my best friend and touched his cheek the way he was touching mine.
"I need to get you to your bed. Charlie, can you help me get you to your room?" I nodded my head once more with a dumb smile on my face. I could feel his worry through his touch.
He left and soon came back to me with a towel in his hands. I looked up at him with a question in my eyes. But he didn't answer, just moved to pick me up. I rolled into his arms and he fixed the towel around me. "I'm cold." My bottom lip shivered in the cold air. His hand moved the towel up to my lips and he ran it across them, as well as the rest of my face.
"You feel so small." I faintly heard him whisper. I feel small to him? He could never understand how small I feel to myself. I feel as if I'm not even here, that I'm not me.
He brought my into my room and I felt him lay me back on my bed. I stared into his eyes as he dropped me downward and as he rewrapped the towel so I was covered. I slowly came out of my daze and came back to normal. "Adam." I paused his hand movements. He looked down at me. Straight into my eyes. Straight into my soul. "Thank you." I said.
"I'm here to help you. In any way you need me to, Charlie. That's what best friends are for." Adam said to me and continued with what he had been doing.
"No, that's what you're for." I said dropping my head back onto my bed as he continued to dry my body. I felt his stares on me, everywhere. "You wanted to see my scars." I whispered.
"Only when you wanted me to see them." He said. I felt the fright in his voice. He was scared for me. I didn't know how to react to that.
"I want you to see them." I said sitting up and moving further onto my bed, making room for him to sit next to me. He did and I continued to tell him what they did to me while pointing to each. He listened carefully, as if he actually cared about how I got them. But I didn't care. I was just happy there was someone to listen. I was just happy Adam was there to listen.