Chapter 4: Quiet Tiger
The hallways seemed endless, stretching out to an eternity no matter which way I turned. I no longer cared about the direction I was taking; I was lost a long time ago. The sun had long forsaken this dreary place, and definitely, it had no notion of returning again. I wish I could say the same, but I cannot. I wish I could leave this place, but I cannot. I wish I could see the sun again, but I cannot. Why not, you ask? Because I have forgotten, because I have forsaken… but most of all… because I am forsaken…
I have no hope, for it is lost to me. I have no joy, because it was taken from me. I have no love, because it has left me. What is left, you ask? That perhaps is the only question that I am able answer anyone satisfactorily. What is left, is an empty shell of skin and flesh and bone. And muscle, of course, and nerves and cells… but nothing deeper. I have no soul, no spirit. I gave it away, foolishly I admit now, but it had seemed like the right thing to do at that time. Ironic isn't it? The games the Fates play upon our lives. Was mine a lost bet of some god perhaps? A lost soul, a broken bet, what is the difference to the gods? We are all the same to the gods, replaceable. What am I now? A tiny being in the light of all the gods, trying so desperately to live, to thrive, where life itself has been tarnished. But it does not matter any more. I have given up all hope that I might one day find a way out of this eternal maze that I have constructed for myself. There is no hope for the hopeless, no life for the dead, no joy for the joyless, no path for me to tread. This is the future I have made for myself, and I can blame no one but myself.
Despite this all, I still walk. I still move, at least, gliding perhaps? Through the endless hallways, I have never come across the same one twice, yet the multitude of paths that I had chosen my present one from has converged, forming itself into the path I have chosen. What does this mean? I ask this to no one, and from no one do I get the answer. Perhaps it means that from the day that we were conceived in our mothers' wombs to the day that the last bit of flesh decomposes from our bones, it has all been predestined. We try to fool ourselves with those pathetic thoughts of sentience and knowledge, telling ourselves that we can control our future, when the truth is, the future controls us. The past controls the present, which controls the future, and that in turn, controls us. We are the lowest in the chain of command in terms of our lives. We control nothing. Philosophers sometimes say that in truth, we made our choices, our decisions a long, long time ago. We are simply here to understand why the choices we made, were made.
Or maybe, sometimes when I'm bored I think this way, the truth is that there is no god, no devil. There is only me. I'm the one playing tricks on myself, deceiving myself to follow paths of self-destruction, or guiding myself to roads of greater goodness. Maybe god, man and devil are the same thing, just different interpretations by different people. Is it possible? Is it true? I do not know. I do not know anymore. I do not want to know. I do not want to know anymore. Once, I was greedy for knowledge. Now that I have tasted it, I do not want it. I do not want it anymore.
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Where is this place? The hallways seem so endless… I stand here alone, turning and turning, trying to find a way to escape, but… the corridors stretch out to eternity, I cannot find my way. I have no sense of direction for this place is so dark, so dank. I have only just arrived here, but I feel as if I've been here forever. I do not know this place, but somehow I know that the sun has left this place a long time ago. I have never been here before, but I can feel that hope has fled on wings with a speed that I cannot explain.
I try to walk, but I cannot. I try and I try, but the only thing that happens is that the far wall seems to come closer to me a little by a little. I am scared and I want to cry out, but nothing happens, except the wall has stopped moving towards me. No, I realise soon enough, it is not the wall that comes to me, but I who goes to the wall. I am floating, gliding through this place, and I find out why. I do not have a body, not in this place. I am something ethereal, a ghost or a phantom. Somehow, I begin to understand the reason for my fear. I'm afraid that I am dead. It is strange that I feel this way, when not so long ago, I had hoped for death to come and claim my tainted soul. Strangely, although I am the unknown in this place, I do not feel as if I have tainted this place, instead, it is this place that has befouled my soul. I move through this strange plane of existence, trying to understand, trying to grasp the thin trickles of knowledge that seem to slide between fingers every time I reach out for it. Finally, rather than suddenly, I arrive at a bend in the corridor. Beyond is a hallway, just like the one I have come through, but there is one difference - here, there is a man walking slowly, oh so very slowly. He moves as if he were drunk, swaying from side to side, yet he does not grasp the walls for balance. It is the walls that grab him for stability. I do not understand, so I try to call out. I am surprised, though not unpleasantly so, to find that I have a voice. It seems thick and uneven from what I recalled to be my own, but still, I manage to form words, and in the end, a question, and inquiry as to where this place is, and how I can get out.
Without turning, he replies, "There is no way to get out of here. No way that I can tell you of. I myself have travelled this maze ever since I can remember. I no longer remember what light is, what smells are and shortly before you spoke, I have heard nothing for so long." "But is there is no light, how can I see you? If there are no smells, why does this place smell so wet, so humid? How can all this be?" I cry out in despair and I fly forward grabbing the shoulder of the man, spinning him around to face me.
I saw myself, pure as the first day I was born, but with a haunted look in my eyes. "Who are you?" I screamed in his face. I have to admit, I was terrified. "No", he replied, smiling grimly, "the question should be who are you? I know who I am. I am Cho Gonou. You are the one who does not belong." I closed my eyes and screamed. It wasn't true, it couldn't be true. Cho Gonou was dead. I, Cho Hakkai was the one who was alive. But… but… … I screwed my eyes together so tightly that it hurt. It especially hurt my right eye, but I didn't care. I was scared, I was terrified, I was afraid. So I screamed.
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"Hakkai! Wake up! Damn it! Hakkai! Wake up now!" I felt a set of strong hands slapping me repeatedly. They were harsh on my face, but behind it, the strength it bellied was not physical, but spiritual. I understood in some small remote corner of my mind that each time the hands slapped me it would leave a scar on both my soul, and on the one whom the hands belonged. I wanted to wake, but somehow, I felt Cho Gonou's human hands on my ethereal form, latching on tightly, as he whispered to me, "Who are you? Who is Cho Hakkai? There is no such person. No mother gave birth to such a son. Body youkai and soul human? Impossible!" he screamed. "Impossible! I will never let any youkai touch Kana! You are a youkai! A bastard youkai! Leave her alone! Leave her memories alone, her body… Leave her alone! Let her be!"
"But I am you! I am Cho Gonou!" I screamed. I was no longer aware which was reality and which was not. All I knew was that I was weeping into someone's chest. "I am Gonou, I am… I really am… I have to be…" I whispered. I didn't know what I was saying or why, but slowly, I felt warmth spread through my body from a hand on my face, and I fell into a deep dreamless sleep, slowly forgetting what I had seen.
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I awoke, startled, and realised that Sanzo was sitting at the edge of my bed. He looked down at me, but I saw nothing reflected in his eyes. "Did something happen?" I questioned Sanzo softly, somehow dreading the answer before it came. "You were screaming just now. I tried to wake you up, but you didn't. There was something… dark in you, so I had to use the sutra on you. If that stupid kappa finds out…" he warned. "Hai… Wakarimasu, Sanzo. Aaa… Gomen, for worrying you." I smiled, trying to relax the atmosphere. I found my body aching very badly but I was glad whatever ordeal I had faced was over. I remembered only splinters of the nightmare I had, but I didn't remember enough to understand what I had been through.
"You were saying something about you being Cho Gonou," Sanzo stopped there, expecting me to continue. I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could, and replied, "It was just a nightmare. Erm…" An eyebrow was raised in question, and I realised I could not back down from this inevitable inquiry. "I remember, back when I was Gonou, I swore to kill all youkai who had seen Kana's body. I… I'm now a youkai. Doesn't that mean that I should kill myself to fulfil my vow?" Sanzo stared at me, then laughed humourlessly. "And I thought you were the mature one. When I met Goku, I had sworn to kill him, but Goku's still alive isn't he?" I nodded, but I soon found out that it was not convincing, because Sanzo continued, "If you do not believe that, then let me ask you. Who is it exactly that you swore to you would kill all the youkai for? If you swore to the gods, give it up. They care for no one, much less you or me. If you swore to yourself, how much stupid can you be to think that by killing yourself you can escape the tortures that you still have to face in the future? If you swore it to Kana, I'm sure that she wants you to go on living. You would want her to, wouldn't you?"
I smiled, finally understanding the deeper meaning of Sanzo's words. Gojyo often called him a corrupt monk, or a fake one. But truth be told, if one were to judge Sanzo by his actions, Gojyo would be right. However, if one listened deeper, one would realise that Sanzo has been chosen by the gods, for a really unique reason - under all that attitude that he shows everyone, Sanzo is indeed profound, and as close to enlightenment that any mortal would ever want.
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End of chapter 4
Note: Whew! That was really my longest chapter so far… I know it's really confusing, so I'm really going to elaborate and explain my fic in the 'extra note' portion. For those who understand my chap, just skip all the way down to the bottom where I explain why Hakkai is a 'quiet tiger' in 'additional note'.
Extra note: Okay, this is the part for those of you who don't understand, or are a little blur about the happenings of this fic. I hope my explanation doesn't make your headache worse! :p
The fic is based on my take on Hakkai. To me, he is mildly schizophrenic. Within him lives two people, Cho Gonou, and Cho Hakkai. The former has been 'dead' for the past three years or so (according to the Saiyuki timeline), and the latter has only begun to live when the former 'died'. I based this story largely on the idea of souls and spirits. So in this fic, before Hakkai wakes up to reality, both he and Gonou exist in his body, as two separate souls in the maze that is his body. I feel that Gonou constructed the maze as a result of his killing and his loss. Hakkai helped build it because of his detachment to others. In other words, this barrier is the spiritual version of Hakkai's signature smile. The maze was built to protect the both of them from different things.
Although Gonou is 'dead' spiritually, he cannot be physically 'dead' as well, because his body still lives on. So, he has retreated to the maze he has built within himself, condemning his soul to wonder there alone, forever. At least until the body, is dead.
In my fic, I wrote that to Hakkai, " I saw myself, pure as the first day I was born, but with a haunted look in my eyes." There is a reason behind this. To me, Gonou is a youkai living in a human body. Hakkai is a human living in a youkai body. The reason? Gonou was the one who had killed 999 youkai, just before he saw Kana die before him. I think that the moment Kana died, Gonou died as well, leaving behind the Hakkai we all know. Hakkai killed the final youkai, thus turning him into a demon. (Unfair isn't it?) So, the truth is that Hakkai is imprisoned in a body for a guilt that he really had not much part of, in terms of the spirit. So, Gonou's body is 'innocent as a baby's', but his soul is tarnished. Hakkai's body is unholy, but his soul is that of purity.
Last thing, about Hakkai's ethereal form, it is more of a symbolism. In the real world, Gonou has no place, and is no different from a ghost of a past long forgotten (by everyone except Hakkai). Hakkai has no form in his body's self-constructed maze, because he does not belong in the world that Gonou created. He is a phantom in that plane of existence, a visitor from an outside world that Gonou has shunned.
Additional note: Finally I can explain what "Quiet Tiger" means… Hakkai is unexpected, unexplained. In the ikkou, he is the big question mark, the one who cannot be predicted. Tigers are often all bluff and bully, snarling and roaring at their prey, whether it is to tease or to hunt. However, when a tiger becomes quiet, it is time o fear. Mostly because you have no idea where the beast might come from, whether he has left or is waiting for your guard to be let down. I see Hakkai to be like that, the eternal enigma that has not been solved by anyone yet. So, he is like the tiger that is quiet - no one, not even the most experienced hunters, know what he is up to… Why he is doing something… When he would take action… Where he will come from… How he might attempt to do so… And perhaps the most worrying thing of all - who he's aiming at.
Final note: Wow… I had no idea I could write so much in one day… Anyway… Please… please… please… R&R!!! I crave reviews! Please? Especially since I have tried my hand at four different types of writing styles… Oh… anyway, I'll be writing the epilogue soon, it definitely won't be up for at least a couple of days yet… I've got an examination and I took an entire day off to write this! Unbelievable? Believe it! (Oh man… I feel so corny… Looks like I haven't lost all of Gojyo's sense of humour…)