Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon. Only the idea for this story… at least I hope I do _

_

Warning: Yaoi, as usual like with all my fics. Takken, pre-warned, if you continue on and find out that you're disgusted with the idea of two guys together then… your own fault.

Also, threats of suicide, again, forewarned.

Forming Shapes

BlueMoonEmpress

I lay awake and stare at the ceiling above me; it's amazing how many different shapes you can make out when you have all the time in the world.

All the time in the world…

But I didn't have all the time in the world.

I wouldn't let myself have all the time in the world.

I had tonight. And then it would all be over.

I decided this a long time ago. I picked out the date, the time, the how and the where a long time ago. I just never thought I'd actually use them all.

One thing I didn't plan that I had to do was the letters. Truly I wasn't going to leave anything for anybody but now I felt I had to. Now that I knew I would be leaving people behind.

You would think that now that I did have people that I would be leaving behind that I wouldn't go through with it. That I wouldn't let myself put anybody through what they might go through. But it'll all turn out in the long run.

I know it.

At least that's what I'm going to continue to tell myself.

Because I will not back down from this.

Not unless someone stops me directly.

And no matter how much I do want to go through with this… I hope someone will try and stop me.

I have three letters to write. One to my parents, one to Daisuke, and one to Takeru. No one else needs to know, no one else needs to worry until the time comes. But even then I hope they don't.

The letters will be hard to write. Because truly I don't want anyone to know why I'm doing this… I don't want them to know the pain that I've been through, what I've put myself through…

But they have to know.

Taking out a pen and three pieces of paper I start the first one.

Dear Mamma and Papa,

I truly don't know how to tell you this… I don't even really want to, and I know what I must be putting you through right now.

Losing two sons in your lifetime can't be easy, but living with one who is miserable can't be all that joyful either.

I'm not happy here. And I don't know how to make myself happy, but god knows I've tried, at least a little. But I can't do it.

This may seem selfish to you, truthfully it does to me as well, but it's the only answer your of average intelligence son could think up.

I'm not the son you wanted, I know that. I tried to be what you wanted, but that just got me into more trouble then I could handle.

Losing Osamu wasn't only hard on you, it was hard for me too, but not having you around afterwards was even harder. I know you were grieving and that you were heart broken, but did you even think to wonder about the son that was still alive? The son that was there when the whole thing happened?

This is going to be hard for you, I know that. But I do believe that it's for the best in the long run.

Although it may not seem that way right now, I do love you both.

Love your second son

Ken

They won't understand. I don't expect them to, nor will I ask them to. All I want is for them to respect my choice, no matter how wrong it may seem to them.

Dear Daisuke,

Guess what? I've finally used that courage you always said I had, even though I never truly believed that I had it.

You're probably wondering why I'm doing this. And the truth is, I'm not entirely sure anymore. The closer I get to actually doing it… the more I lose that courage that is supposed to be inside of me.

You're my best friend Daisuke. One of the most noble and loyal persons I've ever met, and I still can't believe that it was me you wanted to befriend.

Me, the former Kaiser.

How could you have ever forgiven me?

I never did and still don't think I deserved your kindness. But you gave it to me, and I'll be forever grateful. Even though it may not look like I'm showing it right now.

Your kind heart will get you into a lot of trouble Daisuke, probably like it's doing now. I could never be as good a friend as you Dai, no matter how hard I might try you'll always beat me.

I hope that someday you'll be able to understand, until that day, I'm sorry.

Love your best friend

Ken

And as I said, the more I wait, and the more I write these letters the more I want to back out and never think about doing it again. But I have to do this. I have to.

Dearest Takeru,

I was never able to show you exactly how I felt, I was too scared of the consequences that might slap me in the face if I told you.

You're friendship meant so much to me… and I know it must have been hard for you to have given it to me. I was your sworn enemy. I was evil and you were good.

Dark and light.

Maybe that's why you attracted me so much…

Maybe you could have been my savior and somehow help me destroy all the demons living inside of me.

I bet you there are many things you didn't know about me… even more so then you imagined.

Did you know that I was jealous of you Takeru? Jealous of you in so many ways… you were so kind to everyone and it looked like you don't even have to try. You had friends that would do anything for you, and you have… you have a brother, a brother who looks like he would give his whole world up to make sure you're safe and happy.

I suppose that's what I'm most jealous of. I never really got a chance to get to know my brother. He'd probably be Yamato's age now.

We also probably have a lot in common… but I really shouldn't be getting into that right now.

This is hard enough as it is.

I was writing this letter because

I stopped writing as I heard my door open. "Ken honey, you have a visitor."

"A visitor? Who is it?" I asked more then a little confused.

"It's me." A voice answered, peeking its head into my room.

Flushing brilliantly, I hurriedly shoved the letter into my desk. "T—Takeru… what are you doing here?"

He smiled at my mother as he walked in; she closed the door behind her as she left. He waited a few seconds until he felt that it was safe enough to talk.

"I came to see if you were alright."

I stared at him, "W-why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugged, walking towards me slowly, "You seemed a bit preoccupied yesterday at the picnic. Daisuke and I were worried about you." He paused, "He would have come to but he had dinner plans."

"Dinner plans? With who?" I asked confused, Daisuke hadn't mentioned this to me before.

"Not sure. Just said that he couldn't miss it."

"Oh…" was all I said as I looked down at my desk, the other two letters were still lying on top of it. I moved to hide them in my desk but Takeru already had a hold of one of them.

"What is this Ken?" He asked softly, lowering it from his face and frowning. "This isn't what I think it is… is it?"

"You had no right to read that," I growled.

"Look Ken, calm down alright? I'm just worried about you is all. And if this letter is what I think it is then I have all the right to be." He paused. "How could you even be thinking of… of… you know…" he couldn't say it.

"Easily Takaishi. Now please, give it back and then just… leave. Please."

His frown deepened, "I'm not going to leave you now Ken." He sat down on my floor. "I'm not leaving until you tell me why you think this is the best answer. And why you're even considering it in the first place."

"Takeru… please…" I sighed, pushing some of my hair into my face, rather then away from it.

He crawled over to me and pulled me down on the ground next to him, then pushed the hair I had pulled from behind my ear back behind it.

"Ken… please…" He mimicked.

"I don't want to burden anyone with my problems…" I closed my eyes.

"Ken, please, if I asked you to burden me with your problems, would you tell me then?"

I couldn't help but to laugh softly, "There might be a chance." He smiled, "A slight chance, but a chance none the less."

"Slight is better then nothing." He paused, "Is this the only letter? To Daisuke?" I shook my head, "How many more?"

"Two…"

"Who are they for?"

"My parents and… and… you."

"Me?" He asked, sounding surprised. I nodded. "When were you going to do it?"

I kept my gaze on the floor, "Tonight."

"Where?"

"T-the roof…"

"With what?" I could hear anger in his voice, and I have to say I was slightly surprised that he knew that I already had it all planned out.

I pointed to the pills on the desk.

"Is that all?"

I looked up at him shocked, "M-my dagger…" He nodded slowly. "T—Takeru… how… how did you know to ask all that?"

His smile was sarcastic, "Remember my brother?"

My eyes widened slightly, "Y—Yamato tried…?"

He nodded while closing his eyes, "Just last spring…"

"I—I'm so sorry Takeru… I… I didn't know… I didn't—"

"No one knew Ken. Yamato didn't want anyone to know about his moment of greatest weakness…"

"Th-then why are you telling me now?"

"Because you need to know. I may not know what it's like to have lost your only brother Ken but… I came pretty damn close…" Twin tears fell down his rosy cheeks.

Impulse got the better of me and my hand moved to wipe them away, "I'm sorry."

He held my hand to his cheek, "I know. But please Ken… please you can't go through with this…"

"I—I have to Takeru. I've failed at everything in my life, everything that I've planned for, everything… I'm not going to back down on this."

"Do you have any idea what this will do to your parents? Did you even think to consider the people that you're going to leave behind?" He glared at me.

"Of course I did! But this is for the best Takeru… I know it is…"

"You don't even know what the best answer or action is anymore Ken. If you did you wouldn't even be considering this."

"You don't know what it's like—!"

"No Ken I don't, and you know why?! Because you won't let me in!" He yelled, and I stared at him wide eyed. "You won't tell us what's wrong Ken! So how on Earth are we supposed to know how to even try and begin to help?!"

"I don't deserve your help…" I looked back down to the floor.

"Stop it. Just stop it Ken. You do all right? You do deserve our help. Help from me, Daisuke, Hikari, Miyako… anyone! It's only you that thinks you don't. It's only you that shuts us out!"

"T-Takeru please…"

"Please what Ken? Leave you alone? Let you die in peace?" He narrowed his eyes; "I never would have thought that I would see the day that Ken Ichijouji, former Kaiser and 'ruler' of then entire Digital World would look like this. So weak and pathetic."

I glared at him, "Is this supposed to help me Takaishi? You making fun of me?"

"That's the whole point Ken! No ones making fun of you! Can't you see what're you're doing to yourself?"

I didn't answer.

"You don't even have to consider committing suicide because you've been doing it for years." I blinked at him confused. "I saw the same thing in Yamato. You're slowly killing yourself. Isolating yourself from everyone. You stopped calling Dai on a regular basis almost a year ago. You stopped going out with the rest of the Chosen even before that. Before yesterday when was the last time you left the house? Not counting school."

I had to think for a second, "I—I'm not sure… might have been a couple weeks ago…"

"I thought as much."

"What does this have to prove?" I snapped irritably.

"Everything Ken. You're distancing yourself from everyone so that when you finally do, do it… it won't feel as bad because you won't really be leaving anyone behind."

"H-how did you…?"

"I told you, I already went through all this with Yamato."

"How did you stop him from doing it?" I asked.

"When did you plan out your date?" He ignored my question.

Growling slightly I sighed, "I don't know. A couple months ago." He nodded. "You didn't answer my question."

"I didn't stop Yamato. I found him on the ground of my bathroom floor. See, he planned it so that someone would actually find him before he died, so that maybe they would be able to save him."

"That's why he didn't do it at his place?"

"Right, because he knew he'd be long dead before Dad ever found him."

"H-how did he do it…?"

"Razor." He paused, "Yamato was lucky… he just missed an artery…"

"Takeru, I'm sorry—"

"I know you are. But you don't really get it."

"What?"

"If you really love someone you wouldn't let them suffer like how you're going to make them."

"I just don't know what else to do…"

"Talk to me. Tell me what's making you want to do this."

"I don't know if I can…"

"Of course you can. You're a genius remember?" He joked.

I laughed lightly, "Thank you…" I whispered.

"Anything Ken… anything for you…"

Maybe I will have all the time in the world to see all the different shapes that form.

End.

---BlueMoonEmpress---