The stack of papers was nearly as tall as Professor Flitwick. At this rate,
he'd never finish. Remus Lupin sighed and pushed his chair away from the
musty desk. He'd missed teaching in the two years that he'd been absent
from Hogwarts. He missed the classes, the students.but the one thing he
certainly did not miss was the grading. He had forgotten how quickly papers
piled up when not constantly attended to. His fingers twitched
involuntarily on his wand; a vanishing charm would not go amiss right about
now.
But no. That would not be an appropriate course of action. He was exceedingly lucky to have been invited back to school, especially with his liability as a werewolf. Albus Dumbledore knew all of what had transpired the last time he had been a teacher at Hogwarts, and still he chose to offer Remus the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher once more. The least Remus could do to repay Albus's generosity was deal with some pesky essays about the origin of the hippogriff.
Remus mentally resigned himself to the task. After all, hippogriffs were fascinating creatures. Many times he had admired Buckbeak when he and.
Remus' muscles clenched involuntarily. Shivering from head to toe, he looked like he had just been the victim of the full body bind.
Don't think about it.
The paralysis lasted only for a moment. Slowly, he forced his body to relax. Remus took a deep breath, and stood up, in perfect control.
I think I'll leave these essays until tomorrow, he thought to himself. They'll keep, and the students won't mind much. Except for Hermione, of course.
Grinning at the thought of Hermione's horrified reaction when she didn't receive her paper the day after she turned it in, Remus left his office and headed towards the Great Hall. He wasn't hungry, but some food would do him good. Everyone always said he looked too thin.
Students passed him in the hallway, murmuring greetings before returning to their private thoughts. Remus looked at the faces, analyzing them, trying to see if any of them contained the tell-tale traces of fear and loathing that followed him everywhere. On some, there was only open respect. On others though, it was there: surfacing quickly and then dropping down, back to the depths of inscrutability.
Remus sighed inwardly; he couldn't blame them. He was a dangerous friend to have. The last time an accident happened, it had nearly cost Harry his life. Remus had vowed then that he would never endanger another innocent, but what did it matter to the students? They didn't know of his inner torment, and they didn't trust him.
"Hello.Remus."
Remus' inner reverie was shattered. He knew who it was long before he looked up. There was only one person in the school who could infuse so much cold hatred into a simple greeting.
"Hello Severus. How are you this evening?"
"Quite well, thank you, Remus. I just thought you might be interested to know that I made a cauldron full of the potion for your.condition. After all, we wouldn't want to have any more.accidents." Snape inhaled deeply, as if smelling some delightfully pleasant odor.
By managing to control his reflexes before his fist hit Snape's greasy face, Remus was able to answer politely. "That was quite thoughtful of you, Severus, but I won't be needing the potion for another three days at least. Still, I appreciate the effort you must have spent in its making."
Snape smiled, the cold shallow smile of a spider that has discovered his prey is entering the web. "Not at all. After all, I take the safety of this school and those who dwell within very seriously," he took out a gold pocket watch, and consulted it. "I must run to an appointment, Remus, I will see you later." He turned the corridor and promptly disappeared.
Remus stood still for a moment, coldly gazing down the hallway that Snape had just exited. He hates me all the more for retaking the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. And if he could find some way to discredit me in front of Dumbledore, it would be Christmas come early.
Suddenly, I don't feel very hungry.
Changing his mind quickly, Remus retraced his steps and started heading upstairs, towards the library. Books are wonderful for forgetting troubles. And I wonder if that new novel by Demetria Diamondeye is in yet.
Still, he couldn't quite dismiss Snape's veiled attack against him. Severus's dislike seemed even more potent than usual.
Well, there was nothing he could do about it now. His reputation wouldn't last a serious brawl with Snape. It had barely survived that last time they had clashed, over Peter and -
There was the pain, again. Except that this time it was worse, how could it be worse? Doubled over as if he had been hit by an invisible fist, Remus leaned against the nearest wall, seeking support. His thoughts were running in little redundant circles; it look an extreme amount of will to force himself straight up. Sweating and breathing heavily, he felt like he had just run a muggle marathon.
Thinking about it doesn't help. Don't think about it. Never think about it.
Remus felt week in the knees. He was starting to lose control. He closed his eyes and blanked his mind. Then he focused on simple things: adding numbers, components of simple spells. Before too long he was restored to normal.
Still.all the tension was starting to take its toll on his body.
Forget it, he thought. It's still early, but there's nothing I can do tonight. I feel like there's a giantess bashing around in my head. Maybe sleep will make things better.
So, for the third time, he changed course, now heading for his quarters.
Up one flight of stairs, two right turns followed by a left, then duck into the secret entrance behind Geon the Gory and.
"Professor Lupin? Can I er- have a minute?"
Remus turned around, cringing inwardly as his mind imagined the possibilities of who it might be. But no, it was only Harry, his hair looking as disheveled as usual. Just like James.
For a moment, Remus was surprised that he didn't recognize Harry's voice. However he soon dismissed it.
I must be more tired than I thought.
"Yes Harry? What is it?"
"Well, Professor.there's something I want to ask about, but I'm not sure who I should go to, now that." He trailed off.
Remus picked up the conversation thread quickly. Too quickly. But he was desperate to veer the topic off to some subject that was safer.
At this point a conversation about Voldemort himself would be safer, he thought darkly.
Derail this, quickly, Remus! You know where it will lead.
"Yes, yes of course, Harry. You know that I am here for you, but in all honesty, now is not the best time for me. If we could do this tomorrow, perha-"
"No!" The vehemence of the exclamation startled both of them. "No, Professor.I need to talk now."
Remus felt himself go cold with dread. There was nothing he could do.
"I want to talk with you about death."
Be wary, Mooney. This conversation has nasty implications. It can go in many directions.
"Alright. What in particular?"
"How do...how do you know that someone is really dead?"
A pause. Some mental panic and caution. Then an answer, clear and composed:
"That's a difficult question, Harry."
Brilliant, Einstein. Best answer in the entire fucking universe.
"Please, Professor. I have to know."
Remus sighed inwardly. Might as well get good and tight in the coffin.
"Well, there are some devices that will do the job. Deathscopes, for one, though it's hard to find a reliably working one. And aura sensors, though they lose their potency when focused on muggles. I'm assuming that this is not about a muggle?"
Harry nodded. Remus went on.
"More mystically speaking, certain wizards have the ability to sense the life force of an individual, and then get a fix on their location. I'm told the returning resonances are very strange if that person is already deceased. Though I don't know if anyone has ever tried to contact a ghost, since they are in-between realms, so to speak. Still, it is a way."
Silence on Harry's part. So far so good. Remus was just beginning to think that he'd gotten away with it, when Harry asked a question.
"But...what about if...what if someone's soul has been detached from their body. And they're not dead! But they're not a ghost either. Isn't that possible?
Disaster.
"Harry, I don't know. But I don't think so."
"Well how do you know? Have there ever been any tests?"
"Not to my knowledge."
"Then it could be true! There's no proof otherwise!"
"Harry...trust me on this one. The answer is no."
"You don't know that, Professor! It could be true! For all we know - "
Remus gritted his teeth in defense against the wave that was rising within him. "I know what you're hoping for and it isn't possible."
"Why not?"
"Because I -"
"I think you're wrong! You just don't want to admit the possibility that Sirius could still be alive!"
Pain lanced through Remus. He threw up barriers against it, in hopes that he could hold together long enough to get the hell out.
So fierce was his internal struggle that all he could manage was a hoarse whisper.
"Harry.no."
If Harry noticed the difference, he gave no sign.
"Professor! Tell me why. Tell me why it's not possible that Siri-"
"HARRY!" Rage and grief and hundreds of other emotions broke through then, taking both of them by complete shock. "LISTEN TO ME! I TELL YOU IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!"
Harry stood still, looking at Remus in bewilderment. Remus deadened his heart as best he could; it wouldn't last, but maybe he could hold it in a little longer.
"Harry...I would be...even happier than you if somehow it were true. But it is not, and I have exhausted mind, body, and talent in my search. Take what comfort you can from my words, but I tell you it is impossible...he.he is gone."
Harry looked at him with a mix of sadness and defeat. He nodded, uttered a small "thank you, Professor," and left.
Remus was alone.
There was no time for masks, or facades. He flew to his quarters, uttering the password mentally so he did not have to speak. He magically locked the door, as well as securing the several muggle-style locks on the wood door. Only that did Remus lean against the door, sliding down it abruptly, like his legs would no longer support him. He suspected that if he tried, they wouldn't.
I can't do it, I can't do it. I can't not think about it. I can't hold it inside myself. I. just. CAN'T.
He screamed the last word silently inside his head. Not that it made any difference. Or helped in the least bit.
I thought I could survive, but I can't. I hurts too much. I need you. Oh Gods, what am I going to do?! How can I live like this?
Alone, crying, and broken in the dark, Remus took down his last barrier, and uttered the name that he had forbidden even his deepest self from calling.
Sirius.
But no. That would not be an appropriate course of action. He was exceedingly lucky to have been invited back to school, especially with his liability as a werewolf. Albus Dumbledore knew all of what had transpired the last time he had been a teacher at Hogwarts, and still he chose to offer Remus the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher once more. The least Remus could do to repay Albus's generosity was deal with some pesky essays about the origin of the hippogriff.
Remus mentally resigned himself to the task. After all, hippogriffs were fascinating creatures. Many times he had admired Buckbeak when he and.
Remus' muscles clenched involuntarily. Shivering from head to toe, he looked like he had just been the victim of the full body bind.
Don't think about it.
The paralysis lasted only for a moment. Slowly, he forced his body to relax. Remus took a deep breath, and stood up, in perfect control.
I think I'll leave these essays until tomorrow, he thought to himself. They'll keep, and the students won't mind much. Except for Hermione, of course.
Grinning at the thought of Hermione's horrified reaction when she didn't receive her paper the day after she turned it in, Remus left his office and headed towards the Great Hall. He wasn't hungry, but some food would do him good. Everyone always said he looked too thin.
Students passed him in the hallway, murmuring greetings before returning to their private thoughts. Remus looked at the faces, analyzing them, trying to see if any of them contained the tell-tale traces of fear and loathing that followed him everywhere. On some, there was only open respect. On others though, it was there: surfacing quickly and then dropping down, back to the depths of inscrutability.
Remus sighed inwardly; he couldn't blame them. He was a dangerous friend to have. The last time an accident happened, it had nearly cost Harry his life. Remus had vowed then that he would never endanger another innocent, but what did it matter to the students? They didn't know of his inner torment, and they didn't trust him.
"Hello.Remus."
Remus' inner reverie was shattered. He knew who it was long before he looked up. There was only one person in the school who could infuse so much cold hatred into a simple greeting.
"Hello Severus. How are you this evening?"
"Quite well, thank you, Remus. I just thought you might be interested to know that I made a cauldron full of the potion for your.condition. After all, we wouldn't want to have any more.accidents." Snape inhaled deeply, as if smelling some delightfully pleasant odor.
By managing to control his reflexes before his fist hit Snape's greasy face, Remus was able to answer politely. "That was quite thoughtful of you, Severus, but I won't be needing the potion for another three days at least. Still, I appreciate the effort you must have spent in its making."
Snape smiled, the cold shallow smile of a spider that has discovered his prey is entering the web. "Not at all. After all, I take the safety of this school and those who dwell within very seriously," he took out a gold pocket watch, and consulted it. "I must run to an appointment, Remus, I will see you later." He turned the corridor and promptly disappeared.
Remus stood still for a moment, coldly gazing down the hallway that Snape had just exited. He hates me all the more for retaking the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. And if he could find some way to discredit me in front of Dumbledore, it would be Christmas come early.
Suddenly, I don't feel very hungry.
Changing his mind quickly, Remus retraced his steps and started heading upstairs, towards the library. Books are wonderful for forgetting troubles. And I wonder if that new novel by Demetria Diamondeye is in yet.
Still, he couldn't quite dismiss Snape's veiled attack against him. Severus's dislike seemed even more potent than usual.
Well, there was nothing he could do about it now. His reputation wouldn't last a serious brawl with Snape. It had barely survived that last time they had clashed, over Peter and -
There was the pain, again. Except that this time it was worse, how could it be worse? Doubled over as if he had been hit by an invisible fist, Remus leaned against the nearest wall, seeking support. His thoughts were running in little redundant circles; it look an extreme amount of will to force himself straight up. Sweating and breathing heavily, he felt like he had just run a muggle marathon.
Thinking about it doesn't help. Don't think about it. Never think about it.
Remus felt week in the knees. He was starting to lose control. He closed his eyes and blanked his mind. Then he focused on simple things: adding numbers, components of simple spells. Before too long he was restored to normal.
Still.all the tension was starting to take its toll on his body.
Forget it, he thought. It's still early, but there's nothing I can do tonight. I feel like there's a giantess bashing around in my head. Maybe sleep will make things better.
So, for the third time, he changed course, now heading for his quarters.
Up one flight of stairs, two right turns followed by a left, then duck into the secret entrance behind Geon the Gory and.
"Professor Lupin? Can I er- have a minute?"
Remus turned around, cringing inwardly as his mind imagined the possibilities of who it might be. But no, it was only Harry, his hair looking as disheveled as usual. Just like James.
For a moment, Remus was surprised that he didn't recognize Harry's voice. However he soon dismissed it.
I must be more tired than I thought.
"Yes Harry? What is it?"
"Well, Professor.there's something I want to ask about, but I'm not sure who I should go to, now that." He trailed off.
Remus picked up the conversation thread quickly. Too quickly. But he was desperate to veer the topic off to some subject that was safer.
At this point a conversation about Voldemort himself would be safer, he thought darkly.
Derail this, quickly, Remus! You know where it will lead.
"Yes, yes of course, Harry. You know that I am here for you, but in all honesty, now is not the best time for me. If we could do this tomorrow, perha-"
"No!" The vehemence of the exclamation startled both of them. "No, Professor.I need to talk now."
Remus felt himself go cold with dread. There was nothing he could do.
"I want to talk with you about death."
Be wary, Mooney. This conversation has nasty implications. It can go in many directions.
"Alright. What in particular?"
"How do...how do you know that someone is really dead?"
A pause. Some mental panic and caution. Then an answer, clear and composed:
"That's a difficult question, Harry."
Brilliant, Einstein. Best answer in the entire fucking universe.
"Please, Professor. I have to know."
Remus sighed inwardly. Might as well get good and tight in the coffin.
"Well, there are some devices that will do the job. Deathscopes, for one, though it's hard to find a reliably working one. And aura sensors, though they lose their potency when focused on muggles. I'm assuming that this is not about a muggle?"
Harry nodded. Remus went on.
"More mystically speaking, certain wizards have the ability to sense the life force of an individual, and then get a fix on their location. I'm told the returning resonances are very strange if that person is already deceased. Though I don't know if anyone has ever tried to contact a ghost, since they are in-between realms, so to speak. Still, it is a way."
Silence on Harry's part. So far so good. Remus was just beginning to think that he'd gotten away with it, when Harry asked a question.
"But...what about if...what if someone's soul has been detached from their body. And they're not dead! But they're not a ghost either. Isn't that possible?
Disaster.
"Harry, I don't know. But I don't think so."
"Well how do you know? Have there ever been any tests?"
"Not to my knowledge."
"Then it could be true! There's no proof otherwise!"
"Harry...trust me on this one. The answer is no."
"You don't know that, Professor! It could be true! For all we know - "
Remus gritted his teeth in defense against the wave that was rising within him. "I know what you're hoping for and it isn't possible."
"Why not?"
"Because I -"
"I think you're wrong! You just don't want to admit the possibility that Sirius could still be alive!"
Pain lanced through Remus. He threw up barriers against it, in hopes that he could hold together long enough to get the hell out.
So fierce was his internal struggle that all he could manage was a hoarse whisper.
"Harry.no."
If Harry noticed the difference, he gave no sign.
"Professor! Tell me why. Tell me why it's not possible that Siri-"
"HARRY!" Rage and grief and hundreds of other emotions broke through then, taking both of them by complete shock. "LISTEN TO ME! I TELL YOU IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!"
Harry stood still, looking at Remus in bewilderment. Remus deadened his heart as best he could; it wouldn't last, but maybe he could hold it in a little longer.
"Harry...I would be...even happier than you if somehow it were true. But it is not, and I have exhausted mind, body, and talent in my search. Take what comfort you can from my words, but I tell you it is impossible...he.he is gone."
Harry looked at him with a mix of sadness and defeat. He nodded, uttered a small "thank you, Professor," and left.
Remus was alone.
There was no time for masks, or facades. He flew to his quarters, uttering the password mentally so he did not have to speak. He magically locked the door, as well as securing the several muggle-style locks on the wood door. Only that did Remus lean against the door, sliding down it abruptly, like his legs would no longer support him. He suspected that if he tried, they wouldn't.
I can't do it, I can't do it. I can't not think about it. I can't hold it inside myself. I. just. CAN'T.
He screamed the last word silently inside his head. Not that it made any difference. Or helped in the least bit.
I thought I could survive, but I can't. I hurts too much. I need you. Oh Gods, what am I going to do?! How can I live like this?
Alone, crying, and broken in the dark, Remus took down his last barrier, and uttered the name that he had forbidden even his deepest self from calling.
Sirius.