"Remember, class, the most important rule of defense is to remain in
control of yourself regardless of the circumstances. A calm, relaxed mind
has a much better chance of emerging unscathed from a dangerous situation
than one plagued by confusion and fear."
Most of the students nodded solemnly at Remus, though a few were looking doubtful. He understood their concerns; these children had only been at school for a few months, after all. How could they remain calm when all of the horrors that they were just beginning to learn about could come for them at any moment?
"A person who does not panic is better prepared to deal with an enemy than someone who is tense but has the available counter-curse on hand. There may come a time where being calm and collected will save your life. It has happened to me more than once."
The bell rang. Everyone started to shove books into their bags.
"Homework time. Compose an essay on -"
The students groaned. Remus smiled in understanding.
"Alright. No essay this time. But you will make up for it next week's work. Is that a fair exchange?"
Cheers from the class. Remus grinned. He remembered the life of a student. After all, why do work now when you can put it off till the last minute?
"Have a good weekend, class."
They filed out, not in a hurry, but with the energy of students who know that the weekend has come at last. Remus watched them go; they were a good class, for first-years. He had confidence that with training they would be able to defend themselves well.
The last student left. The door closed.
Remus' smile faded. He walked over to the chalkboard and banished the text on it with a wave of his wand. This had not been a demonstration class; there was nothing else to clean up. He sat down on the edge of his desk next to his roll book and looked at the floor.
Remus considered. It had been a week since his emotional collapse. It had taken him hours to recover once he had let his floodgates down, so to speak. Weak and trembling, he had crawled into bed, wishing only for some time in which he didn't have to be awake and feeling. His wish had been granted; he spent nearly an entire day in dreamless sleep, and awoke feeling paradoxically better and worse at the same time.
Sirius.
He could say the name now, if only to himself. It didn't send him into spasms of uncontrollable tears. But, if anything, he felt worse. Every time he thought about Sirius' death, he grew a little colder, like he was being plunged into a vat of freezing water.
No, thought Remus darkly. It feels as if my heart is dying, piece by piece.
Such thoughts were counterproductive, but he couldn't help it. He missed Sirius deeply; he hadn't realized how much he truly needed him until he was gone.
He felt the familiar pain of separation gnaw at him. But this time, instead of throwing up a barrier and ignoring the feelings, Remus accepted it, embraced it. Really, it was all he had left of Sirius.
Remus sighed. After all, he thought, this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. I better get used to it.
Seeking for a temporary diversion, Remus' eyes wandered. They settled on the window on the far wall. Outside it still felt like summer, and the light reflected it, shining almost playfully.
He walked to the window and looked outside. Below him, he could see students laying on the grass, soaking up warmth from the sun. Still others were running around, playing some sort of game. They all looked happy and at peace with the world.
Remus watched sadly. Life went on.
So would his, of course. He wasn't the suicidal type; he had too much strength for that. But still.without Sirius, the future was bleak and unknown.
"Am I disturbing you, Remus?"
Remus turned around. Standing in the doorway was Albus Dumbledore. As always, Remus was impressed with the sense of calm that Albus radiated. He was a man of power and responsibility; you could see it in his eyes, even when he laughed.
Right now though, his eyes were solemn; there was very little humor in his gaze as he looked at Remus.
Remus smiled slightly. "Not at all, Albus. What can I do for you?"
"Perhaps, Remus, a better question is what can I do for you?" Dumbledore entered the room and crossed to where Remus was standing. He was an old man, but there was no sense of frailty when he moved. Only age.and great wisdom.
"Help me how, Albus?" Remus knew where this was going. It was not a big surprise; there was hardly anything in Hogwarts that Albus Dumbledore didn't find out about, eventually. But Remus did not know how this conversation would resolve. So he played dumb and waited.
Dumbledore looked at him seriously. "I am concerned about how you are faring emotionally, Remus. The last couple of months have been.traumatic on everyone involved. But you seem to be keeping your feelings locked up. I can only assume that it has to do with Sirius' death."
Remus sighed. Albus' analysis was dead-on, but there was nothing he could to change it. His grief from loosing Sirius was his own problem, and he did not want to burden others with its weight.
He thought for a moment, and formed a neutral response.
"Yes.that's true. Sirius and I were friends, and I miss him greatly. But there's very little that I can do about the situation, so I'm dealing with it as best I can."
He didn't know how much Albus knew about his relationship with Sirius, so he didn't bring it up. If Albus noticed the slight pause before the word 'friends,' he gave no sign.
Albus regarded him with a piercing gaze. It gave Remus the impression that Albus knew absolutely everything about him, but was merely pretending in order to be polite. It was a frightening thought.
"Remus.you know as well as I that nothing good comes from denying emotions. It only hurts the person and those around him. Very little is resolved."
"I know, Albus."
"As long as you cherish the memories of someone that you care for, they will not die. Sirius lives inside you, in your memories of him."
Remus didn't answer. There was nothing to say. While he knew that this was factual on the intellectual level, deeper down the words felt hollow and untrue. He appreciated Albus' intentions in speaking to him, but there was nothing that could be done to help. He was on this own.
Some of his reticence must have been apparent to Dumbledore, for there was a long pause. Then, moving one step closer, Dumbledore put his hand on Remus' shoulder. Surprised, Remus looked up into the old wizard's eyes, which were deep with sympathy and understanding.
"If there is anything I can do to help you Remus, you have only to ask. Please remember that."
Remus nodded. Again, he had nothing to say. Albus looked him piercingly one last time, and then left the room.
It is likely that Albus knows, Remus thought. About.Sirius and myself. But it doesn't matter. It would only mean something if Sirius were still alive. But he's not. It doesn't matter.
Remus groaned aloud. His thoughts were running through well-worn tracks of misery and pain. When he was by himself, it seemed like all he did was mourn.
This was going nowhere. Perhaps he needed a change of scenery.
Remus left the classroom and walked to the nearest staircase. Before long, he has passed by the Great Doors (?) into the bright sunlight. It felt good on his skin. He closed his eyes, and tried to force the sun's warmth inside him, willing it to warm his heart. It didn't work.
Not that he expected it to.
Remus opened his eyes and looked around. It truly was a beautiful day. If only he could enjoy it like he used to.
A flash of black at the edge of his vision caught his attention. A group of students were walking up the path to the castle. On closer inspection, it appeared to be Harry, Ron, Hermione, and a group of about 5 other Gryffindors. Harry, Ron, and Hermione waved at Remus, and he returned the gesture, changing direction so that he would intersect them.
As he neared the group he began to hear snippets of their conversation.
"Oh, come'on Dean, you can't believe something in that book!"
"Why not?"
"It's a fraud! Anyone who even glances at that book could tell it's made up. You've been had!"
"Aw, you don't know that!"
"Yes he-"
"What's all this?" Remus asked, cleanly slipping into the conversation. A discussion was a welcome change from his morose thoughts.
Dean shrugged, tightening his grip on the book he held between his hands. Silence all around for a moment, and then Hermione offered an explanation.
"When Dean went home on holiday, he found a book in a Muggle shop. It's supposed to contain tales of amazing magical spells and artifacts, but most of the tales seem, well.far-fetched. But Dea-" she stopped as Dean shot her a glare. "Well, we were just debating whether or not any of the stories in the book were feasible."
"I see." This was interesting. And if would give Remus something else to focus on. "May I see the book?"
Dean handed it to him. Remus studied the cover. It was a fairly new book, hard covered, with a most unflattering image of the stereotypical witch on the front. The title of the book was written in large gold letters: "Magic Secrets Revealed!"
From the cover alone, Remus would have assumed that the book was worthless. But it is never good, to judge a book from its cover (Remus groaned silently at the bad joke), so he opened the volume and scanned its pages.
His gaze fell on a section entitled "Human Adaptations and Transformations." It listed all sorts of interesting abilities, including a few he had never heard of. Who in their right mind would want to replace their mouth with chicken lips?
Remus picked an individual entry and studied it. To turn household items to gold - take one pinch of saffron and dust it over the item. Combine with the blood of a freshly blooded muskrat that has given birth within the last two months. Draw a circle with the blood around the item. Then light a candle and set it inside the circle. Presto! Instant gold. This spell may not work on house-hold pets.
Utter nonsense. Muggles knew absolutely nothing about magic. He handed the book back to Dean. "I'm afraid I have to agree, Dean. There is very little in this book that could be considered real magic. This book is worthless except for its entertainment value."
Dean shrugged. It was obvious that he'd make his own decision about the book. Ah well, let him enjoy it. The stories were bound to be interesting.and would make for very interesting results if he tried them on himself.
The other Gryffindors were still kidding Dean as they started moving towards the school again. Not having anywhere else to go at the moment, Remus joined the group at the end, near Harry.
"We told you, Dean!"
"Great book, but just don't take it seriously, y'know?"
"Look, it even lists here a rock that lets people talk to the dead. What a scam! You can't do that!"
Remus stopped. Or rather, he froze. For a moment, his legs refused to work. The group continued on without him. Only Hermione and Harry noticed that he was not keeping stride, and turned to look. Remus took a deep breath and forced his legs to move. He felt like someone had placed the Jelly-legs curse on him. Still, he forced himself to remain calm.
Or at least, he hoped he looked calm.
"Sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say"
Parvati answered this time. "Oh, there's an entry in the book about a mystical orb that allows people to routinely talk to the dead. But that's impossible, everyone knows that. Only seers can do it, and very rarely."
He forced himself to remain calm. The book was worthless, he had already confirmed that. But still, to dismiss it completely.
"May I see the book?"
It was handed to him again. Remus looked at the entry:
The Orb of Amina Legend has it that this mysterious sphere was created by seven ancient Indian shamans centuries ago. According to translations of the surviving runes, the orb allows the user to single out a soul who has passed over, and summon their spirit to the earthly realm in order to converse.
There was more text. But Remus didn't read it. He was keeping a tight reign on his emotions at the moment.
"This does look interesting.Dean, do you mind if I borrow this book, for a day or so? I'd like to read it for fun."
Dean shrugged. "Sure, Professor."
"Thank you." he pocketed the book. Once the group entered the school the Gryffindor contingent headed straight for the Great Hall. Remus did not. He walked quickly to his office and entered, magically locking the door behind him. Breathing heavily, he sat down on his desk He looked at the book, with its ugly illustrations and gimmicky title. His mind was racing.
Could it be possible.? He had not thought so. But then, he has always assumed the same as everyone else, that is was impossible to commune with the dead. What if there had been a technique, though? A very old and primitive one.lost in time for centuries.
Remus rolled his eyes. This was a Muggle book. What did Muggles know about magic? Absolutely nothing was the answer. It had to be false.
And yet.he couldn't dismiss it. Couldn't let go. Something inside told him not to give up on this silly lore volume so easily.
Years ago, Remus had learned to listen to his instincts as a matter of course. And right now, his instincts were screaming at him to learn more information about this strange orb.
With trembling fingers, he opened the book.
Most of the students nodded solemnly at Remus, though a few were looking doubtful. He understood their concerns; these children had only been at school for a few months, after all. How could they remain calm when all of the horrors that they were just beginning to learn about could come for them at any moment?
"A person who does not panic is better prepared to deal with an enemy than someone who is tense but has the available counter-curse on hand. There may come a time where being calm and collected will save your life. It has happened to me more than once."
The bell rang. Everyone started to shove books into their bags.
"Homework time. Compose an essay on -"
The students groaned. Remus smiled in understanding.
"Alright. No essay this time. But you will make up for it next week's work. Is that a fair exchange?"
Cheers from the class. Remus grinned. He remembered the life of a student. After all, why do work now when you can put it off till the last minute?
"Have a good weekend, class."
They filed out, not in a hurry, but with the energy of students who know that the weekend has come at last. Remus watched them go; they were a good class, for first-years. He had confidence that with training they would be able to defend themselves well.
The last student left. The door closed.
Remus' smile faded. He walked over to the chalkboard and banished the text on it with a wave of his wand. This had not been a demonstration class; there was nothing else to clean up. He sat down on the edge of his desk next to his roll book and looked at the floor.
Remus considered. It had been a week since his emotional collapse. It had taken him hours to recover once he had let his floodgates down, so to speak. Weak and trembling, he had crawled into bed, wishing only for some time in which he didn't have to be awake and feeling. His wish had been granted; he spent nearly an entire day in dreamless sleep, and awoke feeling paradoxically better and worse at the same time.
Sirius.
He could say the name now, if only to himself. It didn't send him into spasms of uncontrollable tears. But, if anything, he felt worse. Every time he thought about Sirius' death, he grew a little colder, like he was being plunged into a vat of freezing water.
No, thought Remus darkly. It feels as if my heart is dying, piece by piece.
Such thoughts were counterproductive, but he couldn't help it. He missed Sirius deeply; he hadn't realized how much he truly needed him until he was gone.
He felt the familiar pain of separation gnaw at him. But this time, instead of throwing up a barrier and ignoring the feelings, Remus accepted it, embraced it. Really, it was all he had left of Sirius.
Remus sighed. After all, he thought, this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. I better get used to it.
Seeking for a temporary diversion, Remus' eyes wandered. They settled on the window on the far wall. Outside it still felt like summer, and the light reflected it, shining almost playfully.
He walked to the window and looked outside. Below him, he could see students laying on the grass, soaking up warmth from the sun. Still others were running around, playing some sort of game. They all looked happy and at peace with the world.
Remus watched sadly. Life went on.
So would his, of course. He wasn't the suicidal type; he had too much strength for that. But still.without Sirius, the future was bleak and unknown.
"Am I disturbing you, Remus?"
Remus turned around. Standing in the doorway was Albus Dumbledore. As always, Remus was impressed with the sense of calm that Albus radiated. He was a man of power and responsibility; you could see it in his eyes, even when he laughed.
Right now though, his eyes were solemn; there was very little humor in his gaze as he looked at Remus.
Remus smiled slightly. "Not at all, Albus. What can I do for you?"
"Perhaps, Remus, a better question is what can I do for you?" Dumbledore entered the room and crossed to where Remus was standing. He was an old man, but there was no sense of frailty when he moved. Only age.and great wisdom.
"Help me how, Albus?" Remus knew where this was going. It was not a big surprise; there was hardly anything in Hogwarts that Albus Dumbledore didn't find out about, eventually. But Remus did not know how this conversation would resolve. So he played dumb and waited.
Dumbledore looked at him seriously. "I am concerned about how you are faring emotionally, Remus. The last couple of months have been.traumatic on everyone involved. But you seem to be keeping your feelings locked up. I can only assume that it has to do with Sirius' death."
Remus sighed. Albus' analysis was dead-on, but there was nothing he could to change it. His grief from loosing Sirius was his own problem, and he did not want to burden others with its weight.
He thought for a moment, and formed a neutral response.
"Yes.that's true. Sirius and I were friends, and I miss him greatly. But there's very little that I can do about the situation, so I'm dealing with it as best I can."
He didn't know how much Albus knew about his relationship with Sirius, so he didn't bring it up. If Albus noticed the slight pause before the word 'friends,' he gave no sign.
Albus regarded him with a piercing gaze. It gave Remus the impression that Albus knew absolutely everything about him, but was merely pretending in order to be polite. It was a frightening thought.
"Remus.you know as well as I that nothing good comes from denying emotions. It only hurts the person and those around him. Very little is resolved."
"I know, Albus."
"As long as you cherish the memories of someone that you care for, they will not die. Sirius lives inside you, in your memories of him."
Remus didn't answer. There was nothing to say. While he knew that this was factual on the intellectual level, deeper down the words felt hollow and untrue. He appreciated Albus' intentions in speaking to him, but there was nothing that could be done to help. He was on this own.
Some of his reticence must have been apparent to Dumbledore, for there was a long pause. Then, moving one step closer, Dumbledore put his hand on Remus' shoulder. Surprised, Remus looked up into the old wizard's eyes, which were deep with sympathy and understanding.
"If there is anything I can do to help you Remus, you have only to ask. Please remember that."
Remus nodded. Again, he had nothing to say. Albus looked him piercingly one last time, and then left the room.
It is likely that Albus knows, Remus thought. About.Sirius and myself. But it doesn't matter. It would only mean something if Sirius were still alive. But he's not. It doesn't matter.
Remus groaned aloud. His thoughts were running through well-worn tracks of misery and pain. When he was by himself, it seemed like all he did was mourn.
This was going nowhere. Perhaps he needed a change of scenery.
Remus left the classroom and walked to the nearest staircase. Before long, he has passed by the Great Doors (?) into the bright sunlight. It felt good on his skin. He closed his eyes, and tried to force the sun's warmth inside him, willing it to warm his heart. It didn't work.
Not that he expected it to.
Remus opened his eyes and looked around. It truly was a beautiful day. If only he could enjoy it like he used to.
A flash of black at the edge of his vision caught his attention. A group of students were walking up the path to the castle. On closer inspection, it appeared to be Harry, Ron, Hermione, and a group of about 5 other Gryffindors. Harry, Ron, and Hermione waved at Remus, and he returned the gesture, changing direction so that he would intersect them.
As he neared the group he began to hear snippets of their conversation.
"Oh, come'on Dean, you can't believe something in that book!"
"Why not?"
"It's a fraud! Anyone who even glances at that book could tell it's made up. You've been had!"
"Aw, you don't know that!"
"Yes he-"
"What's all this?" Remus asked, cleanly slipping into the conversation. A discussion was a welcome change from his morose thoughts.
Dean shrugged, tightening his grip on the book he held between his hands. Silence all around for a moment, and then Hermione offered an explanation.
"When Dean went home on holiday, he found a book in a Muggle shop. It's supposed to contain tales of amazing magical spells and artifacts, but most of the tales seem, well.far-fetched. But Dea-" she stopped as Dean shot her a glare. "Well, we were just debating whether or not any of the stories in the book were feasible."
"I see." This was interesting. And if would give Remus something else to focus on. "May I see the book?"
Dean handed it to him. Remus studied the cover. It was a fairly new book, hard covered, with a most unflattering image of the stereotypical witch on the front. The title of the book was written in large gold letters: "Magic Secrets Revealed!"
From the cover alone, Remus would have assumed that the book was worthless. But it is never good, to judge a book from its cover (Remus groaned silently at the bad joke), so he opened the volume and scanned its pages.
His gaze fell on a section entitled "Human Adaptations and Transformations." It listed all sorts of interesting abilities, including a few he had never heard of. Who in their right mind would want to replace their mouth with chicken lips?
Remus picked an individual entry and studied it. To turn household items to gold - take one pinch of saffron and dust it over the item. Combine with the blood of a freshly blooded muskrat that has given birth within the last two months. Draw a circle with the blood around the item. Then light a candle and set it inside the circle. Presto! Instant gold. This spell may not work on house-hold pets.
Utter nonsense. Muggles knew absolutely nothing about magic. He handed the book back to Dean. "I'm afraid I have to agree, Dean. There is very little in this book that could be considered real magic. This book is worthless except for its entertainment value."
Dean shrugged. It was obvious that he'd make his own decision about the book. Ah well, let him enjoy it. The stories were bound to be interesting.and would make for very interesting results if he tried them on himself.
The other Gryffindors were still kidding Dean as they started moving towards the school again. Not having anywhere else to go at the moment, Remus joined the group at the end, near Harry.
"We told you, Dean!"
"Great book, but just don't take it seriously, y'know?"
"Look, it even lists here a rock that lets people talk to the dead. What a scam! You can't do that!"
Remus stopped. Or rather, he froze. For a moment, his legs refused to work. The group continued on without him. Only Hermione and Harry noticed that he was not keeping stride, and turned to look. Remus took a deep breath and forced his legs to move. He felt like someone had placed the Jelly-legs curse on him. Still, he forced himself to remain calm.
Or at least, he hoped he looked calm.
"Sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say"
Parvati answered this time. "Oh, there's an entry in the book about a mystical orb that allows people to routinely talk to the dead. But that's impossible, everyone knows that. Only seers can do it, and very rarely."
He forced himself to remain calm. The book was worthless, he had already confirmed that. But still, to dismiss it completely.
"May I see the book?"
It was handed to him again. Remus looked at the entry:
The Orb of Amina Legend has it that this mysterious sphere was created by seven ancient Indian shamans centuries ago. According to translations of the surviving runes, the orb allows the user to single out a soul who has passed over, and summon their spirit to the earthly realm in order to converse.
There was more text. But Remus didn't read it. He was keeping a tight reign on his emotions at the moment.
"This does look interesting.Dean, do you mind if I borrow this book, for a day or so? I'd like to read it for fun."
Dean shrugged. "Sure, Professor."
"Thank you." he pocketed the book. Once the group entered the school the Gryffindor contingent headed straight for the Great Hall. Remus did not. He walked quickly to his office and entered, magically locking the door behind him. Breathing heavily, he sat down on his desk He looked at the book, with its ugly illustrations and gimmicky title. His mind was racing.
Could it be possible.? He had not thought so. But then, he has always assumed the same as everyone else, that is was impossible to commune with the dead. What if there had been a technique, though? A very old and primitive one.lost in time for centuries.
Remus rolled his eyes. This was a Muggle book. What did Muggles know about magic? Absolutely nothing was the answer. It had to be false.
And yet.he couldn't dismiss it. Couldn't let go. Something inside told him not to give up on this silly lore volume so easily.
Years ago, Remus had learned to listen to his instincts as a matter of course. And right now, his instincts were screaming at him to learn more information about this strange orb.
With trembling fingers, he opened the book.