Once a lifetime, I remember something
When there´s been the touch of an angel
When there´s been something that´s different
I can still feel you are … around me
I can still feel your hand lingering on my skin
And yet …
Memory isn´t all I´d have gotten in the end
Believe me, you must do …
I ne´er wanted to leave, it was no lie
I know you think it the other way round
But … I was faithful in this moment
I´m still … there´s too much I don´t want to miss …
He´s dragging me away, he´s trying to draw me to the other side of the lake. He says, it´s over, the nightmares will soon be gone at last. But … I don't want it to be over … there´s something I´m quite sure, I´d miss only too soon …
He says, I´d be last free at last, of this demon, this horrible monster that it´d be. I´ve to close my eyes to will away the things he says, trying to let those memories stay alive which the better ones of this all. There´s no angel, igen, only a man … A man I´d hurt beyond comprehension, out of my own ignorance. There´re so many faults I did, so many wrongs I cannot change any more.
I know, he wants to marry me, but I´m never able to do this. My heart … to whom does it belong in the end? Him … I´m not that sure since some time, maybe it´d never been.
My angelic teacher … I remember only too well the begin of this all, but it didn´t end as it maybe could have. I´d like to say to him how much I´m sorry, how much I´d to regret each step I took since … since this fateful night. But I know, it´s too late … too late for every thing.
He still drags me on, still refuses to notice my uneasiness. Don´t you see that I´m not happy, that I don´t think with joy of the fact that I´ve to got with you? That I don´t want to go with you?
I wish I´d … just turn around and go back, only to … But it´s not to be, it´s not what I´m expected to do. All these expectations, all these … things I´m more than just afraid of. Aristocracy, the total change of lifestyle, the total change of society. What am I in their eyes, nothing else than a cheap little minx, one who´s not allowed to move in their circles. Not the kind of life I´d ever dream of … And no more singing on stage, never ever again … I knew that he´d have a close eye at this topic. No more music, no more … would I be able to live without, would I be able to survive such a cold and unwanted life? He claims to love me; but could this be love, to deny the other one the things he need for survival?
Far away, I recognize something like the beginning of another corridor. To which place would it lead if someone would follow its darkness?
I´m so very tired, so … somehow so very empty … and from where does all this darkness come? I want to sit down, to close my eyes, and to drift away into another world, maybe a place of silence and solitude. But I´m denied of this, he denies it. Would this be dying, to lie down, to rest in an endless sleep, and to find peace at last? I don´t know, but the more he drags me further, the more I wish I could … Just to finish every thing …
I don´t want to leave this place, don´t want to return to the light of day. Not with him, not like this. To be alive … and just nothing else than fading like a flower … until the end of the day …
He tries to follow the corridor, hoping that it´d bring him up to the light, but it seems this one belongs to those I don´t know, the ones I´d never used. But I´m too tired to tell him, too tired to do anything. Let me sit down, here and now, and let me rest; you can be more than assured, that he won´t follow us …
The last thought hit me hard. He would not follow, he … maybe he´d … I´d never be able to see him again …
My thoughts wander further into this direction, deeper into those parts of my mind I didn´t want to know. I didn´t want to hear …
He says, he loves me … more than anything else he´d ever touched before or aftermath. He gave me back my confidence into my self, gave me my voice and … wanted even to give me more than this. He´d have even given his life if he´d known for sure that this´d let me survive …
He says, he loves me … a love without any kind of conditions, unbound and endless, a love so deep that it´d maybe kill his soul in the end. And all he asked of me was just nothing else than to … be loved and accepted as the one he´s, the one who seems to be hidden beneath all those layers of veils and mirrors he´d put up in a long process during his lifetime … somewhere there´s a soul, a soul just like every other soul, with the same ability to feel, to love, to fear and to suffer … nothing else than just a simple and plain man like any other …
Yet, he´s so very different from us all, so unlike even one of us. Those golden eyes, shimmering like the light of the sun on a bright summers day, and this voice … a voice that´d even make the devils weep, as soft as the move of velvet, as sweet as something that´s forbidden to be hold in ones hand … A voice that makes notes coming alive, just like fairy-tales to be told. Musical notes, living, breathing and feeling emotions, and knowledge beyond the side of the edge I´d known before … The angel of music, coming alive in his voice … so full of beauty, so full of sensitive longing … and yet …
He says, he says, he loves me … but would I ever be able to forget what´s lying beyond all this, to forget a kind of truth I´m still afraid, I´m not able to bear or maybe to handle, too? This little, maybe insignificant difference between us is the very thing that would part us for all times?
… The devil´s face … and the angel´s voice …
As I look for a short moment at our path, I can see that he´s still trying to follow this dark corridor. There´s something not that far away that let me think of the eerie light of the lake. Did he go in a circle, and didn´t realize it? Against my will, I smile inwardly. I´d have a chance to go back, after all … But what to do with him, how to handle the him?
He craves for the light, the same light that is reflected in his eyes. A light that he´s maybe denied himself an eternity before … His eyes, the mystery in them; and yet, the other side, the hopelessness, the longing for death. And yet, he´s not what he appears to be, as far as I got to know him, behind this attire and façade of Le Fantôme de l´Opèra there´s something that only wants to be normal, a normal life in the light of the day.
Even he craves for that, there might be something more he craves for. I know it only too well, even I tried to vehemently to deny it, maybe for protecting myself against things I might still be afraid of … darkness, passion, some kind of emotion, I might not be that sure. Maybe I´m still a child at this point, maybe I might lack more than just plain experience. And I know, with all of this I hurt him, far beyond all I might have wanted, maybe even deeper than to the core.
I look around myself, wondering if he is knowing what he´s about to do. He´s really going back, returning to the lake if he´d follow this corridor until its end. Bittersweet irony, maybe …?
I´ve to go through until we´d reach the shore again. It´s the only chance for me, the only way to return. But my body, my mind and my soul, they all urge me to rest, just to sit down, here and now and to close my eyes.
There´s some kind of emptiness, growing on and on. If there was any emotion in me, it seems as if I´m drained of it, getting empty like a hollowed out shell. Is there something I can still lose, something that might be there to let me hold onto?
Broken dreams, broken attires, lost memories, and hopes of a little child …
What do you expect, if there might be a little chance to see him once more? That he´d take you back with open arms, welcoming and lovingly? Just forgetting everything, that´d happened before?
Would you really think like this? Do you really expect this to happen?
The mirrored image of his soul in my memory, broken and lost beyond what I´d become to know not that long ago. I made it break, I was the one who killed him in the end … One way or another, and maybe not only literally. There´s nothing to do, nothing to turn back, how´d I be able to regret, at least forgiving myself what I did wrong …
Too much to say … too much to fear … but how to change anything …
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