Dancing on a cloud with closed eyes,
tiptoeing over a rope … emptiness beneath …
Memories reflected in a broken mirror´s image,
wandering through shards of broken glass …
Watching with closed eyes
waiting for what´s never meant to be …
If there´s an answer, so tell me:
For what do we live?
Darkness enfolds its arms around me, the tides of the lakes water playing with my body. I´m just lying there, still in the lake, getting more and more colder. What to wait for any longer, what to hope for at last? There´s nothing to hold, there´s nothing to give, lest to share …
I´m not sure, if I´d like to know this fairy-tale of a better tomorrow, or anything that lies beyond. I´m just too tired, too broken for anything to do …
Let darkness put its veil around you and lay your self to rest. To rest until time´s end … sleep and silence, once again melting together in eternal solitude, the same I´d known before all of this began. It´s just so very easy, so simple in its plain reality … and yet, once more her mirrored image is haunting my mind. She won´t leave me for good. She won´t set me free. Following the trail of my thoughts, always there, singing songs in my head … songs of hate and abuse, mistrust, denial, and shattered illusions.
Everything beyond, whatever there might be … on the other side of the edge … But to fear …
I´d never forget this expression of fear in her eyes, my own horror mirrored in hers. How could I do this to her, how could I ever think about …
I can feel the coldness spreading more and more in my body, feel myself becoming more and more stiffening. It´s getting to be over … soon, very soon … at last. I don´t think, that there´d be too much time for me which´d be left … This could be the very last of all nights I´d gotten such a long time ago … hopefully, that it´s the last one …
I wish I´d have the chance to ask her forgiveness for all those wrongs and mistakes I did to her. Nevertheless, she´d not do. She hates me too much, I´d seen it in her eyes, when she´d left some hours ago … maybe it´s better to let her stab me with my very own dagger right into my heart, to let her strangle myself with my own damned pride. Gods, how much more that I´d like to take back, to change …
Is this the meaning of ending a life? To ask for forgiveness, to find peace with your self and all the others?
Pretty little concept, might fit anyone else … how to find peace with your self?
What would she expect while she´s running away with this little young one of hers? Would she wonder, if I´d followed them, if I´d demanded to her to return to here? What if I´d have asked her to fulfill her bargain … to stay here with me until death would tear us apart? A life full of loathing and hate … unforgiving until it´d be over … The final crime, incomparable and hidden in silence … The final veil, torn apart and shred to thousands of almost unseen pieces, nothing else left than the shards of a broken mirror´s glass …
She didn´t love me, she´d never have … there´s nothing to pretend or to complain any longer, nothing to lie to your self for some more time …
Just let me die … with the illusions and memories of a broken dream, let me step over the threshold of the edge with an image of her, even if it might be blurred. Let me rest in peace with an illusion, a dream … to let my soul soar in the skies once again …to let me fly for one more time …
… Even if it means to lie to myself …
… even if there´s nothing to hold any longer, even not to share …
It´s a lie, was always a lie … bittersweet illusion … how a dream could hurt, how could …
--