Chapter 9
Kate and Mike didn't shout. They didn't yell and they didn't have a go at me. We walked quietly back up to school, and Kate started crying. I felt like a traitor for betraying their trust in me.
We arrived at Hogwarts, and Kate and Mike went straight upstairs without speaking. I felt sick, and my insides were knotted up with tension. This was worse than being yelled at.
"How did they find out?" I asked Cissa in a low voice.
"Mike saw a picture of your team in the paper," she replied listlessly. "And there was an article about your Hungary trip. He guessed." She looked washed-out, and she had dark circles under her eyes. She wasn't even wearing any make-up, which was like going out without any clothes on for my cousin. I felt really sorry for her. This business with Lucius was still getting to her, and now I'd dragged her into even more trouble.
"What happened?"
"They apparated to Surrey, and talked to Edith, who's in perfect health," Cissa replied, then she turned away and trudged upstairs.
I watched her go. I knew that this was finally it. I had to make up my mind about what I was going to do. If I carried on the way I was, I was going to keep angering my family. They'd looked livid when they'd picked me up after the trip, as if they couldn't believe what I'd done and didn't know how to handle it. If I kept on playing, we were going to fall out big-time. Was that what I really wanted?
And then there was James…
I went upstairs. I could still hear the murmur of Kate and Mike's voices from behind closed doors. I could guess what they were saying.
"Cissa?" I went into the dorm and sat next to her on her bed. She looked miserable, and didn't seem too pleased to see me. But I had something to ask her.
"Ciss, how do you know Luc is the one?" I asked tentatively.
My cousin's face softened. "I just know," she said quietly. "When you're in love you'd do anything to be with that person."
I was silent for a moment, wondering if that was how I felt about James.
"Do you think Kate would disown me if I ever brought home a Gryffindor?" I blurted out.
Cissa was on to me like a shot. "Who're you talking about?"
"No-one." I tried to sound innocent. "I'm just saying."
"It's that coach bloke, isn't it?" Cissa looked scandalised. "I knew something was going on when he turned up here!"
So she had noticed.
"Nothing's happened," I said quickly.
Cissa gave me a warning look. "Well, you make sure it doesn't, all right?"
I bit my lip. If Cissa didn't think it could work, what chance did I have?
"Look, Lily, you can marry anyone you want," my cousin went on in a more reasonable voice. "It's fine at first when you're in love and all that." She shrugged her shoulders. "But Kate'll flip, you know she will – she'd probably throw you out. Your family and friends will hate him. His family and friends will hate you. And when He found out…" she gulped "…well, just remember you've got Morgan blood. You're a Slytherin, Muggle-born or no. He won't be pleased if one of his own marries a Muggle-loving Gryffindork."
I sighed. I knew there was a lot of truth in what she said, however much I didn't want to hear it.
"Why go to so much grief when there are so many more suitable boys you could marry? You know Stevens, that Ravenclaw prefect, he's had a crush on you all year." She glanced sideways at me. "What about Severus? He's been mad on you for ages."
I nodded. She hadn't given me the advice I'd wanted to hear. But then, I hadn't expected her to. Nobody understood. I couldn't even talk to my favourite poster of Pendragon any more. I had just one question spinning round and round in my mind. What was I going to do? Whatever I decided, someone was going to get hurt…
I walked up to the clubhouse, and peered nervously through the open door. I was looking for James, and I didn't have much time. Kate had let me out of the common-room reluctantly when I told her I needed to go to the library. But she'd expect me back in an hour or two, and I had somewhere else I needed to go after I'd seen James.
James was in the clubhouse, talking to two older men, one of whom I recognised as the chairman of the club. I thought the other guy might be the secretary. I watched as they shook hands with James and went off through the other door. I moved away, loosened my ponytail and let my hair fall around my shoulders. I wanted to look good for him, although I was wearing my school robes. Don't tell me. Stupid, I know.
James had spotted me, and he walked over, his expression unreadable. I couldn't tell if he was embarrassed, glad to see me or wished I was ten thousand miles away.
"Hi," I said, trying to avoid his eyes.
"Hi."
There was an awkward silence.
"Was that the club chairman?" I asked. Anything to put off what I was about to tell him.
"Yeah." James looked down at his feet. "They've told me they're considering me for assistant coach to the men's side next year."
"That's great." I honestly did feel pleased for him. He'd worked hard for this chance. "Congratulations."
"I probably won't get it," Joe said quietly. "It's better not to count on anything."
Another silence.
"Well, you deserve it," I said. I took a deep breath and groped for the right words. "Look, I'm sorry about – "
"I've already forgotten it," James jumped in.
"Yeah, good." I cleared my throat. "Me too."
"Your folks didn't look too pleased yesterday," James said. Understatement of the millennium, I thought. "I suppose you've come to tell me you're off the team."
I hung my head. That was exactly why I was there. The semi-final was coming up on Sunday, and I was giving James plenty of notice so that he could sort out a replacement. It had all seemed so simple earlier that morning, but now I was torn in two again.
"It's not fair," I mumbled. "I feel like I'm either going to let the team down or really piss my family off. I don't want to upset anyone."
James shook his head. "Why are they so frightened to let you play?" he asked, looking genuinely puzzled.
"It's not useful. They think I'm throwing away my talents." I smiled bitterly. "What's the use of being Head Girl if you're going to waste your life playing silly games." I said, in imitation of Kate.
James looked frustrated. I didn't blame him; I felt the same way myself. "Whose life are you living, Lily? If you try pleasing them forever, you're going to end up blaming them."
"What, like you?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
James looked away from me.
"Sorry – " I began.
"No, you're right," James interrupted me. "I stopped talking to my dad because we had nothing to talk about. After my injury, I spent a year trying to forget about the game, but I couldn't."
"But I can't just can't stop talking to them like you," I muttered. My family irritated the hell out of me, and I hated their Dark sympathies, but they were still my family. I couldn't just do what I wanted and leave them behind.
"I don't talk to my dad because I know what he'd say," James said abruptly. "He'd laugh himself stupid if he found out I was coaching girls."
"How do you know that?" I argued. "How do you know that he wouldn't be proud that you just didn't give up?"
James didn't look very convinced. Then he looked me straight in the eye. "Like you're giving up?"
His words stung, but I just shook my head dully. He didn't understand.
"Oh, hello." Chloe beamed at me, opening the portrait hole wider. "It's Lillian, isn't it?"
"Liliana," I corrected her. I was taking a chance in coming to see Abby, but I had to make her listen to me. Even if I was off the team, I didn't want her to hate me.
"Oh, yes, Liliana," Chloe repeated. "I'm sorry. Come in, babe." I stepped into the Gryffindor common room. "Abby is up in the dorm. I'll just take you up there."
I followed Chloe up the stairs. Even though it was early in the morning, she was all tarted up in a floral skirt, low-cut T-shirt, high heels and loads of make-up. She went ahead of me, trailing perfume, and opened the dormitory door.
"Abs, darling – oh, are you still not up?" She sounded concerned. "Guess who's come to see you?"
I followed Chloe into the room just in time to see Abby pull herself up from her pillows. She gave me an icy glare and didn't say a word.
"It's your Slytherin friend from Quidditch," Chloe went on, bustling across the room to open the curtains. "Oh, Abby's been ever so down since you lost in Hungary. Maybe you can cheer her up, though."
At the moment it looked like the only thing that would cheer Abby up was murdering me, so I didn't reply.
Chloe came over to stand next to me. "Do you want a Butterbeer, Lily? I've got some left from the last Hogsmeade trip."
"No, it's alright, Chloe," Abby snapped. "Lily won't be staying long."
"Oh." Chloe looked uncertainly from Abby to me. I think she'd finally sussed that there was something major going on. "Well, just give me a shout if you change your minds," she said, going over to the door as slowly as she could. I got the feeling she was dying to know what was happening, but couldn't quite bring herself to ask.
I stood there uncomfortably until I heard Chloe going down the stairs. She'd looked so curious, I wouldn't have put it past her to stand outside the door, trying to get an earful. "Look, Abby," I began. That was when I noticed the photo of James and Abby lying crumpled on top of the wastebasket. "I feel really bad about what happened."
"Well, you should," Abby retorted bitterly.
"I'm sorry." I tried again. "I don't want you to be in a strop with me."
"I am NOT in a strop!" Abby hissed.
"It was a mistake," I gabbled. "I didn't know what I was doing."
Abby looked so hurt I felt sick. "I can't believe you kissed him!" she burst out.
I was gobsmacked. "I didn't – "
"Yeah, right," Abby said scornfully. "I know what I saw. You knew he was off-limits."
I didn't know what to say. I hadn't realised she thought I'd actually kissed James. But Merlin, what did it matter? There was an evil little voice at the back of my mind, sticking its nose in again. I would've kissed him if Abby hadn't turned up…
"Don't pretend to be so innocent!" Abby flared. "You knew exactly how I felt about him!"
"But you told me you didn't like him," I defended myself. "And now you're acting like you're in love with him!"
Abby didn't answer. She rolled over in bed, staring at the wall so that I couldn't see her face. I felt helpless.
"So that's it?" I asked. My voice was shaking, and I didn't even try to hide it.
"That's it." Abby pulled the blankets over her head and lay very still.
Biting my lip, I ran out of the dorm and down the stairs. Chloe was standing at the bottom, obviously having tried to listen to our conversation. I didn't want her to see how upset I was, so I slipped past her and made for the portrait hole.
I pulled it open. One of Abby's friends, Aaron, was outside, just about to give the password to the portrait, and he looked surprised to see me. I wondered if Abby had told him what had happened. I knew she was close to Aaron because he always stood up for her against the girls when they were having a go about Abby playing Quidditch.
"Bye," I mumbled, glancing around at Chloe.
She didn't answer me. She looked pretty upset herself, for some reason. Merlin knows why. But she couldn't be half as upset as I was. My whole life was falling to bits around me, and I didn't have a clue what to do about it.