Title: Building our castle
Song: Building a castle by Bonnie Pink
Disclaimer: Okay, song credits to Bonnie pink, such a beautiful song... if anyone wants it, mail me. Anyhow, the characters don't belong to me. Even not Harry, who's locked inside my closet with a bunch of other cute guys. Pity, though. Everything belong to J.K. Rowling. She is such a lucky girl.
Note: No I didn't drop Chobsession, I just needed another focus. And for those who don't know my story Chobsession,.. check it out. It's pretty damn hilarious.
BUILDING OUR CASTLE
I was watching them. Both of them. I couldn't stop myself from it. There seems to be glue on them, glue strong enough to keep me sticking with them. To keep me watching their every move.
Harry was so complex. I never quiete decided wheter to see him as child or as an adult. He could be an adult, he certainly had the mind of an adult. He had been through so much, one thing that really made him hard to understand. I always tried to understand him as good as possible. Sometimes I suggested things, usually supported him or listen to him. He listened to me as well, but with not as many ears as I listened to him.
Ron was so easy. He was so simple, seeing fun in everything. Somewhere, I loved his easy look on life, like there was no obstacle in his one. On the other side, I couldn't quiete agree either. Our personalities really confront eachother. And usually I was the one who could give the only sane answer. Unless I was being hypnotised again.
Hypnotised. I could get it by the look in Harry's eyes, by Ron's smile, by Harry's conversations or by Ron's fights. There was always something that they did to me.
And now I was watching them. They were fighting. And I was just watching.
One of the many situations where I felt completely useless. As long as they fought others, I could keep them from it. As long as they didn't argue with eachother. Why?
I could never decide who had to win.
They were fighting, about what, I didn't know. Not untill Harry stopped and turned to me. I was crying at that moment. They had to stop.
*No matter how much I cry It won't stop*
Ron walked to me as well. They both looked at eachother with so much hate, I thought they were going to kill eachother. Shaking, I asked what they were fighting about.
"About you."
The answer was even more complex than Harry. even easier than Ron. It was painfull.
I stood up. Looking from Ron to Harry. from Harry to Ron. They looked at me, too. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks. Rapidly and violently. I wasn't sad. Not anymore.
Instead, I was angry.
They both looked at me, as if I was a thing, not a person. Their posession. As if.
And then, they just started fighting again. It was so stupid. It was meaningless. They hadn't even asked me anything. Nothing.
Frustrated, I ran to my room. Or, actually, the girl's dormitories, but there wasn't anyone there at this moment, so it became my room.
*No matter how hard I grind my teeth in my frustration*
Why did the two boys who I loved fight over me?
I wanted to stop them. But I didn't know how without hurting one of them. They wouldn't listen to me. Not even if I had screamed. To them, I was just some posession, now wasn't I?
I seemed to be.
*No matter how loud I scream It won't be heard It just blows out silently*
Another question popped to my mind.
Why did I ever fall in love with both of them?
It was actually more 'how' than 'why', but it certainly was a very good question. I was a reasonable girl. I was smart. I had brains. So why would I fall in love with my two best friends? How could I ever be sure of a relationship without the fear of losing friendship?
I was building up castles without knowing for sure if they would stand.
*What do I get from building a castle? What do I get from building a castle?*
But I had been foolish. Foolish to expect one of them to tell me they loved me. Or foolish to not tell one of them I loved them. One of them. I couldn't have both of them. Or couldn't I have one of them?
Either way, the castles I built up were lonely. I was all along and they were fighting. I couldn't even remember how it had started.
* ..this lone castle*
I needed to choose. And I needed to do it soon. It had to be either Harry or Ron. Ron or Harry.
But with whatever choice I would make, would come a loss.
I didn't want to lose.
The stress was everywhere in my body. My eyes couldn't stay closed forever like this. My hands couldn't stay resting in my lap. I couldn't just sit here and wait.
I needed to go somewhere.
It wasn't my idea in the first place to take a relaxing bath while they were still having a fight. But I did. I made a cup of tea, grabbed my journal and went to the Prefect's bathroom.
*I take a bath to ease my tensity in the end I make a cup of jasmine tea by myself to calm me down*
The water was warm and the light was illuminating. The damp was making the bathroom look differently and it made my mind clear instead of blur.
Unsure of what I was doing and wheter it would work, I grabbed my quill and started writing. Poems, songs, haiku's, notes, I don't know what I wrote. But it cleared me. It pured my soul and enlightened my heart a little.
Then it became clear to me what I had been writing.
Or actually drawing.
Two castles. I didn't know why, but immediatly I knew each one of them represented a relationship. One of the castles had banners and stood strong, the other one didn't, but was bigger.
It made me think about another thing. Money.
What did it mean to me? Was it more important than life itself?
Surely not. One seem to overthink that easily. If money wasn't important at all, then why was there so much in life that depended on money?
Still deep in thought, I returned to the Gryffindor common room. Harry was sitting next to the fireplace and I just saw Ron walking up the stairs to the boy's dormitories. Finally, they had stopped their stupid argue.
I didn't stay to talk with Harry, nor did I follow Ron to talk to him. I went to bed, in order to catch a good night sleep.
But I couldn't.
After a day like this, one full sadness, anger, frustration and questions, I still couldn't sleep. Everything was entering my mind again. How the fight had started. It had started about money, which answered my question why I was thinking about money earlier.
Ron had been angry because Harry hadn't asked to give him money back. It really showed how Ron valued money. More than Harry. But maybe that was because Harry had enough money and Ron just a little.
*I wonder if money can help me to sleep better one day after the prize, fame and all that jazz*
I finally fell asleep. Dreaming about castles. Dreaming about nightmares.
*What do I get from building a castle? What do I get from building a castle? ..this lone castle*
The next day, I entered the common room and found both Harry and Ron sitting at the fireplace. Because it was a Hogsmeade day, the rest of the Gryffindors were either leaving or had already left.
I walked over to them, they both looked at me as if to say I should choose. But I didn't. I didn't say anything when I sat down into the empty chair between them.
Without words they were having a struggle. A battle. They were both considering to ask me. But they both didn't. They just kept messing with their own will to do so.
They didn't understand it hurted me. It hurted me so much. But they didn't hurt me. It was I myself who was hurting me. Because I didn't dare to ask them. I didn't dare to choose.
*They tell me to hurt myself deeper and deeper*
I stood up again. I couldn't sit there, between them, as if nothing had happened. As If I wasn't fighting with myself deep within. I didn't bother to walk either. No, I ran out of the common room. Away from the insanity.
*They don't know what it's like to stay away from insanity*
And I ran to the library. It took me several seconds to understand why I had come here. But then it made perfect sense. I was here to find out my true feelings. Those who I was hiding from myself.
While I searched the books for the spell I was searching, I saw Harry and Ron fight in my head again. This determind me even more to continue searching.
*They tell me, they tell me to go as far as I can*
And finally I found it. Not knowing wheter it was the right way to find out, but I prepared myself. The spell was called Carmen of Verum.
I was so foolish to not look up the translation of that title. It could have saved me a lot of embarrassement, because, once I said the spell, I couldn't control my words anymore. I started to sing.
*So I sing to be understood 'til they listen to me*
I didn't even know what I was singing, but it seemed to be the right thing to sing. It suddenly accured to me that everyone was looking at me.
*So I sing to be understood 'til they listen to me*
I ran out of the library, into the common room, where Harry and Ron were argueing again. They stopped when they saw me. Or actually heard me.
*So I sing to be understood 'til they listen to me*
And then it hit me what I was singing. Ron had run out of the common room and Harry had pressed his lips together, looking very confused.
*So I sing to be understood 'til they listen to me*
I was singing that I only needed one person in my life. Only one person that would be there always. A person that wasn't my best friend. I needed a person that was more than my best friend. And that person was Harry.
The good part was that Harry felt the same way for me and that Ron learned to love another girl, Luna Lovegood.
The bad part was that I didn't know the counterspell.
Disclaimer: Okay, song credits to Bonnie pink, such a beautiful song... if anyone wants it, mail me. Anyhow, the characters don't belong to me. Even not Harry, who's locked inside my closet with a bunch of other cute guys. Pity, though. Everything belong to J.K. Rowling. She is such a lucky girl.
Note: No I didn't drop Chobsession, I just needed another focus. And for those who don't know my story Chobsession,.. check it out. It's pretty damn hilarious.
BUILDING OUR CASTLE
I was watching them. Both of them. I couldn't stop myself from it. There seems to be glue on them, glue strong enough to keep me sticking with them. To keep me watching their every move.
Harry was so complex. I never quiete decided wheter to see him as child or as an adult. He could be an adult, he certainly had the mind of an adult. He had been through so much, one thing that really made him hard to understand. I always tried to understand him as good as possible. Sometimes I suggested things, usually supported him or listen to him. He listened to me as well, but with not as many ears as I listened to him.
Ron was so easy. He was so simple, seeing fun in everything. Somewhere, I loved his easy look on life, like there was no obstacle in his one. On the other side, I couldn't quiete agree either. Our personalities really confront eachother. And usually I was the one who could give the only sane answer. Unless I was being hypnotised again.
Hypnotised. I could get it by the look in Harry's eyes, by Ron's smile, by Harry's conversations or by Ron's fights. There was always something that they did to me.
And now I was watching them. They were fighting. And I was just watching.
One of the many situations where I felt completely useless. As long as they fought others, I could keep them from it. As long as they didn't argue with eachother. Why?
I could never decide who had to win.
They were fighting, about what, I didn't know. Not untill Harry stopped and turned to me. I was crying at that moment. They had to stop.
*No matter how much I cry It won't stop*
Ron walked to me as well. They both looked at eachother with so much hate, I thought they were going to kill eachother. Shaking, I asked what they were fighting about.
"About you."
The answer was even more complex than Harry. even easier than Ron. It was painfull.
I stood up. Looking from Ron to Harry. from Harry to Ron. They looked at me, too. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks. Rapidly and violently. I wasn't sad. Not anymore.
Instead, I was angry.
They both looked at me, as if I was a thing, not a person. Their posession. As if.
And then, they just started fighting again. It was so stupid. It was meaningless. They hadn't even asked me anything. Nothing.
Frustrated, I ran to my room. Or, actually, the girl's dormitories, but there wasn't anyone there at this moment, so it became my room.
*No matter how hard I grind my teeth in my frustration*
Why did the two boys who I loved fight over me?
I wanted to stop them. But I didn't know how without hurting one of them. They wouldn't listen to me. Not even if I had screamed. To them, I was just some posession, now wasn't I?
I seemed to be.
*No matter how loud I scream It won't be heard It just blows out silently*
Another question popped to my mind.
Why did I ever fall in love with both of them?
It was actually more 'how' than 'why', but it certainly was a very good question. I was a reasonable girl. I was smart. I had brains. So why would I fall in love with my two best friends? How could I ever be sure of a relationship without the fear of losing friendship?
I was building up castles without knowing for sure if they would stand.
*What do I get from building a castle? What do I get from building a castle?*
But I had been foolish. Foolish to expect one of them to tell me they loved me. Or foolish to not tell one of them I loved them. One of them. I couldn't have both of them. Or couldn't I have one of them?
Either way, the castles I built up were lonely. I was all along and they were fighting. I couldn't even remember how it had started.
* ..this lone castle*
I needed to choose. And I needed to do it soon. It had to be either Harry or Ron. Ron or Harry.
But with whatever choice I would make, would come a loss.
I didn't want to lose.
The stress was everywhere in my body. My eyes couldn't stay closed forever like this. My hands couldn't stay resting in my lap. I couldn't just sit here and wait.
I needed to go somewhere.
It wasn't my idea in the first place to take a relaxing bath while they were still having a fight. But I did. I made a cup of tea, grabbed my journal and went to the Prefect's bathroom.
*I take a bath to ease my tensity in the end I make a cup of jasmine tea by myself to calm me down*
The water was warm and the light was illuminating. The damp was making the bathroom look differently and it made my mind clear instead of blur.
Unsure of what I was doing and wheter it would work, I grabbed my quill and started writing. Poems, songs, haiku's, notes, I don't know what I wrote. But it cleared me. It pured my soul and enlightened my heart a little.
Then it became clear to me what I had been writing.
Or actually drawing.
Two castles. I didn't know why, but immediatly I knew each one of them represented a relationship. One of the castles had banners and stood strong, the other one didn't, but was bigger.
It made me think about another thing. Money.
What did it mean to me? Was it more important than life itself?
Surely not. One seem to overthink that easily. If money wasn't important at all, then why was there so much in life that depended on money?
Still deep in thought, I returned to the Gryffindor common room. Harry was sitting next to the fireplace and I just saw Ron walking up the stairs to the boy's dormitories. Finally, they had stopped their stupid argue.
I didn't stay to talk with Harry, nor did I follow Ron to talk to him. I went to bed, in order to catch a good night sleep.
But I couldn't.
After a day like this, one full sadness, anger, frustration and questions, I still couldn't sleep. Everything was entering my mind again. How the fight had started. It had started about money, which answered my question why I was thinking about money earlier.
Ron had been angry because Harry hadn't asked to give him money back. It really showed how Ron valued money. More than Harry. But maybe that was because Harry had enough money and Ron just a little.
*I wonder if money can help me to sleep better one day after the prize, fame and all that jazz*
I finally fell asleep. Dreaming about castles. Dreaming about nightmares.
*What do I get from building a castle? What do I get from building a castle? ..this lone castle*
The next day, I entered the common room and found both Harry and Ron sitting at the fireplace. Because it was a Hogsmeade day, the rest of the Gryffindors were either leaving or had already left.
I walked over to them, they both looked at me as if to say I should choose. But I didn't. I didn't say anything when I sat down into the empty chair between them.
Without words they were having a struggle. A battle. They were both considering to ask me. But they both didn't. They just kept messing with their own will to do so.
They didn't understand it hurted me. It hurted me so much. But they didn't hurt me. It was I myself who was hurting me. Because I didn't dare to ask them. I didn't dare to choose.
*They tell me to hurt myself deeper and deeper*
I stood up again. I couldn't sit there, between them, as if nothing had happened. As If I wasn't fighting with myself deep within. I didn't bother to walk either. No, I ran out of the common room. Away from the insanity.
*They don't know what it's like to stay away from insanity*
And I ran to the library. It took me several seconds to understand why I had come here. But then it made perfect sense. I was here to find out my true feelings. Those who I was hiding from myself.
While I searched the books for the spell I was searching, I saw Harry and Ron fight in my head again. This determind me even more to continue searching.
*They tell me, they tell me to go as far as I can*
And finally I found it. Not knowing wheter it was the right way to find out, but I prepared myself. The spell was called Carmen of Verum.
I was so foolish to not look up the translation of that title. It could have saved me a lot of embarrassement, because, once I said the spell, I couldn't control my words anymore. I started to sing.
*So I sing to be understood 'til they listen to me*
I didn't even know what I was singing, but it seemed to be the right thing to sing. It suddenly accured to me that everyone was looking at me.
*So I sing to be understood 'til they listen to me*
I ran out of the library, into the common room, where Harry and Ron were argueing again. They stopped when they saw me. Or actually heard me.
*So I sing to be understood 'til they listen to me*
And then it hit me what I was singing. Ron had run out of the common room and Harry had pressed his lips together, looking very confused.
*So I sing to be understood 'til they listen to me*
I was singing that I only needed one person in my life. Only one person that would be there always. A person that wasn't my best friend. I needed a person that was more than my best friend. And that person was Harry.
The good part was that Harry felt the same way for me and that Ron learned to love another girl, Luna Lovegood.
The bad part was that I didn't know the counterspell.