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Broken Man
I didn't think that it would turn out this way. No one thought that it would turn out this way.
I lie. I always knew that it would have to turn out this way. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. We all knew the prophecies. We all knew what was going to be done.
I just didn't know that I was going to be the one to do it.
I still remember the first day that I met him. I'm from the neighboring village. It's surprising that I had never met him before I did.
It was early morning… winter. The water hadn't frozen over yet, and I was determined to get a couple more runs out before the sea closed up for the winter. All he had to do was walk up to me and I felt like I had known him forever. I've never heard a voice so warm - so welcoming. Here was a man whom I'd never spoken to, whom I'd never even seen in passing, and at that moment, I knew that I would be willing to give my life for him. He asked me to follow him.
I would've walked out into the sea if he'd asked me to.
I wasn't the only one, but I was the closest. Not Peter, not John, but me. I was the one he came to late at night when dreams troubled him. We would talk of God, and prophecies, and fate. We would talk of the future, of our travels, the stars, his mother, the others, his fears.
I always found it hard to imagine that he could be afraid. It was part of his humanity. He feared what would happen to us once he was gone. He never phrased it like that - we didn't talk about his leaving. But we all knew the prophecies. If he was who he said he was, who I know he was… is… he would leave us.
It was raining the night he called me. It had rained for all of Passover. The others had found an attic that would hide us from the outside so as not to attract as much attention. While the others went to the market to gather the materials for the Seder, he and I stayed to ready the room.
I knew we were coming to the end. The way he just sat and watched me as I readied the table and set the pillows…
"I need you to do it." That's all he said. "I need you to do it." I couldn't understand. Oh, I fought. Please, believe me that I fought it. To send someone to their death? To send your best friend to their death?
To be the one to condemn the Messiah?
But no, he wouldn't listen to me. "The prophecies must be fulfilled," he said. I knew. I had known it all along. I had known this was coming. Why did it have to come now? Why this Passover?
Why?
And why did I have to be the one to do it?
"Because Caiphas will believe you," he replied. I stood in the background. I wasn't outspoken and brazen like the others. No, I was the one to stand back and fill whatever roll was needed. But this role…
I protested, asking forever why. He rose from the pillow he was leaning against and kissed me on the cheek.
"Because you love me."
And because I did love him, I did it. I did what he asked me to do. I sold the Messiah for thirty pieces of silver. Thirty lousy pieces of silver.
I couldn't tell the others. It would be too hard for them to bear. It might leak out. They might prepare an ambush to try and stop what had to come. But I knew what had to happen. He knew what had to happen. It was his destiny - as this was mine.
I led them to the garden. I led the men who would unknowingly set in motion the plan of the prophets to save my people into the garden. And I kissed him. It seemed appropriate. I was doing this because I loved him. And he asked me to do it because he loved me. Because he loved all of us. I know this - no matter what they have yelled at me, cursed at me, condemned me for doing, I know it was because of love.
But I'm only a man. Unlike him, I am only a man. A man can only take so much. None of them can look at me, and I am afraid. I am so afraid.
I was never strong. If I had been strong, I could stand hearing the screams as they plowed the nails through him. I can hear is mother screaming now. Just over that hill. I can hear her. I can hear Peter. His voice always carried. Now Peter… he is the rock. He was the strong one, and I know he'll take care of the others. I have fulfilled my destiny.
But there is nothing left for me here now - not with the hate in their eyes from those who can't ever understand why I did what I did.
All I have to do is let go of the cord in my hand and I'll be free.
All I have to do is let go.
I never said I was strong. I did what I had to do because it was my purpose to do so. I never thought that it would leave me broken inside. I did what I had to do, just like he did what he had to do. But they will damn me here. For all of history, for all of time, I will be damned.
Jesus… my friend… I did what you asked me to do. Now I have to do this - I am not strong enough to stay.
God, forgive me for what I have done… and now what I must do…