Disclaimer: Tolkien owns the Lord of the Rings characters. The Lord of the Rings characters own my friends and me.
A/N: Here it is...the moment you've all been waiting for...the third chapter! Hopefully in this chapter the italics and bold lettering will work a little better—I still don't know what went wrong with the last one. If it's not the poems, it's the little bold transition things at the beginning and end of each chapter...
edgy wedgy: Yeah, I'd say we're all pretty happy. Even Karolyn, who seems to have found comfort in Gimli. Just kidding—I hope. Poor Frodo is right, you get to see him pursued by fangirls some more in this chapter.
Siri: Actually, I'm not sure whether Karolyn and Gimli will elope or not. But I love the idea of the Fellowship fighting over her! That's a really interesting mental picture...dodging all the other girls as they try to woo poor Karolyn, who just wants to get back to her normal life...
A: Here you go. Do you like yourself in this chapter? Hee hee hee...
And now, the continuing adventures of Ashlin, Bethany, Karolyn, Liza, Mindy, Mona, Morgan, and Trina, the most annoying teenage girls in the universe! We join our hapless heroines and their helpless crushes once more:
The faint sound of footsteps grew louder as the stranger approached, but not by much. Apparently they were about to encounter an experienced woodsman. At this thought, Legolas cheered up a little. Perhaps another Elf who could help him fight off Liza and Bethany...or at least provide some better company.
His friends Aragorn and Frodo seemed likewise cheered by the prospect of help. Of course they couldn't be sure whether the intruder was friendly or not, but at the moment they had a distinct feeling that Orcs would be better than the girls who insisted on following them around. And one thing they could be sure of—no teenage girl like these eight could be nearly that quiet in the forest.
Almost immediately, the three realized that while help might be on the way, the results at the moment were simply disastrous. Liza, Trina, and Mindy, sensing possible danger, clung all the tighter to Legolas, Aragorn, and Frodo for protection. Bethany and Morgan glared jealously at them, obviously wishing they could take Liza and Mindy's places. Ashlin, who seemed rather dazed and confused by the proceedings, wandered around in search of a rock to hide behind, being bereft of any Men, Elves, or hobbits to shield her.
Naturally, Karolyn was doing her best to ignore everything going on around her, as was Gimli. They had struck up a conversation of sorts about the unfairness of so many Lord of the Rings characters being ridiculously good-looking and therefore held in higher esteem than, say, dwarves. "And they all have blue eyes!" Karolyn exclaimed with renewed anger at such discrimination. "Why do they all have blue eyes?"
"It's a conspiracy," Gimli agreed gloomily, kicking at the leaves underfoot. "I'm a better fighter than all of them put together, especially that sissy Elf, and do I get any respect? Nooo! I'm just here to entertain all the tall, hot people by falling over every ten seconds." As if to prove his point, Gimli tripped over a tree root and landed flat on his face. His three "friends" took a break from listening to the approaching footsteps and snickered at him for a few seconds while he tried to resist temptation.
He lost. "THAT WAS DELIBERATE!" he yelled. Really, he didn't know why he bothered—nobody ever seemed to believe him for some reason. Why was he doomed to provide comic relief forever?
Gimli's thoughts were interrupted by a crashing sound, as of someone hurriedly pushing his way past bushes and trees. The others in the clearing looked up with renewed wariness, trying to gauge how far away the noise was—
And Gimli was suddenly pulled upright by the back of his tunic. "Dwarf," growled a voice. "I should have known." Gimli stiffened in outrage—this was hardly paying him the respect he deserved! Then the voice came again, sounding unpleasantly surprised this time. "Oh. It's you."
Haldir of Lórien looked down at Gimli, his fair elven lip slightly curled in disgust. "I thought I'd seen the last of you," he snarled, releasing Gimli's tunic as though he might catch something contagious if he held it any longer. Gimli dropped the two feet to the ground, spluttering with indignation, but nobody noticed other than Karolyn. They were all too busy paying attention to the new arrival.
"Haldir!" Legolas cried gladly, stepping forward. "I have never been so glad to see a fellow Elf." Impulsively, he embraced the other. Haldir was understandably startled by this, but he suffered it with grace. After all, he had to make allowances—Legolas was obviously distraught and very possibly out of his mind. He tried to think of a reason for this strange behavior, but could come up with none. Perhaps too much time around that accursed dwarf had finally addled his wits...
Aragorn abruptly fell over sideways, putting an end to Haldir's train of thought. For a moment everyone stared at him, wondering what had happened to the normally graceful Ranger, but then Legolas noticed something—Trina had very suddenly relaxed her death grip on Aragorn's arm. The unaccustomed lightness must have thrown him off balance. But why, Legolas wondered, would she have done such a thing? It seemed so out of character!
Legolas soon got the answer to his question, much to the dismay of everyone. "Haldir?" Trina breathed, taking a step forward. "But I thought..." She sniffled a little. "I thought you were dead!"
"Dead?" Haldir, Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo echoed at once, shocked at this revelation. "Why would I be dead?" Haldir asked skeptically, raising a perfect elven eyebrow and wondering who in the name of Elbereth this girl was anyway.
Trina's eyes were wide as she stared at him. "Because...you...I saw it...Helm's Deep!" Bethany, Morgan, and Mindy nodded in agreement. Liza snorted derisively.
"Honestly," she muttered, shaking her head in pity. "Someone needs to read the books. Stupid movie version, sending the wrong army to Helm's Deep..." Legolas tried his best to ignore her continued ramblings and mutterings, no easy task when the ramblings and mutterings in question were occurring about three inches away from his sensitive ears.
However, all petty annoyances such as Liza were forgotten in the aftermath of what happened next. With a wild cry of joy, Trina lunged for Haldir, throwing her arms around the horrified Elf. Amid general shrieks of horror, he toppled over backward and landed with a thump, hitting his head hard on a tree root.
Everyone froze for a moment—even Gimli and Karolyn, who had been steadfastly ignoring everything, seemed affected by this. "What was that?" Gimli muttered to Karolyn, who shook her head and thought that this was just one more thing to add to her list of reasons why Lord of the Rings really stunk. Apparently, people not only fought randomly but fell over as well...
"Oh my gosh!" Trina screamed, staring down at Haldir in shock. "What happened?" She took Haldir by the shoulders and shook him as if hoping to revive him. It didn't work. Her eyes starting to fill with tears, she bit her lip and whimpered, "Haldy..."
Legolas took this opportunity to tear himself away from Liza and came to kneel by Haldir's side. "He is only unconscious. I daresay he will be all right—no thanks to you," he told Trina, who was sitting on her heels and sniffling ominously. She ignored him and continued to grieve for the miniscule bump on her poor Haldir's head, stroking his blond hair adoringly.
Beginning to feel nauseous at the sight, Legolas tried to tug Trina away from Haldir, but she resisted with the strength of a crazed fangirl. "Get—away," he panted angrily, wishing he were off battling Balrogs. "Leave—him—alone—you—" It was possibly the most frustrating situation of his life. He would have liked very much to curl up in the highest branches of the nearest tree and pretend that none of this was happening, but that was out of the question—how could he abandon Haldir in this time of direst need?
Unexpectedly, the cavalry arrived. "Shut up, Trina," snapped a voice to his right. Startled, Legolas turned to see Bethany pulling at the reluctant Trina's arm. "You heard the Elf—back away slowly and nobody gets hurt." He would have thought it impossible that such a gentle-looking person could have such a commanding tone, but it worked. Unwillingly, Trina got to her feet and moved back a few paces, casting sappily worried looks at Haldir all the time.
"There," Bethany said to Legolas with a satisfied nod. "You just have to show her who's boss. Works every time." Now that the urgency of the moment had passed, she was giving him wide-eyed looks that made the gorgeous blond hair on the back of his neck prickle. The phrase "out of the frying pan and into the fire" sprang to mind, and he wondered whether he had done himself a favor in escaping Liza after all.
Frodo had remained silent throughout the episode—he was trying to blend in with the surroundings. If he could just manage to hide in the bushes until his friends got rid of the girls, he might escape the notice of Morgan and Mindy, who had apparently formed a temporary alliance for the purpose of hunting him out and were now crashing their way around the clearing in hot pursuit—or, more accurately, in pursuit of hotness.
"FROOOOODOOOO!" Mindy called coaxingly, looking under dead leaves. "Where are you, my pwecious?" Frodo shuddered, but kept himself from squeaking in terror with an effort. It wouldn't do to give himself away now!
Morgan shouldered Mindy out of the way roughly. "Let me try," she growled. "After all, I'm the one he likes." Before Mindy could reply to this bit of egotism, Morgan had begun peering up into the branches of nearby trees, yelling, "Come out, Frodo! I won't hurt you." She held out her hands in front of her to show that she was unarmed. It worked for wild animals—why shouldn't it work for her beloved hobbit? "I promise I won't hurt you. I just want to go out with you, okay? Just one little date...or two...or three..."
"Hey!" Mindy protested indignantly. "We agreed that if we caught him I'd get half the dates!" However, Morgan seemed in no mood to honor deals of any kind. She was so close to getting Frodo for herself—no way was she going to let a solemn vow on her honor as a fangirl get in the way of that!
Why, she could already imagine eating dinner with Frodo. After the first five courses he would stop to come up for breath, and then he would look up at her across the table. And she would smile at him and have tenth helpings of everything, and he would think how much they had in common and how well they got along and how the candlelight sparkled on her braces...
Jerking out of her happy daydream, Morgan realized that in order to make it a reality she would have to find Frodo first. Hmm...if she were a hobbit trying desperately to find her while avoiding Mindy, where would she hide? Perhaps—yes! The very first place she would think of would be behind that bush right over there. Certain that her instincts were correct, Morgan bounced over to the shrub to find her one true love.
Frodo was just beginning to relax in his hiding place. Obviously, these two were much too busy arguing to find him anytime soon. Why, maybe he could sneak away now before they caught sight of him!
Wait. What was that? [Oh, no,] Frodo thought. [It can't be.] But it was—the humming was getting louder. Unmistakably...
"A-HA!" Morgan cried triumphantly, grabbing the startled Frodo's arm and hauling him out of the bushes, the twigs and bits of leaves stuck in his hair giving him an adorably rumpled look that was irresistible. "I've finally found you, Frodo dear!" Frodo dear squeaked a bit, but refused to give in to his weakness and beg for mercy. He was resigned to his fate and would face it like a true hobbit. A last meal would have been nice, though.
A gasp from the other side of the clearing told him without looking that Mindy was charging over, her normally good-natured face turning bright red with the force of her anger. "How dare you?" she spat at Morgan, who thrust Frodo behind her as if to protect him from a rabid animal. "I thought...I trusted you, you double-crosser!" Morgan merely grinned, apparently subscribing to the philosophy that as long as one got the hobbit, broken promises were of no account. She would deal with Mindy later. For now, all that mattered was that she had gotten Frodo before Mindy had...
Suddenly, the silence that had reigned while everyone else watched the battle over Frodo was broken by a small snort. All eyes turned toward the source of the sound, which had come from the edge of the clearing. A gasp of horror went up from those assembled as they realized that there could, indeed, be something worse than warring fangirls.
Mona had risen again.
Will Frodo ever escape from his captors? Why doesn't Ashlin just read the books so she knows what's going on? And just who was responsible for the interspatial hypertemporal transreality wormhole in the first place, anyway? Tune in next time for the answers to these questions!
So another chapter concludes. I've gotten plenty of nice reviews, but not one person has guessed who I am in the story! Just humor me, please. I know it's probably painfully obvious, but just guess anyway so I'll stop bugging you. Anyway, this author's note is uncommonly short because I need to post this before I run out of time to watch "Fawlty Towers" with the family, so see you next time on your favorite story! *coughYEAHRIGHTcoughcough*