Disclaimer: It's lucky for me that J.R.R. Tolkien's dead, because he'd kill me if he ever found out what I've done to his characters.
A/N: Actually, I'm very sad that Tolkien's dead—why is it that so many of the sci-fi/fantasy authors I like are dead? Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, Roger Zelazny...in fact, most of the authors I've ever considered writing to. It's simply tragic. Weep weep sob sob woe woe, as my friend A always says. For more sayings of A, who is a character in this story, please request specifically and I will send you, free of charge, a copy of "I am Right and You are Wrong Like Always: The Supreme Wisdom of A Nonymous". Oh boy, she's gonna kill me for this one...
edgy wedgy: Frodo is not quite middle-aged, actually. But he is on the brink of death, courtesy of Mindy and Morgan, our resident hobbit fanatics. Actually, I believe he's still on the old edge of young in the books (only fifty! Just imagine how young and handsome he is). However, he somehow manages to look roughly eighteen. Hmm...I wonder how he does that. No, he really doesn't need more screaming fangirls. Poor Gimli. Oh well, he always has Karolyn.
Greeneyes616: Thanks! I do enjoy writing it. Perhaps more than I should…
Siri: Yeah, I think the first chapter is my favorite too. The wormhole thing always cracks me up. Maybe that's a sign of insanity, when your own writing cracks you up.
Das Blume: Thank you. Twisted is my middle name. Princess Twisted Eilonwy. Has a ring to it, doesn't it?
Ebony Quill: O greatest of reviewers!...Sorry, I've always wanted to start a response with something like that. Yes, you are in fact the first person to even try to guess who I am. And no, you are not in fact correct. Close, though...I figured Liza would be a strong candidate. Try, try again!...And I realize I haven't yet said who Ashlin likes—that's because, as far as I know, she knows absolutely nothing about Lord of the Rings and doesn't really care. And, of course, Karolyn thought she hated it—that is, until she found Gimli. Oh gosh, she would really kill me if she read Lord of the Rings fanfiction.
And now, another exciting episode in the inane adventures of your favorite not-quite-normal teenage girls! Join them as they battle with horror after endless horror:
"No," Morgan whispered, loosening her grip on Frodo's arm slightly. Frodo would have seized this opportunity to slip away, but he was too busy staring as Mona the Evil yawned, totally oblivious to the frightened regard of everyone else within twenty feet. Several amazingly long yawns were followed by an attempt to stretch—
"Hey, what is this?" Mona asked in a somewhat groggy voice. "What happened? Why can't I move?" Legolas winced, knowing that he would probably regret it immensely if she ever found out exactly who was responsible for her being tied up. And all his bowstrings gone, too...It really wasn't fair.
Liza and Bethany gave each other somewhat exasperated looks. "Well, yes, Mona," Liza said in her best talking-to-four-year-olds voice. "You see, we all felt it would be best if you were, how shall I say..."
"Silenced," Bethany put in helpfully, casting an admiring look at Legolas that made his blood run cold. "So—" She shrugged matter-of-factly. "There we are. And if you think about it, really it's a good thing for everyone concerned, isn't it? I mean, we love your singing, you know that, but at some point one needs a rest to properly appreciate music. And I'm sure you caught up on some long-needed rest." She smiled angelically.
Mona gave her a dirty look and tried to sit up. "Right," she said sarcastically. "And I suppose while I've been...er, silenced...you've been busy romancing Leggy-las, haven't you?" Bethany and Liza's guilty looks revealed the answer all too well.
"Thought so," Mona said smugly. She abruptly turned and stared at Ashlin, who returned the stare and edged a little further away. "And what have you been up to?" she asked. "Reinterpreting the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy with disgusting meanings?" Ashlin blushed a little and almost grinned, but remained silent.
"Oh, Ashlin's been hiding from everyone," Mindy said a little absently, staring intently at Frodo. Apparently, she had noticed Morgan's lapse of attention and was already plotting some sort of scheme deep in the depths of her little Frodo-obsessed brain.
[That should be a disease,] Ashlin thought. [Frodo obsession. "What's wrong with me, doctor?" "Oh, I believe you just have a little case of Frodo obsession. There are medicines that can help."] This train of thought was very similar to those that had occupied Ashlin since her crazy friends had dragged her into this whole Middle-earth thing or whatever it was called. Middle-earth, Hogwarts, something like that...
Ashlin's thoughts were interrupted by the third brewing fight of the day—or was it the thirtieth? She had lost count sometime after diving behind a rock for cover...Let's see, first Mindy and Morgan, then Bethany and Liza—no, wait, that one wasn't over yet—and now Mona and everybody else. Admittedly it didn't seem to pose as much danger as the other fights, since Mona was still immobile for the most part, but still...she wasn't really sure whether the situation could get any nastier, but she was sure it would if possible.
"Okay, you've had your fun. You got back at me for proofreading your story, Liza. You got me good, I admit it. Now kindly UNTIE ME!" Mona demanded, starting to get red in the face. Liza turned away, studying the oh-so-fascinating trees of Fangorn Forest and whistling something subtly annoying from their band music.
Mona glared at her back. "Fine," she muttered. "I'll starve and die, surrounded by my best friends who wouldn't lift a finger to save me. See if I care." Liza apparently didn't think this merited a reply. Or, Legolas thought, maybe she just had the attention span of a five-year-old—it was difficult to tell.
After more dire threats, insults, and jibes about certain hot blond Elves, Mona fell silent. An ominous silence, laced with the promise of more hysterical screaming to come as soon as she had gotten her breath and thought of more maddeningly witty things to say.
At about this point, Legolas made a mistake that he would regret for the rest of his life—or at least for the next month or so.
He began to feel guilty.
Sidling over to Aragorn and trying to avoid Bethany's adoring gaze, he asked in an undertone, "Don't you think we ought to untie her?"
"Her?" Aragorn asked, his face registering blank confusion. "Ohhh, you mean her." He nodded toward the sullen Mona, who still had half the clearing to herself. "No, I really don't think that would be a good idea."
"But I feel kind of bad for her," Legolas said, craning his graceful, swanlike neck to see her better. He noted with some concern that no death threats concerning her friends had been heard for some time. Perhaps she was starving after all, perishing from sheer loneliness like a flower wilting in the midst of thorns.
Aragorn snorted. "After that...that singing?" he asked, a slight note of irrepressible fear making itself heard at the word "singing". Obviously, he had been emotionally scarred by Mona's earlier performance.
"Well," Legolas said reasonably, "we all have our moments. And with friends like them—" He nodded toward the group as a whole, who were now gathered in a huddle, one of the girls occasionally turning around to glance furtively at one true love or another before plotting resumed. "Who can blame her for wanting to escape from it all by numbing her mind with Tom Bombadil?"
Before Aragorn could answer, Legolas decided that he had made up his mind. For once, he was going to do the right thing no matter what any of his companions said. "I'm going to go untie her," he said determinedly to Aragorn, stalking off toward the other end of the clearing.
It took Liza only a minute or two to realize what her beloved Leggylas was doing. Her first clue came when he headed over to Mona's side—how dare he? She was the one he should be paying attention to, not Mona, the most annoying proofreader she had ever met. The only consolation was that he was also utterly ignoring Bethany, who looked no happier than she.
Well, she thought with satisfaction, at least they were even. If she couldn't have her Elfie-poo, neither could Bethany.
Even this meager wisp of contentment evaporated entirely when Legolas bent down and began working at the knots he had so skillfully tied less than an hour before. As Liza knew only too well, those knots were the only things that stood between her and certain death, undoubtedly slow and painful as well.
"No!" she cried, launching herself at Legolas. What did he think he was doing? Surely he wouldn't be so stupid as to try to get her killed...
Legolas gritted his teeth and ignored Liza, who was waving her arms and trying to get his attention. He was doing what was right and he wasn't going to let any fangirls get to him if it was the last thing he did. Funny...it seemed that whenever he heard anyone use that phrase, disaster followed. Oh, well...
"At last," he muttered, finally getting the troublesome knot undone. "What was I thinking?"
"I don't know," said Mona sweetly, "but I'm glad you've come to your senses at last." Was it his imagination, or was she batting her eyelashes at him? No, it was his imagination. It had to be.
Liza's mouth was hanging open, her eyes slightly unfocused as she stared at Legolas. "But...but," she whimpered. "I trusted you! I thought you loved me!" Legolas paled and drew away in horror.
Mona snorted. "Come on, Liza. Legolas is a fictional character. Did you honestly think he would fall for you?"
"Yeah?" Liza said defiantly. "Well, what about what's-his-face, Farmer?"
"Faramir," Mona corrected, blushing more than a little. "And shut up. I do not like him." She returned to gazing a little dreamily at Legolas, who was getting more and more unnerved by this psychotic girl. It almost looked as though she was trying to flirt with him...
"I thank you, kind sir Elf, for rescuing me from such a predicament," she said in what was obviously an attempt at a lilting, musical voice. "If it had not been for your nimble elven fingers, I know not whether I would have survived." She held out her hand, and it took Legolas a minute to realize that she was waiting for him to help her up. He decided to pretend he hadn't noticed, and she withdrew her hand after a few seconds, looking rather disappointed.
"If there is ever any way, however humble, in which I may repay your great kindness," she went on, still smiling at him, "simply ask and I shall be delighted to aid you in any way possible."
[I bet,] Legolas thought. She was really laying it on thick now. "Kind sir Elf"? [Methinks the lady doth flirt too much,] Legolas observed ruefully to himself. Would they ever leave him alone? It really wasn't his fault that he was the most handsome person in Middle-earth...
At this point, Legolas was mercifully distracted by something completely different and, under most circumstances, unwelcome. However, at this point any reprieve from his admirers was sheer heaven.
Even if it involved Ashlin quietly being sick in the bushes at the far end of the clearing.
Glad for any excuse to leave Mona and Liza, Legolas hurried over to her. "What is wrong?" he asked, supporting her elbow.
She shook her head, turning bright red. "I'm sorry," she said hoarsely. "I...I just couldn't stand it...any longer. Too much romantic involvement with book characters..." Turning away from him, she vomited again.
Legolas wrinkled his nose slightly, trying to ignore the odor his delicate elven nostrils were assaulted with. "It's all right," he said comfortingly, patting Ashlin on the back. "It's just a phase. They'll get over it eventually, I'm sure." [I hope...]
Ashlin sniffled a little and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, making a face. "Sorry about that. I just...it's just so hard. You know Mindy and all of them are my friends, but when they go all goo-goo over fictional characters I draw the line." Legolas nodded in sympathy, wondering why Ashlin's friends didn't have her sense. Why had he never noticed her before? Her red hair stood out in sharp contrast to the others, all blondes and brunettes. He had always liked red hair...
[No,] Legolas thought in horror. [I am not thinking this about a teenage girl.] What was wrong with him? Was he actually thinking about how nice Ashlin's hair was? Perhaps these sick girls were having an effect on him after all.
With a sigh, Legolas tried to shake such thoughts from his mind. He said something politely understanding to Ashlin and excused himself, barely aware of what he was doing. All he knew was that he had to talk to Aragorn before it was too late.
What will happen next? Why is Ashlin's red hair so irresistible? Is there something to this Mary Sue business after all? Tune in next time to find out!
A/N: I'm glad Ashlin isn't reading this. Let me just say that wholeheartedly, because she might very possibly kill me for this one. Or she might look at a picture of Orlando Bloom and then thank me...hard to tell. Anyway, I am definitely having fun. What other chance will I get to insult myself and my friends with impunity? Not that I like to insult my friends, but it is fun to be mean to myself in this story. If that gives you a clue as to who I am, please don't hesitate to guess. Hopefully I'll be able to update soon!