Title: The Evil Chapter: Chappie 3, Voldie gets spork'd Rated: Pg-13, just incase the inevitable happens. Warnings: Language, violence, character bashing, insinuations of...stuff, self insertion, and all sorts of stuff, sooner or later. Lots of mentions and tie-ins of non-HP things. Possible future slash. Disclaimer: "Like, throw me a frickin' bone here." If I owned Harry Potter, no one would have read it. We don't own Harry Potter or most of the other crap that will eventually show up in here, either. If you sue us, all you'll get is me trying (in vain) to sing the "Mr. Rogers" song from "Life is Peachy" by KoRn. Scary. An extremely nervous cameraman zooms in on two impatient teenage girls sitting in a dark corner in a busy Subway's, trying to look mysterious. Beeb( The anorexic-looking one who's never seen daylight): ( Checks watch) Bastard's late. Where the heck is he? We have a time limit, ya know! Marie (She-Who-Twitches-Profusely): No we don't. I need coffee. Beeb: (Mutters darkly) Waiter! Over here! Waiter: (Lurches over looking distracted) Whadda ya want? We're kinda busy. (Scratches a big pimple on his nose.) Marie: I want some coffee. Please. And I would like some coffee. And also some coffee. Now is better than later. Waiter: Sorry, the fat guy at table 3 has dibs on what's left. Marie: I don't CARE who has dibs on the last bit of coffee! It's mine not his, now give me my damn coffee! NOW!!! Before I beat the SHIT out of you! (innocently) Please. Waiter: (looks at Marie warily) Right....Security! Marie: Avada Kedavra! Waiter: (Falls over.) Marie: Heeheehee.. ( Tiptoes up to the fat guy at table 3 and taps him on the shoulder.) Fat Guy at Table 3: Yes? (mumbled through a mouthful of scrambled eggs.) Marie: Avada Kedavra! Fat Guy at Table 3: ( also falls over, causing earthquake-like tremors which in turn cause moderate destruction throughout the restaurant which also causes most of the ignorant muggles to run away screaming about the Apocalypse.) Marie: (calmly pours herself a cup of coffee and walks back to the table, oblivious to the crumbling walls and numerous corpses.) Beeb: (looks at her blankly) Ya know, I think your medication is helping. Marie: Yummy! Voldemort: (walks in, his cloak swirling impressively. He looks around at the destruction, mildly surprised.) Hey, what's with all the stiffs? I haven't been here yet! Marie: Coffee. Beeb: They're hers. Marie: Yummy. Voldemort: I don't want to know. (clears his throat) Well, fellow followers of Darkness, I commend you on this vulgar display of Evil. In time, you may possibly gain such power as to strike terror in the hearts of all, such as I have done. However, if that is to happen, keep in mind that I am the great and mighty Lord Voldemort, and all shall bow before me and beg my mercy. Now join my Legion of Darkness or die! Marie: Will there be coffee involved? Voldemort: How else do we stay up all night thinking up our devious schemes? Marie: (slaps the table with her hand) Boo-yeah! I'm in! Yay for coffee! Beeb, how about you? Beeb: And you expected less? Besides, what's an Evil organization without an Evil super-genius such as myself? Marie: I wouldn't know, now would I? Beeb: Naw, you wouldn't.( kinda the way Lestat says it on The Queen of the Damned when that dude brings in those chics for his "breakfast". The book was good, the sound track was sorta okay, and would have been better if Jonathon Davis actually sang on it, but the movie more or less blew. ) Soooooo-ooo. Are we gonna interview or what?( rubs hands together mischievously) Marie: I don't know, are we? Beeb: Yes, we are. Marie: (whips out her handy-dandy li'l notebook, puts down her coffee cup, and adopts a serious-looking expression.) Beeb: Ahem. So, what are we supposed to call you? Voldemort: Well, as I'm sure you know, I have many, many names. My birth- name is Tom Marvolo Riddle. In childhood I had many loving nicknames such as brat, midget, scrotum-licker, and Marvolo Retardo. In my pursuit of power I dubbed myself Lord Voldemort, but due to the terror commonly associated with the name, most call me by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, The Dark Lord, and a number of other such titles. I believe that near the end of Book 5, that Fudge character called me Lord Thingy. But I would appreciate it if you didn't. Beeb: O-kay. Can we call you Voldie-Poo? Voldemort (maybe Voldie-Poo): No. Beeb: Okay Voldie-Poo! Voldie-Poo: (sighs) Marie (who has finished her coffee): Voldie-Poo, where's the coffee? Voldie-Poo: (sweat-drops, mutters, and materializes a pot of coffee in front of her.) Marie: Yahoo! Coffee coffee coffee! (drinks it all in one sitting and starts twitching.) Beeb: Right, continuing! So how old are you? Voldie-Poo: 66. I think. Beeb: Well, a bit more believable than Ollivander, eh? Marie: HaHaHaHa! You're so funny! HaHaHaHa! Voldie-Poo: (incredulous look) Righ..t. (think Dr. Evil..Sorry, I just watched Austin Powers. Great movie.) Beeb: What's you're favorite food? Voldie-Poo: Sushi. Marie: Eeeew! Voldie-Poo: Oh, shut up. Marie: Noooooooooooooo! You can't make me! Beeb: (murmurs from side of mouth) Mr. Coffee.. Marie: (gulps) right..okay..um..yum! Sushi! Beeb: (sighs) Feelings towards same-sex relationships? Voldie-Poo: oh.um.er.well, you see.uh.confidentially speaking.ah.YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO?!? LIES, ALL LIES I TELL YOU, LIES! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING! SEVERUS WAS DRUNK AND I WAS UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE, I SWEAR! Marie: Sure.(whispers) coffee. Voldie-Poo: Frickin' homophobes! Beeb: Hey, who you callin' a homophobe? If ya don't sit down and shut up, I'll spork ya! Voldie-Poo: (wondering if he heard correctly) You'll.spork me? What the hell? Beeb: (pulls out spork) Bwahahaha! Yes, I'll spork your ass! I took lessons from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and I could disembowel you in 2 seconds flat with this baby! Voldie-Poo(who has read the comics): (backs away nervously) Beeb:( brandishes her spork) Sit! Voldie-Poo: (sits) Beeb: Good boy! (gives him a doggy biscuit) Voldie-Poo: (sighs in defeat and takes a bite) Marie: Hurray for our team, hurray hurray! Voldie-Poo: (turns paler than he normally is and his eyes start to bulge) Blegh.what is.this.No! Its milk flavored! Poison! Mutiny! Death! NOOOOOO!!!(begins to melt) Beeb: Dude.(where's my car? Wha? Hey! Stop it! WHY is it always tomatoes?) Voldie-Poo: (is quickly becoming a puddle of goo) I'm melting, I'm melting! Oh, what a world, what a world.. Marie: Sweet! Voldie-Poo-the-Puddle-of -Goo :(Hey, that rhymes! Huh? Stop it! Ack! My spleen!) *blurp* Beeb: Well, that was. different.(puts away spork) Marie: Yeah.(twitches) Beeb: .. Marie: .. Beeb: Er. Maybe we should ..you know..go? Marie: We probably should. Coffee. Both: (walk out of the restaurant lamely) End! (A/N) Beeb:(is sitting on the floor with her back against the closet door, casually gnawing on a padlock) Howdy-doo, friends 'n neighbors! Just to let ya all know, MARIE is going to do this whether she likes it or not. But as she's preoccupied at the moment, I'll say a couple things first. First off, we've gotten really pathetic numbers (cough:none:cough) of reviews, so we're basically posting this out of boredom and the goodness of our hearts.(snort, snicker).But please, please I beg of you *please* review! (clears throat) Also, if you did review (which you didn't) , a thousand thank-yous to you, my friend! Also, if you have an under-average vocabulary, the "homophobe" comment was not against gays, but against the anti-gays, so if you're gay, you have no need to flame me over that. Actually, if you did flame me it would be kinda nice, I need a good laugh now and then. And as for you Voldie-Poo fans, don't worry; he'll be back as soon as he gets his allergy medicine. (heheh. allergic to milk... What? It could happen. Not very likely though..) Just keep in mind, this is all done out of fun. Marie, take over! Marie: (is crouched in the back corner of the closet with a death grip on her blow-torch.) It broke! My frickin' pencil broke! Oh, well. I'm going to be shocked. Woo-hoo! Scary, ain't it? Shock therapy. Yay! Beeb (who is now wearing a white lab coat which, when coupled with her spectacles and frizzy hair, pulled off the Mad-Scientist look quite well) Electrocution! Nyahahahaha! (She wires Marie up with electrodes and turns her Jolt-Master 2000 up full blast). Marie: Guess what? I'm out of the closet! Yay! Beeb: (face-vaults, wondering if anyone else might have caught the possible double meaning of that statement). Heheh..I finally chewed through all them damned padlocks. I have strong teeth! Marie: Shock me shock me! Now! Beeb: Later. (note to the audience: this is not only pointless, but it sounds kinky, too!) Marie: Damnit. This is all actually happening at Beeb's apartment as we speak. (Well, it's not really her apartment, it's her mommy's.) Beeb: Leave my mommy outta this! Marie: (this is our actual conversation) Shock me now, please. Beeb: (muttered) Whoa, down boy! (clears throat) Marie: I'm not a boy! Beeb: (wiggles eyebrows) Who said I was talking to *you*? Hey, stop eating my hair! Marie: It's not my fault. The fan's blowing it into my mouth. So as you can see, it's not my fault, but the fan's fault. COFFEE! It's going in my nose now. You might want to wash it tonight. Beeb: Yeah, but seeing as I'm poor and it was your nose, you're paying for the shampoo. Both: (consider their less-than-bloated pocketbooks.hell, they don't even have pocketbooks!) Marie: I want a pocketbook! NOW! Coffee! Beeb: Wait till Christmas. Yeah.er, this is getting kinda long; the cameraman is falling asleep. Cameraman: (jerks up) Huh.who.what.when.where.why.how.? Are y'all done yet? I have a date at the gay bar. Guy-in-High-Heels-With-Lotsa-Make-Up: (walks up and puts an arm around the cameraman's waist) Hey baby-cakes, if you don't hurry up we'll, like, so miss the male strippers! Cameraman: I'm sorry baby, I just need a new job. These *women* are crazy! Marie: Hey, I resemble that remark! (then, in a sing-song voice ) co~ffee.! Cameraman and "Girlfriend": (frolick off in some random direction giggling girlishly.) END! ( and this time I mean it damnit!) Marie: (singing) Green Acres is the place to be. Farm livin' is the life for- Beeb: MARIE! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! Marie: (also musically) Coming! End! For now anyways.