Author's notes: This is fun! If it seems very anime-ish, Adult Swim is on (Trigun, yeah! But Lupin III? What IS that?). If the wizard is too Dresden, too bad. All puns are intentional.

Obligatory note: I don't own the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, filker and punster. Tolkien owns the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them.

~@~

"Delphine, this can't be one of the Blue Wizards!"

"Why not, he is dressed in blue, he recognized the word 'Istar' and he recognized us for what we are without running away screaming," Delphine the Black said as she paid the barkeep for the rather large bar bill.

"For what we are? Do you mean a cute couple?" Varicose asked, thinking himself suave. Thinking was never anything he did well, he remembered, as he found himself flung to the floor in an easy wrestling move.

"No, blonde, handsome and witless, as an elf and shield maiden, A MAIDEN, GOT IT?" Delphine screamed in his ear.

"Got it," he replied meekly, but with a grin.

"What are you grinning at, cat?" she asked disdainfully as she made her way to the door.

"You said 'handsome'. Admit it Delphine, you like me."

"I said nothing more than the truth; your race was made to be immortal and impossibly lovely. Too bad you got a double dose of impossible and only half a dose of lovely. Now come on, we need that wizard."

Varicose followed the superb woman out the door and into the streets of the village. Delphine, I will show you. Arwen and Aragorn are not the only ones who can find love. Varicose has found his as well, and you, dear lady, are it.

~@~

Delphine and Varicose went out into the street and saw the blue shrouded wizard waiting for them. "It's paid Istar, now may I speak with you?"

"Of course, I'm a man of my word, but please stop with the Istar business. You already have my attention and there are too many reasons to stare at you, let's not give the natives more reasons to be nervy of me."

"Very well, wizard, by what may we call you?" the elf asked.

"I have many names, but there are those who call me Biff."

"Biff?" the elf asked, wrinkling his nose.

"Yes, Biff, and what shall I call you two."

"I am Delphine, the Black," the shield-maiden started.

"Lovely to meet you, lady of the West," Biff bowed, thinking it better not to kiss her hand. He was rather attached to most of his body.

"And I am Varicose, of the forests of the Lady Galadriel, grand-nephew of Elrond, child of Ilúvatar, called the Silver Beau, called Warrior of the Great Battle of Sauron and Sarumann, called the Golden Piercer, sworn guide and protector of the children of Faramir and Eowyn. " The elf said importantly.

"Don't you need to take a breath or something, Varicose the Vain," Biff asked. Varicose became livid at the sound of his childhood nickname. He couldn't help it if he had always been the pretty one; it was his curse as well as his blessing.

"Well, Wizard Biff, what wit? Why don't we test it against my axe?"

"Ah, but then you'd get my blood all over your nice, clean clothes."

The elf smirked, "I am more than used to getting the blood of inferiors out of my tunics." There was a sound of metal scraping against metal. It seemed Delphine had had enough. She had drawn both her swords and one pointed at each of them.

"As shield-maiden of Rohan, daughter of Eowyn and Faramir I demand that you both shut up so we can get down to business." Varicose and Biff exchanged glances. "Well?"

"Lady, I will if he will," Biff said.

"Varicose?" the elf kept his eyes on Biff and nodded. "Good, now then wizard Biff.."

"Hold on, how do we know he's one of the Ithryn Luin I mean, we need more proof than a scrap of blue cloth and a word. Come on, wizard, give us proof you are really one of the five."

"Would it help if I gave you my name as Maia, or would lesser sons of the Valar not have that sort of knowledge?"

"I am more that privilege to that, wizard, what was your name?"

Biff looked uncorfortable. He had spent a lot of time trying to forget his old self, not that he had had more luck as Biff. "My name, before the Valar I guess you'd say blessed me, was Alatar."

The elf's jaw almost dropped, as it was he was dumbstruck. Alatar, the missing Istari, He, Varicose, had found one of the Ithryn Luin. That was a new title to add to his name.

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Eleventy-seven hundred points to the people who catch all the puns so far.

3 more if you can name all the things I've paid homage to. (AHH ending preposition! That is something up with it I will not put.) Diolch and da boch chi!