That thing I have to put because someone forgot to read the name of this site and realize that fan fiction writers own nothing. Not even a real life: I don't own the characters or the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, filker and punster. Tolkien owns the idea of the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them.
Author's notes: Warning, Incorrigible Punster, Do Not Incorrige.
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The Wizard Biff shifted his weight while he waited for Delphine and Varicose to get over the news. Also he'd been sober for too long, well, it seems like minutes now. I do wish one of them would faint or something, I thought they had recognized me for what I was. Why such drama just because they're right? Then Biff remember that these were people from the West and, what he remembered of those folks, was heavy in dramatics but so light in the head he always wondered how they had stayed on the ground. He decided to break the 4th trimester pause, "Are we through yet? I had a perfectly good bottle of bourbon waiting for me in there, so if there's nothing more than my identity to talk about, I'll go back to nursing the poor dab."
Delphine recovered, "Yes, but how will you pay?"
Biff grinned, "Well, unless another western front of gold pulls in I'm back to giving orc and balrog charms."
"What if I told you that I had a job that would bring your name such glory, only Gandalf the white would outshine your name. Your simple deed with us could make you THE wizard of the east."
"I'd saw you have no idea what truly interests a wizard. As it happens we are not total glory hounds and we've been around long enough to see that glorious deeds lead only to glorious funerals. You really don't know your wizards, do you? Listen, I don't know who this 'Gandalf the white' character is but the graybeard I know would circumnavigate entire mountain chains no matter what 'glory' could be found within if it meant avoiding death for another day."
"But-but listen to Delphine! This job could make you a legend!" Varicose suddenly sprang to life.
Biff simply indicated his blue robes, "Been there, done that, or do you remember blanking out at my mere name?" Varicose turned many colors; Biff thought it reminded him of a few fruity drinks that had come up one morning.
"Please, sir wizard, we need your help," Delphine looked at him, and the look was almost enough to stop all complaint. In most cases Biff would have dropped everything and gone ahead with whatever she wanted and just hope for proper recompense. However, Biff had spent many a blue night with such hopes. Plus when you are trying to win over a lady dressed in leather, soft spots aren't worth much. Still, she did look rather sweet. He sighed.
"What's the job?"
~@~
Varicose liked this wizard fellow less and less with every second. If it wasn't enough that Biff was trying to steal his, Varicose's lady love, oh no. He was not even being a proper wizard. All that spouted nonsense about how wizard's shunned glory. Please. Sauron had wanted glory and power beyond all sanity, of course now he was nothing more than a beggar on the roadside somewhere, but Varicose would bet his favorite axe that he still dreamed of thwarted glory. And Gandalf, well, perhaps now he was beyond such things (going off on that ship and all), but Varicose was dead sure that Gandalf had achieved more glory than almost anyone in Middle Earth. Varicose wished he had his axe. Or a sharp stone. Or a stick. Hell, even a stout butter knife, at this point, anything to put a dent in the man's head would have done. Really, for an elf, Varicose was just too bloody. That was the reason he was on this little expedition, to get him a little more sedate. Well, he thought as he looked at Delphine's lovely shape as she threw herself into the wizard's path., one reason.
"Wizard Biff, we have been charged by some people to go out and despense of a small problem."
"What she means is that we have tried many times to overcome this thing and it can't be beat." Varicose interrupted.
"You awful elf! Listen, if a bumbling, third rate hobbit can kill one, so can we!"
"Delphine, Bilbo had luck, fate, and dwarves on his side. Oh yeah! And an EVIL RING OF INVISIBILITY that had a real good sense of self preservation!! We don't need this fool, let's just find a new quest, we can go hunt for the other Ithryn Luin,perhaps he has a more useful power than an immortal liver."
"You are forgetting one thing that Biblo had."
"What, a magic sword. Sorry, guess it slipped my mind."
"No, Varicose, a wizard. We need this man..hey, were did he go?" Yes, that's right. Like most people, Biff had taken the opportunity to leave. It is well known that wizards have a good sense of self preservation and being bored to death was one fate Biff was anxious to avoid.
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Ehhh, not as good. Next chapter will be better.
Diolch and da boch chi!