You know what it is: I don't own the characters or the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, filker and punster. Tolkien owns the idea of the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them.
Author's notes: So many people have read this story, thanks! I'd like to thank especially Christine for spending the time to sign in and correct my Tolkien-ese.
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"Damn," Delphine ran off.
"Delphine, where are we going?"
"Where else would a drunken wizard be?" She yelled back as she raced into Y Llychlyd Tafarn. There she found her hopes for the mission flat on his back surrounded by bottles of varying sizes. The barkeep handed her an extensive list and grimly she forked over more gold. She was about to sit down and wait for his mental return when her eyes gleamed. "Varicose, go back to the campsite, quickly, and bring a rope, and my horse." She had come this far and one thing to be said for Delphine (Rohan's Cutest Maiden Protector, ten years running) and that's that she always got her man. Wizard. Whichever.
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It was several hours later that Biff awoke, for the second time that day. Somehow he knew something was wrong, yet it was so familiar. It was black, yet he was almost certain his eyes were open. He tried to move his hands to his face and found that he couldn't. Ok, assess. I can't see and I can't move. One of two things is possible, I'm either dead, in a tiny box 6 feet under the Earth and someone forgot to tell me that I can leave, or someone thought it was good idea to try and tie-up a wizard. Biff started to call a small amount of power to his hands, just enough. Soon the ropes around him were sizzling and smoking.
"Lady!" a gruff voice shouted a warning and soon the wizard was a soaking mess.
"Delphine, bring the sodden sot here!" a familiar voice called. The bundle of Biff was roughly passed from Delphine to Varicose, held the package as another person started trying to start a fire. Varicose dumped the wizard wrap to "help" but got more enjoyment out of the startled "Oof!" than any mentally healthy person should. Biff pulled Delphine's cloak from his head.
"Don't bother," he told the two standing by a load of wood. Already angry, and not caring if he burned something this time (especially since a blistered Vain was much more appealing than scorched shield maid) Biff easily called fire to his robes and dried them quickly, he then sent the heat into the very heart of the logs, sending them blazing in a matter of seconds. Then he calmly turned to a now dismounted Delphine, looked her square in the eye and asked, quite sanely, "WHAT THE HELL!?!?!"
Biff had to hand it to her, she didn't look or sound ashamed, she calmly looked him straight in the eye and said simply, "We need you."
Biff sighed and took a seat by the fire. "Fine, but before you give me some lengthy tirade about whatever the hell you're fighting and start talking about people I don't know in situations I don't care about, will you answer me one thing?"
"Seems a reasonable request."
"Who the hell is that?" Biff asked pointing to a small stump that, upon closer inspection, proved to be a dwarf.
"The name is Bristol, sir wizard." The bearded on said.
"Glad to know you, call me Biff. What brings you away from your clan, caves and trade."
"Well, it's become a bit of tradition in my clan to go out and adventure a bit, problem is there isn't much adventure someone in my clan hasn't done."
"So you're going to go out and adventure things that have never been adventured before?"
"Nah. I thought about, but I said to myself, 'Bristol, you need to scale it down a bit.' Then I decided that instead I'd emulate one of the more profitable adventures. So when I heard these two were off, I, uh, volunteered to help."
"You lying little troll; you followed us, hoping to take what we earned." Varicose sneered.
"Nothing but a bit of benevolent burglary, you elves are much too moral and high and mighty to need all that gold. I was just skipping the middle man, giving it straight to the needy."
"Bristol, I think I like you. Please, you explain what daft adventure this trio is on so I can laugh in Varicose's face, give Delphine a proper goodbye and make like a nose and run."
"You haven't told him yet? I thought you said you just passed out when you told him." Bristol said accusingly to the elf.
"You didn't need to know, dwarf; just tell him so he can leave already." Varicose had taken out a rather large axe and was sharpening it, trying to look as menacing as possible.
"Bother elves. It's very simple Biff. We heard about a rather large dragon that was bothering some village out here. They have offered a goodly sum to the fellow with the mettle to kill the thing plus have said that him that kills it gets the goods."
"What, a lifetime supply of dragon's liver?" Biff turned to Varicose and Delphine, "You two really have no idea what a wizard wants, do you? Glory honor and dragon's parts? No thank you. Now, Delphine, come kiss me good bye and I'll be off."
Delphine's eyes flashed, she approached Biff and gave him her best left hook. For the third time that day Biff found himself encased in darkness. Bristol propped the wizard up on a fallen log and wadded up Delphine's still wet cloak to put on Biff's head.
Varicose bent over the wizard, "It served him right. Really, trying such a cheap trick on Delphine. Trust me, it's a lot harder than that" he said, his hand moved to touch his own eye, remembering his first time trying to grab the attentions of the girl. And the second, he thought as his hand moved to the other eye, and the third, he started tearing as his hand went to his nose, the fourth, in her father's castle. His hand went to his shoulder, I told her without her I might throw myself off the battlements of despair. She told me that she'd save me the trouble and threw me off the battlements. If you don't hurt you don't love, my dear Delphine. For you, I am a masochist. He let silent tears fall, though whether Vain was leaking from nostalgia or the axe blade cutting into his thumb was for only him to know.
"Well, Biff, no matter what else, I'll give you this, it was a good try." Bristol told the oblivious magician.
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Diolch and da boch chi!