ff.net isn't fond of being sued so: I don't own the characters or the basic plot, that's Tom Smith, fastest filker and true pun pundit (tomsmithonline.com for details). Tolkien owns the idea of the characters, except, of course, for Gordon Dickson's Dorsai Irregulars. They belong to anyone with the money to pay them.
Author's notes: Poor Eddie Izzard, up against a legend and lost and then his play lost because, apparently, it was a G.L.A.D. convention at the Tony's this year. But, as my oh-so P.C. friend pointed out, isn't every year?
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Biff was out for most of the night. Delphine, being the girl she was, used the opportunity to get the team that much closer to the town without having an amorous, forward and slightly pissed off wizard lucid. Of course this time she left the toting to Bristol. Delphine may have been brave, daring, and dangerous, but not even Her Majesty's finest goes around juggling nitro-glycerin, because, let's face it, when your brave, daring and dangerous, you live longer with your wits not just about you, but cocooned to your body and then wrapped in several layers of cellophane, foil, bubble wrap and leather. But again, this has nothing to do with the tale, this is merely wit dressing.
When they reached the town Varicose and Delphine left Bristol to find their lodgings while they sought out the town mayor. Bristol found a place easily enough, gladly stable-handed the horses over and tool the baggage, including his Biff bag, and ordered a large bottle of bourbon to celebrate the return of Biff's consciousness. It had to come back sooner or later.
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"I can't believe that prig," Varicose yelled as he followed Delphine out into the streets. "Imagine, taking a third of our fee just because his someone was attacked before we could kill the dragon."
"Varicose, it was his only daughter, and we had promised to take care of the dragon soon. Our line was 'we shall take care of it before one more life is lost to the terror' and I do believe YOU were the one to make such a promise. We should have stuck to my plan." Delphine was, and there were very few other words for it, furious.
"What, just gone in, killed it and asked for the reward after? Come off it Delphine, half the fee you get pays for the dramatics. If we hadn't given them a show they would have only given us a paltry sum, or worse, they would have wanted us pro bono."
"Or lavished us in thanks. Instead YOU had to set a price and now it's even less." Delphine quickened her pace in a huff.
"At least we have the horde, of course now we're going to have to split that into fourths." Varicose spit, "Delphine, dear, really, couldn't we?"
"No, Varicose, don't you dare start!" Delphine whipped around. "You, for all your prejudice, let the dwarf come along. 'Manual labor' you said. 'Proof of our deeds' you begged. 'Besides, dwarfs can't count too high with their boots on. We'll just give him some bits of shiny.' And what did we get? Huh? A greedy little ankle biter." Varicose opened his mouth to protest, but Delphine silenced him. "Oh, I'll admit he has come in handy. He has kept countless enemies off our tail, has pulled more than his considerable weight, but do you see, Varicose." Varicose started to retreat, but Delphine kept right on coming. "This is supposed to be my quest, my great deed, my fame and fortune, and yet you let the dwarf come along, you set the price to the mayor, you came up with the bright ideas of shooting at the dragon from afar."
"I forgot about impervious hides."
"And for trying to poison it."
"Who knew that dragon's fire burned out poisons?"
"And for losing one of my favorite swords."
"It worked on Smog!"
"Varicose! From the beginning it has been you, you, you. Well, you failed." Delphine turned back around, and started walking to the inn. "I've made a call. I want this wizard, he can win it, if it means a fourth of the treasure gone, fine. One quarter of a horde is more gold than anyone can spend in a lifetime, now come on. We need a plan before your dramatics cost us any more."
Varicose was speechless. My love, my poor, sweet, love so in denial. I have done my best to keep you safe. Yet still you deny it. Oh, Delphine, you will be mine whether you like it or not. Varicose thought. If gold was a great concern then fine, Varicose would be happy to see to it that Delphine got her fair share; he would give his up for her. He could see it now. The dwarf and wizard would selfishly take their gold and run but he, Varicose, would selflessly give his to the lady. He would sweep her off her feet with his gallantry. Yes, she would be so struck her hard exterior would melt and she would be in his waiting arms. It would be perfect. She would finally be the girl he was sure she wanted to be while she was being someone who hated him. And, surely all girls liked to feel worthy; he would make her feel like the princess she was supposed to be. Little will she know, my payoff will be the greatest. While he was lost in this scheme and visions of leather turning to satin Delphine had found the inn and was entering. "Delphine, dearest, wait for me!" He whined and hurried his step.
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Diolch and da boch chi!