(A/N: Err. Sorry it's been so long. It's been a combination of writer's
block, laziness, and a busy schedule that have prevented me from writing
more. Now I just have a few notes.
Yes, Circe is named after a character from mythology. Greek mythology, actually. Actually, she's inspired by the classic, "The Odyssey" and "The Iliad" which we read this year in English. And the scene with the animals when we first meet Circe isn't from Spirited Away; the scene in "The Odyssey" where Circe turns Odysseus's men into animals because they ate her food, inspired that part.
Hmm.point me in the direction of those Draco/Cho fics! Glad to see some of you are so involved in the romances. But I am not much of a romance writer, so romance isn't the main focal point in this story. I don't think I'm especially good at romance, so I avoid my weakness. So if you, ahem, didn't like my D/C then just concentrate on the plot, as romance isn't the main issue here.
Thank you.)
Chapter Thirteen
I closed my eyes and let the reminiscent visions fill my mind. The day had started off as any other had. I had felt alone and unappreciated, stupid and useless. Failure seemed to have settled in permanently, reminding me that I was a Malfoy. That was the only reason I was succeeding. I thought of how my father took care of me. He made sure I did well.
In those low spirits I had forced myself out of the castle, alone. I had met Granger, and let her walk all over me with the truth. I had no real friends, and she knew that. Our own almost pleasant experience together had rendered this fresh in her sharp mind, and she now realized what I did. I had been lonely enough to jump into something, forgetting what I held dear in people. I hadn't stopped to consider who she was, and that told Granger that something was wrong. This probably delighted her, too.
Then I had sulked off into the rain, alone and feeling worse than ever. Even Loony Lovegood seemed to have more real friends than I did. So I took myself for a lonely walk into the rain. And as drips of water poured down my face, and the sun hid behind the clouds, I found someone who understood me.
I had to smile at the memory of Cho Chang leaning her head against me, sobbing like a maniac against my shoulder. We shared several common bonds, as it turned out. Our families had put enormous amounts of pressure upon the both of us.
"My family is rather new to Britain," Cho said slowly. "And they want me to succeed. I'm their only child, you know," she added, looking at me. I knew how she felt. "And they want to have a good name. Father and mother are in the Ministry, and I can't go around disgracing them. I want to make mother and father proud, but it's hard sometimes. I'm supposed to be popular, and smart, and athletic, and everything else. And then Cedric told me I was perfect the way I was. He told me that it didn't matter what my parents thought. He didn't care about my faults, or anything."
I didn't really know what to say over this, so I patted her lightly on the back, nodding along. What else is there to do when you have a girl in your arms, wailing about another boy that she obviously loved? Your options become limited, and so do your feelings. You feel sorry for her; yet have that awful urge to talk about something else. Jealousy would be a good word for that feeling.
"I-" She said slowly. "I really loved him."
Tears were welling up in her brown eyes, which were currently reflecting my sympathetic face. She pulled herself away from me, and blinked.
"Have you ever been in love?"
I shook my head.
"You're very understanding, then." She added, with a slight smile.
"I just understand your family problems," I said slowly. I wanted to let all my feelings pour out, then and there. I wanted to shout to the world that I, Draco Malfoy, could be something in this world. I wanted to tell Cho how father was overruling and controlling. I wanted to tell her how mother was partially insane. I wanted to tell her that I felt useless. But instead I said:
"I feel a lot of pressure, too."
My chance had left me. I had that opportunity to tell someone in this cruel world how I really felt, I could have lifted that great weight off my chest, and could have let go. I could have felt free, but I chose to keep it all inside. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid that father would find out I was talking behind his back. I was afraid Cho would laugh at me. I was afraid that I would laugh at myself. I was an awful coward, and respected myself so little that my self-conscious side had again overruled the side that wanted to escape.
"I can see that honor means a lot to you, as it does in my family," she said. "And you're doing a good job keeping your head held high," she added. "Your mother and father should be proud," she smiled at me again. I could feel my cheeks burning. "You haven't tried to change yourself to fit in."
She was wrong. I had changed every aspect of myself to fit into the Slytherin crowd. I had let my attitude evolve into something that humankind drew away from. I was an awful, scheming, prejudiced-
"And you're nicer than I imagined."
She leaned in, and kissed my cheek. I was quite surprised that she did not burn her lips, as my cheeks were such a deep red that one would think I had been thrown into boiling water, scorching them. She gave my hand a soft squeeze, and pulled herself off the ground, offering me a hand up.
Not at all hesitantly, I took it, and was yanked to my feet.
"Thanks," she said. "For listening."
I smiled, like a big, stupid, idiot. "Hey, it was my pleasure."
"Well," she said rather timidly. "Se you around."
And I waved, as she walked off, looking slightly more cheerful than she had been before. Her black hair gleamed in the now-shining sunlight, as she trotted up the street, off to somewhere I had probably never thought of visiting. I sighed.
Yes, it had been a good day. At about that time, I felt as if I could do the best wandless magic there was.
~*~
Feeling enlightened, I woke early the next Sunday, and tied a bed robe around myself before heading to the Slytherin Common Room. Warm fires were lit already, giving off warmth and a faith light, and to the east, the sun was rising from its dark bed. No one else was in the common room, leaving me alone, to settle into the couch.
Even the grounds seemed empty. A light layer of frost graced the grass, soon to be melted by the sun. Nothing stirred at all, not even the lake. Not a ripple was visible on the glassy surface of water. The stationary trees cast their shadows onto the dimply lit and dewy grass, as smoke rose from Hagrid's cabin. It was all so serenely good, reflecting my current mood. It was funny how the weather seemed to do that, sometimes.
I smiled to myself, and grabbed an old newspaper from the coffee table near the couch. The headline caught my attention straight away:
MASS BREAKOUT FROM AZKABAN. MINISTRY FEARS BLACK IS "RALLYING POINT" FOR OLD DEATH EATERS.
I nearly dropped my paper on the spot, as the sunken faces of nine witches and wizards. Some leaned lazily against their frames, sneering up at me with malice. Below the frames of each witch or wizard's picture was their name and the crime that they had been imprisoned for.
Right away, my eyes were drawn to a picture of a witch. Her face had leapt out at me the moment I had laid eyes upon the page. Her long, dark hair was unkempt and straggly in the picture, though I imagined it had once been thick and shining. She glared up at me through her dark, heavily lidded eyes, with an arrogant smile playing about her thin lips. She looked as if she had once retained vestiges of great looks, but Azkaban had seemed to take most of her beauty. But her thin, empty face was familiar. I had seen it somewhere before.
It was mother's face, staring out at me from another person. I could not recall this person well, but I had seen one picture of her, for certain. This was mother's favorite sister, Bellatrix. "Bellatrix Lestrange, convicted for the torture and permanent incapacitation of Frank and Alice Longbottom," read the caption. Neville Longbottom's parents. They were probably incompetent fools like he was.
I scanned the article quickly, and understood why mother had been so happy over the Christmas Holidays. This rally was being planned, and mother was happy, because her sister, Bellatrix, was finally being freed. Instead of escaping prison, like father, Bellatrix had taken the price that loyalty to the Dark Lord has. She did not weave her way through the loopholes in the government. She was loyal to the Dark Lord, through and through.
Mother respected Bellatrix for this, I suddenly understood. She thought Bellatrix was a better servant to the Dark Lord, and father knew this. Mother did not care, either. She was on the verge of breaking point, anyway. What did it matter that her husband was a coward and a fool? It wasn't her fault, and she knew that he would have to pay. That cruel streak in her heart let him go about his life, knowing that one day he would pay his price to the Dark Lord.
This had to be why father took everything out on us. It was mother's fault. Dratted mother and her loyalty to her blasted family. Mother acted as if she cared so much about me, but was that because I was family? Did she just want me to be faithful to her, and the rest of the Blacks? Did she want me to prove to father that he was just a coward, after all?
I cursed loudly, and threw the newspaper back on the table without a second glance. I stormed up to the dormitory, where Crabbe ad Goyle were sleeping like the logs they really were. Still cursing under my breath, I pulled on my robes, and thundered out of the dormitory, amazed that I had not caused anyone to wake from their peaceful slumbering.
They all slept without a care in the world. To the rest of Slytherin, they rested peacefully, under the pretense that the Dark Lord was back. Their parents were smugly wrapped up in their bribing occupations, resting comfortably in the Lord Voldemort's hand. They weren't being tugged at by their mother and father, between loyalty and riches, between what was wrong, and what was even more wrong.
No one else was the child that was there to just hold up the family name. No one else had been born to possibly one day betray his father, as his mother probably wanted. No one was there just to support a man that was cowardly, even in the world of Dark Arts.
I snatched my wand up from the table where I had left it, and thundered out of the common room, to roam the halls of Hogwarts. It was too early for breakfast, and I didn't want to be seen sitting in solitude at the Slytherin house table, looking like the poster child for loneliness and depression. But, in truth, that was what I was. I was lonely. I served no purpose.
I took a quiet breath, as I nearly turned a corner that I was not familiar with, and heard the familiar, sweetly pleasant voice of Circe echoing throughout the hall. I stopped at the corner, with my body pressed against the cold, stone wall.
"-What is the Lord Voldemort planning, Severus?" Circe's voice echoed. "He's broken out his faithful crowd, but for what?" She sounded desperate, for something. But for what? "What does he want everyone for? You've said he's drawn in his old crowd from across Europe, and he's obviously plotting for something."
"I don't know!" Snape's harshly diabolical voice followed. "I'm not in the inner circle. I bribe the answers out of Lucius Malfoy, in return for giving his son Draco top marks."
My heart sank, and I let myself slide down the wall, wanting to cry. That put the cherry on the awful cake that was my life. Was I that useless, that I didn't even earn my own top marks in Potions? I was so useless that even Snape; a Hogwarts professor was using me for something.
And then there was Circe. She was probably trying to get something out of me, too. What did she want now? More of this information that she was supposedly seeking? For what reason was I her pawn on her chessboard of life?
Everyone had a reason for keeping me around, it seemed. And it didn't benefit me. I got the Quidditch team the best broomsticks. I was supposed to bring honor to the Malfoy family name. I was supposed to show loyalty to mother, and Voldemort's true supporters. I was Snape's key to getting answers about the Dark Lord. Circe was probably being nice to me to get an answer of some sort. Was Cho Chang just using me so she could vent about Potter?
Really, what was my purpose in life? There was nothing that I was truly good at. I thought I had Potions, at least. How wrong I was. Not even mother loved me for who I was. Mother just wanted me to be another number to show loyalty for her sister and family. I was probably using myself, too. What did I want to do with my life? Was there a purpose?
"Mister Malfoy," a soft voice cut into my thoughts. "What are you doing here?"
(A/N: Ah, yes. Poor Draco. And he was just starting to feel so good about himself, and then he took a second thought about Narcissa. It seems like everyone is using him!
Well, um, sorry about all the repetition, there. All I think I did was repeat sentences over and over again. I bet you got sick of reading the end part. And how kind of me to leave you another cliffhanger!
So what is old Circe up to? Or better yet, what is EVERYONE up to? And why does it all involve Draco? What is Draco going to do with himself now that he's realized the truth?
You get all these things to think about, until I post some more! And I start volleyball practice on August 11th, so it may be longer between chapters, and stuff. I return to the prison that they call school on August 21st, so then expect even more delays. Volleyball and school at the same time. Uffda. Where did summer go?
--Clayr)
Yes, Circe is named after a character from mythology. Greek mythology, actually. Actually, she's inspired by the classic, "The Odyssey" and "The Iliad" which we read this year in English. And the scene with the animals when we first meet Circe isn't from Spirited Away; the scene in "The Odyssey" where Circe turns Odysseus's men into animals because they ate her food, inspired that part.
Hmm.point me in the direction of those Draco/Cho fics! Glad to see some of you are so involved in the romances. But I am not much of a romance writer, so romance isn't the main focal point in this story. I don't think I'm especially good at romance, so I avoid my weakness. So if you, ahem, didn't like my D/C then just concentrate on the plot, as romance isn't the main issue here.
Thank you.)
Chapter Thirteen
I closed my eyes and let the reminiscent visions fill my mind. The day had started off as any other had. I had felt alone and unappreciated, stupid and useless. Failure seemed to have settled in permanently, reminding me that I was a Malfoy. That was the only reason I was succeeding. I thought of how my father took care of me. He made sure I did well.
In those low spirits I had forced myself out of the castle, alone. I had met Granger, and let her walk all over me with the truth. I had no real friends, and she knew that. Our own almost pleasant experience together had rendered this fresh in her sharp mind, and she now realized what I did. I had been lonely enough to jump into something, forgetting what I held dear in people. I hadn't stopped to consider who she was, and that told Granger that something was wrong. This probably delighted her, too.
Then I had sulked off into the rain, alone and feeling worse than ever. Even Loony Lovegood seemed to have more real friends than I did. So I took myself for a lonely walk into the rain. And as drips of water poured down my face, and the sun hid behind the clouds, I found someone who understood me.
I had to smile at the memory of Cho Chang leaning her head against me, sobbing like a maniac against my shoulder. We shared several common bonds, as it turned out. Our families had put enormous amounts of pressure upon the both of us.
"My family is rather new to Britain," Cho said slowly. "And they want me to succeed. I'm their only child, you know," she added, looking at me. I knew how she felt. "And they want to have a good name. Father and mother are in the Ministry, and I can't go around disgracing them. I want to make mother and father proud, but it's hard sometimes. I'm supposed to be popular, and smart, and athletic, and everything else. And then Cedric told me I was perfect the way I was. He told me that it didn't matter what my parents thought. He didn't care about my faults, or anything."
I didn't really know what to say over this, so I patted her lightly on the back, nodding along. What else is there to do when you have a girl in your arms, wailing about another boy that she obviously loved? Your options become limited, and so do your feelings. You feel sorry for her; yet have that awful urge to talk about something else. Jealousy would be a good word for that feeling.
"I-" She said slowly. "I really loved him."
Tears were welling up in her brown eyes, which were currently reflecting my sympathetic face. She pulled herself away from me, and blinked.
"Have you ever been in love?"
I shook my head.
"You're very understanding, then." She added, with a slight smile.
"I just understand your family problems," I said slowly. I wanted to let all my feelings pour out, then and there. I wanted to shout to the world that I, Draco Malfoy, could be something in this world. I wanted to tell Cho how father was overruling and controlling. I wanted to tell her how mother was partially insane. I wanted to tell her that I felt useless. But instead I said:
"I feel a lot of pressure, too."
My chance had left me. I had that opportunity to tell someone in this cruel world how I really felt, I could have lifted that great weight off my chest, and could have let go. I could have felt free, but I chose to keep it all inside. Why? Because I was afraid. I was afraid that father would find out I was talking behind his back. I was afraid Cho would laugh at me. I was afraid that I would laugh at myself. I was an awful coward, and respected myself so little that my self-conscious side had again overruled the side that wanted to escape.
"I can see that honor means a lot to you, as it does in my family," she said. "And you're doing a good job keeping your head held high," she added. "Your mother and father should be proud," she smiled at me again. I could feel my cheeks burning. "You haven't tried to change yourself to fit in."
She was wrong. I had changed every aspect of myself to fit into the Slytherin crowd. I had let my attitude evolve into something that humankind drew away from. I was an awful, scheming, prejudiced-
"And you're nicer than I imagined."
She leaned in, and kissed my cheek. I was quite surprised that she did not burn her lips, as my cheeks were such a deep red that one would think I had been thrown into boiling water, scorching them. She gave my hand a soft squeeze, and pulled herself off the ground, offering me a hand up.
Not at all hesitantly, I took it, and was yanked to my feet.
"Thanks," she said. "For listening."
I smiled, like a big, stupid, idiot. "Hey, it was my pleasure."
"Well," she said rather timidly. "Se you around."
And I waved, as she walked off, looking slightly more cheerful than she had been before. Her black hair gleamed in the now-shining sunlight, as she trotted up the street, off to somewhere I had probably never thought of visiting. I sighed.
Yes, it had been a good day. At about that time, I felt as if I could do the best wandless magic there was.
~*~
Feeling enlightened, I woke early the next Sunday, and tied a bed robe around myself before heading to the Slytherin Common Room. Warm fires were lit already, giving off warmth and a faith light, and to the east, the sun was rising from its dark bed. No one else was in the common room, leaving me alone, to settle into the couch.
Even the grounds seemed empty. A light layer of frost graced the grass, soon to be melted by the sun. Nothing stirred at all, not even the lake. Not a ripple was visible on the glassy surface of water. The stationary trees cast their shadows onto the dimply lit and dewy grass, as smoke rose from Hagrid's cabin. It was all so serenely good, reflecting my current mood. It was funny how the weather seemed to do that, sometimes.
I smiled to myself, and grabbed an old newspaper from the coffee table near the couch. The headline caught my attention straight away:
MASS BREAKOUT FROM AZKABAN. MINISTRY FEARS BLACK IS "RALLYING POINT" FOR OLD DEATH EATERS.
I nearly dropped my paper on the spot, as the sunken faces of nine witches and wizards. Some leaned lazily against their frames, sneering up at me with malice. Below the frames of each witch or wizard's picture was their name and the crime that they had been imprisoned for.
Right away, my eyes were drawn to a picture of a witch. Her face had leapt out at me the moment I had laid eyes upon the page. Her long, dark hair was unkempt and straggly in the picture, though I imagined it had once been thick and shining. She glared up at me through her dark, heavily lidded eyes, with an arrogant smile playing about her thin lips. She looked as if she had once retained vestiges of great looks, but Azkaban had seemed to take most of her beauty. But her thin, empty face was familiar. I had seen it somewhere before.
It was mother's face, staring out at me from another person. I could not recall this person well, but I had seen one picture of her, for certain. This was mother's favorite sister, Bellatrix. "Bellatrix Lestrange, convicted for the torture and permanent incapacitation of Frank and Alice Longbottom," read the caption. Neville Longbottom's parents. They were probably incompetent fools like he was.
I scanned the article quickly, and understood why mother had been so happy over the Christmas Holidays. This rally was being planned, and mother was happy, because her sister, Bellatrix, was finally being freed. Instead of escaping prison, like father, Bellatrix had taken the price that loyalty to the Dark Lord has. She did not weave her way through the loopholes in the government. She was loyal to the Dark Lord, through and through.
Mother respected Bellatrix for this, I suddenly understood. She thought Bellatrix was a better servant to the Dark Lord, and father knew this. Mother did not care, either. She was on the verge of breaking point, anyway. What did it matter that her husband was a coward and a fool? It wasn't her fault, and she knew that he would have to pay. That cruel streak in her heart let him go about his life, knowing that one day he would pay his price to the Dark Lord.
This had to be why father took everything out on us. It was mother's fault. Dratted mother and her loyalty to her blasted family. Mother acted as if she cared so much about me, but was that because I was family? Did she just want me to be faithful to her, and the rest of the Blacks? Did she want me to prove to father that he was just a coward, after all?
I cursed loudly, and threw the newspaper back on the table without a second glance. I stormed up to the dormitory, where Crabbe ad Goyle were sleeping like the logs they really were. Still cursing under my breath, I pulled on my robes, and thundered out of the dormitory, amazed that I had not caused anyone to wake from their peaceful slumbering.
They all slept without a care in the world. To the rest of Slytherin, they rested peacefully, under the pretense that the Dark Lord was back. Their parents were smugly wrapped up in their bribing occupations, resting comfortably in the Lord Voldemort's hand. They weren't being tugged at by their mother and father, between loyalty and riches, between what was wrong, and what was even more wrong.
No one else was the child that was there to just hold up the family name. No one else had been born to possibly one day betray his father, as his mother probably wanted. No one was there just to support a man that was cowardly, even in the world of Dark Arts.
I snatched my wand up from the table where I had left it, and thundered out of the common room, to roam the halls of Hogwarts. It was too early for breakfast, and I didn't want to be seen sitting in solitude at the Slytherin house table, looking like the poster child for loneliness and depression. But, in truth, that was what I was. I was lonely. I served no purpose.
I took a quiet breath, as I nearly turned a corner that I was not familiar with, and heard the familiar, sweetly pleasant voice of Circe echoing throughout the hall. I stopped at the corner, with my body pressed against the cold, stone wall.
"-What is the Lord Voldemort planning, Severus?" Circe's voice echoed. "He's broken out his faithful crowd, but for what?" She sounded desperate, for something. But for what? "What does he want everyone for? You've said he's drawn in his old crowd from across Europe, and he's obviously plotting for something."
"I don't know!" Snape's harshly diabolical voice followed. "I'm not in the inner circle. I bribe the answers out of Lucius Malfoy, in return for giving his son Draco top marks."
My heart sank, and I let myself slide down the wall, wanting to cry. That put the cherry on the awful cake that was my life. Was I that useless, that I didn't even earn my own top marks in Potions? I was so useless that even Snape; a Hogwarts professor was using me for something.
And then there was Circe. She was probably trying to get something out of me, too. What did she want now? More of this information that she was supposedly seeking? For what reason was I her pawn on her chessboard of life?
Everyone had a reason for keeping me around, it seemed. And it didn't benefit me. I got the Quidditch team the best broomsticks. I was supposed to bring honor to the Malfoy family name. I was supposed to show loyalty to mother, and Voldemort's true supporters. I was Snape's key to getting answers about the Dark Lord. Circe was probably being nice to me to get an answer of some sort. Was Cho Chang just using me so she could vent about Potter?
Really, what was my purpose in life? There was nothing that I was truly good at. I thought I had Potions, at least. How wrong I was. Not even mother loved me for who I was. Mother just wanted me to be another number to show loyalty for her sister and family. I was probably using myself, too. What did I want to do with my life? Was there a purpose?
"Mister Malfoy," a soft voice cut into my thoughts. "What are you doing here?"
(A/N: Ah, yes. Poor Draco. And he was just starting to feel so good about himself, and then he took a second thought about Narcissa. It seems like everyone is using him!
Well, um, sorry about all the repetition, there. All I think I did was repeat sentences over and over again. I bet you got sick of reading the end part. And how kind of me to leave you another cliffhanger!
So what is old Circe up to? Or better yet, what is EVERYONE up to? And why does it all involve Draco? What is Draco going to do with himself now that he's realized the truth?
You get all these things to think about, until I post some more! And I start volleyball practice on August 11th, so it may be longer between chapters, and stuff. I return to the prison that they call school on August 21st, so then expect even more delays. Volleyball and school at the same time. Uffda. Where did summer go?
--Clayr)