Title: Sark Park: The Spirit of Project Christmas
Author: typhoon5ht
Distribution: Well, at least tell me first.
Summary: Crossover spoof combining South Park and Alias - This follows the
original short - The Spirit of Christmas
Notes: Sark, Vaughn, Weiss, and Marshall are best friends and currently in
elementary school. They don't know Jack, Sloane, or anything really about
the spy world. Remember this is a spoof. like Naked Gun or Scary Movie or
something.
Rating: TV-MA - All profanity is cens*r#d
Scene : Sark wearing blue beanie, Vaughn with green hunter's cap, Marshall in big red parka, Weiss in orange hooded jacket. They are all standing in a line in a snowy park.
All: We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas..
Weiss: Whoa, wait a moment, Vaughn, aren't you French?
Vaughn: Uh yeah, I think so.
Weiss: Well, shouldn't you be singing French Christmas songs!
Sark: Oh heaven forbid! The Frenchman singing English Christmas Carols.
Vaughn: What the hell is a French Christmas song?
Sark: Oh probably something prissy about being rude, surrendering and hating all Americans.
Marshall: You know, I'd just like to say a little something. you know. that the French really haven't always been the nicest people..
Vaughn: Don't oppress me freak boy!
Marshall: You know, you really don't have to get quite so angry. But uh, I just have one question. You know, uh, why aren't you yelling at Sark.
Vaughn: Well, Sark can kick my a$$ with his little pinky, while you cower away whenever I wrinkle my forehead. See.
Marshall cowers and yells and Vaughn wrinkles his forehead without emotion.
Marshall: Yaaaaa! That's just like Mr. Hat. He can read minds, I tell you!
The others stare incredulously at Marshall.
Sark: Let me guess. Been breathing the fumes from your chemistry set again, have you?
Suddenly, their argument is interrupted by a man in full tactical gear parachuting in behind them.
Weiss shrieks as he tightens his hoodie around his face.
Vaughn: Jesus Christ!
The Man: No, my name is Jack Bristow.
Marshall eyes Jack's equipment with the glee of a 5 year-old on Christmas day.
Marshall: KickA$$! Is that an MP5k-A4! Those are like the most incredible CQB inventions. well, until the new MP7s come out, those are like really cool, and.. and..
The cold steely stare emanating from Jack's eyes finally shuts up Marshall.
Jack: Please refrain from beholding my CIA equipped glory.
Sark: What brings you to my park Jack?
Jack: I've come to gain retribution.
Sark: Bloody Hell! He's come to kill you because you're French, Vaughn.
Vaughn: Oh f*(K! I'm sorry Jack, please don't kill me!
Jack: Do you expect your meager sniveling will garner any compassion from me? Save your whining for someone who gives a damn. I wouldn't waste the ammunition on you anyway.
Vaughn: uh. whew?
Jack: Tomorrow is the anniversary of my greatest work, but all is not well.
Sark: A little in love with our job, aren't we Jack?
Jack: I must infiltrate a building called "Credit Dauphine"
Sark: Oh I know that place. Its next to the alley that smells like piss.
They all exit
Scene: The five people enter SD-6 headquarters, virtually deserted for the holidays and with nary a present or a bit of tinsel anywhere.
Sark: Welcome to Disneyland. please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Why in God's name would you desire to come to such a hellhole?
Jack: Him
Enter Sloane dressed as Santa Claus flanked by two of the biggest, meanest looking guys dressed as elves.
Sloane: Hello Jack, do you like my new suit? Nothing but gifts and love for the children of the world.
Sloane holds up a set of geometric blocks
Sloane: Building blocks for the little kiddies.
Jack: Everything about you is bulls*#&. We both know the real reason for these gifts, and it has nothing to do with love.
Sloane: If I remember right, this project we call Christmas was created by you. Oh what's wrong? Am I blemishing the meaning of your Project Christmas?
Jack: You blemished the meaning long ago when you used Project Christmas to turn my only daughter from a Barbie loving little girl into a Bad Mutherf#(*er. I'm here to put an end to your depraved lunacy.
Sloane: Are you sure there isn't something I can offer you to change your mind?
Jack: You could never offer me anything that I'd ever want. Tonight it all ends.
Sloane: I'm sorry you feel that way Jack. You were a good friend.
As Sloane dives out of the way, the two elves draw guns and fire wildly at Jack. Jack draws his gun while diving away and returns fire. As bullets ricochet everywhere, a stray bullet strikes Weiss.
Sark: Oh my God! They shot Weiss!
Vaughn: You BASTARDS!
Jack blows away the two elves. As he gets up, Sloane suddenly dives in out of nowhere, knocks Jack's gun away, and they wrestle on the floor. Then they both pause and look up at the three remaining boys and realize that they're holding the guns. Jack: Boys, listen to me carefully. You have to help me destroy this evil.
Sloane: No boys, you have to help me kill this lunatic.
Jack: This is for your country dammit! Don't you believe in the Red, White, and Blue?
Sloane: Sarky, remember those blocks you played with everyday when you were three?
Sark: So those weren't Tinker-toys?
Sloane: Why do you think you're a Badmutherf*(#^r?
Sark: I rather enjoy being a Badmutherf*(#^r. Let's kill Jack.
Vaughn: You're just saying that because you can kick a$$. I'm an American! And someday I want to work for the CIA and I need Jack to give me a letter of rec.
Sark: Stupid Yankee! Always acting all high and mighty.
Vaughn: Shut up Brit Boy! We kicked your a$$ and saved it from Hitler!
This sets off massive amounts of arguing and taunts from all individuals. Finally the insanity is broken.
Marshall: Um, excuse me. Can I make a suggestion? At times like this, we need to ask ourselves.. What would Quentin Tarantino do?
Vaughn: Yeah, what would Quentin Tarantino do?
With classic surf rock playing in the background, Quentin Tarantino strides in slow-motion and with extreme swagger.
Quentin Tarantino: Yo, did you call?
Sark: I don't suppose you could possibly walk any slower. Now we have a question for you. Who would you help in a fight. A CIA agent or a terrorist mastermind?
Quentin Tarantino: You see kids, we need both sneaky spies and crazy madmen. If it weren't for the two, all TV would suck! We'd be watching some s**t like According to Jim or Dawson's Creek 90210 or some other boring a$$ s**t like that all night. We need cool s**t. Bada$$ s**t like Shaw Brother's s**t.. now that is the craziest f***** bad f***** cool a** S*** around! But we need cool a$$ James Bond spy s*#% too. And you can't have James Bond kicking some dumba$$ drug dealer's a$$. He needs to kick some bad motherf****r's a$$! D*** I need a drink. I need some booze..
Quentin Tarantino exits to more cool classic rock. Sloane and Jack are still wrestling, rolling around the floor, and yelling at each other.
Vaughn: Jack, you have to understand that Santa here is keeping the Spirit of Project Christmas alive by spreading it all around the world, making a whole new generation of bad mutherf*($#rs.
Sark: And you strange Santa-suit wearing man, you must accept that without Jack, you'd have to steal some other genius' program for your sadistic plan.
Marshall: And um, if I could add just one thing. without each other, you'd probably um have to go out and get a real job instead of playing with guns and other cool gadgets all day long.
Sloane: These kids are right! We need each other Jack. No hard feelings. put 'er there.
Sloane offers his hand to Jack.
Jack: It will be a cold day in hell before I ever shake you hand. But I'm not going to answer phones again at that damn airplane company, so I'm not going to kill you today. Goodbye.
Jack sucks out of the room. Sloane collects his bag and leaves through another exit.
Marshall: Okay. now that was different.
Vaughn: But just think, today, we actually met the real Quentin Tarantino!
Sark: I wonder how his monologue will sound once the network censors get a hold of it.
Vaughn: And you know what, I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're French, a sneaky CIA agent, or some diabolical tyrant. Christmas is still about one thing.
Sark: Kicking a$$ and being a bad mutherf*(*#r.
Vaughn and Marshall together: OH HELL YEAH!
Vaughn: Hey, there's a few more of those weird blocks, maybe we can all become bad mutherf*(*#rs!
The three boys gather up the blocks and exit.
End music: Issac Hayes singing the following song:
Who is the man, who would break the neck of any man? SARK! .you're damn right.
Who's the cat who always kicks A$$ when dangers all amassed.. SARK! Can ya dig it?
Cause they tell me that cat Sark is one bad muther. Shut yo mouth! What? But I'm talking about Sark?
Scene : Sark wearing blue beanie, Vaughn with green hunter's cap, Marshall in big red parka, Weiss in orange hooded jacket. They are all standing in a line in a snowy park.
All: We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas..
Weiss: Whoa, wait a moment, Vaughn, aren't you French?
Vaughn: Uh yeah, I think so.
Weiss: Well, shouldn't you be singing French Christmas songs!
Sark: Oh heaven forbid! The Frenchman singing English Christmas Carols.
Vaughn: What the hell is a French Christmas song?
Sark: Oh probably something prissy about being rude, surrendering and hating all Americans.
Marshall: You know, I'd just like to say a little something. you know. that the French really haven't always been the nicest people..
Vaughn: Don't oppress me freak boy!
Marshall: You know, you really don't have to get quite so angry. But uh, I just have one question. You know, uh, why aren't you yelling at Sark.
Vaughn: Well, Sark can kick my a$$ with his little pinky, while you cower away whenever I wrinkle my forehead. See.
Marshall cowers and yells and Vaughn wrinkles his forehead without emotion.
Marshall: Yaaaaa! That's just like Mr. Hat. He can read minds, I tell you!
The others stare incredulously at Marshall.
Sark: Let me guess. Been breathing the fumes from your chemistry set again, have you?
Suddenly, their argument is interrupted by a man in full tactical gear parachuting in behind them.
Weiss shrieks as he tightens his hoodie around his face.
Vaughn: Jesus Christ!
The Man: No, my name is Jack Bristow.
Marshall eyes Jack's equipment with the glee of a 5 year-old on Christmas day.
Marshall: KickA$$! Is that an MP5k-A4! Those are like the most incredible CQB inventions. well, until the new MP7s come out, those are like really cool, and.. and..
The cold steely stare emanating from Jack's eyes finally shuts up Marshall.
Jack: Please refrain from beholding my CIA equipped glory.
Sark: What brings you to my park Jack?
Jack: I've come to gain retribution.
Sark: Bloody Hell! He's come to kill you because you're French, Vaughn.
Vaughn: Oh f*(K! I'm sorry Jack, please don't kill me!
Jack: Do you expect your meager sniveling will garner any compassion from me? Save your whining for someone who gives a damn. I wouldn't waste the ammunition on you anyway.
Vaughn: uh. whew?
Jack: Tomorrow is the anniversary of my greatest work, but all is not well.
Sark: A little in love with our job, aren't we Jack?
Jack: I must infiltrate a building called "Credit Dauphine"
Sark: Oh I know that place. Its next to the alley that smells like piss.
They all exit
Scene: The five people enter SD-6 headquarters, virtually deserted for the holidays and with nary a present or a bit of tinsel anywhere.
Sark: Welcome to Disneyland. please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Why in God's name would you desire to come to such a hellhole?
Jack: Him
Enter Sloane dressed as Santa Claus flanked by two of the biggest, meanest looking guys dressed as elves.
Sloane: Hello Jack, do you like my new suit? Nothing but gifts and love for the children of the world.
Sloane holds up a set of geometric blocks
Sloane: Building blocks for the little kiddies.
Jack: Everything about you is bulls*#&. We both know the real reason for these gifts, and it has nothing to do with love.
Sloane: If I remember right, this project we call Christmas was created by you. Oh what's wrong? Am I blemishing the meaning of your Project Christmas?
Jack: You blemished the meaning long ago when you used Project Christmas to turn my only daughter from a Barbie loving little girl into a Bad Mutherf#(*er. I'm here to put an end to your depraved lunacy.
Sloane: Are you sure there isn't something I can offer you to change your mind?
Jack: You could never offer me anything that I'd ever want. Tonight it all ends.
Sloane: I'm sorry you feel that way Jack. You were a good friend.
As Sloane dives out of the way, the two elves draw guns and fire wildly at Jack. Jack draws his gun while diving away and returns fire. As bullets ricochet everywhere, a stray bullet strikes Weiss.
Sark: Oh my God! They shot Weiss!
Vaughn: You BASTARDS!
Jack blows away the two elves. As he gets up, Sloane suddenly dives in out of nowhere, knocks Jack's gun away, and they wrestle on the floor. Then they both pause and look up at the three remaining boys and realize that they're holding the guns. Jack: Boys, listen to me carefully. You have to help me destroy this evil.
Sloane: No boys, you have to help me kill this lunatic.
Jack: This is for your country dammit! Don't you believe in the Red, White, and Blue?
Sloane: Sarky, remember those blocks you played with everyday when you were three?
Sark: So those weren't Tinker-toys?
Sloane: Why do you think you're a Badmutherf*(#^r?
Sark: I rather enjoy being a Badmutherf*(#^r. Let's kill Jack.
Vaughn: You're just saying that because you can kick a$$. I'm an American! And someday I want to work for the CIA and I need Jack to give me a letter of rec.
Sark: Stupid Yankee! Always acting all high and mighty.
Vaughn: Shut up Brit Boy! We kicked your a$$ and saved it from Hitler!
This sets off massive amounts of arguing and taunts from all individuals. Finally the insanity is broken.
Marshall: Um, excuse me. Can I make a suggestion? At times like this, we need to ask ourselves.. What would Quentin Tarantino do?
Vaughn: Yeah, what would Quentin Tarantino do?
With classic surf rock playing in the background, Quentin Tarantino strides in slow-motion and with extreme swagger.
Quentin Tarantino: Yo, did you call?
Sark: I don't suppose you could possibly walk any slower. Now we have a question for you. Who would you help in a fight. A CIA agent or a terrorist mastermind?
Quentin Tarantino: You see kids, we need both sneaky spies and crazy madmen. If it weren't for the two, all TV would suck! We'd be watching some s**t like According to Jim or Dawson's Creek 90210 or some other boring a$$ s**t like that all night. We need cool s**t. Bada$$ s**t like Shaw Brother's s**t.. now that is the craziest f***** bad f***** cool a** S*** around! But we need cool a$$ James Bond spy s*#% too. And you can't have James Bond kicking some dumba$$ drug dealer's a$$. He needs to kick some bad motherf****r's a$$! D*** I need a drink. I need some booze..
Quentin Tarantino exits to more cool classic rock. Sloane and Jack are still wrestling, rolling around the floor, and yelling at each other.
Vaughn: Jack, you have to understand that Santa here is keeping the Spirit of Project Christmas alive by spreading it all around the world, making a whole new generation of bad mutherf*($#rs.
Sark: And you strange Santa-suit wearing man, you must accept that without Jack, you'd have to steal some other genius' program for your sadistic plan.
Marshall: And um, if I could add just one thing. without each other, you'd probably um have to go out and get a real job instead of playing with guns and other cool gadgets all day long.
Sloane: These kids are right! We need each other Jack. No hard feelings. put 'er there.
Sloane offers his hand to Jack.
Jack: It will be a cold day in hell before I ever shake you hand. But I'm not going to answer phones again at that damn airplane company, so I'm not going to kill you today. Goodbye.
Jack sucks out of the room. Sloane collects his bag and leaves through another exit.
Marshall: Okay. now that was different.
Vaughn: But just think, today, we actually met the real Quentin Tarantino!
Sark: I wonder how his monologue will sound once the network censors get a hold of it.
Vaughn: And you know what, I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're French, a sneaky CIA agent, or some diabolical tyrant. Christmas is still about one thing.
Sark: Kicking a$$ and being a bad mutherf*(*#r.
Vaughn and Marshall together: OH HELL YEAH!
Vaughn: Hey, there's a few more of those weird blocks, maybe we can all become bad mutherf*(*#rs!
The three boys gather up the blocks and exit.
End music: Issac Hayes singing the following song:
Who is the man, who would break the neck of any man? SARK! .you're damn right.
Who's the cat who always kicks A$$ when dangers all amassed.. SARK! Can ya dig it?
Cause they tell me that cat Sark is one bad muther. Shut yo mouth! What? But I'm talking about Sark?