Part 1 Complicate You
"Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself"
'Malfoy I-' I started. He stopped me suddenly, the raw pain obvious in the way he looked at me. I felt my face contort as he placed his hand over my hand before I could go any further. Harm him anymore. I knew he couldn't handle it, and I really couldn't blame him. I couldn't handle it either. I felt my face change from horror-struck to pleasured to bewildered beneath his touch. I don't really hold my emotions as well as him. He makes me feel like all I'm doing is right when I kiss him, but when he kissed me I cant help but be sickened by it, at least to a certain extent. The only problem is, I know he feels exactly the same way as me. He just hides his emotions better than I do. I wish I could be that good for him. I wish we liked each other. All the people who like each other are actually happy. They don't know what it is to hate, but they also don't know what it is to love. Lucky bastards.
Harry." He choked, his teeth clenched. "Draco Harry, Draco. Please." I could feel him weakening. I could feel his body starting to drain. He didn't like begging, and that's exactly what he was doing. He didn't plead like other people though. When he did, he threw his entire being into what he was pleading for. It had to be his.
'Harry, I cant. I mean-' he was mumbling but I understood him totally. Of course, that's the way we were isn't it? We read each other without even trying. I wasn't going to hold it against him though. I'd wait for him to say it. He had to say it. If he didn't, and I did he'd just deny it and he'd grow into his ice again. I couldn't do that; I needed him too much right now. Right now and forever. Forever, such the cruel and ironic word. Cruel because, if you even had a hint of what forever would mean, you'd want to die and never know what it was to live again, because forever hurts. It's just a slow-wear-down of who you are, were, or might have been. Ironic because you always think you'll spend 'forever' with the Perfect person. Well if you perfect person really does exist I'm sorry. I found my perfect person, and want to die everyday.
"Draco." I spoke softly, trying to make his pain go away. Like when a mother kisses her child after they fell, or like when someone says 'I love you' and expects it to fix all. Well I'm not all that high and mighty, but if speaking softly would make his pain lessen, even a little, then maybe mine would too. "What are you trying to say?" I knew it was pointless in asking, one way or another I'd get my answer. But I always ask, if not just to be polite. "I'm listening, I'm always listening."
I knew what I'd said would be strangely truthful, but it wasn't until the words were out there that I realized how much they'd cut. Wanting to apologize, but also wanting to see him bathe in his pain, just like he'd left me so many times, I just stood there trying not to hurt him further. I saw him freeze up after registering the words, I saw him realize the unintentional irony in them and I stifled a bitter laugh knowing it would only add to his pain. As much as I hated him, I loved him just the same. Bitter, bitter irony. His response came just as shocking as it always had. I'd never be prepared for the eerie truth behind the words.
"I need you Harry."
"I know."
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
"Do you need me?"
"More than I can ever tell you."
"I'm sorry too then."
"It's 'k."
"No, no its not. I for one will never be okay again, Harry."
"I know, me neither. But as long as I have u with me it's not as awful, I guess."
"I know, but sometimes, that's just the problem isn't it?"
"Yes of course. I'd better go."
"Yeah, I guess I should too."
I could feel that he didn't really want to leave, but of course I didn't either. I had too, if I didn't not only would Hermione start worrying, but also I would probably end up in Draco's arms. Not that I'm complaining, but I'd be missed, and tomorrow, I'd feel dirty and wrong. That's another problem with our relationship, when I'm with him, everything's right with the world, but as soon as we come to pass again, I feel wrong and soiled. I, I had to get out of there. I started towards the door, but could sense the pain filtering through Draco and I couldn't just stand there. I stopped looked back at him and couldn't help myself.
I walked over and touched the bruise on his otherwise perfect face. I saw the damage I'd caused. I kissed him on the bruise. I don't know why, but I thought the act of the gesture might make him feel a little better. God, if I'd only remembered that being this close to him, I lost control. I think I need a memo pad. Suddenly I was kissing him, as I said before, MEMO PAD! I knew I'd feel wrong tomorrow, but I didn't care anymore. I felt the world spinning. I felt my feet leave the ground. And suddenly this hell on earth had moved to heaven. I deepened the kiss and felt the tears of pain and joy fall down my face mingling with Draco's. I could feel him gasping for air, but not ending the kiss. He was where I was. Air was secondary. Living wasn't even worth thought. Just as long as we had each other. We clung to each other as I deepened the kiss and the tears fell faster, for both of us. Abruptly Draco broke the kiss with an almost silent cry. I could see the hurt fall across his features as he realized what he'd done. He'd broken the first kiss we'd shared in weeks. And he only had done it to end the pain the kiss was causing. We always forgot to realize, that when we parted ways, the pain only came back greater and more painful. I could see his hurt cross his face, and I just couldn't stand there. I had to leave.
"You look tired, and we better be leaving anyway. Good Night." I muttered quickly and easily. I said it every time we left each other. I loved him, and hated him. What the hell else was I supposed to do? I closed the door softly behind me and stopped right outside the door. I can't show him my pain he already has all his. I need to be stronger. I need, I need. And then I just couldn't stop the tears. I fell against the wall and sat there thinking of all the things that Draco had done for me. What have I ever done for him?
"Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself"
'Malfoy I-' I started. He stopped me suddenly, the raw pain obvious in the way he looked at me. I felt my face contort as he placed his hand over my hand before I could go any further. Harm him anymore. I knew he couldn't handle it, and I really couldn't blame him. I couldn't handle it either. I felt my face change from horror-struck to pleasured to bewildered beneath his touch. I don't really hold my emotions as well as him. He makes me feel like all I'm doing is right when I kiss him, but when he kissed me I cant help but be sickened by it, at least to a certain extent. The only problem is, I know he feels exactly the same way as me. He just hides his emotions better than I do. I wish I could be that good for him. I wish we liked each other. All the people who like each other are actually happy. They don't know what it is to hate, but they also don't know what it is to love. Lucky bastards.
Harry." He choked, his teeth clenched. "Draco Harry, Draco. Please." I could feel him weakening. I could feel his body starting to drain. He didn't like begging, and that's exactly what he was doing. He didn't plead like other people though. When he did, he threw his entire being into what he was pleading for. It had to be his.
'Harry, I cant. I mean-' he was mumbling but I understood him totally. Of course, that's the way we were isn't it? We read each other without even trying. I wasn't going to hold it against him though. I'd wait for him to say it. He had to say it. If he didn't, and I did he'd just deny it and he'd grow into his ice again. I couldn't do that; I needed him too much right now. Right now and forever. Forever, such the cruel and ironic word. Cruel because, if you even had a hint of what forever would mean, you'd want to die and never know what it was to live again, because forever hurts. It's just a slow-wear-down of who you are, were, or might have been. Ironic because you always think you'll spend 'forever' with the Perfect person. Well if you perfect person really does exist I'm sorry. I found my perfect person, and want to die everyday.
"Draco." I spoke softly, trying to make his pain go away. Like when a mother kisses her child after they fell, or like when someone says 'I love you' and expects it to fix all. Well I'm not all that high and mighty, but if speaking softly would make his pain lessen, even a little, then maybe mine would too. "What are you trying to say?" I knew it was pointless in asking, one way or another I'd get my answer. But I always ask, if not just to be polite. "I'm listening, I'm always listening."
I knew what I'd said would be strangely truthful, but it wasn't until the words were out there that I realized how much they'd cut. Wanting to apologize, but also wanting to see him bathe in his pain, just like he'd left me so many times, I just stood there trying not to hurt him further. I saw him freeze up after registering the words, I saw him realize the unintentional irony in them and I stifled a bitter laugh knowing it would only add to his pain. As much as I hated him, I loved him just the same. Bitter, bitter irony. His response came just as shocking as it always had. I'd never be prepared for the eerie truth behind the words.
"I need you Harry."
"I know."
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
"Do you need me?"
"More than I can ever tell you."
"I'm sorry too then."
"It's 'k."
"No, no its not. I for one will never be okay again, Harry."
"I know, me neither. But as long as I have u with me it's not as awful, I guess."
"I know, but sometimes, that's just the problem isn't it?"
"Yes of course. I'd better go."
"Yeah, I guess I should too."
I could feel that he didn't really want to leave, but of course I didn't either. I had too, if I didn't not only would Hermione start worrying, but also I would probably end up in Draco's arms. Not that I'm complaining, but I'd be missed, and tomorrow, I'd feel dirty and wrong. That's another problem with our relationship, when I'm with him, everything's right with the world, but as soon as we come to pass again, I feel wrong and soiled. I, I had to get out of there. I started towards the door, but could sense the pain filtering through Draco and I couldn't just stand there. I stopped looked back at him and couldn't help myself.
I walked over and touched the bruise on his otherwise perfect face. I saw the damage I'd caused. I kissed him on the bruise. I don't know why, but I thought the act of the gesture might make him feel a little better. God, if I'd only remembered that being this close to him, I lost control. I think I need a memo pad. Suddenly I was kissing him, as I said before, MEMO PAD! I knew I'd feel wrong tomorrow, but I didn't care anymore. I felt the world spinning. I felt my feet leave the ground. And suddenly this hell on earth had moved to heaven. I deepened the kiss and felt the tears of pain and joy fall down my face mingling with Draco's. I could feel him gasping for air, but not ending the kiss. He was where I was. Air was secondary. Living wasn't even worth thought. Just as long as we had each other. We clung to each other as I deepened the kiss and the tears fell faster, for both of us. Abruptly Draco broke the kiss with an almost silent cry. I could see the hurt fall across his features as he realized what he'd done. He'd broken the first kiss we'd shared in weeks. And he only had done it to end the pain the kiss was causing. We always forgot to realize, that when we parted ways, the pain only came back greater and more painful. I could see his hurt cross his face, and I just couldn't stand there. I had to leave.
"You look tired, and we better be leaving anyway. Good Night." I muttered quickly and easily. I said it every time we left each other. I loved him, and hated him. What the hell else was I supposed to do? I closed the door softly behind me and stopped right outside the door. I can't show him my pain he already has all his. I need to be stronger. I need, I need. And then I just couldn't stop the tears. I fell against the wall and sat there thinking of all the things that Draco had done for me. What have I ever done for him?