31 December 1995
Slytherin Dormitory
9:34 PM
Dear Mister Hairy Pothead,
Infamous, selfish, egotistical prat? Respondez Never Sil Vous Plait As Never As Possible? I must say that you have taken the meaning of 'lame' to new and glorious heights, Potter. Even Weasel couldn't have thought of that one, and that's saying something.
Who does that old crone McGonagall think she is, anyway, making us write letters? Effing things up, as usual. Professor Snape wouldn't have bothered with riff-raff like that; he'd have sent you straight to detention. Instead I have to bother with this crap, I'd much rather practise Quidditch on my brand new Nimbus 2002.
It's a Christmas present bought for me by my father, and I'd bet ten galleons that it'd kick your stupid Firebolt's arse any day. Except you haven't got a father, or the ten galleons … oh, hang on: Triwizard Tournament prize money. You're stinking rich now, aren't you? Looks like Weasel's gonna be up to his ears in debt, borrowing money from you, and brains from Mudblood. You've got the late Diggory to thank for this … but we can't go on about that, can we? Poor little ickie wickie Harriekins will be bawling his eyes out about his late friend, sniff sniff.
Your recount of what happened at the Quidditch stands that other day was utter and complete bull. Does that black eye still hurt? What about that bloody nose? Mudblood probably wouldn't be so interested in you now that your face is mutilated. Though I wouldn't blame her, not wasting her time on you. But then Granger isn't really that much of a catch, is she? Stupid slut, running around sleeping with 'famous' wizards. There's the world-famous Victor Krum, there's the oh-so-brave Harry Potter. Put them together and what do you have? Shag-o-rama.
Speaking of ladies, you will be quite pleased to know that Ginny and I are very, very deeply in love. Neither pathetic brother nor jealous dickhead of a friend is gonna change that. And thanks for the tip on the Astronomy Tower; Ginny and I'll make a point of using it for our next romantic exploit. Just hope we don't see you and Mudblood there … what a way to lose your lunch.
May I add that Ginny is soooooo very fine? I have her eating out of the palm of my hand, and somewhere else as well … Try and change anything about our relationship, Potter, and I swear you won't have any whole body parts to finish with. And Mudblood really wouldn't like that now, would she? So don't bore me with any more of your stupid conquests. What's it gonna be this time? Harry Potter and the Redemption of Ginny?
I won't waste my Luxury Peacock Feather Quill on this stupid letter any more. Somebody cut that old McGonagall's throat for me. And please don't use Hugs and Kisses, Potter; I think I've had enough puking for one day.
O Almighty Pothead, my great omnipathetic Lord. I bow before thee, for thou art the pure image of stupidity. May thy inflated head continue to make its glorious ascent to the heavens above.
Your humblest servant,
Draco Malfoy.
P.S. You can neither spell nor use punctuation, or grammar properly. If you want to insult me in your next letter, at least do it correctly.
^^^^^^^^
Note: Draco doesn't know about Harry's already-existent fortune before he received the TT prize money. And Harry Potter and the Redemption of Ginny was influenced by David and Leigh Eddings' excellent novel The Redemption of Althalus. Both Pilgrim Angel and I have read it, and we think it's kick arse stuff!