Disclaimer: Ok, we own nothing but the plot, all the characters belong to
the oh so wonderful JKR, and the off-key song lines George sings belong to
Disney.
A/N: This was written with my buddy, we'll call her Ginny! Okay, we wrote this at like 4 in the morning (after being up all night) and were on a serious sugar high, thanks to the wonderful people at Kellogg's who created Fruit Loops! Umm, It's really Americanized, and we're from Texas, so we suck at British lingo. Also, rated PG-13 for mild sexual references. Enjoy! R/R!
****OH and before you accuse me of Plagiarism, please read my info on my profile*****
Fred and George's Guide to Dating
Fred and George were sitting on their bed when Ginny burst into the room.
"Oh my gosh! Guess what! You're never going to believe this! Guess what!!!!" she shrieked excitedly!
"I don't know, but I bet you're going to tell us, whether we want you to or not, huh?" George mocked.
"I AM your sister, you know. It's my JOB to annoy you! I'm just doing my job here!" she retorted
"Just tell us already!" Fred interjected.
"Oh yeah! I almost forgot! Ron is like totally crushing on Hermione!! Is that cute or what??!!" Ginny burst out.
"Ron??? Hermione??????? Let me get this straight..." George said, dumbfounded.
"We don't have time for your slow mind to get anything straight right now, Ronnie's class is now in session!" Fred burst before running out of the room in pursuit of his little brother.
Ron and Harry were enjoying a nice game of chess when they heard a thud at the foot of the stairs. They turned to see Fred and George in a heap on the floor. They got up, ran over to Ron and proceeded to drag him up the stairs to their room. Harry stifled a laugh; He knew what this was about! They passed Ginny as they dragged Ron up the stairs.
"Go downstairs and keep Harry busy for like an hour. We need to talk to Ron alone for a while. You CAN manage Harry by yourself, I'm sure!?" Fred said, never slowing as he yanked Ron up the many flights of stairs.
"Oh shove it, Fred!" Ginny retorted, but proceeded down the stairs just the same.
"There goes a woman..." said George grinning " Who knows how to handle her men!!!!"
Ron's back was hitting the stairs as they dragged him, and with each stair he let out an annoyed yelp:
"Ow, ouch, hey, ooh, I can, ow, ooh, walk, oof, you know, ow, ow, uh, oh!"
" Do shut it Ron, you're really starting to sound pathetic!!!! You act like you've never been dragged up stairs by us before, this is only a flight, we've dragged ten flights of stairs at home before, so don't ow us!!!!!!!" Fred reprimanded.
"Yeah, we did it to you all the time as a kid. No wonder you turned out so...stupid." George said.
Once they entered their room Fred slammed the door while George threw Ron down on the bed. They stood in front of him grinning.
"Er. what's with you two goofs? Why are you staring at me like that?" Ron asked incredulously.
"Has Ickle Ronniekins got a crush on Hermione?" Fred asked in a baby voice.
"WHAT???" Ron screamed astonished "Hermione... I... I swear I don't know what you two are talking about!!!!!"
"Oh come on Ronnie" George said pinching Ron's cheek "You know exactly what we are talking about!"
"DO NOT CALL ME RONNIEEEEEE!!!!!!" Ron screamed madly.
"OOF!!!" Fred chortled "Touchy when it comes to HERMIONE now aren't we!!!!!" he sang.
" Hermione should not . I repeat should not be in this conversation," Ron said slowly and forcefully.
"Oh Fred... I have always hated that Ron...NIE is closer to Ginny... He will never tell us all that manly man stuff ...and yet, he tells her. and she's NOT A MAN!!!!!!" George sniffled, pretending to cry on Fred's shoulder.
"And what gives you two the impression that you are men?" Ron retorted. " Ginny's a lot more mature about these things than you two are, that's why I told her!"
"Oh. Well she was real mature when she came in here screaming like a banshee telling us!!!" Fred laughed.
"VIRGINIA WEASLEY!!!" Ron exclaimed, making a run for the door. But Fred and George caught him and threw him back on the bed.
" No you are staying here," George screamed, while trying to hold down Ron.
"Now admit you are TOTALLY, COMPLETELY,AND UTTTTTTTEERRRRLLYYYY... in LOOOVVVEEE with Hermione...OR WE WILL NEVER LET YOU UP." Fred bribed.
"OKAY, OKAY, okay...I'll admit it... I do kind of like her!!! NOW WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME UP!" Ron shouted as he continued his struggle from his older brothers.
"Nope, Ronnie, nothing doin's, ain't gonna happen!" George rang out in a singsong voice.
"Not until we teach you a few things," Fred said, as Ron's struggle ceased.
"Like what?" he asked, confused.
"Like what to do in your, erm, current situation..." George said, as if this made everything perfectly clear,
"And what, pray tell, is my current situation?"
"Oh my, you need our help more than I thought!" Fred exclaimed. "You get to be the first person to benefit from 'Fred and George's Guide to Dating'!"
"Excuse me, but I believe we agreed that it was going to be 'George and Fred's Guide to Dating'?" George interrupted.
"But my name comes first in the alphabet!"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, I'm older!"
"By two freaking minutes!"
"And everyone knows that Mum loves me more!"
"Oh please!"
"Well, it's also obvious that I'm the better looking of the two!"
"We're twins, you dolt!"
"EXCUSE ME! I don't care whose 'Guide to Dating' it is, will you two PLEASE get the heck off of me!" Ron shouted. Fred and George looked down realizing that they were both sitting on top of him, fighting, each of them waving an arm around vigorously as they argued.
"Oh yeah, sorry 'bout that," Fred said, regaining his composure and getting off of his brother. "Yeah, got carried away there; Now back to your problems. Oh, and Fred, Mum doesn't love any of us boys, well past Percy anyway, we were just the results of Mum's quest for a daughter!" George pointed out.
"Hey, George, you're still sitting on me!"
"Yeah, I know, but I thought you might be preparing to run away, so I thought I'd stay here for a while."
"Geroff!" Ron shouted exasperatedly as George also released him.
"Hey! It can be 'Gred and Forge's Guide to Dating'!" Fred exclaimed, as though he'd hit a revelation.
"Hmm." George said thoughtfully, "Gred and Forge, I like it!"
"It's settled then, now on to Ronnie's lesson!"
"Lesson 1: Never compare a girl to bathwater." George began, as if this was a common mistake.
"What? Bathwater? I don't see any relevance here..." Ron said, confused as ever.
"Well, George here, made that mistake once. He thought it would be quite, er, romantic to write dear, beloved Elizabeth Ramport a sappy, or should I say soapy, love letter!" He exclaimed, barely able to get the words out through his laughter. "He was doing just fine until he decided to say something about 'soaking up her love' and she took it the wrong way and accused him of comparing her to bathwater, just before she kicked him all the way to the curb."
"Hey, in all fairness, she wasn't that good looking anyway."
"You're only saying that because she kicked you to the curb. The curb 4 blocks down, that is!" He said before rolling on the floor in another fit of laughter.
"Okay, no bathwater or soap comparisons, got it," Ron said.
"Lesson 2:" Fred began, "Using Your Charming Wits." "And unlike Fred, don't make up words to do so. Instead of telling Kelly Parker that when she kissed him, his insides turned to jelly, he said that his insides were JELLIFIED! As if he actually thought that this would win her over!" Now it was George's turn to roll in laughter. "She kicked him to the curb FIVE blocks down, that is, AFTER she slapped the taste out of his mouth." He choked between his hysterics. "In other words," Fred said, trying to keep from laughing at himself, "be sweet and charming without telling her anything...strange or...repulsive."
"And don't treat them like Americans-they hate that." George interjected. "In other words don't greet her by saying 'Hey what's up my dirty ho?'...Trust me, it will get you nowhere!" "Well, nowhere you WANT to go anyway, it'll only take you SEVEN blocks BACKWARDS!" George added for emphasis.
"Got that so far?" Fred asked.
"No bathwater, no words that aren't in the dictionary, and no dirty ho's, got it." Ron confirmed.
"Lesson 3: How to Treat Girls," George said. "Treat Hermione like.like.erm.help me out, Fred."
"Umm...like a...SEX GODDESS!" Fred exclaimed.
"WHAT??!!" Ron freaked out. He had never heard the word 'sex' used so loosely...that was a no-no in front of the Weasley parents.
"Oh yeah...a sex goddess...just treat her like that...yeah, they REALLY like that!" George said.
"Umm...I don't really think I want to know." Ron thought aloud.
"Lesson 4: Kissing!" Fred said somewhat mischievously.
"Okay.hmm.how to kiss a girl.here just pretend to kiss Fred and I'll help you." George said, not sounding at all like he was joking. Ron began to think he was serious.
"Um.kiss Fred???"
"Yes, kiss Fred. He's family, he doesn't have cooties, you know," George pointed out.
"ARE YOU INSANE?! THAT'S SICK!" Ron said, enraged that they would even suggest that, let alone be serious about it.
"I'm not insane, I'm...you know, just.George!" he said perkily.
"Yeah, and I'm Fred.PUCKER UP, BABY!"
"NO WAY AM I GOING TO KISS EITHER OF YOU! I AM NOT GAY!" Ron exploded.
"You don't have to be gay to kiss a family member! Fred and I do it all the time! How do you think we learned it all?"
"You are kidding!" Ron screamed, appalled and still somewhat skeptical.
"No, not at all.See we were in our second year and wondered what it would be like so we just figured 'Hey, let's practice on each other!' and went for it," Fred said, much too nonchalantly for Ron's comfort.
"Oh my gosh! That's SICK!.I'm going to be sick!. I'm going to throw up!" Ron began making choking, gagging noises and pretended to be sick. At this, Fred and George both burst out in uncontrollable laughter, and Ron suddenly realized that they had been fooling him the whole time.
"SICK! You don't actually think that we would do that, do you? Geez, Ron, you are too gullible!" George gasped between sobs of laughter.
"Well then how did you learn?" Ron was eager to change the subject. "Oh, well, yeah, we got Ginny to practice with us. You know, she was perfect practice: young, naïve, kind of like the girls we wanted to do, I mean date," Fred said, as serious as ever.
"You mean you've...?" Ron was shocked.
"Oh yeah, we have. Not all of us Weasley's are as slow about noticing the opposite sex as you are, 'Mr. Hey, Hermione, You're a Girl!'" George pointed out.
"Yeah, not all of us wait until our FIFTH year to even start thinking about dating..we're way ahead of you, little brother."
"Wait, did you say Ginny? As in our sister? The little temperamental redhead? That one?" Ron just realized what they'd said.
"Gosh, you're not just gullible, you're stupid, too!" George exclaimed. "Anyway, we just learned from experience, and you're WAY behind in that department, so here I am, trying to be a good big brother, trying to help you, and all you can do is gag! Now, kiss Fred!"
"What?? But you said you were just kidding!!"
"We were," Fred explained, "about me and George kissing each other, not about you practicing on me! Now, bring it on baby!" Fred began batting his eyelashes and puckering his lips.
"I already told you, I'm not kissing either of you! That's gross!"
"Okay," George resolved. "Just pretend to kiss Fred. That won't hurt now, will it?"
"But."
"Well, just pretend like he's Hermione..You DO want to kiss her REALLY, REALLY bad, don't you?"
"Well, I."
"Come on, lay one on me, Ronniekins!"
"But.I can't pretend he's Hermione.He doesn't look like her.he's.just.ugly."
"Hey! Okay, for THAT, I won't kiss you!"
"Fine by me!"
"Okay, just kiss Herm- I mean, Fred" George said pushing Ron's head toward Fred.
"Okay, Come on Ron, go in for the kill!!!" Fred pouted. Ron began moving his head awkwardly toward Fred's when George broke the silence.
"Thiiiiiiiissss Isssss the nightttttt what a beautifullllllll nightttttttttt!!!!!!" He sang, horribly off-key. Ron leaned back and slapped George on the side of the head.
"Don't give up Ron, never give up!!!!" Fred cried desperately grabbing Ron's shirt. "Give me sugar honey bunch! "Fred screamed while pulling Ron toward him. Yet again George intercepted the conversation.
"Sha lalalalalalalala Woah Woah Woah Gotta Kiss the Girl!!!!!!!!!" George belted out.
"George, would you please stop that incessant squawking, I am trying to get in the mood here!" Fred said looking up batting his eyelashes. At this comment Ron jumped clear across the room.
"Ok, Ok, no more kissing! Next lesson George, come on ..please!!!!!!" He shrieked, He was being cornered by Fred who was smacking his lips at him.
"Okay, Lesson 5: The .. S- word." George said , covering his mouth like he had said something wrong. "I'll let Fred explain this one!!!!"
"The s-word?????" Ron asked worriedly, he didn't even want to know.
"Sex Ron.. The s-word is . SEX!!!" Fred grinned evilly.
"Okay, tell me what I need to know .... and fast!!!!!" Ron whimpered through his hands.
"It's no big deal Ron, You're in, you're out, you're on with your life!!!" George said, laughing.
"Oh , I'm not innocent anymore, I have been corrupted!!!!!!!!!!!!! Virgin ears!!!!! Virgin ears!!!!!!" Ron whined while rocking himself back and forth.
"Awww, remember when we could say that George????" Fred reminisced. George just sat there for a while in silence then shook his head.
"No, No, I really can't remember a time in my life when I could say that!" George muttered, deep in thought.
"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG" Ron screamed
"You know George I don't think Ron is ready for this conversation, keep in mind, he hasn't even kissed Hermione yet! I think it is time we go downstairs, we've tormented poor ickle Ronniekins enough tonight." Fred said solemnly.
The scene that awaited them when they entered the common room sent the twins into a fit of laughter, and Ron into a fit of rage. There, before their very eyes, was Ginny sitting on the couch, snogging with Harry.
"Ginny!!!!!!!! get off of Harry!!!!!!!!! , wait.., Harry get off of my sister!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed pouncing on them. He turned to the twins when he saw that they were rolling on the floor, and shot them an angry look.
"This.. Is . fu. funny to you?????? Your baby sister, is making out... with my best friend and this does not ,in any way disturb you??? He inquired, his eye twitching.
"We told you she practiced with us!!!!!" George howled.
"Yeah, next time we tell you we are kidding, don't believe us!!!!!!" Fred yelled, while laughing.
"Go Gin," George cheered "Hey Ron , she's younger that you and already doing better with the opposite sex than you could ever dream of!!!"
"Lay off it Ron, it's not anything new" Ginny burst in. " Me and Harry have been dating behind your back for five months, can't believe you haven't guessed by now!!!" she laughed.
"Geez Ron, not only are you gullible and stupid, you're. well . you're SUPER STUPID!!!!!!!!!!" Harry said butting in.
"Gee Harry, wonder where you got that one!!!!" Fred said high-fiving him.
"Wow Ron, you look traumatized, what did they do to you up there???" Ginny asked noticing the scared look on Ron's face.
" You want to know what they did to me... Oh well, I don't know, let's see! First they dragged me up the stairs, threw me on the bed, and sat on me while the argued. Then they gave me all these stupid dating rules. Then they told me make-out stories, involving themselves and Ginny, Then they wanted me... yes me.. to kiss Fred!!!!!! And last but not least they started talking to me about.. well.. you know... about... IT!!!" He exclaimed.
"Sex, Ron... You can't even say it????" said Ginny. Ron lunged at her grabbed her head and covered her ears.
"No, Ginny.. you are supposed to be the innocent one!!!" He screamed.
"Hey George, remember when she could say that????" Fred asked.
"Nope.don't recall that one either!!!!" George answered, yet again looking baffled.
The End
"Fred and George's Guide to Dating" commentary By: Fred and George
G: You know, I counted and you "exclaimed" 5 times in this story.
F: Well, I'm a very exclamatory kind of guy, you know.
G: Uh-huh.
F: Surprise ending, huh? I liked it! Go Ginny!
G: Go Ginny! It's your birthday!
F: Poor Ron, he's so stupid in this story it makes you feel sorry for the little guy.almost!
G: I liked the part where we dragged him up the stairs and then sat on him. Hehe!
F: Applause to the authors for their brilliant creativity.
Author-Gin: Why thank you! I'm glad you liked the story! And I'm glad I got to make out with Harry in the end, but that's another story!
Author-Herm: You would like that wouldn't you? Well, I liked the fact that the whole thing was started because of Ron's infatuation with ME!!!
G: I liked the story cuz it was all about me and Fred! We hardly ever get stories!
F: Yeah, no one takes the time to appreciate our creative and charming wits. Thanks, yall are the best.
AG: Yall? You're British! You're not allowed to say yall! We, the authors, are allowed to say yall, but we're from Texas, yall aren't!
G: Well we British people don't say "nothin' doin's" either, but I did!
AH: That's hardly the point.
F: How come I was the one who had to act like I wanted to make out with Ron? He's so pathetic and stupid in this story. Honestly, Hermione, I don't know what you see in him.
AH: I don't think it's any of your business what I see in him; and you had to be the one to do that because we're the authors and that's the way we wanted the story to be.
G: I have a question, How come Fred gets all the funny lines? He got to say "Pucker up, baby" and stuff! That's just not fair! All I got to do was sing off-key in the background!
AG: George, that's not true, you had lot's of funny lines..You got to tell Ron that he wasn't just gullible, but stupid also. And you got the whole 'You're in, you're out, you're on with your life' thing, and then there was the whole, just kiss Fred thing; oh yeah, and you were the one that couldn't remember being innocent..come on that WAS pretty funny!
F: Hey, why does George get all the funny lines?
AH: Oh, honestly!
A/N: Please send us your comments on this fic! They'd be much appreciated! Thank you Thank you Thank you!
A/N: This was written with my buddy, we'll call her Ginny! Okay, we wrote this at like 4 in the morning (after being up all night) and were on a serious sugar high, thanks to the wonderful people at Kellogg's who created Fruit Loops! Umm, It's really Americanized, and we're from Texas, so we suck at British lingo. Also, rated PG-13 for mild sexual references. Enjoy! R/R!
****OH and before you accuse me of Plagiarism, please read my info on my profile*****
Fred and George's Guide to Dating
Fred and George were sitting on their bed when Ginny burst into the room.
"Oh my gosh! Guess what! You're never going to believe this! Guess what!!!!" she shrieked excitedly!
"I don't know, but I bet you're going to tell us, whether we want you to or not, huh?" George mocked.
"I AM your sister, you know. It's my JOB to annoy you! I'm just doing my job here!" she retorted
"Just tell us already!" Fred interjected.
"Oh yeah! I almost forgot! Ron is like totally crushing on Hermione!! Is that cute or what??!!" Ginny burst out.
"Ron??? Hermione??????? Let me get this straight..." George said, dumbfounded.
"We don't have time for your slow mind to get anything straight right now, Ronnie's class is now in session!" Fred burst before running out of the room in pursuit of his little brother.
Ron and Harry were enjoying a nice game of chess when they heard a thud at the foot of the stairs. They turned to see Fred and George in a heap on the floor. They got up, ran over to Ron and proceeded to drag him up the stairs to their room. Harry stifled a laugh; He knew what this was about! They passed Ginny as they dragged Ron up the stairs.
"Go downstairs and keep Harry busy for like an hour. We need to talk to Ron alone for a while. You CAN manage Harry by yourself, I'm sure!?" Fred said, never slowing as he yanked Ron up the many flights of stairs.
"Oh shove it, Fred!" Ginny retorted, but proceeded down the stairs just the same.
"There goes a woman..." said George grinning " Who knows how to handle her men!!!!"
Ron's back was hitting the stairs as they dragged him, and with each stair he let out an annoyed yelp:
"Ow, ouch, hey, ooh, I can, ow, ooh, walk, oof, you know, ow, ow, uh, oh!"
" Do shut it Ron, you're really starting to sound pathetic!!!! You act like you've never been dragged up stairs by us before, this is only a flight, we've dragged ten flights of stairs at home before, so don't ow us!!!!!!!" Fred reprimanded.
"Yeah, we did it to you all the time as a kid. No wonder you turned out so...stupid." George said.
Once they entered their room Fred slammed the door while George threw Ron down on the bed. They stood in front of him grinning.
"Er. what's with you two goofs? Why are you staring at me like that?" Ron asked incredulously.
"Has Ickle Ronniekins got a crush on Hermione?" Fred asked in a baby voice.
"WHAT???" Ron screamed astonished "Hermione... I... I swear I don't know what you two are talking about!!!!!"
"Oh come on Ronnie" George said pinching Ron's cheek "You know exactly what we are talking about!"
"DO NOT CALL ME RONNIEEEEEE!!!!!!" Ron screamed madly.
"OOF!!!" Fred chortled "Touchy when it comes to HERMIONE now aren't we!!!!!" he sang.
" Hermione should not . I repeat should not be in this conversation," Ron said slowly and forcefully.
"Oh Fred... I have always hated that Ron...NIE is closer to Ginny... He will never tell us all that manly man stuff ...and yet, he tells her. and she's NOT A MAN!!!!!!" George sniffled, pretending to cry on Fred's shoulder.
"And what gives you two the impression that you are men?" Ron retorted. " Ginny's a lot more mature about these things than you two are, that's why I told her!"
"Oh. Well she was real mature when she came in here screaming like a banshee telling us!!!" Fred laughed.
"VIRGINIA WEASLEY!!!" Ron exclaimed, making a run for the door. But Fred and George caught him and threw him back on the bed.
" No you are staying here," George screamed, while trying to hold down Ron.
"Now admit you are TOTALLY, COMPLETELY,AND UTTTTTTTEERRRRLLYYYY... in LOOOVVVEEE with Hermione...OR WE WILL NEVER LET YOU UP." Fred bribed.
"OKAY, OKAY, okay...I'll admit it... I do kind of like her!!! NOW WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME UP!" Ron shouted as he continued his struggle from his older brothers.
"Nope, Ronnie, nothing doin's, ain't gonna happen!" George rang out in a singsong voice.
"Not until we teach you a few things," Fred said, as Ron's struggle ceased.
"Like what?" he asked, confused.
"Like what to do in your, erm, current situation..." George said, as if this made everything perfectly clear,
"And what, pray tell, is my current situation?"
"Oh my, you need our help more than I thought!" Fred exclaimed. "You get to be the first person to benefit from 'Fred and George's Guide to Dating'!"
"Excuse me, but I believe we agreed that it was going to be 'George and Fred's Guide to Dating'?" George interrupted.
"But my name comes first in the alphabet!"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, I'm older!"
"By two freaking minutes!"
"And everyone knows that Mum loves me more!"
"Oh please!"
"Well, it's also obvious that I'm the better looking of the two!"
"We're twins, you dolt!"
"EXCUSE ME! I don't care whose 'Guide to Dating' it is, will you two PLEASE get the heck off of me!" Ron shouted. Fred and George looked down realizing that they were both sitting on top of him, fighting, each of them waving an arm around vigorously as they argued.
"Oh yeah, sorry 'bout that," Fred said, regaining his composure and getting off of his brother. "Yeah, got carried away there; Now back to your problems. Oh, and Fred, Mum doesn't love any of us boys, well past Percy anyway, we were just the results of Mum's quest for a daughter!" George pointed out.
"Hey, George, you're still sitting on me!"
"Yeah, I know, but I thought you might be preparing to run away, so I thought I'd stay here for a while."
"Geroff!" Ron shouted exasperatedly as George also released him.
"Hey! It can be 'Gred and Forge's Guide to Dating'!" Fred exclaimed, as though he'd hit a revelation.
"Hmm." George said thoughtfully, "Gred and Forge, I like it!"
"It's settled then, now on to Ronnie's lesson!"
"Lesson 1: Never compare a girl to bathwater." George began, as if this was a common mistake.
"What? Bathwater? I don't see any relevance here..." Ron said, confused as ever.
"Well, George here, made that mistake once. He thought it would be quite, er, romantic to write dear, beloved Elizabeth Ramport a sappy, or should I say soapy, love letter!" He exclaimed, barely able to get the words out through his laughter. "He was doing just fine until he decided to say something about 'soaking up her love' and she took it the wrong way and accused him of comparing her to bathwater, just before she kicked him all the way to the curb."
"Hey, in all fairness, she wasn't that good looking anyway."
"You're only saying that because she kicked you to the curb. The curb 4 blocks down, that is!" He said before rolling on the floor in another fit of laughter.
"Okay, no bathwater or soap comparisons, got it," Ron said.
"Lesson 2:" Fred began, "Using Your Charming Wits." "And unlike Fred, don't make up words to do so. Instead of telling Kelly Parker that when she kissed him, his insides turned to jelly, he said that his insides were JELLIFIED! As if he actually thought that this would win her over!" Now it was George's turn to roll in laughter. "She kicked him to the curb FIVE blocks down, that is, AFTER she slapped the taste out of his mouth." He choked between his hysterics. "In other words," Fred said, trying to keep from laughing at himself, "be sweet and charming without telling her anything...strange or...repulsive."
"And don't treat them like Americans-they hate that." George interjected. "In other words don't greet her by saying 'Hey what's up my dirty ho?'...Trust me, it will get you nowhere!" "Well, nowhere you WANT to go anyway, it'll only take you SEVEN blocks BACKWARDS!" George added for emphasis.
"Got that so far?" Fred asked.
"No bathwater, no words that aren't in the dictionary, and no dirty ho's, got it." Ron confirmed.
"Lesson 3: How to Treat Girls," George said. "Treat Hermione like.like.erm.help me out, Fred."
"Umm...like a...SEX GODDESS!" Fred exclaimed.
"WHAT??!!" Ron freaked out. He had never heard the word 'sex' used so loosely...that was a no-no in front of the Weasley parents.
"Oh yeah...a sex goddess...just treat her like that...yeah, they REALLY like that!" George said.
"Umm...I don't really think I want to know." Ron thought aloud.
"Lesson 4: Kissing!" Fred said somewhat mischievously.
"Okay.hmm.how to kiss a girl.here just pretend to kiss Fred and I'll help you." George said, not sounding at all like he was joking. Ron began to think he was serious.
"Um.kiss Fred???"
"Yes, kiss Fred. He's family, he doesn't have cooties, you know," George pointed out.
"ARE YOU INSANE?! THAT'S SICK!" Ron said, enraged that they would even suggest that, let alone be serious about it.
"I'm not insane, I'm...you know, just.George!" he said perkily.
"Yeah, and I'm Fred.PUCKER UP, BABY!"
"NO WAY AM I GOING TO KISS EITHER OF YOU! I AM NOT GAY!" Ron exploded.
"You don't have to be gay to kiss a family member! Fred and I do it all the time! How do you think we learned it all?"
"You are kidding!" Ron screamed, appalled and still somewhat skeptical.
"No, not at all.See we were in our second year and wondered what it would be like so we just figured 'Hey, let's practice on each other!' and went for it," Fred said, much too nonchalantly for Ron's comfort.
"Oh my gosh! That's SICK!.I'm going to be sick!. I'm going to throw up!" Ron began making choking, gagging noises and pretended to be sick. At this, Fred and George both burst out in uncontrollable laughter, and Ron suddenly realized that they had been fooling him the whole time.
"SICK! You don't actually think that we would do that, do you? Geez, Ron, you are too gullible!" George gasped between sobs of laughter.
"Well then how did you learn?" Ron was eager to change the subject. "Oh, well, yeah, we got Ginny to practice with us. You know, she was perfect practice: young, naïve, kind of like the girls we wanted to do, I mean date," Fred said, as serious as ever.
"You mean you've...?" Ron was shocked.
"Oh yeah, we have. Not all of us Weasley's are as slow about noticing the opposite sex as you are, 'Mr. Hey, Hermione, You're a Girl!'" George pointed out.
"Yeah, not all of us wait until our FIFTH year to even start thinking about dating..we're way ahead of you, little brother."
"Wait, did you say Ginny? As in our sister? The little temperamental redhead? That one?" Ron just realized what they'd said.
"Gosh, you're not just gullible, you're stupid, too!" George exclaimed. "Anyway, we just learned from experience, and you're WAY behind in that department, so here I am, trying to be a good big brother, trying to help you, and all you can do is gag! Now, kiss Fred!"
"What?? But you said you were just kidding!!"
"We were," Fred explained, "about me and George kissing each other, not about you practicing on me! Now, bring it on baby!" Fred began batting his eyelashes and puckering his lips.
"I already told you, I'm not kissing either of you! That's gross!"
"Okay," George resolved. "Just pretend to kiss Fred. That won't hurt now, will it?"
"But."
"Well, just pretend like he's Hermione..You DO want to kiss her REALLY, REALLY bad, don't you?"
"Well, I."
"Come on, lay one on me, Ronniekins!"
"But.I can't pretend he's Hermione.He doesn't look like her.he's.just.ugly."
"Hey! Okay, for THAT, I won't kiss you!"
"Fine by me!"
"Okay, just kiss Herm- I mean, Fred" George said pushing Ron's head toward Fred.
"Okay, Come on Ron, go in for the kill!!!" Fred pouted. Ron began moving his head awkwardly toward Fred's when George broke the silence.
"Thiiiiiiiissss Isssss the nightttttt what a beautifullllllll nightttttttttt!!!!!!" He sang, horribly off-key. Ron leaned back and slapped George on the side of the head.
"Don't give up Ron, never give up!!!!" Fred cried desperately grabbing Ron's shirt. "Give me sugar honey bunch! "Fred screamed while pulling Ron toward him. Yet again George intercepted the conversation.
"Sha lalalalalalalala Woah Woah Woah Gotta Kiss the Girl!!!!!!!!!" George belted out.
"George, would you please stop that incessant squawking, I am trying to get in the mood here!" Fred said looking up batting his eyelashes. At this comment Ron jumped clear across the room.
"Ok, Ok, no more kissing! Next lesson George, come on ..please!!!!!!" He shrieked, He was being cornered by Fred who was smacking his lips at him.
"Okay, Lesson 5: The .. S- word." George said , covering his mouth like he had said something wrong. "I'll let Fred explain this one!!!!"
"The s-word?????" Ron asked worriedly, he didn't even want to know.
"Sex Ron.. The s-word is . SEX!!!" Fred grinned evilly.
"Okay, tell me what I need to know .... and fast!!!!!" Ron whimpered through his hands.
"It's no big deal Ron, You're in, you're out, you're on with your life!!!" George said, laughing.
"Oh , I'm not innocent anymore, I have been corrupted!!!!!!!!!!!!! Virgin ears!!!!! Virgin ears!!!!!!" Ron whined while rocking himself back and forth.
"Awww, remember when we could say that George????" Fred reminisced. George just sat there for a while in silence then shook his head.
"No, No, I really can't remember a time in my life when I could say that!" George muttered, deep in thought.
"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG" Ron screamed
"You know George I don't think Ron is ready for this conversation, keep in mind, he hasn't even kissed Hermione yet! I think it is time we go downstairs, we've tormented poor ickle Ronniekins enough tonight." Fred said solemnly.
The scene that awaited them when they entered the common room sent the twins into a fit of laughter, and Ron into a fit of rage. There, before their very eyes, was Ginny sitting on the couch, snogging with Harry.
"Ginny!!!!!!!! get off of Harry!!!!!!!!! , wait.., Harry get off of my sister!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed pouncing on them. He turned to the twins when he saw that they were rolling on the floor, and shot them an angry look.
"This.. Is . fu. funny to you?????? Your baby sister, is making out... with my best friend and this does not ,in any way disturb you??? He inquired, his eye twitching.
"We told you she practiced with us!!!!!" George howled.
"Yeah, next time we tell you we are kidding, don't believe us!!!!!!" Fred yelled, while laughing.
"Go Gin," George cheered "Hey Ron , she's younger that you and already doing better with the opposite sex than you could ever dream of!!!"
"Lay off it Ron, it's not anything new" Ginny burst in. " Me and Harry have been dating behind your back for five months, can't believe you haven't guessed by now!!!" she laughed.
"Geez Ron, not only are you gullible and stupid, you're. well . you're SUPER STUPID!!!!!!!!!!" Harry said butting in.
"Gee Harry, wonder where you got that one!!!!" Fred said high-fiving him.
"Wow Ron, you look traumatized, what did they do to you up there???" Ginny asked noticing the scared look on Ron's face.
" You want to know what they did to me... Oh well, I don't know, let's see! First they dragged me up the stairs, threw me on the bed, and sat on me while the argued. Then they gave me all these stupid dating rules. Then they told me make-out stories, involving themselves and Ginny, Then they wanted me... yes me.. to kiss Fred!!!!!! And last but not least they started talking to me about.. well.. you know... about... IT!!!" He exclaimed.
"Sex, Ron... You can't even say it????" said Ginny. Ron lunged at her grabbed her head and covered her ears.
"No, Ginny.. you are supposed to be the innocent one!!!" He screamed.
"Hey George, remember when she could say that????" Fred asked.
"Nope.don't recall that one either!!!!" George answered, yet again looking baffled.
The End
"Fred and George's Guide to Dating" commentary By: Fred and George
G: You know, I counted and you "exclaimed" 5 times in this story.
F: Well, I'm a very exclamatory kind of guy, you know.
G: Uh-huh.
F: Surprise ending, huh? I liked it! Go Ginny!
G: Go Ginny! It's your birthday!
F: Poor Ron, he's so stupid in this story it makes you feel sorry for the little guy.almost!
G: I liked the part where we dragged him up the stairs and then sat on him. Hehe!
F: Applause to the authors for their brilliant creativity.
Author-Gin: Why thank you! I'm glad you liked the story! And I'm glad I got to make out with Harry in the end, but that's another story!
Author-Herm: You would like that wouldn't you? Well, I liked the fact that the whole thing was started because of Ron's infatuation with ME!!!
G: I liked the story cuz it was all about me and Fred! We hardly ever get stories!
F: Yeah, no one takes the time to appreciate our creative and charming wits. Thanks, yall are the best.
AG: Yall? You're British! You're not allowed to say yall! We, the authors, are allowed to say yall, but we're from Texas, yall aren't!
G: Well we British people don't say "nothin' doin's" either, but I did!
AH: That's hardly the point.
F: How come I was the one who had to act like I wanted to make out with Ron? He's so pathetic and stupid in this story. Honestly, Hermione, I don't know what you see in him.
AH: I don't think it's any of your business what I see in him; and you had to be the one to do that because we're the authors and that's the way we wanted the story to be.
G: I have a question, How come Fred gets all the funny lines? He got to say "Pucker up, baby" and stuff! That's just not fair! All I got to do was sing off-key in the background!
AG: George, that's not true, you had lot's of funny lines..You got to tell Ron that he wasn't just gullible, but stupid also. And you got the whole 'You're in, you're out, you're on with your life' thing, and then there was the whole, just kiss Fred thing; oh yeah, and you were the one that couldn't remember being innocent..come on that WAS pretty funny!
F: Hey, why does George get all the funny lines?
AH: Oh, honestly!
A/N: Please send us your comments on this fic! They'd be much appreciated! Thank you Thank you Thank you!